Saturday, December 22, 2001

Funny ShiZz1t



Merry Christmas everybody!

For more funny Japanese Engrish, go to www.engrish.com. Here's another gem:



And for even more fun stuff, here is another link: HE-MAN AND THE ROCK WARRIORS!. If you're anything like me, you were born on January 3rd 1980, and spent your young life watching He-Man and playing with He-Toys. The above article points out just how stupid He-Man could be. I laughed my ass off. Literally. It made quite a mess, but I've managed to reattach it.

Saturday, December 15, 2001

Movie Review

I saw a movie called "Vanilla Sky" last night with a fellow named "Tom Cruise" in it. The less you know about this movie the better, so I'll just tell you to go see it. I definitely liked it. I don't think it's for everybody though.

Oh and Penelope Cruze (or however you spell it) is actually pretty cute in it. Usually I think she's a repulsive she-goblin, but in Vanilla Sky she managed to act her way out of ugly town.

Nicefire.com is my new favourite web site.

Friday, December 14, 2001

Tip of the Day

Mint and egg are two flavours that do not go together.

Monday, December 10, 2001

Freedom

Ok so now I'm really done school. Phew. This was my busiest semester ever, so I'm glad it's over.

So now the question is...what should I do for the next month? Well first of all, I need to buy some canvas and start painting stuff. I've been meaning to start painting again, but I haven't really painted anything since high school. See what university does? It sucks the creativity right out of you. I wonder where all that sucked creativity goes to. Obviously not to Hollywood or the music industry. Well, maybe to people like Spike Jonze, or Radiohead, perhaps Mr. Bungle. The rest of the creativity must be locked up in the basement of the university, just waiting for someone to steal it.

Speaking of stealing (God, I'm so good at transitions), last night I saw the wonderful heist movie, Ocean's 11. It was a nice smart yet brainless movie that kept me awake despite waking up way too early. It's weird how Brad Pitt is in so many good movies. That guy has it all...girls like him because he's friggin hot, and everyone likes him because he's in good movies. Oh, and I'm happy to say that Julia Roberts was barely in Ocean's 11. What's with her? She's not even close to being attractive, she's got an annoying laugh, she can't act, and yet she managed to steal an academy award from Ellen Burstyn last year. I really don't like her...I don't like her one bit.

Ok so here are my plans for this Holiday season (a.k.a Christmas): Steal all the creativity from the univeristy, paint some wonderful paintings, sell them for a billions dollars, then use that money to bribe Julia Roberts into quitting showbusiness forever.

Saturday, December 08, 2001

Poopy Doops

You know that great feeling you get right after you take a big dump that you've been holding in all day? That's how I feel right now...except the shit is school...and there's a little mini-turd still hanging on (I have half an essay to write tonight). But still, it feels good. Today I wrote two 3-hour exams...that's six hours of my day spent hunched over a desk scribbling meaningless junk onto paper. Being done is very nice....especially being done this early...I now have nearly a month to sit on my ass

Maybe I'll work on this web page or something. I've been meaning to make it a bit more aesthetically pleasing. Oh, you may have noticed that I've taken to giving titles to each of my posts here. I like titles. Titles are fun.

Thursday, November 29, 2001

Weirdness

So check this out. I'm at work right now, and out my window I have a beautiful view of the Social Science Building parking lot, and it's pouring rain outside. The weird thing is, the row of parking spaces closest to the door is empty. No cars. The rest of the parking lot is practically full, but that row is the only empty one. Why? It's raining outside...you'd think people would want to get as close to the door as possible to avoid getting wet. They're not reserved spaces or anything, and I see no reason why people wouldn't park there.

It's weird...when you pay attention to the world, I mean really pay attention, you realize that there are all these little things that just don't make sense. Hmm.

Monday, November 19, 2001

So I saw this movie called "Harry Potter and Philosopher's Stone" last night. If you're from the USA, you're probably wondering why it's not "Sorcerer's Stone". Well, wake up, idiot! The original book was called Philosopher's Stone, plus in real life alchemists tried to make a Philosopher's Stone to give them eternal life. So, the American title is not only untrue to the author, it's not historically accurate. What I'm wondering is if they refer to it as the philosopher's stone in the American version. If I was a kid, I'd be confused by that. I'd be like "mommy, why is the movie called Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone? There's no sorcerer's stone in the movie!" then I'd throw my popcorn at the screen and cry until they gave me free movie passes. So please, if anyone reading this is from the USA (which is unlikely...only my friends read this crap, and even they only come here like once a year) and has seen the movie, tell me if they actually edited the movie to make them refer to it as the sorcer's stone.

But enough about that, let me give you my little review of the movie. I was sooo excited to see it, because I'd just finished reading the book an hour before leaving to see the movie, and I wanted to see how they pulled off all the wonderful scenes in the book. I hadn't been so excited to see a movie in a long time, so in other words, I was setting myself up for huge disappointment. Fortunately, the movie kicked bum! It stayed true to the book, down to the tiniest details (well, except for leaving some scenes out, and smooshing some scenes together, but that's true of any movie adaption). Chris Columbus has directed some shitty movies (i.e. Stepmom, one of the only movies in the world that I don't like), but he did a nice job here. I hope Lord of the Rings can pull it off as wonderfully as Harry Potter did.

Uuuugh...my stomach hurts. I guess I shouldn't have eaten that bowl of cereal that was sitting here for a few hours. How long does milk take to go bad, anyway?

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

I got the funniest junk e-mail today. The subject line was "++>Attract Men with Bigger Breasts! (17028)." Hahah. Yeah, I'm tired of attracting small-breasted men, maybe I should buy their product.

Friday, November 09, 2001

You've problably seen the following picture before on the internet of a guy on top of the WTC right before the attacks:




But, in the tradition of the whole "all your base" phenomenon, the picture has been spread and modified with hilarious results. Here are some of my favourites:





For more, go to TouristOfDeath.com. There's also a fun article about it at Wired, which talks about a guy who claims to be the dude in the picture.

Friday, November 02, 2001

A new version of ICQ is out. It has a sweet feature that lets you share files with people on your ICQ list (kinda like Napster, but different). It's also really small and easy to set up, so go get it at www.icq.com, and make sure you turn the file sharing thing on so I can steal all your files from you. Mine's on, and I have lots of good songs. If I'm not already on your list, my number is 252842. See you there.

P.S. Memorizing your ICQ number doesn't make you a geek, does it?

Wednesday, October 31, 2001

CD Review

I just finished listening to the new Britney Spears album, called Britney. You're probably thinking to yourself "but Phronk, that album isn't in stores for another week, how in God's name could you possibly have heard it?!?!" Well, you see, I have many secret industry contacts that can get me stuff before it comes out in stores. Lucky me.

So what do I think of it? At this moment, I'm slightly disappointed. After hearing "I'm a Slave 4 U", I was expecting something a little different than her previous albums. Something more along the lines of N Sync's newest...still crappy pop music, but a little rough around the edges, and maybe even showing a little talent. However, most of Britney is the same old crappy talentless pop music. You can hear a bit of N Sync's influence in some songs though. By the way, I don't believe that she's a virgin for a second. Justin and her probably boink like rabid monkeys every night then turn on the TV and laugh at the stupid-ass media speculating about how they could possibly "physically express their love for each other" without bumping uglies.

Anyway...don't get me wrong, I like the CD. It's crappy pop, but GOOD crappy pop. "Cinderella", which seems like the "Lucky" of this CD, is a nice little tune. Several other songs that I don't remember the names of were pretty good too. But in between the promising songs are mediocre ones that could just have easily been on a Backstreet Boys album, or any other pop artist.

Overall, I like it, but it could have been better. Three thumbs up (out of four and half).

Sunday, October 28, 2001

If you have some time to waste (and you obviously do, since you're here), then click on this link: Piano Graphique. I won't ruin the surprise...and it's kinda hard to explain anyway...but trust me, it's lots of fun. Just go. Seriously. Go.


Why are you still here?

Wednesday, October 24, 2001

Phew. I've been so busy for the last 3 weeks or so. I've had so much work to do that I literally haven't had time to eat or sleep. Oh, but I did have time to go to the Music Without Borders benefit concert in Toronto this weekend. It was great fun...Alanis, Bruce Cockburn, The Barenaked Ladies, Our Lady Peace, and The Tragically Hip were all there. All the money went to helping people in Afghanistan, so it was even for a good cause. There were some real assholes sitting behind us though. Why do people have to be assholes? Can't we all just be nice to each other and be happy? Sheesh.

Yeah, so anyway I finally have a moment to rest now. It feels good to finally be able to rest after having to work for 24 hours a day every day for 3 weeks. It also feels a bit strange though...I feel like I should be doing something productive. I usually don't feel that way...being productive means doing work, and I'm a lazy bastard. Oh well, I'm sure the feeling will pass.

Hey, are you bored? Then go to my university's homepage and move your mouse over the little picture of the paper boy. If you move your mouse on it then away from it real fast, it looks like he's bashing himself in the head with a rolled up newspaper. HAHAHAHAA...woo...hours of fun! Hmm. Yeah, I need something to do.

Friday, October 12, 2001

I found a web site that perfectly summarizes how I feel most of the time. Click RIGHT HERE to go to the article and read it. It's fun stuff, trust me.

There have been some minor updates to the Music Section.

Sunday, September 23, 2001

I love hangovers. As Frank Sinatra said, "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." When you wake up with a hangover, your day can only get better. No matter what you do that day, your day is constantly improving, getting better and better with each passing minute. If only our whole lives could be like the day after an evening of binge drinking.

On a completely unrelated topic, I love the Gorillaz. Their web site is HERE and it's a whole lot of fun, even if you haven't heard of them.

EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY, I AM GETTING BETTER.

Thursday, September 06, 2001

I found a web site I think you should see: JesusDressUp.com. Go now.

Monday, September 03, 2001

So I went to the zoo today. The orangutans were probably my favourite animals there. At one point, an adult orang dragged a little baby female into the middle of the compound and started raping her. Of course, all the parents stopped their usual "Oooo look Billy, the orangutang moved its left pinky finger!" and quickly moved on to the next animal. Most people probably think that the orangutans are weird because they do that sort of thing, but I think humans are even stranger, and the zoo is a good place to observe our strange behaviour. Like, what other animal on earth would think to lock up other animals in tiny cages, then pay money to watch the bored animals sit in their cages? Some people justify it by saying that there's educational value to it. However, when I overhear things like "look how big that monkey is!" (at the gorilla exhibit) and "wallabes and kangaroos are the same thing" being uttered by parents to their children, I find it hard to call it educational. I think the real reason we likes zoos is because of a weird human ego thing. We see animals locked up in cages, going crazy because they hate it there, and we feel better about ourselves. We're free and they're not...aren't we great. But are we really free? ARE WE REALLY???

P.S. I'm not really this cynical, I just like to pretend to be.

Friday, August 17, 2001

I was thinking today, and came to some rather disturbing realizations. Imagine this: you go to the bathroom, and take a dump. Since you're a slob, you get shit all over your hands. After you're done, you flush the toilet. The little flushy thing has been touched by millions of slobs like you, so you get other peoples' shit on your hands too. No problem, you think, because soon you'll wash your hands and all that shit will just flow down the sink. But wait...think this through. You turn the tap (getting shit all over it), the water comes on, and you wash your hands. Phew, your hands are clean again. However, then you have to turn the water off. You turn the tap, and your hands are full of shit again.

There you have it. It's the bathroom paradox: there's no way to actually wash your hands. Remember this next time you shake hands with somebody...the next time you touch a doorknob...the next time you eat a hamburger after it's been handled by the grubby hands of a McDonalds employee, not to mention your own shit-covered paws.

I hope I've ruined your day.

P.S. I am aware of automatic sinks, where you don't have to turn a tap to turn the water on. Whoever invented those must be as paranoid as I am.

Sunday, July 08, 2001

Ugh. Bad thing just happened to me. I was sitting in my bed reading, when I saw a bit of movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked up, and saw a little baby spider crawling on my wall. Nothing wrong with that...baby spiders are kinda cute. I don't want them near my bed though, so I murdered it and dumped the body in my garbage pail. As I walked back to my bed, I noticed THREE MORE tiny spiders, some of them dangling dangerously close to where my mouth would be if I were sleeping there. I quickly dispatched of them, but as I was crushing their tiny bodies with Kleenex, I noticed that the area around my bed was alive with little spiders. In the end, I killed ten of them before I had to leave because I felt them crawling all over me. They weren't actually crawling all over me, but it felt like it. There might be some on me right now though...they're so small that I wouldn't feel it. They could be in my hair, laying eggs which will turn into worms that will burrow into MY BRAIN. Ahhh!!!

Wednesday, June 27, 2001

Update! There is a new Internet Adventure up, and some brilliant new Reviews too. Lucky you.

Monday, June 25, 2001

I would like to announce a new web site that is sure to change the internet forever. Duckfish.com is the official web site for the upcoming comic written by my friends and me. There's nothing there right now, but go bookmark it and then check back regularly. In the meantime, go here and read this wonderful poem that I found.



Duck. Fish.


In other web news, I recently found out that a large number of visitors come to this site through Google. How? By searching for the words "four nipples" (see the about me section. So, if you're here from Google, welcome to my homepage, you fucking pervert.

I've noticed that I'm swearing a lot more lately. Normally I don't swear very much, but lately I've been cussing like a sailor. Maybe it's the warm weather...bringing out my testosterone or something. On the other end of the spectrum, I've had the new 'N Sync song, Pop, stuck in my head for two days now. If I didn't like the song so much, I'd ridicule it by calling it "Poop." Haha I'm so witty!

Sunday, June 24, 2001

New homepage stuff! The About Me and FAQ sections have been updated. I've also added a list of bands that I've seen live to the Music section, for my own amusement. Wow, I didn't realize how much of my life I've spent at concerts, and the list isn't even complete yet.

Saturday, June 23, 2001

I have a new email address! Well actually, I always had it, but I never knew I had it until now. The address is (anything) [at] phronk.com. So, you can just type whatever you want before the "@phronk.com", and it will get to me. For example, sending a message to "lkj;dflkajsdk [at] phronk.com" will work. So will "fuckyoumike [at] phronk.com". Anything at all. Try it out...it's fun.

My phronk [at] hotmail (dot) com email address still works too...it all goes to the same place.

Wednesday, June 20, 2001

Hi.

First, I want to thank two people: Meagan, and Rob, who both told me about this Blogger thing. Thanks.

I've been talking about raccoons a lot lately, so the story that's been on the front page of the London Free Press for the last few days really caught my attention. Apparently a roofer was working on a roof, and came across a raccoon. He then beat it with a hammer and dropped it off in a dump far away, leaving its four babies with no mother. He said he did it because a raccoon had bitten him a few years ago. Now, obviously, this pisses me off. Raccoons are smart animals...as smart as some primates...and personally I think killing a raccoon is almost as bad as murder (if not just as bad). Also, if this guy can do that to a raccoon, what's stopping him from doing it to a person? He better spend some time in jail.

This reminds me of a story I heard in the news a few years ago. Some teenagers in a pickup truck were driving along, and were seen throwing a puppy out of the window. A witness heard them say "bounce, baby, bounce" as they drove away. GRRR. Whenever I need to make myself angry (e.g. when working out, to give me a little boost of energy), I just think of that, and I'm angry.

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

I had a weird dream last night. First I was in an electronics store watching movies on a HUGE television. Then I heard screams coming from down the road. Suddenly I was inside an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Since I'd seen the episode I was in, I knew that the screams were because Dawn (Buffy's little sister) had just died. So, me and Xander (who was now watching movies with me) went running to Buffy's house, where the screams were coming from. Willow was standing outside, and she was quite upset. She started explaining to us what happened, but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying because she was too cute! I kept thinking "wow, she's even better looking in real life than on TV." The dream ended as I stood there drooling while she explained how Dawn had been eaten by a monster or something.

About the raccoons in my yard...I haven't seen any of them in two days. I'm really hoping that the mother came back and found them. That's what I'll choose to believe, because other possibilities are too depressing.

Monday, June 11, 2001

Weird things have been going on in my backyard lately. First, all of the fish in my pond were killed or eaten by a big-ass bird. He's attacked the fish before, but usually he only kills one or two. That was sad. Then, looking behind a bush beside the pond, I found three baby raccoons! They're the cutest things in the world...they're so small that they can barely walk, but they make little chirping noises and bite each other's tails. Unfortunately, their mother is probably far away. Our next door neighbour had caught an adult raccoon 3 days earlier (because it was trying to eat his pets) and took it to a forest a few blocks away. That was probably the mother. Either that, or that big-ass bird ate the mother. Either way, she's gone, and we don't know what to do. Yesterday, only one baby was still in the area, and I haven't seen any of them today. I hope that their mother finds them, or they learn to survive on their own.



Here's a raccoon eating Apple Jacks.







Thursday, June 07, 2001

I had a fun dream last night. I was in a hospital, wearing a hospital gown, even though I wasn't sick. Several other people were there too, and they weren't sick either. I wandered around for a while, trying to find out what was going on. Eventually I found that my family was there too. I asked my dad what was going on, and after questioning him for a while, I found out that he had put us all in the hospital so they could do experiments on us. I asked him "don't you think that's kinda immoral? Subjecting your family to secret experiments?" He then explained to me that he would be getting a LOT of money for letting them use his family. So I was like "oh, that's cool then. Yay, we're gonna be rich!" After a few days, I took part in the first "experiment." I was dressed up in a tuxedo, then put in a room with a bunch of other guys in tuxedos. In the room was a big-ass television with a video camera on top. The television showed what was being recorded by the camera. Apparently it was a "beauty contest", and we all had to look good for the camera, because we would be judged later (this part probably comes from the fact that I was at HotOrNot right before I went to bed, judging people on how hot they are). I thought it was pretty stupid, so I just stood there doing nothing. I think that's where the dream ended. I never found out if I won the beauty contest, but I hope I did. :)

Oh, and Moulin Rouge was really good. Obi-Wan sure can sing! And Nicole Kidman's nose looks weird when you see it up close. I dunno...just something about those nostrils.

Yesterday, I spent all my money and bought the Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon DVD, as well as Radiohead's new album, Amnesiac. I love buying DVDs. It's just so nice to put it there, between Charlie's Angels and Dark City, and realize that my beautiful pile of DVDs is now an inch thicker. Oh, and watching them is fun too.



Tuesday, June 05, 2001

Yay, I finally got this Blog working! It should now be embedded on my homepage, and should soon replace my "Thing of the Day" (or TOTD, as my biggest fans call it.)

So anyway, I'm probably gonna go see Moulin Rouge today. I think Baz Luhrmann's version of Romeo and Juliet was damn cool, so I'm looking forward to Moulin Rouge. I'll be sure to ramble about what I thought of it after I see it. Oh, and I pronounce it "moo-lon" rouge. I don't put on some fake French accent every time I say the title of the movie. Besides, it's pronounced that way in the trailer, so that's how it was meant to be said. Eat that.

Hey, let's see if pictures work here!





Ok, so I'm gonna be an exhibitionist and write all my deepest, most personal thoughts here every day (approximately). I bet nobody's gonna read this, but at least it's fun for me.

So, what should I write about today? Well I woke up to find a horrible rash on my balls this morning, and it itches like hell. Haha just kidding. But seriously, I do kinda have a rash on my shoulder. You see, a few days ago I noticed some nasty ugly shoulder hair growing there. I decided to try getting rid of it, so I borrowed some "cold wax" stuff from my sister. Let me give you some advice: never use Nair cold wax shit. It's this big strip that you put on your skin, then immediately rip off. It's like the world's biggest band-aid, except instead of helping your skin heal, it actually rips your skin off. Oh, and it only rips skin off, not hair. So you're left with a bleeding, hairy mess.

Ok that's enough for today. Was that personal enough for you? Good. Now go away.

Monday, June 04, 2001


Where am I? What's going on? I'm so confused. Will you hold me?