Saturday, December 17, 2005

Smart? (Part 5: The Case of the Harmful Halitosis)

(Read Part One first)
(Then Part Two)
(Part Three)
(And Part Four)

Today, I went out to drop off some movies (Fantastic Four and Mr & Mrs Smith...both OK but not great movies). On the way home, I noticed a wonderous sight at the corner of Oxford and Wonderland. There was a castle there which had not been there the day before. I pondered this for a moment, then came to a startling realization: Dracula had moved into the neighbourhood. It's the way vampires work, you see...they move from place to place, using their magic vampire bricklaying powers to instantly make comfortable castles to live in. If you drive by that intersection, you probably won't see it though. Only those who have been trained in the way of the ninja can actually see these castles.

I activated the smart car's stealth capabilities and pulled into the driveway, hoping to find some clues as to Dracula and Bigfoot's plans. I sifted through the garbage can and found some documents referring to an evil plot to put rotten meat in all new smart cars, making them reek of decay instead of new-car-smell. What bastards! They needed to be stopped...but how? As I was about to leave, the door to the castle opened. Bigfoot came out, wearing a bath robe and slippers. God damn, he was alive after all. As he bent down to get the mail from the doorstep, a hand shot out of the doorway and pinched Bigfoot's ass. Dracula stepped out, giggling, and the two monsters locked lips in a furry embrace. I had a feeling they were more than friends. I drove off, instantly aware of what needed to be done.

I prepared a lovely gift basket full of garlic. I put a pretty bow on it, and addressed it to Bigfoot. Love, Dracula.

I disguised myself as a delivery man, then returned to the castle and rang the doorbell. Luckily, it was Bigfoot who answered. As we all know, Bigfoot loves garlic, and as soon as he saw the basket and read the card on it, he ate the whole thing in one mighty bite. I watched as he turned around, a big smile on his face, and called for Dracula.
The vampire ran into the room. He smelled the garlic and recoiled, but Bigfoot was overcome with gratitude. Bigfoot ran to Dracula and picked him up in one massive hand, then kissed him on the forehead, kissed him on the ears, kissed him on the nose, and finally, kissed him on the mouth. By the time he realized what he had done, it was too late. Dracula's face was melting off, burned by the garlic in Bigfoot's slobber. Bigfoot's cry of anguish sent a cloud of garlic-infused breath across Dracula, finishing him off. I fled the castle as Dracula was reduced to a pile of dust, not wanting to be there when Bigfoot's rage was unleashed.

One down, one to go.

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