Saturday, January 28, 2006

Scientology Sucks Ass

I just saw the episode of South Park which makes fun of Scientology and Tom Cruise. Funny stuff. You can see the full episode here. Apparently it's not piracy because the creators don't care when people download South Park off the internet. Whatever.

In the episode, Stan takes a "free personality test" and learns that he's depressed. He then gets involved in the "Church" of Scientology, where he learns about their beliefs that an evil alien ruler put brainwashed alien souls in every human, which cause all of our problems. Text on the screen said "Scientologists actually believe this".

This inspired me to learn more about Scientology, so I searched the internet for it. I came upon their official site...what better place to go for information than that? Then I saw that I could actually take the free personality test online. Sweet! I started filling it out, but realized that it was hundreds of questions long. So I just put "neither agree nor disagree" for every single question instead. I also noticed that many of the questions in the show are actually on the test. Heheh. My results? I'm way below normal in all but two aspects my personality. Wow...so....without even providing any actual information on any items of the questionnaire, the baseline is to be completely inadequate. I guess that means that any average person is completely screwed up and needs Scientology to cure them.

Oh, and of course, the test doesn't tell you any detail about your personality results...just that you're screwed up. To get more detail, you gotta go to your local church of Scientology (easy to find, since they get your personal information right off the bat to refer you to the nearest church). I also looked for a reference to a published article describing how this test was validated, you know, scientifically, but I guess they forgot to include that. Further research on Scientology found a lot more hilarious and cheesey science fiction (apparently humans evolved from clams), but strangely, nothing at all related to science.

Other funny things about the South Park epsiode are that Tom Cruise didn't like it, and managed to keep it from airing in the UK. What a crazy, glib asshole. Also, Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef, didn't appear in the episode because he's a Scientologist.

In conclusion, Scientology appears to be an insane cult based on the hilarious work of a science fiction author (summary of one of his books: "the epic tale of Jonnie Goodboy Tyler’s struggle to free mankind from alien Psychlos and so restore world peace" ... Jonnie Goodboy?!). It has nothing to do with science, and is probably even crazier than other religions.

P.S. I've come up with a great idea for a web site. It'll be kinda like Smash My iPod, where I take donations. Except instead of collecting $400 to smash an iPod, I'll collect $400 000 to join the church of Scientology and ascend to their highest ranks. Apparently that is how much it costs to save your soul from the evil alien Lord Xenu. When I get to the top, I'll smash all their fake technology, say "ha, I never believed any of this", then run away and write a book publishing all of their "secrets". I'll do all this with a fake name, and switch faces with someone else (like Scientologist John Travolta did in Face/Off), so they can't track me down and sue me. I'm taking donations now. It will only take 400 people donating $1000 each to pull this off, so send a thousand or two bucks today and we'll get there in no time!

P.P.S. Is believing that our souls came from an enslaved alien race any crazier than believing that they came from a magic dude in the sky and his bearded son? Discuss.

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15 comments:

Harry J. Sachz said...

i love that last line... anyhow, i came to the conclusion that Mr. Hubbard is 007's Goldfinger - which makes complete sense if you think about it...

L. Ron Hubbard

Auric Goldfinger

Captain Bee said...

Dude, we were smashed as fuck when we saw that episode Friday evening before we went out, it was fucking hilarious.

"R.Kelly's in the closet too!"

Phronk said...

Sachz: Holy shit, you're right! I knew that only a supervillian could be behind scientology.

Bee: Heheh...yeah, watching South Park while drinking is one of life's greatest pleasures.

Anonymous said...

Scientology is gay.

However, Christianity is not.

Phronk said...

Please explain. What is more homosexual about Scientology than Christianity? I mean, other than the obvious (Tom Cruise).

Anonymous said...

The polotics of illusion . Your statement " some magic dude in the sky " reflects the dependency you tread under . You think anything you know really exists ?

Phronk said...

Whoa, that's some deep stuff. You must be one of those really smart people who understood The Matrix.

But seriously...what the hell are you talking about?

P.S. "Politics"

orly said...

Today's mainstream Christianity is a control Religion, Just like the rest of them.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you! Scientology sucks ass.

Anonymous said...

Comments are my only reasons for living.

Phronk said...

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Scientology is whack.
But you didn't have to go making jokes about Christianity you know!

Phronk said...

Why not? It's almost as whack.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sirs, you forget that any religion is legit and has a right to exist, even if it tottaly sucks ass.. and balls.. and rips people off, and causes war, and smells like a megalonanous CON.. I mean.. COME ON! Well in this matter i have to recomend: All about the mormons, the beautiful story of joseph smith and also, that episode of the Wii that Cartman freezes himself.

(sorry about my poor english)

Anonymous said...

All religions should be allowed to exist, it's a matter of freedom of speech and belief. But when a religion starts ripping you off, suing you for insulting it or making "controversial" comments about it, just for the plain sake of getting your money, now that's when things get ugly. Im not saying that Scientology is the only religion to pull this off, after all religions are human controlled organizations, and our people are the ones that use these words of faith and belief as excuses to gain control, money and much more. Still this article gave me a laugh or two, good luck on your project. I hope you can set those religious lawsuits straight. Since after all religion is about faith, and respect, not about proving others wrong and getting money from it....