Thursday, April 13, 2006

Count Chocula & Friends

When most people think of Count Chocula, they think of a sugary kid's cereal with loads of calories that will rot your teeth and make you fat. However, I've uncovered some startling new evidence that may...um, startle you.

Let's look at the Count's nutritional information. In one cup, we've got 120 calories, 1.5 g of fat, 1 g of fibre, and a long list of vitamins and minerals (only 8 are essential though, according to this box).

Let's look at the nutritional information for an "adult" cereal that most would think is pretty healthy: Banana Nut Crunch. In one cup, we have 250 calories, 6.5 g of fat, 4 g of fibre, and only 3 vitamins and minerals.

So which cereal is more scaaaary? The Banana Nut Crunch is the one that will kill you. Count Chocula, on the other hand, will practically "suck" the fat right out of you with its low-calorie, low-fat goodness. It also tastes a lot better. There's really no point in eating anything else, ever.

And look, it comes with this sweet-ass bike spinner! You'll be the most radical kid in the neighbourhood with that on your bike.

General Mills should pay me for this.

Oh and Count Chocula has more friends, too. Nobody even knows what the hell a Banana Nut is, but look at this photographic evidence of the Count out on the town with other hot celebrities:

monster_record


Boo Berry is even stoned. How cool is that?

And let's not forget Chocula's short-lived friend, Yummy Mummy. Her "monster mallows" will surely be missed.

yummy_mummy


Hmm. Were people oblivious to sexual innuendo in the 80's, or did they just not care?

Ok, time for breakfast! BYE!!!


19 comments:

Jason said...

I'm old. I'm on to oatmeal.

Phronk said...

Oatmeal = 200 calories and 2g of fat. Count Chocula triumphs once again.

Jason said...

Wow... very good. But I just had a corn beef sandwich and screwed up everything. That's ok, after watching too much gay porn on Tuesday night, I'm all set to skip the pub tonight and hit the gym instead. Then I'm just sure that those porn scenes will come true in my life.

Phronk said...

Right, and my midget porn scenes will come true as soon as I saw off my legs.

sarah said...

this was highly educational... although I missed the sexual innuendo, i must say. and i usually see the sex in every little thing. monster mallows? are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Jason said...

Then I missed it too.

Please tell me your porn does not involves midgets.

Phronk said...

She's a yummy mommy with big boobs. Monster mallows.

Am I stretching too far?

Yep, midgets, horses, clowns. The whole shebang.

George Larson said...

I LOVES ME SOME MIGITS PORNS!


Regarding the lack of recognition of innuendo during the 80's:

No not entirely. People were only oblivious to sexual innuendo from 1981 to 1988. The few remaining years people were still somewhat hazy. Therefore such innuendo may have been missed by few, some or many. It was really a die roll.

Morris said...

Fruity = gay?
Yummy Mummy = Sex with Mom?

What's the price difference between count chocula and a leading adult cereal? and what about sugga?

And what typically has more store brand knock offs? Kids cereal or adult cereal?

I noticed your profile, it says "I'm a guy who lives in a home". I originally thought you were talking about one of those "Group Homes" for the insane.

Phronk said...

Dammit, has nobody heard the term "yummy mummy" before?

I apologize for the confusing nature of my blog. I might as well live in a "home".

Count Chocula is better in every respect. Stop challenging me!!!

At least George Larson brings some solid facts to the table. Thank you.

I'm type in small paragraphs when I'm drunk.

Jason said...

Did I mention that I'm horny?

Morris said...

MILF?

Captain Bee said...

Reese's Puffs > Count Chocula

Phronk said...

No Jimmy, you didn't mention that, but thanks for the info.

Yes, MILF. That's what I'm talking about.

Reese's Puffs are pretty good, and probably not that bad for you either. Peanut butter and chocolate are nature's fuck-buddies. Better than Count Chocula though? It's close.

George Larson said...

Your simple recognition of the vastitude of my knowledge is ample thanks for me.

The Holywriter said...

Sorry, all I could afford was King Vitamin...the most tasteless cereal ever.

Jason said...

Where did the nickname "Phronk" come from?

Phronk said...

Is King Vitamin a real cereal? Because that would be awesome if it was.

Maybe I'll explain the origin of "Phronk" in a post. I'm sure everyone is just DYING to know.

sarah said...

yeah, what the heck is a phronk, phronk?