Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Jesus Crustacean

The weekend was quite fun. The booze party was a success. If I blew the blood alcohol level I did during the party while driving, I'd be arrested for driving while dead. I guess when you don't rinse with water before blowing, you can get up to levels that should be lethal.

I spent the rest of the weekend downtown at Sunfest (which is a fest in a park with much international music and food), and also attended the London Gay Pride Parade.

It was pretty nice. I got some free condoms and lube, which is always useful. I'm sure it's much more extravagant in big cities like Toronto, but I'm so glad we have the parade at all in conservative little London.

The protestors really piss me off though. I can handle the usual "Gay People are Freaks" signs. Whatever...free speech and all that, even if it's for purely evil purposes. You don't see me standing outside of churches every Sunday with signs saying "Jesus is an Asshole", but I sure hope the pride parade protestors would not have a problem with that. Same deal, right?

What really pissed me off was a sign saying "AIDS is God's cure for homosexuality". That's not only downright hateful and evil to the core, but it just makes no fucking sense. What are the kids in Africa with AIDS? Collateral damage? Fucking morons.

So next year I'm going to bring signs saying "heart attacks are God's punishment for eating shrimp". It makes as much sense as the AIDS sign (none), but does have a Biblical basis:
Leviticus 11:9-12 : Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.
I'll quote great statistics like "did you know that nearly 95% of people who have had heart attacks ate shrimp sometime in their life? God's love at work!" I'll ask the protestors if they've ever eaten shrimp, and if they say yes, I'll call them freaks and abominations. Then I'll run away, telling them I don't want to catch their heart disease.

makesign1


Further reading:

Edit: Jesus God Damn Christ! Looks like I'm not the first one to come up with this idea:

2006-Indianapolis-Pride-Festival2


22 comments:

stopspamming said...

Love your sign :D I defer to your superior creativity. Your posts are always good. *still chuckling*

~Deb said...

Hahahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!

sarah said...

haha! you are awesome! people who eat shrimp should be executed by the state for sure.

Salem said...

I'm a shrimp-hating gay man. I should have a protest sign to complain about all the sinning going down at Red Lobster.

Captain Bee said...

I hate shrimp. Not necessarily the taste, but the texture.

Shora said...

AWESOME post!!! Laughed my ass off at your church sign. Now I'm gonna sit back and wait for Dani's "words of wisdom" in response...

Timmy said...

same shit, different city!

great post, Phronko.

Phronk said...

Thanks for the comments y'all.

Even those of you who hate shrimp are going to hell you know. I know for a fact that all of you are either gay, having sex before marriage, or both. I even thought I saw one of you doing something other than resting on a Sunday, but I won't name any names.

So, see you in hell. We'll have some great parties there.

Nölff said...

God is pretty damn hateful from what I hear.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Great post and points. The protesters are so lame. The gay protestors disturb me as much as the ones who tie up traffic with the aborted fetus. I just want to tell them that no only is G-d not real, but if they believe so much in this cartoon character, why do they need to protest. Doesn't G-d send out e-mails to everyone?! Hello, shouldn't he be the one telling the "sinners" that they are evil? Furthermore, G-d called me last night and he said that he better not see them outside again bothering anyone!

sarah said...

Man, I have been gay since before you were born and i'm having sex before marriage as we speak! But atleast I'm above the abomination that is *cringe* shrimp. There is a special place in hell for you shrimp-eaters away from the rest of us. May you rot there, freaks.

The Holywriter said...

Phronk, e-mail me. I think we should create a website based on your idea. A website that can compete with "godhatesfags.com"

Jason said...

Adorable Girlfriend: You accidentally left the "o" out of a few words.

Great post Phronk.

Dani said...

Not too shabby.

My sign is way more cooler than yours!

Check it out => Gay Pride Week

DogGirl said...

I can't get H E Double Hockey Sticks out of GLBT. That would be something like G Hockey Stick Pregnant Woman Profile Telephone Pole and that doesn't roll off the tongue so easily.

Ig'nant Holy Rollers.

MyQuestioningMind said...

^ I love the church sign generator. I want it. It's better than the bunny poop pez thing.

I read about a guy who did Christian outreach during a gay pride parade. He dressed as a clown and passed out candy. He said that it was actually fun and people weren't offended by him at all.

The picket sign thing is just not happening.

madamerouge said...

I think it's adorable that you attended the parade.

sarah said...

update so I can stop leaving comments about shrimp.

Salem said...

Me, I 'm surprised we got through 3 days without someone saying 'skrimps'. oops

KaraMia said...

oh the sign is the BEST! Found you site from Italk2much, now i'll have to come back for more!

~*~ D ~*~ said...

God must love me a lot then, cuz I don't eat shrimp!

Ugh, gay protesters. I hate people like that.

Richard Dawkins said...

In terms of your reference to "techno" I would strenuously advise an investigation of "Squarepusher", and in particular a track called "Tetra-sync", as a backdrop. Live bass, mixed with amalgamated electronica, and probably one of the best demonstrations of electro-organic musicianship so far put to sound.