Saturday, December 24, 2005

Santa: Scarier Than Clowns

Here is a beautiful gallery of kids being scared by Santa. I think I'd be crying too if I was on some of those Santas' laps...some are way too skinny to be Santa, and some just look like serial killers. But my favourite one is below, where Santa is just as scared of the kids as they are of him. Heheh.

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Friday, December 23, 2005

Pacifism

I've decided that instead of killing Tom Hanks, I'll just post a really bad picture of him. Take that, Hanks.


Thursday, December 22, 2005

Smart? (Part 6: The Finale)

(Part 1)
(Part 2)
(Part 3)
(Part 4)
(Part 5)


Artist's rendition of our smart car, if it were
covered in snow, and I were a woman.
Lately, the #1 question asked about our smart car is "how does it handle in the snow?" The answer is "the same as any other car, dumbass." I really found out how good it handled earlier today, when I got into a bit of a slippery situation. Let me tell you about it.

After my last encounter with Bigfoot, I studied the documents recovered from his trash. I deduced that his plan was to strike the Mercedes factory at midnight on the night of the winter solstice, hiding raw meat in every car coming off the line. Although Dracula was out of the picture, I had no doubt that Bigfoot would attempt to carry out the plan in his memory. So I activated the smart car's jet capabilities and flew to Europe, determined to stop the plan from ever reaching fruition.

I came upon the factory in the dead of night. It was cold and blizzardy out, and I could feel my snot freeze as I got out of the car and watched the factory through some binoculars. All seemed normal, until a set of headlights suddenly shone right behind me! I pulled out my bow and arrow, ready to fire, but it was not Bigfoot who got out of the car. In the darkness, I first thought it was William Shatner who stood before me. However, as he drew closer, I saw that it was only Tom Hanks.

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"Tom!" I said, "what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to promote my new movie, The Da Vinci Code, which features an exciting smart car chase in it. I heard about Sasquatch's plan, and I thought that stopping it would be good publicity."

"Interesting, Tom," said I, "but I see no reporters. How will the public know about this act of heroism?"

"I knew that you would be writing about this on your world-famous blog," said Tom flatteringly.

Before I could ask any more questions, there was a commotion at the factory. I looked through my binoculars just in time to see a flash of fur dart into the main doors. Two dead guards lay on the snowy ground. I immediately turned around to chase Bigfoot, but Tom stopped me. "Do you really think that's 'Smart'? Going after the mighty Sasquatch with only a bow and arrow?" he said. I knew he was right, and almost began to weep with despair. But then Tom placed an object in my hand. "This is no ordinary gun," he explained, "this gun shoots TIME BULLETS. They will transport anything they hit to another time!"

I smiled, and gave Tom a nod of thanks. I charged into the factory, a bow in one hand and the time gun in the other. I followed a trail of dead bodies to Bigfoot, who was standing at the end of the assembly line with a bag of raw meat. I became even more angry when I noticed that it was kitten meat. Bastard! I fired the bow using my teeth, but it was no surprise that the arrow bounced right off of Bigfoot's tough hide.

He looked at me, fire in his eyes. "You are the individual who has injured me grievously, and murdered my beloved husband" he roared with fury. "Have at you!"

The monster threw several half-completed smart cars at me, but I managed to shoot them out of the air with my bow. Bigfoot roared again, and charged straight at me. I took steady aim with the time gun, then fired. Unfortunately, the time bullet only struck his left leg. The leg was transported back in time with a flash of light.

I later read a history book describing the story of a poor family in 1920's Europe who prayed to God for food, any food. A large hairy leg then appeared on their kitchen table. The family ate it, but described it as "stringy", and later became atheists.

sasquatch
Anyway, before I could reload and fire again, Bigfoot managed to get into one of the cars coming off of the line. He wouldn't have fit into it, had his left leg not been missing. Damn! He drove off at top speed as I got into another smart, giving chase.

As I drove away, I saw Tom Hanks outside. Bigfoot's army of undead kangaroos had arrived, and Tom was fighting them off with a box of grenades. "Life is like a box of chocolates" he said, "you never know what the hell you're gonna get!" Tom then pulled a handful of grenades out of the box and tossed them at the kangaroos, laughing maniacally the whole time.

Knowing Tom could take care of himself, I drove past. I chased Bigfoot for what seemed like hours, maneuvering down the twisting and narrow European roads. The car handled surprisingly well in the snow, though I slipped around a little bit. I think I'll get snow tires for my own car. Finally, Bigfoot took a turn a bit too fast and crashed into a lightpost. The car exploded on impact, since lightposts in Europe use volatile gases as power. Bigfoot got out of the car, his fur on fire.

The monster has survived my attacks before, so I knew that I really had to finish him off this time. I stepped on the gas and aimed the car toward him. I made sure the time gun was on the seat beside me, then activated the smart car's self destruct feature. The car struck Bigfoot, catching him on the roof, and I jumped out of the car door, rolling in the snow. The car traveled a few more feet, then exploded. The fire caused all the time bullets in the gun to go off at once, opening a portal through time in the middle of the road.

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Through the portal, all I could see was bright red light. I immediately knew that it was a portal to the distant future, when the sun had swallowed the earth and life as we know it no longer existed. The shell of the car careened into the portal, right into the center of the sun, and I briefly saw the outline of Bigfoot's skeleton before he was completely incinerated.

My mission was complete. I had finally destroyed Bigfoot, the symbol of everything that is wrong with the world. I had a party that night and invited Tom Hanks, but he didn't come. I might have to kill him next.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed reading about my experiences so far with the smart car. This story has been 100% true. Bye now.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Clerk Jump Kicks Thief

Check out this story about a clerk with six black belts who karate kicked a would-be robber right out of his store (literally). Then he whipped out his cell phone and took a picture of the guy's license plate. Be sure to watch the video. My favourite quotes: "I didn't want to hurt him, but he made me", and "I have enough experience to handle you, and I have to use it."

It's nice to see that action heroes exist in real life, one-liners and all.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Smart? (Part 5: The Case of the Harmful Halitosis)

(Read Part One first)
(Then Part Two)
(Part Three)
(And Part Four)

Today, I went out to drop off some movies (Fantastic Four and Mr & Mrs Smith...both OK but not great movies). On the way home, I noticed a wonderous sight at the corner of Oxford and Wonderland. There was a castle there which had not been there the day before. I pondered this for a moment, then came to a startling realization: Dracula had moved into the neighbourhood. It's the way vampires work, you see...they move from place to place, using their magic vampire bricklaying powers to instantly make comfortable castles to live in. If you drive by that intersection, you probably won't see it though. Only those who have been trained in the way of the ninja can actually see these castles.

I activated the smart car's stealth capabilities and pulled into the driveway, hoping to find some clues as to Dracula and Bigfoot's plans. I sifted through the garbage can and found some documents referring to an evil plot to put rotten meat in all new smart cars, making them reek of decay instead of new-car-smell. What bastards! They needed to be stopped...but how? As I was about to leave, the door to the castle opened. Bigfoot came out, wearing a bath robe and slippers. God damn, he was alive after all. As he bent down to get the mail from the doorstep, a hand shot out of the doorway and pinched Bigfoot's ass. Dracula stepped out, giggling, and the two monsters locked lips in a furry embrace. I had a feeling they were more than friends. I drove off, instantly aware of what needed to be done.

I prepared a lovely gift basket full of garlic. I put a pretty bow on it, and addressed it to Bigfoot. Love, Dracula.

I disguised myself as a delivery man, then returned to the castle and rang the doorbell. Luckily, it was Bigfoot who answered. As we all know, Bigfoot loves garlic, and as soon as he saw the basket and read the card on it, he ate the whole thing in one mighty bite. I watched as he turned around, a big smile on his face, and called for Dracula.
The vampire ran into the room. He smelled the garlic and recoiled, but Bigfoot was overcome with gratitude. Bigfoot ran to Dracula and picked him up in one massive hand, then kissed him on the forehead, kissed him on the ears, kissed him on the nose, and finally, kissed him on the mouth. By the time he realized what he had done, it was too late. Dracula's face was melting off, burned by the garlic in Bigfoot's slobber. Bigfoot's cry of anguish sent a cloud of garlic-infused breath across Dracula, finishing him off. I fled the castle as Dracula was reduced to a pile of dust, not wanting to be there when Bigfoot's rage was unleashed.

One down, one to go.

Friday, December 16, 2005

More Saugeen Stripper Crap

For those who didn't get the "joke" in my last post, it refers to the scene pictured to the right.

Let me go back to the Saugeen strippers thing (Please note that part of the reason I'm posting about it yet again is because hundreds of people have found this site by searching for info about the strippers, and not unlike the strippers themselves, I am a whore for hits to my web site. They fuel my ego, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.)

I have noticed a trend in stories involving sex at Western. They always get blown way out of proportion, and then myths spring up which sensationalize them even more. For example, for as long as I can remember, there has been a rumour that David Letterman's top ten list once involved the top places to get laid, and Western (or Saugeen) came first (or maybe second). If you've ever seen Letterman's top ten lists, they are usually one joke with ten punchlines. "UWO" isn't really a funny thing to say, especially for an American audience that's never heard of it. It just doesn't have the comedic appeal of "meat" being one of the "top ten words that almost rhyme with hat." The Gazette agrees that this rumour is probably false.

Then there's the recent controversy of a porn being filmed at a keg party near Western. This one's true, as there's evidence right there on tape in your local porn shop. But then, as I was reading all the hot London blogs (and other popular blogs which have picked up the story for some reason), I came across a comment on Gardner's blog...which describes a rumour that one of the dudes in the porn got AIDS from one of the porn stars. I have no idea if that's true, but it stinks of a myth to me. Professional porn stars, of all people, would probably be careful about that sort of thing. At least, that's what I gather from watching Family Business.

Soon, this story about the strippers will probably involve two goats and a giant jar of peanut butter. And they'll have been kicked out of university, only to be paid three millions dollars to molest Johnny Carson's corpse on national television. Or something.

P.S. Some people have made a good point...is this more degrading to the women, or to the dorky looking guys sitting there with a boner while a naked woman has complete control over them? It all seems like good clean fun to me, but if it is degrading, it is equally so for both sexes.

P.P.S. It's fun to see that some people can be complete pricks about the whole issue. This article is nicely judgemental, with a hint of comparing this to actual serious issues, and a pinch of broad generalizations about the entire city of London. Sheesh. Some people need to get laid and/or play with themselves more often.

P.P.P.S. (I don't wanna make a whole new post for this): I didn't realize how huge this is! One of the most popular blogs in the world, Tony Pierce's "Busblog", has posted about this several times, including an interview with someone who went to Saugeen a few years ago. Not exactly insider info, but a fun read. And most surprising of all is that "Saugeen" reached number 3 (maybe higher) on Technorati. Technorati is a directory of all blogs...the place to go to find out what's popular on the internet at the moment. The lovely stripper has been beating out the likes of King Kong and George Bush as the most talked about thing in the ENTIRE WORLD. Why does one naked girl (well, two actually) make such big news? I have no idea, but it makes me damn proud to go to UWO.

There are even Saugeen T-shirts for sale! Hahaha...funny stuff.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Susan's Sensational Saugeen Strippers Scandal

Now the London Free Press has gotten their hands on the Saugeen Stripper story. After the Toronto Star, strangely.

Even more surprising is the fact that UWO's own Gazette newspaper hasn't said anything about it yet. If I was paranoid, I'd think there's some conspiracy going on...a coverup. Or maybe they just realized that a few people walking around naked really isn't a big deal.

The funniest part about this whole thing is that the person at UWO who seems to be speaking for the university is Susan Grindrod. That's right, GRIND ROD. They probably sent her to the media on purpose. "Well, we could send our media relations expert...but the VP of housing is named Grindrod. Let's send her and see if anyone notices the connection. Teehee."

Oh, and everyone seems to be talking as if there was just one stripper. In the pictures, I see four boobies...and unless life has become the utopian future prophesied in Total Recall, that means two people. Personally, I think the other one is much hotter. It's probably better that she gets less attention though. It won't ruin her life quite as much. Nothing ruins your day more than a destroyed life. (?)

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Strippers in The Zoo

Saugeen Maitland Hall at UWO is known as the trashiest place on campus. It lived up to its reputation recently, when a handful of girls decided to do a striptease for a dude's birthday, and capture it all on camera. Of course, the pictures got on the internet and were forwarded to pretty much every student at UWO and beyond. Rumours swirled that the girls would be kicked out of the residence and/or university.

Now I see that The Toronto Star has posted an article about it. Apparently what people do for fun in their own home is big news now. Luckily, it looks like nobody will be punished for the strippification. Why the hell should they be? The residence is their (temporary) home, and it's not illegal to do a striptease in your home. I strip all the time. I even shower naked.

I'm glad the people with power seem to feel the same way as me. Although it disturbs me to see that UWO may have rules about distributing pornography. Huh? That's not illegal...and has nothing to do with academics...so why should the university have anything at all to do with it?

Oh, and you probably want to see the stripper pictures which were passed around. Here you go, pervert. Please Mr Big Brother University Administration, don't kick me out of grad school for posting a link to evil nudity. I know all the consenting adults who read this may be corrupted for life, but all I know how to do is write exams and papers. If you kicked me out into the real world, I'd be forced to find a real job and live above the poverty line. It would be horrible. HORRIBLE.


Thursday, December 01, 2005

My First Politics Post

I don't really care much about politics. I guess I should, but Canada seems to be doing just fine without my involvement, so I'll just live in blissful ignorance. I couldn't ignore this story though...looks like we're having an early election because the goverment got caught doing something naughty. This picture (which I stole from "Gardner") sums it up nicely...Martin is all sad because his government sucks, and Harper is smirking like a kid who just got a gold star. Good for you, Stephen Harper, with your creepy evil eyes and crazy beliefs. Have fun losing...again.

What I find funny about media reports of this story is the emphasis on the fact that the election will happen in the winter. Does that really matter? Are Canadians so lazy that they don't ever leave their houses when it's cold outside? Don't the majority of us go to work or school every day of our lives? If people want to vote, I don't think it will be a deterrant to walk for 10 seconds in the cold to get to their car and drive five minutes to the polling station. Sheesh.

Anyway, I haven't blogged in a while because I've been playing my brand new Xbox 360. Everything you've heard about it is true: it crashes every 2 minutes (just like Windows), and gets so hot that it will burn through any surface you put it on and destroy your entire house. I've burned down three buildings just so I could play Hexic HD for a few more minutes. Oh, and you can't buy these: only people who took part in a secret ritual several years ago have the opportunity to buy one, and they must be paid for IN BLOOD.

I am lying. I will post something about what I actually think of the new Xbox later. Bye.