Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Happy September 11th Everyone!!!


Now some of you are probably thinking that using the words "happy" and "September11th" in the same sentence is just terrible. Fuck that. I'm going to be happy today. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I wasn't hit by an airplane and killed. Why do people feel it necessary to mourn on the anniversary of a death (or 3000 deaths)? I can see the families of the victims being sad...they're reminded of what they've lost, it's only natural. But to those only tangentially affected, I don't see how moping around all day is going to help anybody. The whole world mourning isn't going to bring back all those people from the dead (although that would make for a really cool zombie movie!). And speaking of joking, how is joking about September 11th hurting anybody? I can feel bad for the victims of terrorism, I can hate terrorists, and I can make funny jokes about terrorism all at the same time. They're not inconsistent things.


Example:


So with the above image, I'm sure whoever created it has nothing against New York. It's just a funny play on the traditional "I heart NY" merchandise. I can feel bad about terrorism and laugh at this image at the same time. Maybe laughing at it will help people deal with the sorrow that terrorism causes. It's all good. So this September 11th, go out and play...make jokes about Osama's beard...and think about how lucky you are to be alive. Being sad doesn't help anybody.


That's my serious opiniony thing for the day. TIME TO EAT COOKIES!!!!!11



Friday, August 30, 2002

Nipples

I was at a web site called The Straight Dope, and it was explaining to me why males have nipples. That itself was interesting, but I came across the following paragraph:

Human nipples appear in the third or fourth week of development, well before the sex characteristics. (The sex hormones start to assert themselves at seven weeks.) As many as seven pairs of nipples are arranged along either side of a "milk line," a ridge of skin that runs from the upper chest to the navel. Normally only one pair amounts to anything, but on about one baby in a hundred you can detect some vestige of the other ones, usually on the order of a freckle.

See?? I'm part of that freaky 1% of the population. I really do have 4 nipples, not just conveniently places birthmarks. And some of my friends doubted me. EAT IT.

Song of the Moment: Under the Milky Way by The Church. Yum, 80's.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

randomness

Sometimes I think that a really good reason to do something is simply because it's never been done before. For example, I bet the phrase "grapefruit flavoured band-aid" has never been uttered before. I will use it as much as possible today.

Song of the Moment: Paralyzed by The Cardigans (a very underrated band, methinks)

Monday, August 12, 2002

Life Kicks Ass

Wow, I haven't update this site in a while. It's been so long that all my chest hair has grown back since my last post.

So, I was away in North Carolina for most of the summer studying parapsychology, and I just got back a week or two ago (I'm getting so forgetful in my old age that I can't tell the difference between a week and two weeks...maybe I should be worried. Oh well.) For those who don't know, parapsychology is the scientific study of psychic phenomena (and to a lesser extent, stuff like ghosts and survival of death). It was fun. And I'm no weirder than I used to be, really.

Now that I'm back in London, life is pretty much perfect for me. I have a good job, no silly school to worry about, and I recently acquired an amazingly wonderful girlfriend. If I move out of my parents' house, I'll practically be a real person. I rule.

On a lighter note (?), I just bought a bag of those Reese peanut butter Bites. The weird thing is, it says "new" on the package. These things aren't new...they've been out for more than a year now. They also taste a bit funny. The inevitable conclusion is that the package of Bites I bought has been sitting in that store for a loooong time. I hope I get sick so I can sue them.

My coffee also has little white chunks in it, and tastes weirder with every sip. What's with my luck today? I guess fate is making up for all the perfectness in my life by throwing in a little crapiness.

Oh well.

That is all.

Current Best Song Ever: Burning Down the House by Tom Jones. I have no idea why this song suddenly popped into my head, but I sure am digging it.

Thursday, May 09, 2002

Nudity

So I shaved my chest today...just to try something different. It's weird feeling my shirt rub against my chest...something I haven't felt in years. And I look like one of those birds in cartoons that lose all their feathers and look funny. So, if you happen to see me topless, please don't laugh.

Current Best Song Ever: Want You Bad by the Offspring. I agree with every word of this song.

Sunday, April 28, 2002

Science is Fun

This web page is the most disturbing thing ever.

It's called "Home experiments for mothers of elementary school children." It's obviously translated from Japanese. Each 'experiment' begins with a poorly translated story about a mother and her kid doing their experiment. Here's an excerpt from "surprising experiments using a microwave machine":



Toshi: "Let's do the experiment you just mentioned right now!"
He likes anything to do with fire and something dangerous.
Toshi: "What? Just putting into a microwave? "


Hmmm. And then here's the "experiment"

Microwave a fluorescent light tube:
Place a fluorescent light tube in a microwave machine, close it s door and start the machine.


Other experiments involve creating fireworks out of pork, and "making slime." The weird thing is, I don't think this page was meant to be funny.

Current Best Song Ever: Complicated by Avril Lavigne. She'd be the hottest person ever if it wasn't for those stupid Alanis hand motions.

Saturday, April 27, 2002

I'm having some problems with the page, so some stuff (i.e. pictures) might look fucky for a while. Sorry.

Death Sucks

So I hear that Lisa "Lefteye" Lopes died in a car crash today. That's really sad, because she was the hottest member of TLC. I was pretty sure that her and me were meant to be together, but I guess I was wrong. Still, it feels like I've lost my soul mate. Even though she said she didn't want me in No Scrubs, I know she didn't mean it. She loved me with all her heart, and it's a shame that she's not around to love me any more. She will miss me.



Current Best Song Ever: Baby Baby Baby by TLC. I think this was the first song to ever make me horny. I was 13, so just saying the word "sex" probably made me horny...but still, the song has historical significance for me.

Monday, April 08, 2002

The Philosophy of Raisins

There are 2 scoops of raisins in every package of Kellog's Raisin Bran, right? Does that include the big "family size" packages? Because if so, then the concentration of raisins gets smaller as the package gets bigger. What a rip-off. If I liked raisins, maybe I'd be upset.

And hey, try typing "raisins" a few times really fast. Is it just me, or are you tempted to type "raisings"? Maybe it's just me. Fine. Go away.

Current Best Song Ever: We're An American Band by Grand Funk

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

Sucks/Cool

So I went to the dentist today to get some cavities filled (so I forgot to floss for a few months...it's not my fault, I had a lot on my mind). Now I can't feel my face. It sucks because I'm hungry but I can't eat or I might bite my own tongue off. Then again, it's cool because when I rub my lips together, it feels like I'm kissing a chick.

A stubbly chick...but hey, I take what I can get.

Current Best Song Ever: Escape by Enrique Igoogliass

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

Sick

If you use a Hotmail email address, you probably know how much junk mail you can get every day. Usually it's pretty obvious what's junk mail and what's real mail just by the subject line. If it says "TIGHT 18 YEAR OLD MIDGET SLUTS WITH HORSES!" then it's obviously junk mail (unless you're into that sort of thing). However, today, the junk mail people actually fooled me into opening one of them. Here it is:

Subject: Rape

Rape? That doesn't sound like junk mail. It doesn't sound like any normal mail I get either, but I was intrigued, so I clicked it.

Don't be raped by high interest rates!

http://www.bulkemailsite.com:81/birthdaybill/


Dude! Now that is just sick. Using the concept of rape to sell something...geez. Who's going to click on your link after reading that? Especially when the address is at "bulkemailsite.com", and from a guy named "birthdaybill". I'm too scared to click on it and see what's there...I'm afraid it's actually Birthday Bill's gallery of people he's killed and eaten. If you're braver than me, go nuts.


Current Best Song Ever: Norwegian Wood (The Bird Has Flown) by The Beatles.

Friday, March 22, 2002

I Am Better Than You.

So I saw Blade 2 tonight. That's right, I got to see it a whole day before everybody else, because I am God. It was an excellent movie. If you liked the dance club scene in the first Blade, this is basically two hours of that, and with wrestling moves. Wrestling moves! Who does that?

Current Best Song Ever: Anything by The Doors ("Anything" isn't the name of a song, I just mean that all of their songs are good. Idiot.)

Thursday, March 14, 2002

Best Music of Last Year


OK, I've said what my favourite movies were last year, so now I feel obligated to mention my favourite albums. I can't pick one that was a clear winner, so I'll just list a few of the best, in no particular order.


Radiohead - Amnesiac: So it was basically a sequel to Kid A...but more of an Empire Strikes Back kind of sequel than a Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge. I just don't see how they can possibly top themselves now, and I'm hoping they don't make it a trilogy.


Gorillaz (s/t): Who knew that cartoons could make such wonderful music?


Garbage - Beautiful Garbage: A lot of people didn't like this, but I just adored it. It just sounds so...pink. I like pink.


Marilyn Manson - Holy Wood...: Woo! Still my favourite band, despite the fact that I don't wear black makeup and attempt suicide every day (although I am reading the Satanist Bible, and that's some interesting stuff). Now where's that friggin movie he promised us??


The Tea Party - The Interzone Kantras, & Our Lady Peace - Spiritual Machines: I put these two together because they're both Canadian, and I saw them both live last year, and they both kick so much ass that it hurts. Ouch.


Other good stuff: Bjork (Vespertine), Moulin Rouge Soundtrack, Rob Zombie (The Sinister Urge), Tool (Lateralus), Aphex Twin (drukqs), N Sync (Celebrity) (come on, at least they're better than the Backstreet Boys), Kylie Minogue (Fever), Lords of Acid (Farstucker - also the winner of "best album title of the year") and a shitload of others that I just can't remember right now.


New Thing!

All this talk of music gave me a good idea (well, it's not my idea...I've seen it on other blog web sites). Every time I update this thing, I'll include a "Best song ever", which is basically the song I currently think is the best ever. Of course, this changes from moment to moment. Usually it will be the song that's currently stuck in my head, or the song I most recently heard. My opinion on what's the best ever is easily changed.


Current Best Song Ever: Cherry Lips by Garbage



Saturday, February 16, 2002

Welcome to the New Phronk.Com

That's right, I've totally redesigned this web site's interface by adding colour to the titles of my posts! Isn't that exciting??? Anyway, I have something to complain about now, so listen up.

You know what's funny? Foods that advertise that they're "low fat", but only because there's not much of it. For example, today I had some Lean Cuisine frozen ravioli, and it only came with like 3 raviolis. Of course it's low fat, you're only eating two bites of food. Same with crackers that advertise themselves as low fat....you look at the fine print, and it's like Only 3 grams of fat!!! (per cracker). Cookie dough ice cream can be considered low fat if you only eat one spoonful per "serving." I think I'll start marketing that.

P.S. Aren't Canadians supposed to be good at hockey? Fucking Swedish, always ruining everything.

Friday, February 15, 2002

The Best and Worst Movies of the Year

The Academy Award nominations were announced recently, and I'm pretty please with them. I'm glad to see a movie like Lord of the Rings get lots of nominations, because more fantasyish movies need to be made. Anyway, now is a good time to share my worthless opinion with you on what movies I think were the best and worst of the year. I'll do the same thing with music sometime soon. Here we go!

Best Movie: It's a tie!

Moulin Rouge: No movie this has made me get that shivery feeling down my spine more than Moulin Rouge. I love it more every time I see. I love the music, and I'm not sick of the soundtrack despite having listened to it at least 3 gajillion times and getting it stuck in my head for days on end. I love Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman and the fat dude who played Zidler or Sidler or whatever his name is. And on top of it being a wonderful movie, it now has a wonderful DVD with tonnes of fun extra features. It would definitely be the best movie of the year if it didn't have to share the honour with:

Ginger Snaps: The stupid Academy didn't nominate it for anything, but Ginger Snaps is my new favourite werewolf movie. Everything about this movie, from the clever Carrie-like "am I a normal teenager or a werewolf?" theme to the creepy music. This movie was gory, and there are few movies these days that use gore effectively. Also, it's Canadian, but without the "shitty movie" feel of most Canadian movies. Oh, and Ginger is hot as hell, which always helps. If you haven't seen this movie yet, go out and rent it now. This, too, has a wonderful DVD (only in Canada though, so if you're in the US, move here).

Honourable mentions:

Lord of the Rings: I was hoping to be blown away by this movie. However, while I can recognize that everything about this movie was perfect, it just didn't have the impact on me that the two movies mentioned above did. I have to see it again to really judge it fairly.

Memento: A movie that actually required you to think! Plus it had such an original gimmick that it wasn't like watching a normal movie...it was a whole new experience.

Harry Potter: All it did was bring the book to life on the screen. The fact that they didn't completely screw it up is reason enough to mention this movie here.

Other good movies: Jeepers Creepers, Josie and the Pussycats (screw you, I liked it), Vanilla Sky, Freddy Got Fingered (Tom Green is a genius), Shrek, Monsters Inc, Legally Blond, Ocean's 11, Fast and the Furious, Final Fantasy, Amelie, and probably a few others I'm forgetting.

Worst Movie:

Driven: I like every movie I see, and this is no exception, but it's the only one I can think of that was undeniably, objectively, total crap. There really wasn't anything good about it, except a few good songs on the soundtrack (although I used to think so, I now realize that Estella Warren isn't even that hot). There were moments where I couldn't help but laugh at the bad dialogue or shitty especial effects. As I mentioned, I was still entertained (except during the boring parts), but it's just a scientific fact that Driven was a piece of smelly elephant dung that's been sitting in the sun all day and got puked on by a llama. A gay llama.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!! :) :) :)

I'm writing a song to celebrate Valentine's day. The chorus goes "you flew an airplane into my heart." It's called Osama Bin Lovin' . One day it's gonna be a big hit, and I'll be writing songs for big stars like Madonna and Vanilla Ice.

Wednesday, February 13, 2002

Pix

So today I got my graduation picture taken. I've always thought these things were questionable. Nobody looks good in them, because they're not really smiling. It's a fake smile, like when somebody tells a bad joke but you don't want to insult them so you smile anyway. You use different muscles when you perform a fake smile vs. a real smile, and fake smiles look like crap. I think there should be photographers that you can hire to stalk you for a few days, and take pictures of you when you're really smiling and you think nobody's looking. Those would look much better.

Telekinetic Weirdness

Just a few minutes ago, I was thinking about my email account and how I hadn't checked a certain email address (my UWO one) in a while. I am able to check my UWO mail from my Hotmail account with the click of a button, and I was already logged into Hotmail. So, I closed the message I was reading with the intention of checking my UWO mail immediately after that. However, I didn't even need to click the button; Hotmail went immediately to my UWO email. It's as if Hotmail knew what I was thinking and went to the correct address for me. This has never happened before, and it happened to happen (whoa, too many happens) right when I was thinking about it. I'm quite baffled, and it's stuff like this that makes me want to study parapsychology.

Update: When I actually did click to get my UWO email, it didn't work...some settings were wrong. So, somehow, Hotmail got the settings right and then checked my email for me, before I even knew what the right settings were. As Joey from Blossom would say, "whoa." **


** Or Keanu Reeves, for those who don't remember Blossom.


Monday, February 11, 2002

Story Time

I would like to share with you a very special story that I have written. I wrote this for my Classical Studies class. So, my entire future depends partly on this story. I put a lot of work into it, and I really think it's reflected in the final product. It's also reflected in the mark I got: 14.1 out of 15. I bet the TA wanted to give it perfect, but the maximum they're allowed to give out is 14...so he added that extra 0.1 just as a symbolic gesture. You know, to say "hey, I wish I could give you a perfect, but the man is keeping me down." A subtle sign, but I figured it out, Mr. TA. Anyway, click below to read the epic story that critics (my TA) describe as "Fun!"

Click here to read my masterpiece

Saturday, February 09, 2002


Link of the Day

THIS MAY BE THE MOST IMPORTANT LINK YOU EVER CLICK!
It's JesusDiet.com...the people who discovered that eating food can have horrible side effects. I'll never eat again! They also discovered that time seems to slow down when you stop eating, so you seem to experience longer days. Wow. Nailing myself to a crucifix makes the day go a lot slower too. If I stop eating and subject myself to excruciating pain every day, my life will seem so long that I won't know what to do with my time (except cry and wish for death). So basically, the Jesus Diet is not eating anything. Oh, but there is something you must drink....you gotta click the link to find out what it is. Click now, and remember who sent you on the road to a long and healthy life.

(me)

Thursday, February 07, 2002

Most Underrated Band Ever

So yesterday I was going through my CD collection, searching for a CD to listen to on the way to and from school. Suddenly, I came across Chumbawamba, those mid-90's one hit wonders. I realized that I hadn't listened to their CD in a while, so I popped it in my discman and went on my merry way. As I trotted along, I began remembering just how great of an album it is. This band should not have been a one hit wonder, it should have been huge. Those crazy anarchists should be opening for N Sync and Britney. But hey, they're still around, so maybe I'll get their newest album. With song titles like "Hey Hey We're the Junkies", it can't be too bad.

Deep Thought of the Day

Have you ever noticed that "perfection" and "infection" both end in "fection"???

Sunday, February 03, 2002

Sometimes I truly believe that everybody is stupid except me.

Sunday, January 20, 2002

ROFLMFAO

I rarely laugh out loud at my computer. There's just something unwholesome about laughing at a piece of machinery. However, tonight a web site made me laugh so hard that I would have spewed chili out of my nose, had I been eating chili. Here's a link to it: Children's Books (yes, I've posted stuff from this site before). One image that made me laugh particularly hard is this one:



Hahahaahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Why didn't I think of that?

Music Controls You

So I was thinking yesterday. I usually try to avoid thinking, but yesterday I decided to make an exception. Anyway, I was thinking about music, and how much music I listen to. Think about this: I get up in the morning, and often turn on my stereo to listen to the radio for a few minutes as I wake up. Then I go watch TV while I eat breakfast, usually one of the 683 music stations I now get. I get ready and go to school and/or work (they're the same place for me), listening to my discman on the way there. When I get there, I work at the computer while listening to my discman some more. If I have a class, I take a brief break from music...phew. Then I walk home with my discman again, maybe play some video games (with background music, of course), then eat dinner. After dinner, I usually go out to some public place, where there is always the omnipresent background music. Sometimes I'll go to a movie, with its musical score blasting (except in the quiet parts). Then I get home, put on my stereo again, and fall asleep. I didn't mean to bore you with the details of my day, but my point is that I'm listening to music for most of my waking hours. Maybe you do too. It's weird that we don't get sick of hearing music. Most of it is the same....just a beat of a certain speed, with some other sounds swirling around it. Yet it always sounds good. Or maybe it doesn't....maybe we're just addicted to it, so we're compelled to listen to music whenever possible.

Nah, not true. I'm happier now that I'm listening to music than I was 30 seconds ago as I wrote that paragraph in silence. So, it really is worth it to surround myself with music. Yay. (And if you were wondering, I'm listening to Five For Fighting's song "Bella's Birthday Cake." Good song.)