Saturday, November 15, 2014

Hope as Zombie Fuel

The London Ontario Zombie Walk, 2011

Here's the heart-warming thing about the zombie apocalypse:

The zombie affliction only spreads where there is hope.

Picture a human survivor with no hope. She is attacked by 20 zombies, manages to kill 5, but then she gets bitten. Realizing she is fucked and has no chance to survive, she offs herself, or just lets herself get fully devoured by the zombies so she doesn't return to life. The 15 remaining zombies shuffle to the next survivor, who kills 5 before losing hope, rinse and repeat until there are no more zombies.

It's a quirk of (most) zombie mythology that zombies are not driven by reproduction. They just want to eat. Reproduction is a side effect of their meals being squirmy with hope, because it's only the humans who get away who become new zombies.

The people with hope are the bastards responsible for the spread. After getting bitten, they continue to fight for their lives. But really, after being bitten, they're just keeping a body fresh and nimble for a new zombie. That zombie is better able to find other suckers, ready to offer up their futile hopefulness as raw material for the next generation of the undead.

It's the human need for survival that ensures the spread of the affliction that will end all human survival.

Heart-warming.




P.S. Apply this metaphor to disease/consumerism/memes as you see fit.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Superman's Severed Face



This is the best Dollar Store Halloween costume I've ever seen, for several reasons:

  • It's not a Superman costume. It's a Brandon Routh playing Superman costume. The kid wearing this costume isn't pretending that he is Superman, with his own face and everything. No, he is pretending he is the actor who played Superman three movies ago. Or he's just wearing Brandon Routh's severed face.
  • I don't remember Superman wearing a mini toga thing. And it's convenient that the picture stops at the waist, leaving out the ratty sweatpants that the kid probably has on.
  • Damn, the "lite" up feature is non-functioning. Even if it worked, though, what is lighting up? Is that ... Kryptonite? Here is what Kryptonite does to Superman:


  • So if this kid is really into his role as Brandon Routh playing Superman, he'll pretend to be Brandon Routh pretending to writhe in pain as the lite-up Kryptonite poisons his insides. It should come with blood capsules so he can properly simulate the face-bleeding.
  • Which is also consistent with the "I stole an actor's face" backstory to this costume.
Kids, this Halloween, please strongly consider the Dying Superman Accessory Set.




See also: Halloween disguises are the new Halloween costumes.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Saying Yes to No

Oh, hi.

I just read this article on Medium: Creative People Say No. The premise is that many prolific creators are not afraid of guarding their time by refusing requests for it. This quote, attributed to Charles Dickens, resonated with me:
“‘It is only half an hour’ — ‘It is only an afternoon’ — ‘It is only an evening,’ people say to me over and over again; but they don’t know that it is impossible to command one’s self sometimes to any stipulated and set disposal of five minutes — or that the mere consciousness of an engagement will sometime worry a whole day … Who ever is devoted to an art must be content to deliver himself wholly up to it, and to find his recompense in it. I am grieved if you suspect me of not wanting to see you, but I can’t help it; I must go in my way whether or no.”
I don't think it applies only to other people. Saying "no" to yourself is just as important if you are to take that mountain of daily tasks, responsibilities, and hobbies, and carve out enough time to create something of value.

So that's my excuse for not blogging. I've been saying "no" to my brilliant blog post ideas and writing fiction instead.

In addition to my novel, Stars and Other Monsters, I have a short story out. Strangers at a Funeral is about unfamiliar people at death ceremonies. Here's a blurb:

Brandon notices them at his grandpa’s funeral first: a pair of men in sunglasses who nobody seems to know. They’re not family, they're not friends, they’re just … there. No big deal, until they show up again at the next funeral. Drawn into a world of funeral selfies and burial crashers, Brandon needs to know what these strangers want from the dead.

Only problem is, nobody gives a crap except him, and his school frowns upon skipping classes to watch people get buried. His sanity can’t take many more funerals, and those bulges in the strangers’ coats probably aren’t concealing anything pleasant.
It costs 99 cents. If you like the shit I write even a little bit, I'd appreciate if you bought it a whole lot. However, I won't be offended if you say "no."



Strangers has ties to Stars and Other Monsters, if you're paying attention. Speaking of which, I'll start writing a sequel to that soon too. I need to know what happens next.

Which means saying no to other stuff. It's nothing personal; I just like fictional characters more than I like you.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Stars and Other Monsters is Out Now

Have a hankering for a novel about a paparazzo and his dog getting kidnapped by a vampire? Today is your lucky day! Stars and Other Monsters is out, on Kindle:


And in print:


I think a lot of you will enjoy it. It's no masterpiece, but a 3.5, maybe 4 star fast-paced bundle of cheap thrills. Not unlike this blog. If that's worth less than the price of a coffee, go buy it soon so I become rich and famous. Then I'll become corrupt. Just like in the book. (You'll see).

Thank you.




Monday, May 19, 2014

Stars and Other Monsters - A Novel by Phronk (Me), Out on June 13th

I wrote a novel. I've decided to release it to the world on June 13th (the only Friday the 13th in 2014). It's called Stars and Other Monsters, and it's a horror novel about celebrities and vampires. Here is the cover:


If you've been reading my blog, you might enjoy my novel. They are similar, in that I wrote both. So mark your calendar for June 13th and buy Stars and Other Monsters from Amazon, so that it climbs the charts and makes me famous.

More information about the book can be found on its Goodreads page, and I've given it its own little site at FuckVampires.com. Or, if you find that offensive, try ScrewVampires.com (but maybe you shouldn't read the book or this blog).

I'll be writing about Stars and Other Monsters quite a bit in the next few weeks, because I am excited about trying this whole publishing thing and sharing my not-bad creation with the world. Stay tuned.

P.S. Somehow FuckTwilight.com wasn't taken either!

Update June 13: It's out now! Buy it on Amazon:



Buying my book is the only way I can guarantee not cursing you on this Friday the 13th and night of a full moon.