Saturday, December 24, 2005

Santa: Scarier Than Clowns

Here is a beautiful gallery of kids being scared by Santa. I think I'd be crying too if I was on some of those Santas' laps...some are way too skinny to be Santa, and some just look like serial killers. But my favourite one is below, where Santa is just as scared of the kids as they are of him. Heheh.

10670851


Friday, December 23, 2005

Pacifism

I've decided that instead of killing Tom Hanks, I'll just post a really bad picture of him. Take that, Hanks.


Thursday, December 22, 2005

Smart? (Part 6: The Finale)

(Part 1)
(Part 2)
(Part 3)
(Part 4)
(Part 5)


Artist's rendition of our smart car, if it were
covered in snow, and I were a woman.
Lately, the #1 question asked about our smart car is "how does it handle in the snow?" The answer is "the same as any other car, dumbass." I really found out how good it handled earlier today, when I got into a bit of a slippery situation. Let me tell you about it.

After my last encounter with Bigfoot, I studied the documents recovered from his trash. I deduced that his plan was to strike the Mercedes factory at midnight on the night of the winter solstice, hiding raw meat in every car coming off the line. Although Dracula was out of the picture, I had no doubt that Bigfoot would attempt to carry out the plan in his memory. So I activated the smart car's jet capabilities and flew to Europe, determined to stop the plan from ever reaching fruition.

I came upon the factory in the dead of night. It was cold and blizzardy out, and I could feel my snot freeze as I got out of the car and watched the factory through some binoculars. All seemed normal, until a set of headlights suddenly shone right behind me! I pulled out my bow and arrow, ready to fire, but it was not Bigfoot who got out of the car. In the darkness, I first thought it was William Shatner who stood before me. However, as he drew closer, I saw that it was only Tom Hanks.

PEOPLE_HANKS_NY11211302334
"Tom!" I said, "what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to promote my new movie, The Da Vinci Code, which features an exciting smart car chase in it. I heard about Sasquatch's plan, and I thought that stopping it would be good publicity."

"Interesting, Tom," said I, "but I see no reporters. How will the public know about this act of heroism?"

"I knew that you would be writing about this on your world-famous blog," said Tom flatteringly.

Before I could ask any more questions, there was a commotion at the factory. I looked through my binoculars just in time to see a flash of fur dart into the main doors. Two dead guards lay on the snowy ground. I immediately turned around to chase Bigfoot, but Tom stopped me. "Do you really think that's 'Smart'? Going after the mighty Sasquatch with only a bow and arrow?" he said. I knew he was right, and almost began to weep with despair. But then Tom placed an object in my hand. "This is no ordinary gun," he explained, "this gun shoots TIME BULLETS. They will transport anything they hit to another time!"

I smiled, and gave Tom a nod of thanks. I charged into the factory, a bow in one hand and the time gun in the other. I followed a trail of dead bodies to Bigfoot, who was standing at the end of the assembly line with a bag of raw meat. I became even more angry when I noticed that it was kitten meat. Bastard! I fired the bow using my teeth, but it was no surprise that the arrow bounced right off of Bigfoot's tough hide.

He looked at me, fire in his eyes. "You are the individual who has injured me grievously, and murdered my beloved husband" he roared with fury. "Have at you!"

The monster threw several half-completed smart cars at me, but I managed to shoot them out of the air with my bow. Bigfoot roared again, and charged straight at me. I took steady aim with the time gun, then fired. Unfortunately, the time bullet only struck his left leg. The leg was transported back in time with a flash of light.

I later read a history book describing the story of a poor family in 1920's Europe who prayed to God for food, any food. A large hairy leg then appeared on their kitchen table. The family ate it, but described it as "stringy", and later became atheists.

sasquatch
Anyway, before I could reload and fire again, Bigfoot managed to get into one of the cars coming off of the line. He wouldn't have fit into it, had his left leg not been missing. Damn! He drove off at top speed as I got into another smart, giving chase.

As I drove away, I saw Tom Hanks outside. Bigfoot's army of undead kangaroos had arrived, and Tom was fighting them off with a box of grenades. "Life is like a box of chocolates" he said, "you never know what the hell you're gonna get!" Tom then pulled a handful of grenades out of the box and tossed them at the kangaroos, laughing maniacally the whole time.

Knowing Tom could take care of himself, I drove past. I chased Bigfoot for what seemed like hours, maneuvering down the twisting and narrow European roads. The car handled surprisingly well in the snow, though I slipped around a little bit. I think I'll get snow tires for my own car. Finally, Bigfoot took a turn a bit too fast and crashed into a lightpost. The car exploded on impact, since lightposts in Europe use volatile gases as power. Bigfoot got out of the car, his fur on fire.

The monster has survived my attacks before, so I knew that I really had to finish him off this time. I stepped on the gas and aimed the car toward him. I made sure the time gun was on the seat beside me, then activated the smart car's self destruct feature. The car struck Bigfoot, catching him on the roof, and I jumped out of the car door, rolling in the snow. The car traveled a few more feet, then exploded. The fire caused all the time bullets in the gun to go off at once, opening a portal through time in the middle of the road.

sun-soho011905-1919z
Through the portal, all I could see was bright red light. I immediately knew that it was a portal to the distant future, when the sun had swallowed the earth and life as we know it no longer existed. The shell of the car careened into the portal, right into the center of the sun, and I briefly saw the outline of Bigfoot's skeleton before he was completely incinerated.

My mission was complete. I had finally destroyed Bigfoot, the symbol of everything that is wrong with the world. I had a party that night and invited Tom Hanks, but he didn't come. I might have to kill him next.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed reading about my experiences so far with the smart car. This story has been 100% true. Bye now.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Clerk Jump Kicks Thief

Check out this story about a clerk with six black belts who karate kicked a would-be robber right out of his store (literally). Then he whipped out his cell phone and took a picture of the guy's license plate. Be sure to watch the video. My favourite quotes: "I didn't want to hurt him, but he made me", and "I have enough experience to handle you, and I have to use it."

It's nice to see that action heroes exist in real life, one-liners and all.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Smart? (Part 5: The Case of the Harmful Halitosis)

(Read Part One first)
(Then Part Two)
(Part Three)
(And Part Four)

Today, I went out to drop off some movies (Fantastic Four and Mr & Mrs Smith...both OK but not great movies). On the way home, I noticed a wonderous sight at the corner of Oxford and Wonderland. There was a castle there which had not been there the day before. I pondered this for a moment, then came to a startling realization: Dracula had moved into the neighbourhood. It's the way vampires work, you see...they move from place to place, using their magic vampire bricklaying powers to instantly make comfortable castles to live in. If you drive by that intersection, you probably won't see it though. Only those who have been trained in the way of the ninja can actually see these castles.

I activated the smart car's stealth capabilities and pulled into the driveway, hoping to find some clues as to Dracula and Bigfoot's plans. I sifted through the garbage can and found some documents referring to an evil plot to put rotten meat in all new smart cars, making them reek of decay instead of new-car-smell. What bastards! They needed to be stopped...but how? As I was about to leave, the door to the castle opened. Bigfoot came out, wearing a bath robe and slippers. God damn, he was alive after all. As he bent down to get the mail from the doorstep, a hand shot out of the doorway and pinched Bigfoot's ass. Dracula stepped out, giggling, and the two monsters locked lips in a furry embrace. I had a feeling they were more than friends. I drove off, instantly aware of what needed to be done.

I prepared a lovely gift basket full of garlic. I put a pretty bow on it, and addressed it to Bigfoot. Love, Dracula.

I disguised myself as a delivery man, then returned to the castle and rang the doorbell. Luckily, it was Bigfoot who answered. As we all know, Bigfoot loves garlic, and as soon as he saw the basket and read the card on it, he ate the whole thing in one mighty bite. I watched as he turned around, a big smile on his face, and called for Dracula.
The vampire ran into the room. He smelled the garlic and recoiled, but Bigfoot was overcome with gratitude. Bigfoot ran to Dracula and picked him up in one massive hand, then kissed him on the forehead, kissed him on the ears, kissed him on the nose, and finally, kissed him on the mouth. By the time he realized what he had done, it was too late. Dracula's face was melting off, burned by the garlic in Bigfoot's slobber. Bigfoot's cry of anguish sent a cloud of garlic-infused breath across Dracula, finishing him off. I fled the castle as Dracula was reduced to a pile of dust, not wanting to be there when Bigfoot's rage was unleashed.

One down, one to go.

Friday, December 16, 2005

More Saugeen Stripper Crap

For those who didn't get the "joke" in my last post, it refers to the scene pictured to the right.

Let me go back to the Saugeen strippers thing (Please note that part of the reason I'm posting about it yet again is because hundreds of people have found this site by searching for info about the strippers, and not unlike the strippers themselves, I am a whore for hits to my web site. They fuel my ego, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.)

I have noticed a trend in stories involving sex at Western. They always get blown way out of proportion, and then myths spring up which sensationalize them even more. For example, for as long as I can remember, there has been a rumour that David Letterman's top ten list once involved the top places to get laid, and Western (or Saugeen) came first (or maybe second). If you've ever seen Letterman's top ten lists, they are usually one joke with ten punchlines. "UWO" isn't really a funny thing to say, especially for an American audience that's never heard of it. It just doesn't have the comedic appeal of "meat" being one of the "top ten words that almost rhyme with hat." The Gazette agrees that this rumour is probably false.

Then there's the recent controversy of a porn being filmed at a keg party near Western. This one's true, as there's evidence right there on tape in your local porn shop. But then, as I was reading all the hot London blogs (and other popular blogs which have picked up the story for some reason), I came across a comment on Gardner's blog...which describes a rumour that one of the dudes in the porn got AIDS from one of the porn stars. I have no idea if that's true, but it stinks of a myth to me. Professional porn stars, of all people, would probably be careful about that sort of thing. At least, that's what I gather from watching Family Business.

Soon, this story about the strippers will probably involve two goats and a giant jar of peanut butter. And they'll have been kicked out of university, only to be paid three millions dollars to molest Johnny Carson's corpse on national television. Or something.

P.S. Some people have made a good point...is this more degrading to the women, or to the dorky looking guys sitting there with a boner while a naked woman has complete control over them? It all seems like good clean fun to me, but if it is degrading, it is equally so for both sexes.

P.P.S. It's fun to see that some people can be complete pricks about the whole issue. This article is nicely judgemental, with a hint of comparing this to actual serious issues, and a pinch of broad generalizations about the entire city of London. Sheesh. Some people need to get laid and/or play with themselves more often.

P.P.P.S. (I don't wanna make a whole new post for this): I didn't realize how huge this is! One of the most popular blogs in the world, Tony Pierce's "Busblog", has posted about this several times, including an interview with someone who went to Saugeen a few years ago. Not exactly insider info, but a fun read. And most surprising of all is that "Saugeen" reached number 3 (maybe higher) on Technorati. Technorati is a directory of all blogs...the place to go to find out what's popular on the internet at the moment. The lovely stripper has been beating out the likes of King Kong and George Bush as the most talked about thing in the ENTIRE WORLD. Why does one naked girl (well, two actually) make such big news? I have no idea, but it makes me damn proud to go to UWO.

There are even Saugeen T-shirts for sale! Hahaha...funny stuff.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Susan's Sensational Saugeen Strippers Scandal

Now the London Free Press has gotten their hands on the Saugeen Stripper story. After the Toronto Star, strangely.

Even more surprising is the fact that UWO's own Gazette newspaper hasn't said anything about it yet. If I was paranoid, I'd think there's some conspiracy going on...a coverup. Or maybe they just realized that a few people walking around naked really isn't a big deal.

The funniest part about this whole thing is that the person at UWO who seems to be speaking for the university is Susan Grindrod. That's right, GRIND ROD. They probably sent her to the media on purpose. "Well, we could send our media relations expert...but the VP of housing is named Grindrod. Let's send her and see if anyone notices the connection. Teehee."

Oh, and everyone seems to be talking as if there was just one stripper. In the pictures, I see four boobies...and unless life has become the utopian future prophesied in Total Recall, that means two people. Personally, I think the other one is much hotter. It's probably better that she gets less attention though. It won't ruin her life quite as much. Nothing ruins your day more than a destroyed life. (?)

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Strippers in The Zoo

Saugeen Maitland Hall at UWO is known as the trashiest place on campus. It lived up to its reputation recently, when a handful of girls decided to do a striptease for a dude's birthday, and capture it all on camera. Of course, the pictures got on the internet and were forwarded to pretty much every student at UWO and beyond. Rumours swirled that the girls would be kicked out of the residence and/or university.

Now I see that The Toronto Star has posted an article about it. Apparently what people do for fun in their own home is big news now. Luckily, it looks like nobody will be punished for the strippification. Why the hell should they be? The residence is their (temporary) home, and it's not illegal to do a striptease in your home. I strip all the time. I even shower naked.

I'm glad the people with power seem to feel the same way as me. Although it disturbs me to see that UWO may have rules about distributing pornography. Huh? That's not illegal...and has nothing to do with academics...so why should the university have anything at all to do with it?

Oh, and you probably want to see the stripper pictures which were passed around. Here you go, pervert. Please Mr Big Brother University Administration, don't kick me out of grad school for posting a link to evil nudity. I know all the consenting adults who read this may be corrupted for life, but all I know how to do is write exams and papers. If you kicked me out into the real world, I'd be forced to find a real job and live above the poverty line. It would be horrible. HORRIBLE.


Thursday, December 01, 2005

My First Politics Post

I don't really care much about politics. I guess I should, but Canada seems to be doing just fine without my involvement, so I'll just live in blissful ignorance. I couldn't ignore this story though...looks like we're having an early election because the goverment got caught doing something naughty. This picture (which I stole from "Gardner") sums it up nicely...Martin is all sad because his government sucks, and Harper is smirking like a kid who just got a gold star. Good for you, Stephen Harper, with your creepy evil eyes and crazy beliefs. Have fun losing...again.

What I find funny about media reports of this story is the emphasis on the fact that the election will happen in the winter. Does that really matter? Are Canadians so lazy that they don't ever leave their houses when it's cold outside? Don't the majority of us go to work or school every day of our lives? If people want to vote, I don't think it will be a deterrant to walk for 10 seconds in the cold to get to their car and drive five minutes to the polling station. Sheesh.

Anyway, I haven't blogged in a while because I've been playing my brand new Xbox 360. Everything you've heard about it is true: it crashes every 2 minutes (just like Windows), and gets so hot that it will burn through any surface you put it on and destroy your entire house. I've burned down three buildings just so I could play Hexic HD for a few more minutes. Oh, and you can't buy these: only people who took part in a secret ritual several years ago have the opportunity to buy one, and they must be paid for IN BLOOD.

I am lying. I will post something about what I actually think of the new Xbox later. Bye.


Sunday, November 20, 2005

Conversations With Dumb People

At the McDonalds drive-through (aka drive-thru) today:

V: "I'll have a number 2 combo."
McDonalds Employee: "Would you like cheese on that?"
V: "On the quarter pounder with cheese?"
McDonalds Employee: "Yeah."
V: "Yes, I'll have cheese on that."

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Telefrancais Ananana OMG!!!

Whoa! Anyone remember Telefrancais? It was that horrible 10 minute show that all Canadian kids were forced to watch in french classes. Well I just came across the theme song here and it brought back all sorts of weird and wonderful memories. It even has its own YTMND.

Then I came across a whole bunch of other Canadian show theme songs! There are old classics like Sesame Street and Today's Special, but also shows I totally forgot about until today, like The Green Forest and The Edison Twins.

Oh and also be sure to listen to Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings. Obvioulsy Mike Myers watched a lot of crappy Canadian TV too.

Now I'll have these stupid songs stuck in my head for weeks. :(

telefrancais


(more awesome comics like this can be found at Dinosaur Comics.)


Thursday, November 17, 2005

Random Ramblings

I just had the best bagel. It was jalapeno flavoured, with cheese on top. The jalapeno flavour came from real chunks of jalapeno...not "jalapeno product" poured into the dough, as per usual. I thank the lady at Encounters for recommending it to me. She is my hero.

Wanna know something sad? I have more spam in my e-mail at this particular moment than all the non-spam mail I've recieved in about six months. Since spam is automatically deleted every month...that means a month's worth of spam equals six months' worth of real email. I get six times more spam than email. And this is at my "real" email address which I only give to people I trust. What the hell happened to the internet?

In other news, my other blog has been updated with a post about my new religion, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.

Finally, I hope you enjoy the new poo brown colour scheme. Heheheheheehehe poo ehhehehe. But really, it's meant to resemble coffee and chocolate (two of my favourite things) than poo. Hehehehehe poo.


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

One Week Until the Xbox 360

I freely admit to being a geek. Which is why I can freely admit to being excited that the new Xbox is coming out in exactly one week. I managed to pre-order one from Futureshop, after a late night of drinking and coming home to realize that they put 10 up for sale every night at three o' clock. So hopefully I will have one on my hands next Tuesday, and I will surely share my impressions on here for anyone who cares.

The only problem is that my dinky 27 inch TV will no long cut it. Tiny tiny 27 inch non-high-definition televisions are so 2004. So I've been looking into big screen TVs which I can't afford. Amazingly, even V seems to be into buying one.

Oh, and speaking of amazing technology, I just got a new paint program. So now I can do stuff like take the picture of the Xbox 360 there, and put zoo animals in the background.

xbox360zoo

God bless technology.


Site Update: Screwed Up Everything

I just spent an hour trying to widen this blog (so I can post bigger pictures...everyone likes big pictures!). But when I tried widening it, the corners were no longer round, so I spent another hour trying to make them round. As you can see, I failed. So I decided to make a nice background image at the top instead. It's chocolate. Mmm, chocolate. While making that, I figured out how to make the corners round again, but now it's 1:00 in the morning and I need to be up early tomorrow. The corners will have to wait.

Edit: I am now playing with the colours. I know the green and brown look ugly together, but this is a gradual process.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Remembrance Day Leftovers

I forgot to post this picture on Remembrance Day. It's just a pretty picture and I wanted to share it. I stole this from Tony Pierce. That's right, Pierce.











Thursday, November 10, 2005

Stillborn Spud

V and I were browsing Ebay for weird stuff today, and came across this potato that looks like a fetus, which they call the "Right to Life Sweet Potato". Strangely, this disgusting veggie doesn't exactly inspire me to rally against abortion. If anything, there should be less creepy fetus things in the world.

Still, I like creepy things, and having a little tuber tot on display would certainly make for interesting conversation. Unfortunately, it's a little bit out of my price range: over 23 000 dollars.

Some of you loyal readers may be rich though, so feel free to buy this incredible edible fetus for me for Christmas. I have a great recipe for potato pancakes that I've been dying to try out.


Fish Porn

I was looking through recent search terms entered to find phronk.com, and noticed that someone who searched for "erotic little mermaid fiction" found my site. Fair enough...I've written before about how Ariel is pretty hot for a cartoon (which is why my site came up). But then I inadvertently clicked on one of the other sites that come up when that search is performed. I can understand, to some degree, the fun in seeing Jessica Rabbit and Sailor Moon naked. But Finding Nemo?! Why!? And this site was actually like a real porn site - you get a few free pictures, then you gotta pay. Do people actually pay for poorly drawn pictures of fish fucking?

Because if they do, I'm in the wrong business. Screw helping people and making the world a better place...I'm better off taking advantage of peoples' weird-ass fetishes by scribbling penises on Disney characters.

Pixar's next movie is Cars. If I start now, I can probably have like 50 drawings of juicy headlights and wide-open tailpipes to release along with the movie. Has my quest to find the perfect get-rich-quick scheme finally come to an end?

No. It hasn't. Now go away, pervert.


Friday, November 04, 2005

Other Blog and Photo Gallery Updated

My other blog has been updated with some beautiful pictures. Also, the link to the Photo Gallery over on the sidebar there now actually goes to a gallery of photographs, rather than all the pics used on this web site. Yum yum, lots of pictures.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

You're The Man Now, Dog

I've noticed that in the last few days, a few hundred people have come to this site searching for "O RLY" in Google. So, welcome, I guess. I hope you found what you were looking for.

While I'm on the topic of stupid internet stuff that makes no sense but is funny anyway, I just have to comment on this site: YTMND.com. The basic idea is that you create a web page that consists of big zooming text in the forground, and a picture or video tiled in the background, with a sound file that plays over it. Then you post it on ytmnd.com for the world to see. This formula has led to hundreds of nonsensical but hilarious ... things.

Apparently the first one was this Sean Connery ytmnd, hence why the site is called YTMND.com.

However, the most popular one, and the one that led me to the site, was this: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Why is this funny?! I don't even know, but it is.

This Batman ytmnd also made me laugh, as did Tom Cruise Kills Oprah.

Oh, and to relate this back to that God damn O RLY owl: Year of the Owl and rly.ytmnd.com.

Edit: This one is hilarious, but only if you play World of Warcraft.



Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Goldsberry the Deer Slayer

Check out this story about this dude, Wayne Goldsberry, who engaged in an epic battle with a deer, finally managing to snap its neck with his bare hands while standing in a pool of its blood.

Now, the deer had broken into his house, so it's not like he went hunting in the forest and forgot his gun. Still, though, I have to wonder if it was entirely necessary to enter the room where the deer was and pick a fight. He could've just shut the door and waited for the authorities to arrive.

However, think of it this way...people who do go hunting do it just for the fun of tracking and killing an animal. This guy killed to defend his home and family. Who is more justified in the murder? The deer wrestler is, in my opinion.

Plus, he does intend to have the deer processed for meat, so not only did he save his home, but he'll provide a hot meal for someone. Maybe he'll eat it himself...there would be something primally satisfying about consuming the large animal you just bested with your bare hands.


Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Site Update: Ad Removal, Other Stuff

I've removed the crappy Rogers-Geocities ad from this site! You probably never noticed it, but it was the ugly thing hanging out there in the upper right, never really showing ads but just taking up space and getting in the way.

Now I have shiny new ads right above the latest post. These should display content which is actually related to stuff I've posted about, which is kind of neat. Plus I get paid for those ads, instead of Rogers getting paid. Especially if you click on them, even if you have no intent to buy anything. Am I allowed to say that? Probabably not, but it's not like they can expect me to read that long user agreement thing. Legal contract my ass.

I've also rearranged some stuff (e.g. the "Writing" section to the right there) to make it look nicer and work with the new ad-free site. But nobody will notice that except me.

Update: I just checked my ad account, and I have made just under $1.00 in ad revenue! At this rate, it will only be about 10 more years before I reach the $100 minimum before they send a cheque out. It's like 50 Cent says...I'm gonna Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Bitch. Or something.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween everybody! Since it is difficult to give out candy over the internet, I have a few Halloween presents for you in the form of links to fun stuff.

First of all, click here to see Jessica Alba completely naked (warning: links from that site may contain porn). Enjoy, boys and lesbians. *

Second, there is the Halloween edition of Jesus Dress-Up. I spent hours there today trying to dress up Jesus as a skeleton dressed up as an M&M wearing a cowboy hat.



* And bisexual men, and bisexual women, and straight transexual men, and homosexual men who still enjoy seeing naked women, and men who think they are homosexual women on the inside, and eskimos.


Sunday, October 30, 2005

More Fun With Owls

Now, whenever somebody says something that they think is funny, but actually is not funny, I will think of this owl. Soon my thoughts will consist entirely of text plastered over pictures of owls.


Thursday, October 27, 2005

I'm Going Insane. O RLY?

I hate it when stupid internet stuff gets stuck in my head. For example, lately whenever someone says "oh really?", or I find myself saying it, this image pops into my head:

O RLY?

This has been posted all over the internet. It's not really funny...it barely even makes sense (but see here for a bit of an explanation). Yet it just pops in my head all the time. I've stopped saying anything interesting or even mildly unbelievable, just in case someone says "oh, really?" to me, causing this:

O RLY?

Sometimes it's not even caused by anything. I'll just be sitting there, or trying to get to sleep, when suddenly:

O RLY?

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!

O RLY?

Well, at least there's this:

YA RLY.


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Movie Review: Serenity

Serenity is the best movie I've seen this year. Maybe I'm just forgetting some great movies, but I don't think I've been as captivated by any other movies in recent months.

Serenity is the movie spin-off of the cancelled TV show Firefly, about outlaws in a vision of space resembling a blend of the old west and China. I'm also a big fan of the show, which should never have been cancelled. It could have been a huge hit if Fox hadn't screwed up its marketing...not to mention showing the episodes out of order. This isn't CSI...it matters which order you watch shows in, or it just won't make sense. What were they thinking?

But anyway, I'm glad that the show managed to survive in the form of a movie. One thing that worried me was that it would end up being a long episode of the show...things would happen, but at the end, everything would be back to normal and ready for the next episode/sequel. Luckily, that's not the case. This movie has balls. Major things happen, and it doesn't feel at all like a 2-hour TV show.

Anybody who is even remotely interested in sci-fi, Westerns, or sci-fi Westerns will like this movie. Hell, anybody who likes movies will like this movie. V liked it, and I heard other girls coming out of the theatre talking about how great it was. Girls! They aren't even supposed to like sci-fi!

Ok, so enough sexist gushing. Just go see Serenity, then buy the DVD. A sequel needs to be made, and the only way that will happen is if lots of people spend money on the first one. It did so-so at the box office, but if enough people continue to buy DVDs (of both the show and movie) it may be enough. With sequels coming out that nobody cares about, like The Whole Ten Yards, Analyze That, Earmuffs of Zorro (or whatever it's called), and Meet the Fockers, certainly a sequel to Serenity can be made.


Friday, October 21, 2005

Smart? (Part 4: Bigfoot vs. Dracula)

(Read Part One first)
(Then Part Two)
(And Part Three)

I woke up this morning to find that the city had moved into the season of fall. I swear I could see my breath in my bedroom. I looked out the window; no snow yet. However, my ninja senses picked up danger. I looked out over Western road, and saw a large truck/SUV/tank thing driving down the road. In the back was a blanket covering a large mass. A brown patch of fur sticking out told me that it was Bigfoot. Had he survived? Or was somebody carting the body around?


Then I noticed who was driving the truck. As I suspected all along, it was Dracula. Who else could have created those undead kangaroos for Bigfoot?

Let's compare Dracula and Bigfoot for a second. Dracula can be killed with a stake through the heart or direct sunlight, while Bigfoot is at his strongest during the day, and has a heart made out of pure steel. Bigfoot can run faster than a cheetah on the ground, but Dracula can turn into a bat and fly at supersonic speeds. Dracula is polite, charismatic and charming, while Bigfoot doesn't even wash his hands after going to the bathroom. Dracula is also repelled by garlic. Well let me tell you something about Bigfoot...he loves garlic. Bigfoot once killed every man, woman and child at a garlic factory just to steal a few pounds of garlic.

So, it would appear that the two monsters are complete opposites. Why would they be hanging out together? Well you see, one's strengths make up for the other's weaknesses. If Bigfoot and Dracula wanted to infiltrate a wooden stake factory, then Dracula could charm the armed guards into letting Bigfoot inside, who could then go inside and destroy the stakes without fear of poking himself. They are the perfect pair.

Things looked worse than ever. I chose not to pursue the truck...they were close enough to finding where I live without me giving it away. I prayed that Bigfoot was dead, being driven to a funeral by his undead friend. Somehow, though, I doubted it.




Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Zombie Walk 2005

I came across an article today about Zombie Walk 2005: an event where hundreds of people dressed up as zombies wandered the streets of Vancouver.

There are only a few things in life which make me have faith in humanity. This is one of them. It also makes me damn proud to be Canadian.

If you click on the image to the right, you can see (literally) a thousand more pictures from this historic event.

P.S. Land of the Dead is out on DVD now. I still haven't seen it, and I hate myself for it.



Movie Review: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

Lately, V and I have been renting movies from some little independent video store, rather than Blockbuster. It's a lot cheaper for one thing, plus Blockbuster's "no more late fees...now we call them restocking fees!" is kinda dumb. To save even more money, we get somewhat old movies, because they're 3 for $6.00. Nice.

The latest one we watched was Sky Captain, which I thoroughly enjoyed. The first thing you notice about this movie is its striking retro-futuristic style, which is just awesome. The juxtaposition of great special effects and horribly shitty special effects kinda fits this theme, so doesn't get in the way too much (I heard that almost the entire movie was shot in front of a green screen. It doesn't look great, but I can see this technique being used and overused a lot more in the future.) The plot and characters have about as much depth as the computer generated backgrounds, but this movie doesn't take itself seriously. It's a shallow, fun action movie, not unlike a modern Indiana Jones.

There is one thing I could complain about in this movie. The name "Sky Captain" implies that this dude is a captain of...you know...the sky. However, I'd say that only half of the action takes place in the sky. On the other hand, if the movie were called "Floor Captain", then I'd probably be complaining that there were too many airplanes in this movie about the captain of the floor. So I can't win.

I give Sky Captain a rating of 10 fingers and 6 toes out of 20 digits.


Tuesday, October 18, 2005

This is a Post About Mistakes I Have Made in This Blog and Also Includes a Random Picture

I came across this article today, which is about the top 10 mistakes in blogging. What I find funny is that some of the "mistakes" are things encouraged by this article about "how to blog". For example, some of the mistakes in the first article are about not being personal enough, while the second article recommends you keep your blog anonymous and hide it from your friends and family, so that you can write whatever the hell you want.

Reading both of these articles, I'll take some advice from each. One mistake mentioned in the first is that the headings of blog postings should be descriptive, and not cute clever things that make no sense out of context. That describes almost every one of my titles. So I will make them clearer from now on. The second article implies that random pictures are good, because people like pictures. So here is a random picture of a snowman on a tractor. Isn't it COOL? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAFHFSDAjklf

In general, I think it's odd to blog about blogging, which is what a lot of bloggers do. It's kinda like listening to a person who only talks about talking. There's really no content to it, it's just information about itself. So I'll stop blogging about blogging and log out like a snogging frog.


Monday, October 17, 2005

On Strike

I just figured out discovered how to cross stuff out so now I will never always write everything that comes into my head without editing anything as I type because I can always just cross it out later yoda. Today was such a busy day that I wanted to kill myself and spit on my own corpse wished I wasn't in school and doing two jobs. There is just so much shit crap to do lately that I feel like I don't have time to actually live my life. I'm so busy with school that I can't learn anything or produce anything. School has actually made me completely useless more stupid than I would be if I was just living life and reading about what I'm interested in. such as erotic Pokemon fan fiction Ah well, I guess things will get back to normal again soon and I'll actually be learning something in school university, and maybe even enjoying it. I can't think of anything funny to type bye now

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Cowboy Menace

I have noticed a growing cowboy problem in London as of late. Last night I went to Downtown Kathy Brown's * , and it seemed like half of the people there were wearing cowboy hats. What the hell?

And a few nights earlier, we were getting into our brand new car, when we were accosted by three cowboys. They told use that they had come into town to do some car tipping.

We managed to get away with our lives by letting them sit in our car. Too bad they got their dirty dirty cowboy dirt all over the formerly spotless floormats.

When will it end?

* P.S. I think I also got poisoned at Downtown Kathy Brown's. I woke up puking this morning, even though I really didn't drink that much. I also felt cold and shaky, which is unusual for a hangover. It was probably a cowgirl, slipping something into my drink so she could slip into my pants. Too bad I'm taken. Stupid cowgirls.


Friday, October 14, 2005

Shiny

I don't normally just post links to stuff, but this is one of the best things I've ever seen. It's better if I don't say anything. Just watch it:

The Shining.

That's the best one, but there are also these:

West Side Story

Titanic

Enjoy!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

iPod Video

Today Apple announced that the iPod will play video content, such as TV shows and music videos.

I think it's cool and all, but how many people will use this? Having portable music is great because there are a lot of situations where you can listen to music while you're out of the house: walking to school, driving, working out, etc. But how many places, other than your house, do you have the urge to watch a video? I can see how it'd be cool to whip out your iPod at the bar and settle the bet on how many times Hurley said "dude" in the latest episode of Lost. Or if you have a long bus ride to work, you could catch up on last night's TV. The thing with video is that it requires your full attention, and attention is an increasingly rare thing these days. Taking up half of it with music can enhance all sorts of activities, but with video it's the only activity you can be doing.

Another thing I find odd is that this iPod comes so soon after the last iPod. I thought it was only a few months ago that the iPod was updated to be in colour and show photos. I remember the days when your brand new computer would be obsolete a year after you bought it, and you'd be all like "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I JUST BOUGHT THIS THING A YEAR AGO AND NOW ZORK 2 WON'T RUN ON IT". These days, you get a new gadget for Christmas, and it's a paperweight by Valentines Day.

Oooh and look, it comes in black now. Everything was black two years ago, and Apple was strikingly original because their stuff was white. Now it's awesome that they're making black stuff. Two years from now they'll switch back to white and we'll piss ourselves in excitement, wondering why nobody had thought to make white electronics before.

With all that said, I want an iPod for Christmas. Buy me one please.


Monday, October 10, 2005

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed

I have finally finished reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series.

Usually, finishing a novel wouldn't be a big deal. Nothing to blog about. However, this series of books has played a big role in my life. I read the first book, The Gunslinger, when I was in grade 8...I think that was 1991. My 11 year old mind probably barely understood it, but I remember it had an effect on me. The surreal world that King had started to create lodged itself in my mind and wouldn't leave. It still hasn't.

The first 3 books in the series were the first books I ever read more than once, when I reread all of them before reading the fourth book. When the revised edition of The Gunslinger was released, I rereread all of them again for the 3rd time. In between, I read all of the books which relate to the Dark Tower series, which is just about every other Stephen King book ever published. I have spent more time in this fictional world (or series of worlds, more accurately) than any other.

The seventh and final book took me many months to read. It's not that it was a bad book, or that I wasn't motivated to continue reading. I think I just wanted to prolong the experience, knowing that after I finished that book, the story was over. No more Dark Tower.

Now that it is over, I am conflicted over how to feel about it. King himself says that it's really about the journey, not the ending. Without giving anything away, the ending of The Dark Tower seems to embody this philosophy somewhat. It doesn't tie everything together or do a big reveal. What it does do is manage to feel like it makes sense, even if it doesn't when you think about it rationally. Not entirely.

In that sense, it is satisfying on an emotional level. And overall, the 14 years I have spent reading these books (off and on) have been very satisfying. Goodbye, Dark Tower series. It's been fun.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Smart? (Part Three)

smart car

(Part One is Here)
(Part Two is Here)

So, our car has finally arrived. We went to pick it up on Friday after waiting like four months for it. That's because we custom ordered it exactly like we wanted it...the right colours and sound system and everything. We were temporarily retarded when we ordered, so it's the top of the line smart that looks all fancy. Soon we will be broke and eating stale dirt for dinner.

However, it is a beautiful little car. I will post some pictures here when I have some.

After bringing it home, I realized that I now had the freedom to go wherever I want. I'm no longer at the mercy of bus routes and going to places that both me and V want to go. I can get up at any time and drive wherever the hell I want.

So where was the first place I went? Taco Bell. V hates Taco Bell, so I haven't been there in years and years.

I arrived and picked up the new Crunch Wrap supreme. As I got my funky new smart keychain out of my pocket and prepared to leave, there was an explosion at the front of the store! It was friggin Bigfoot again! Only this time he had brought along his army of undead kangaroos with him. Experts in explosives, the kangaroos hopped through the new hole in Taco Bell's wall, throwing joeys full of napalm at me.

I dodged with expert skill and grabbed some hot sauce packets. I began squirting them, aiming for the eyes. A few went down, clawing at their burning sockets, but more hopped in to take their place. Taco Bell employees were burning alive, but to my surprise, the surviving employees were putting their fallen comrades into meat grinders and making tacos. I knew it!

I reasoned that the only way to get out of this alive would be to take out their leader: Bigfoot himself. I crawled under the counter and picked up a bucket of concentrated Pepsi. While tasty in small doses, I knew that it was horribly toxic when consumed in its raw form. Using my ninja powers to turn invisible, I snuck up behind Bigfoot and poured an entire tub of raw Pepsi into his mouth.

Bigfoot's eyes bulged out of his head. His mouth began to foam. I took advantage of the momentary distraction and made a run for the border. With his last breath, Bigfoot said: "I'll get you next time! You and that environmentally friendly fuel efficient car!", because there are three things which are certain in life: death, taxes, and the fact that Bigfoot hates nature.

I sped home, using hardly any fuel, and finally got a chance to relax. I ate my Crunch Wrap supreme, knowing that I deserved a reward for a job well done. Bigfoot's plan to destroy all of nature had failed...I had finally killed Bigfoot.

OR HAD I?!?!?!!!!1?!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Katrina Blows, Part 2

Getting back to the hurricane, today is supposed to be . To donate money to help with the disaster, you can go to the Red Cross (Canada) web site.

I also recommend taking a look at the blog I linked to yesterday. It's fascinating and scary...reading like a post-apocalyptic work of fiction, except real. There is information here that cannot be expressed through the news.

This demonstrates a real change that is happening in the world: blogging (and the internet in general) allows information to travel way quicker and often more accurately than traditional media like radio and television. Fifteen years ago it would have seemed crazy to be able to get a first-hand account of a disaster happening halfway around the world, in real-time as it happens, with photos and live video and everything.

Speaking of photos, the one above is both funny and demonstrative of the chaos happening in New Orleans. Wow.


Thursday, September 01, 2005

Katrina Blows

Wow. Looks like hurricane Katrina has finally affected me directly. You can't reach this web site through www.phronk.com any more, because apparently the computers that directed people here were blown away by the hurricane. I noticed that my web site wasn't working, so I went to my internet provider thing and they linked to this web site, where there is a first-hand account of the chaos going on there, from the people who direct people to phronk.com. It's scary seeing a real personal account like this. The authorities apparently have no control over New Orleans...there are fires and shootings going on...and the guy who's writing this just recently found out his parents are alive. Tomorrow is supposed to be the official "Help Katrina Victims With Your Blog Day" (it has a real name but I forget it), so I'll post links for help and stuff tomorrow. Not that anyone will see it until phronk.com surfaces from the flood, but hopefully that will be soon enough to do some good.

In other scary Katrina news, Fats Domino is missing in New Orleans. This seems to just keep getting worse.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Londont

After that last post of mine, I decided to look around for blogs from London Ontario, to see if I actually was the first person on the internet to break the horrible news of whatever happened down the street.

Yes, I'm a dork.

But anyway, I didn't find any news about that, but I did find some charming little blogs from London. It's kinda cool to see local stuff being blogged. Like this one here from a person who apparently works at city hall. Cool...inside information. Then there's Overheard at Western, where someone posts fun things which were overheard at various locations in London. Having overheard many wonderful things myself, I think it's a great idea to post them for the world to see. I aspire to be overheard myself and put on that blog someday.

So I'm thinking I should start posting more about the city I live in. It would make this blog seem more relevant, at least to local folk, and maybe people would actually read it. Here is my local comment for today: apparently Wonderland Gardens burned to the ground on Monday. Now everyone is saying they have such great memories about it.

Here are my memories about the place: I remember driving by the big "Wonderland" sign when I was young, and being very confused because I thought Wonderland was in Toronto. When I asked my parents, they said something about Guy Lombardo. I guess he played there or something. I still don't really know who he is.

My memories become more fuzzy as time goes on (my brain is slowly breaking as I get older). I remember driving there for a graduation dance thing ("prom")...but I know it wasn't my own. I know that at one point in my life I did attend someone else's graduation, but it may or may not have been the same time I pulled up outside Wonderland Gardens. That might have been some other place and time. So I may or may not have been there before it got all toasty.

So uhh...yeah...great place. Such memories. Shame it burned down. I guess.


Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Where the Hell is Batman?

Driving home from seeing Batman Begins today (good movie, by the way), I saw about 6 or 7 police cars at some townhouses just down the street, on Western road. More police were walking around with flashlights across the street. Things like this don't happen often in London Ontario, so it must be something big. I have also heard that there may or may not have been a sheet on the ground resembling a body. I'm thinking murder. There was already a big car chase with guns 'n stuff earlier this month. Is London turning into one of those big crime-ridden cities? That would suck lots. London has always been cool because it has all the good stuff from a big city - lots of stuff to do, nice restaurants, etc - but without the crappy stuff of a big city, like being shot all the time. I hope it doesn't lose that balance.

I don't really know why I'm posting about this. Probably because I just wanted to be the first person on the entire internet to comment on something that will probably be big news tomorrow when everyone wakes up.

P.S. Katrina is a bitch.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Other Blog Updated

I have posted a new blog entry on my other blog. Click here to see it. Edit: Links removed; I'm semi-anonymous now.

I've decided to update that other blog from time to time with boring real life stuff...like stuff about school and work and life. I'll reserve this blog for made up bigfoot stories and stuff about monkey schlongs. But I'll link to the other blog whenever I update there, so that this blog can be the complete story of my life, and the other one can be the edited clean version.

Speaking of which, don't you hate it when you order a CD from a music club or the internet, and it ends up being the clean version, with no swearing? That fucking sucks ass.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Don't Vote Pedro

I love it when something is so cool that it becomes popular, but then it's too popular so it's not cool any more, but it is now cool to make fun of it.

Here is an example.

If you don't get it, see Napoleon Dynamite.

nakedshirt
P.S. Here is another awesome shirt. I want it for Christmas

P.S.S. I used to have a shirt that said "I am Brad Pitt." It was my favourite shirt, and I cried the day it disintegrated in the wash.



Sunday, August 14, 2005

Finding Phronkester

Some recent search terms used to find this web site:

"Weirdest shit on the internet"

"World's weirdest boobies"

"Weird penises"

"Shaved crotch itches"

"Doohan crotch"

"Drukn harcore"

...Yeah. So the kind of people reading this are poor spellers who look for weird body parts, such as Scotty's crotch, and the itchiness associated with said parts. Maybe I should stop talking about such candid topics...I'm attracting the wrong crowd.

Site Update

The Quotes Section of the site has been updated with a few new quotes. Click the link above, or scroll down the sidebar to the right to get to the quotes section and all the other fun content here. Do it.

Oh, and I know that some people out there are reading this web page. You knew about the smart car, and that was supposed to be a secret. So you should leave comments and sign the guestbook! It makes me feel important. Do it.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Ligers and Bears, Oh My

There haven't been many pictures here lately, so here is a picture of some men hugging a giant liger.

That's right, liger. It's pretty much my favourite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed...bred for its skills in magic.


The Neighbours (Part 1)

As some of you know, V and I recently moved to a new place. It's a little townhouse near the university, which is quite nice. However, one thing which is both amusing and annoying, is that our neighbours are completely fucked up. We can see the row of townhouses and a parking lot across from us by looking out the front window, and since that's where the neighbours' kids (of which there are about 200) tend to play, we have a good view of them a lot of the time.

There are lots of fun stories to tell you about them, so I'll split this into a few parts, and keep you updated on their exploits.

One thing they have been doing lately is playing with the family car. A few days ago we looked out our window to find 5 or 6 kids crawling all over the car. With shoes and everything, they were stomping on the roof of the car and climbing up and down the windshield. A few other kids apparently felt left out, so they started swarming the van next door.

This isn't really new. I frequently hear horns honking outside, because the kids think it's HILARIOUS to go into a car and honk the horn. Apparently the parents agree, because they leave the doors unlocked and don't do anything about it. Another fun game the kids play is "tossing a baseball bat around in the parking lot", and metallic clunking sounds are not uncommon, as they play it right beside the family car. This car also recently acquired a big scratch along its side to match the footprints and baseball bat marks. Apparently the parents are as shitty at driving as they are at parenting.

Just today was another demonstration. V looked out the front window and thought one of the kids was shitting in the parking lot. Upon closer examination though, he was actually just squatting under the car, right behind the rear wheel. Not really a good place to hang out.

But hey, I don't have kids, so I won't tell anybody else how to raise their kids. Maybe being squished like a grape by multi-tonne chunks of metal is good for them.

To be continued...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Spamazing

I've gotten some weird spam lately. Here is an example:

Hi
We just interest will u read spam if

it will contain something like this :

1)First one

Lazy Sock Puppets
spacer

Why don't sock puppets ever get anything done?

They always have a thumb up their a$$!


2)Second

Men and Women
spacer
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts; I can get where
I want to -- north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections; I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt; my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.

P.S. mail to spamrecrut@yahoo.com

1) We do not unsubscribe anymore becouse abusses go to unsubscribe url.
2) If we unsubscribe u others spamers are not.
3) If u abuse this e-mail we will never make spam more usefull.


This spam isn't even advertising anything...it's just telling me that it is spam, then some sort of "jokes", and an email address. I guess they want me to e-mail the address with something like "OMG...WTF?", and then verify that my address is real and they can start selling it to real spammers. Weird way of going about it though.

Here is another one:


Subject: Learn to build simple and clean websites that can bring in the dough

Enabling the digital future.

You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.


The body has nothing to do with the subject. Because the body makes no sense. Particularly weird is the bizarre definition of a phonograph. What does this spammer have against phonographs? And why is he sharing it with me?

Weird.

But both of these got through my spam filter, so I guess they're doing something "right".

Some good can come of spam. I can post it here for the amusement of others. Or I could go through the spam subject lines and make little poorly drawn comics based on each one. Unfortunately, somebody has already done that at Spamusement.com. Check it out.


Friday, July 22, 2005

GTM: Part Three

(In reference to THIS and THIS.)

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is now rated "Adults Only", for the reasons I mentioned earlier. I will repeat that I don't see how anybody in their right mind can make sense of this. I guess it's just a case of blindly following outdated rules: "violence = mature, sex = adults only".

Additionally, there are things in the game that mix sex and violence. You can get a hooker into your car, boink her, then run her over (or shoot her, or beat her to death with your bare hands), and get your money back. But because you don't see her boobies (you just see the car shake from the outside), that's just fine for kids. The moment you see a nipple during consensual sex between adults, though? That will corrupt kids for life.

HERE is a nice link to a commentary on this issue, wrapped within a story. Funny stuff. Read it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

[Insert Witty Title About Being Beamed Up]

Scotty is dead. I've never been very into Star Trek, but it always sucks when an important figure in pop culture dies.

James Doohan was actually a pretty cool guy, outside of being Scotty. First of all, he's Canadian, which is neat. He was also part of the Canadian army, and he was there on D-Day. Apparently he managed to tip-toe over some mines (they were meant for tanks, so they didn't go off), but then got shot six times. One of his fingers even got machine-gunned off, but he lived. Getting shot six times and living is pretty awesome...unless you're a "gansta" and got yourself shot over something stupid. Then you're just stupid. But Scotty ain't no gansta, so he gets my full props.

[Insert vaguely Scottish farewell]


Saturday, July 16, 2005

Drunkennesssess

From the perspective of someone who is totally fucking drunk...my new years resolution....even tgough it's not new years....although it's kinda half-new-years....is to....get....totally fucking drukn....more....often.

Friday, July 15, 2005

More on GTM

This link has an update with more information about my last post, the one about "explicit" content in Grand Theft Auto. It's becoming a big deal, with Hillary Clinton involved 'n everything. Looks like it really was in the original source code of the game...but, uh, so what? I've seen more explicit sex scenes in sitcoms.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Grand Theft Morality

So here is something really dumb. There is this video game, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, where you're a criminal and you do criminally things. Recently, a program was released on the internet which allows you to modify the game so that you can have sex in it. This may or may not have been hidden in the code of the game to begin with, but it was not intended to be in the game (read more about it here).

Here is the dumb part. The people who rate games are launching an investigation into whether the sex was secretly embedded in the game or not. If it was, the game may get an "adults only" rating, which basically equates it with porn and would make most stores unable to sell it.

What the hell? This is a game where you steal cars, run over hundreds of people for fun, break into houses and steal stuff, shoot cops, shoot hookers, etc etc. All things that are clearly wrong. Yet a bit of sex - sex with clothes on (see the picture above) - can push the game to the "adults only" category? That makes no sense. This is clearly sending the message that images of brutal and pointless murder are fine for kids, but a little pixelated implied sex should only be seen by adults. In the real, sane world, murder is bad, and sex is good. Something is backwards here. It's ridiculous.

This is just part of a problem that affects all forms of entertainment, and I think it's terrible. We come within centimeters of penises and vaginas every day when we interact with people, blocked by a thin layer of cloth. Sex rarely hurts anybody, and usually brings joy to everyone who has it, which is everybody. However, most people will never come in direct contact with guns and murder, and those who do will have their lives destroyed by it. Violence should be the reason for an adults only rating...not sex.

I'm not saying that violent games and movies should all be for adults only. I'm just saying that games with sex should be at the same level or lower on the rating scale than games with violence. Both should be controlled so that adult involvement is needed for kids to view them. Completely shielding kids from these things can only make it worse, but if parents get involved and talk about it with their kids, it can be an educational experience that prepares kids for the real world. And above all, lets them have fun without fucking them up.

P.S.What I predicted earlier about sex in video games may now be a step closer to coming true.


Sunday, July 10, 2005

Burning Terror

Terrorists are such fucking assholes. That's all I have to say about the London bombings...and if I said anything else, I'd probably offend someone.

But moving to something related, I read an article recently about how the U.S. military has been exploring "directed-energy" weapons (click here to read it). Basically, that means phasers, lasers, and things like that. Pretty cool stuff, but what I think is most interesting is that weapons like this can serve their purpose without killing people. Now soldiers can humanely deal with the enemy by shooting a beam that makes targets "feel as if their skin is on fire." Hmmmm.

Seriously, though, it's a step in the right direction. Currently, when a terrorist attack kills a few thousand innocent people, the U.S. retaliates by killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people. In Iraq. Which had nothing to do with the terrorist attack. If these new weapons come into being, at least their misdirected rage will only cause lifelong nightmares of burning skin rather than lifelong death.

Uh...

I'm done.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Zombies

I saw Resident Evil: Apocalypse yesterday. I found it extremely boring at first, mostly because there was really no plot at all in the first half of the movie. It consisted of about 10 random characters wandering around a city populated by zombies. Eventually they meet up and the plot begins, and the movie is slightly better after that. Still, though, it's a pretty shitty movie overall. I am a big fan of zombie movies, but I would not even call this a zombie movie. It's more of a cheesy post-Matrix style action movie which happens to have a few dumb looking zombies in it.


You wanna see real zombies? Go here: Zombie Dogs. These people have killed dogs then brought them back to life. There's even a scary picture of dog, though it is probably not a zombie dog. They want to try it on humans within a year. Seriously.

Oh, and I will never forgive myself if I don't seeing Land of the Dead in theatres, so someone better make me go see it soon. Either friends or the girlfriend. I'll even see a chick flick with the latter if she goes with me. Seriously.

Seriously.