Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Fishy

I saw The Da Vinci Code the other night. Here is my movie ticket. In case you can't read it, says "The Da Vinci Cod". It'd probably have been better for them to leave out the "The" to save space, but it's much funnier this way.

I think The Da Vinci Cod would actually be a pretty sweet movie. In fact:

100 Ideas for Horror Movies: #11

The Da Vinci Cod: A Harvard marine biologist follows a series to clues, and discovers that Jesus was actually neither man nor God: He was a fish man from Atlantis! In the gripping finale, the scientist stumbles across an underwater cave full of thousands of eggs that Jesus laid before dying. The Jesus-spawn hatch, and begin slaughtering heathens in a fishy Armageddon.

On a completely unrelated note, my friend Geoff got one of those fancy new MacBooks recently. It's beautiful. It has a camera built right into the computer, which we took lots of pictures with last night. Here's one of me:

Photo 36


I can't believe how friggin sexy I am.


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

One Hundred Original Ideas for Horror Movies (#6 - 10)

windmill
See #1 to #5 for the first 5 and an explanation.


  • 6. The Wind: In the history of disaster movies, wind has not gotten its fair share of attention. Sure, there have been movies about tornados and storms, but never just unexplained wind so strong that it ruthlessly knocks over patio umbrellas and old people until people are seriously irritated. In the movie trailers, Mr. Movie Voice will say "it's not a hurricane, it's just really fucking windy out."

  • 7. The Hills Have Teeth: A small mountain mining town is besieged by tragedy when miners begin to disappear. A team consisting of a frail scientist, a muscular miner, a female, and a visible minority are sent in to investigate. They discover that the deaths may be the work of the mountain itself. The minority dies. They dig deeper, both literally and figuratively, and find that the mountain is actually a living creature, awoken by greedy mining activity. In the exhilarating final act, the mountain rises from the ground, revealing that it was only the back of a much larger creature. It attacks the nearest big city, and many explosions and CGI effects ensue. Then it fights Mothra.

  • 8. Baby Baby Baby: Radioactive cosmic rays from space cause babies to become both hyper-intelligent and hyper-violent. Using their brains to compensate for their tiny weak bodies, they take over the world, leaving a trail of adult bodies in their path. By the time this gets made, the technology will exist to make computer-generated babies look photorealistic. Seeing babies doing horrible things will fuck a lot of people up. Hell yeah.

  • 9. Untitled Alien Movie: Aliens invade Earth. The catch is that they look nothing like humans, insects, lizards, or some combination of those. Someone (other than H.R. Giger) will have to think up an alien that doesn't look like every other alien that has ever visited fictional Earth.

  • 10. Werebug: After getting bitten by ants at a picnic, a dentist discovers that during every full moon, he turns into an ant and bites people! He goes through many harrowing adventures, such as avoiding getting stepped on, running away from spiders, and communicating with other ants by squirting chemicals out of his ass. It's sorta like Honey I Shrunk the Kids, except it's all scary and depressing like that one part where the nice ant dies. That was sad. :( But anyway, in the end he learns how to control his affliction. Being able to turn into an ant and enter his patients' mouths for a closer look, he becomes the world's greatest dentist and wins the Nobel Prize for Dentistry.



Monday, May 29, 2006

Sleep Sucks

I recently read about a drug being developed that will allow people to stay up for 36 hours, or even a few days, at a time, without any of the side effects of things like caffeine.

Now most people will think this is creepy. That we shouldn't play God and mess with nature like that. But not I; sign me up, I want to get rid of sleep altogether. I remember in my 2nd year of university I read a lot about sleep. Most of the best sources seemed to agree that sleep serves little purpose today. One theory is that we only sleep at night because it would be dangerous for our ancestors to be out and about at night. Since we can't see in the dark, we'd be likely to fall into a lake or the mouth of a tiger. Much better that we just lie dormant in a cave while it's dark.

This doesn't apply today, where we have electric lights all over the place. We can have artificial daylight 24 / 7. Think of how much more time we could have to be productive, and more importantly, have fun and enjoy life, if we didn't have to spend 8 hours a day lying there doing nothing.

People will say "oh, but I like sleeping". Well yeah, me too, but I only like it when I'm tired. If a pill made it so I was never tired, I'd never feel like sleeping.

OK, so there are some advantages to sleep. Dreaming is the biggie. I love waking up and remember all the crazy ass dreams I had. Dreaming is one of the purest sources of creativity in everyday human life, and it would be a shame to lose it. There is also evidence that sleep helps with certain brain functions, such as consolidating memories.

So here's my ideal situation: We take a pill once a day, 6 days a week, that keeps us awake and alert 24 / 7. This gains us 8 x 6 = 48 hours = 3 WHOLE WAKING DAYS (assuming we're awake 16 hours per day) of extra time per week. There are people who can write novels in three days! Then, like God himself, on the 7th day we rest. We skip the pill and get a good night's sleep, gaining all the benefits of sleep and waking up with some sweet dreams.

It's a perfect solution to make life awesomer for everyone. Disagree? You're wrong.

P.S. Here's another fun link: How to Become an Early Riser. Just remember that this is some random blogger who might not know what he's talking about.


Saturday, May 27, 2006

Ear to Ear

dog_with_huge_ears


I've come across many interesting things about ears lately. So listen up (hahahahaah!) and I'll tell you about them.

First, there's this device called the Mosquito that supposedly creates an annoying sound that only teenagers can hear. Its purpose is to "chase away those annoying teenagers!!!" (direct quote from the site). This is just wrong on so many levels. First of all, I'm sure it's not only teens who will hear it. I can still hear the high-pitched squeal of CRT televisions that most people are oblivious to. If it's anything like that, my well-beyond-teenaged ears will pick up on it. But worse is the blatant discrimination this device embodies. Calling an entire group of people "annoying" and creating a device that hurts them is so obviously evil that I'm surprised they're allowed to sell this. It's no better than putting steep steps in front of your store, so those annoying frail old ladies can't get in. Or a scary dog that only barks at those annoying black people.

The second ear story is Do Earlobes Have a Purpose? If you're too lazy to click, the article basically says "no, they have no purpose." They're an "evolutionary hiccup". I don't find the answer entirely satisfying...did they ever have a purpose? Why would they show up in the first place? Maybe they are sexual displays, there to be pierced to attract mates. This guy probably gets all the ladies:

Pierced Ears


Or maybe lobes used to help wiggle our ears into a better position to hear with. This leads to the last story: Noisy Wiggling Ears Explained. Many people can wiggle their ears (I can), and the article goes into how there is a part of the brain dedicated to this, and how other muscles (e.g. eye muscles) are involved in wiggling. What I didn't know is that the human ear can also produce noise. It can make little clicks...though it's unclear if this is at all related to wiggling. The weirdest thing, though, is that these clicks are loudest in heterosexual women, and less loud in bi or homosexual women (and all men just suck at ear clicks).

So remember ladies, if you "choose" to become homosexual, it may affect your ability to make noise with your ears. Oh wait, that makes no sense. It's probably actually some common brain structure that controls both ear clicking and sexual preference. Since we don't choose the structure of our brains, this is even more evidence to the support the obvious conclusion that sexual preference is not a choice (I only mention this because I blabbed about the topic a few days ago).

Corn

Friday, May 26, 2006

How to be a Loser

It is no secret that I'm a geek. But if you want to see exactly how much of a geek I am, check out my Xbox 360's blog. This site tracks everything I do on my Xbox, then makes a blog from the machine's perspective. You stalkers out there can see exactly which game I'm playing right now (or if I'm watching a DVD or listening to a CD), as well as which games I've played during every past day of my sad, sad life.

It also tracks achievments, which are one of the most addictive things about the new Xbox. When you do certain things in games, you get "gamerscore" points which everyone can see. So it encourages you to try to do everything that can be done in a game.

One of my favourite new games (as you can see) is UNO. I used to like the card game back in the day, because it doesn't have all the fancy rules of Euchre or Asshole. You just hope you get lucky and make the right choice at the 2 or 3 points in the game where you actually have a choice of what to do. It takes so little brainpower, that people online are actually able to carry on a conversation beyond "that guy is a fag because he shot me with a gun in the game where you shoot people with guns". Fun stuff.

Is it bad that I'm 26 and still playing video games on a somewhat regular basis? Naaahh. What's the point of growing up and having disposable income if you can't do things you enjoy with it? (Why grow up at all? Oh...because this will happen if you take it too far.) Besides, the average game player is in their 20's now. Games are becoming mainstream entertainment as the kids who grew up with them get older. One day I bet they will be equivalent to movies and TV in that almost everyone, no matter what their age, enjoys them.

So there ya go. This stuff is also accessable on the side bar over there --> . If any of you reading this have an Xbox 360, be sure to add me to your friends list (my gamertag is Phronk). We can be losers together.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Shit That Will Blow Your Mind

Some random stuff to entertain and titillate your brains:

  • Video games don't cause violence. They're actually good for you. While this is one of the most vague articles I've ever read (games cause "positive learning traits", whatever the hell that means), the research should calm down those who freak out over violent video games. The study was inspired by a kid who was obsessed with "Manhunt" and killed another kid. Hey, maybe if your kid is obsessed with a game where all you do is murder people in violent ways, and let him keep playing, you as a parent deserve just a bit of responsibility here? Maybe? Plus if the kid was predisposed to love that game, he probably already had a little killer in him. Causes can go both ways.

  • Click here! Then click on the picture. Then click on the little pictures that make up the picture. Then keep clicking and clicking, for ever and ever. I spent 4 hours doing this. Well...4 minutes at least. Fun 4 minutes though.

  • Ever wondered if you could pour a glass of iced tea while doing a barrel roll in a fighter plane? I think we all have, at some point. Find out now!. I'd like to see the dude try this with beer. It's hard enough to get the perfect amount of head while not flying a a plane. [insert very funny joke about 'head']


Sunday, May 21, 2006

Story Time

In celebration of the release of The Da Vinci Code, I am re-releasing an updated version of my tangentially related masterpiece, the story formerly known as "Smart", now with a new title (see below). Although controversial and not recieved well by critics upon its original release, this newly updated version of the blook (blog book) may have better luck finding its audience. It is a harrowing tale with lots of monsters, explosions, and manufacturing facilities.

The blook is pasted in its entirety below. You can also find it here for easier printing and permanent linkage.

Be one of the first to read this soon-to-be classic. When I'm famous and outselling Dan Brown, you can say "hey, I knew that guy when he was significantly less talented", and feel good about yourself.

Enjoy.




Brains vs. Brawn: The Rise and Fall of an American Legend

Chapter 1: Sasquatch Attacks!

My girlfriend and I went to look at cars to buy yesterday. I find all cars absolutely boring...they all look basically the same, and I don't give a shit if one goes slightly faster than the other, because I drive cars in a city, not a race course. 140 kph is good enough, and every car can do that. I also hate that driving a car unnecessarily pollutes the environment. Parking sucks too.

However, there is one car which is just different enough from other cars to make me like it a bit more. It's called the smart car. It is small and enviornmentally friendly and weird looking.



So we went to look at one. Luckily, there is a Mercedes dealership right here in London, Ontario. The car salesman came to greet us, and although he was friendly, there was something shifty about his eyes. After talking about options and pricing, he offered to take me on a test drive. "But first," he said, "I have to go take care of some business."

I got in the passenger seat, and he told me to put on my seatbelt. We drove for a while, and before I realized where we were going, we were in a pretty bad part of town. I was about to ask him what was going on, when there was a crash behind us.

I looked back, and saw that a large truck had just rear-ended us. And you'll never guess who was driving the truck. It was Bigfoot!

The car salesman told me to relax, then did a sudden U-turn. He explained to me that the smart car was small and maneuverable, and very fun to drive. He also showed me the power windows, as he clicked his window down and pulled a gun from under the seat.

He began to accelerate and fire at Bigfoot's truck at the same time. He told me to take the wheel, so I did, and I noticed that it was indeed pretty fun to drive.

We passed Bigfoot, and he turned around to follow us. The salesman took the wheel back, and turned down a side street. He began accelerating toward what looked like a dead end, with a narrow alleyway blocking our way. I screamed, thinking we would hit a wall, but the car was so small that it managed to fit into the alley. "Imagine how easy it is to park" said the salesman, and I laughed.

There was an explosion behind us as Bigfoot tried to follow us into the alley with his large truck (one of those flashy trucks with giant wheels; not sure what they're called). Too large to fit, the truck smashed into the walls of the alley. The salesman slammed on the brakes, and I looked back to see an orange ball of flame where the truck used to be. The salesman fired a few shots into the windshield, just to make sure.

As fiery bits of metal, glass and fur rained down upon us, I realized that the smart car is really great, and I'd probably like to buy one.

So yeah, that was a pretty fun day I guess.

Chapter 2: Purchasing Power

After the exciting test drive, we decided that we're going to go for it and buy the car, despite the fact that we will now be completely broke. I'm talking about stealing free food from the grocery store and conferences at the university, then bringing it home to eat in the dark, because we can't afford electricity, broke.

In any case, we went back to the dealership to sign the forms and order our car. Since we wouldn't be quite broke enough after buying the basic model, we decided to spend a bit more and get the "passion" (i.e. pretty and luxurious) model. It will be black and silver and built just the way we want it. Nice.

However, just as we were about to sign the order form, we heard a shattering sound from the front of the dealership. I grabbed V and hit the floor just in time to avoid being hit by a flying smart car which had just crashed through the front window. It rolled a few times, destroying several million-dollar Mercedes. Immediately, every car salesman pulled out guns from under their sharp suits and began firing at the window. At first I couldn't see what they were firing at, but as the dust settled I saw a dark shape standing there. It was Bigfoot again! He was alive!

I could see that Bigfoot was still smoking from our last encounter, but appeared to be fine. He swatted away bullets like flies, and leaped into the dealership. He picked up another smart car from the show floor and bit off a side mirror with his teeth, before crushing it between his hands like a tin can. He was about to smash another car, when there were sirens in the distance. Bigfoot paused, listening, then leaped back out the window and disappeared.

I turned to the salesman, who was already cleaning his shotgun and appeared completely calm. "Don't worry about that, happens all the time", he said, and slid the forms toward us. I asked him what the hell was going on, but he said that was a story for another time. I sighed, then signed away $250 for the deposite. Damn, $250. That's messed up.

Anyway, here is what our car will look like:
smart2


Chapter 3: Taco Hell

So, our car has finally arrived. We went to pick it up on Friday after waiting four months for it (it was custom ordered). We are already broke, eating stale dirt for dinner.

However, it is a beautiful little car. I will post some pictures here when I have some.

After bringing it home, I realized that I now have the freedom to go wherever I want. I'm no longer at the mercy of bus routes and going to places that both me and V want to go. I can get up at any time and drive wherever the hell I want.

So where was the first place I went? Taco Bell. V hates Taco Bell, so I haven't been there in years and years.

I arrived and picked up the new Crunch Wrap supreme. As I got my funky new smart keychain out of my pocket and prepared to leave, there was an explosion at the front of the store! It was friggin Bigfoot again! Only this time he had brought along his army of undead kangaroos with him.

Experts in explosives, the kangaroos hopped through the new hole in Taco Bell's wall, throwing joeys full of napalm at me.

I dodged with expert skill and grabbed some hot sauce packets. I began squirting them, aiming for the eyes. A few went down, clawing at their burning sockets, but more hopped in to take their place. Taco Bell employees were burning alive, but to my surprise, the surviving employees were putting their fallen comrades into meat grinders and making tacos out of them. I knew it!

I reasoned that the only way to get out of this alive would be to take out their leader: Bigfoot himself. I crawled under the counter and picked up a bucket of concentrated Pepsi. While tasty in small doses, I knew that it was horribly toxic when consumed in its raw form. Using my ninja powers to turn invisible, I snuck up behind Bigfoot and poured an entire tub of raw Pepsi into his mouth.

Bigfoot's eyes bulged out of his head. His mouth began to foam. I took advantage of the momentary distraction and made a run for the border. With his last breath, Bigfoot said: "I shall get you next time! You and that environmentally friendly fuel efficient car!"

There are three things which are certain in life: death, taxes, and the fact that Bigfoot hates nature.

I sped home, using hardly any fuel, and finally got a chance to relax. I ate my Crunch Wrap supreme, knowing that I deserved a reward for a job well done. Bigfoot's plan to destroy all of nature had failed...I had finally killed Bigfoot.

OR HAD I?!?!?!!!!1?!

Chapter 4: Why Opposites Attract

I woke up this morning to find that the city had moved into the season of fall. I swear I could see my breath in my bedroom. I looked out the window; no snow yet. However, my ninja senses picked up danger. I looked out over Western road, and saw a large truck/SUV/tank thing speeding down it. In the back was a blanket covering a large mass. A brown patch of fur sticking out told me that it was Bigfoot. Had he survived? Or was somebody carting the body around?


Then I noticed who was driving the truck. As I suspected all along, it was Dracula. Who else could have created those undead kangaroos for Bigfoot?

Let's compare Dracula and Bigfoot for a second. Dracula can be killed with a stake through the heart or direct sunlight, while Bigfoot is at his strongest during the day, and has a heart made out of pure steel. Bigfoot can run faster than a cheetah on the ground, but Dracula can turn into a bat and fly at supersonic speeds. Dracula is polite, charismatic and charming, while Bigfoot doesn't even wash his hands after going to the bathroom. Dracula is also repelled by garlic. Well let me tell you something about Bigfoot...he loves garlic. Bigfoot once killed every man, woman and child at a garlic factory just to steal a few cloves of the stuff.

So, it would appear that the two monsters are complete opposites. Why would they be hanging out together? Well you see, one's strengths make up for the other's weaknesses. If Bigfoot and Dracula wanted to infiltrate a wooden stake factory, then Dracula could charm the armed guards into letting Bigfoot inside, who could then go inside and destroy the stakes without fear of poking himself. They are the perfect pair.

Things looked worse than ever. I chose not to pursue the truck...they were close enough to finding where I live without me giving it away. I prayed that Bigfoot was dead, being driven to a funeral by his undead friend. Somehow, though, I doubted it.

Chapter 5: The Case of the Harmful Halitosis

Today, I went out to drop off some movies (Fantastic Four and Mr & Mrs Smith...both OK but not great movies). On the way home, I noticed a wonderous sight at the corner of Oxford and Wonderland. There was a castle there which had not been there the day before. I pondered this for a moment, then came to a startling realization: Dracula had moved into the neighbourhood. It's the way vampires work, you see; they move from place to place, using their magic vampire bricklaying powers to instantly make comfortable castles to live in. If you drive by that intersection, you probably won't see it though. Only those who have been trained in the way of the ninja have eyes capable of seeing these castles.

I activated the smart car's stealth capabilities and pulled into the driveway, hoping to find some clues as to Dracula and Bigfoot's plans. I sifted through the garbage can and found some documents referring to an evil plot to put rotten meat in all new smart cars, making them reek of decay instead of new-car-smell. What bastards! They needed to be stopped...but how?

As I was about to leave, the door to the castle opened. Bigfoot came out, wearing a bath robe and slippers. God damn, he was alive after all. As he bent down to get the mail from the doorstep, a hand shot out of the doorway and pinched Bigfoot's ass. Dracula stepped out, giggling, and the two monsters locked lips in a furry embrace. I had a feeling they were more than friends. I drove off, instantly aware of what needed to be done.

I prepared a lovely gift basket full of garlic. I put a pretty bow on it, and addressed it to Bigfoot. Love, Dracula.

I disguised myself as a delivery man, then returned to the castle and rang the doorbell. Luckily, it was Bigfoot who answered. As we all know, Bigfoot loves garlic, and as soon as he saw the basket and read the card on it, he ate the whole thing in one mighty bite. I watched as he turned around, a big smile on his face, and called for Dracula.
The vampire ran into the room. He smelled the garlic and recoiled, but Bigfoot was overcome with gratitude. Bigfoot ran to Dracula, picked him up in one massive hand, then kissed him on the forehead, kissed him on the ears, kissed him on the nose, and finally, kissed him on the mouth. By the time he realized what he had done, it was too late. Dracula's face was melting off, burned by Bigfoot's garlic infused slobber.

Bigfoot's cry of anguish sent a cloud of garlic-laced breath across Dracula, finishing him off. I fled the castle as Dracula was reduced to a pile of dust, not wanting to be there when Bigfoot's rage was unleashed.

One down, one to go.

Chapter 6: The End of the Road


Lately, the #1 question asked about our smart car is "how does it handle in the snow?" The answer is "the same as any other car, dumbass." I really found out how good it handled earlier today, when I got into a bit of a slippery situation. Let me tell you about it.

After my last encounter with Bigfoot, I studied the documents recovered from his trash. I deduced that his plan was to strike the Mercedes factory in Europe at midnight on the night of the winter solstice, hiding raw meat in every car coming off the line. Although Dracula was out of the picture, I had no doubt that Bigfoot would attempt to carry out the plan in his memory. So I activated the smart car's jet capabilities and flew to Europe, determined to stop the plan from ever reaching fruition.

I came upon the factory in the dead of night. It was cold and blizzardy out, and I could feel my snot freeze as I got out of the car and watched the factory through some binoculars. All seemed normal, until a set of headlights suddenly shone right behind me! I pulled out my bow and arrow, ready to fire, but it was not Bigfoot who got out of the car. In the darkness, I first thought it was William Shatner who stood before me. However, as he drew closer, I saw that it was only Tom Hanks.

PEOPLE_HANKS_NY11211302334
"Tom!" I said, "what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to promote my new movie, The Da Vinci Code, which features an exciting smart car chase in it. I heard about Sasquatch's plan, and I thought that stopping it would be good publicity."

"Interesting, Tom," said I, "but I see no reporters or cameras. How will the public know about this act of heroism?"

"I knew that you would be writing about this on your world-famous blog," said Tom flatteringly.

Before I could ask any more questions, there was a commotion at the factory. I looked through my binoculars just in time to see a flash of fur dart into the main doors. Two dead guards lay on the snowy ground. I immediately turned around to chase Bigfoot, but Tom stopped me. "Do you really think that's 'Smart'? Going after the mighty Sasquatch with only a bow and arrow?" he said. I knew he was right, and almost began to weep with despair. But then Tom placed an object in my hand. "This is no ordinary gun," he explained, "this gun shoots TIME BULLETS. They will transport anything they hit to another time!"

I smiled, and gave Tom a nod of thanks. I charged into the factory, a bow in one hand and the time gun in the other. I followed a trail of dead bodies to Bigfoot, who was standing at the end of the assembly line with a bag of raw meat. I became even more angry when I noticed that it was kitten meat. Bastard! I fired the bow rapidly with one hand, using the ancient ninja techniques of drawing the string with my teeth, but it was no surprise that the arrows bounced right off of Bigfoot's tough hide.

He looked at me, fire in his eyes. "You are the individual who has injured me grievously, and murdered my beloved husband" he roared with fury. "Have at you!"

The monster threw several half-completed smart cars at me, but I managed to shoot them out of the air with the bow. Bigfoot roared again, and charged straight at me. I took steady aim with the time gun, then fired. Unfortunately, the time bullet only struck his left leg. The leg was transported back in time with a flash of light.

I later read a history book describing the story of a poor family who, during the Great Depression, prayed to God for food, any food. A large hairy leg then appeared on their kitchen table. The family ate it, but described it as "stringy", and later became atheists.

sasquatch
Anyway, before I could reload and fire again, Bigfoot managed to get into one of the cars coming off of the line. He wouldn't have fit into it, had his left leg not been missing. Damn! He drove off at top speed as I got into another smart, giving chase.

As I drove away, I saw Tom Hanks outside. Bigfoot's army of undead kangaroos had arrived, and Tom was fighting them off with a box of grenades. "Life is like a box of chocolates" he said, "you never know what the hell you're gonna get!" Tom then pulled a handful of grenades out of the box and tossed them at the kangaroos, laughing maniacally the whole time.

Knowing Tom could take care of himself, I drove past. I chased Bigfoot for what seemed like hours, maneuvering down the twisting and narrow European roads. The car handled surprisingly well in the snow, though I slipped around a little bit. I think I'll get snow tires for my own car. Finally, Bigfoot took a turn a bit too fast and crashed into a lightpost. The car exploded on impact, since lightposts in Europe use volatile gases as power. Bigfoot got out of the car, his fur on fire.

The monster has survived my attacks before, so I knew that I really had to finish him off this time. I stepped on the gas and aimed the car toward him. I made sure the time gun was on the seat beside me, then activated the smart car's self destruct feature. The car struck Bigfoot, catching him on the roof, and I immediately jumped out of the car door, rolling in the snow. The car traveled a few more feet, then exploded. The heat caused all the time bullets in the gun to go off at once, opening a giant portal through time in the middle of the road.

sun-soho011905-1919z
Through the portal, all I could see was bright red light. I immediately knew that it was a portal to the distant future, when the sun has swallowed the earth and life as we know it no longer exists. The shell of the car careened into the portal, carrying Bigfoot right into the center of the sun. I briefly saw the outline of his skeleton before he was completely incinerated.

My mission was complete. I had finally destroyed Bigfoot, the symbol of everything that is wrong with the world. I had a party that night and invited Tom Hanks, but he didn't come.

Too good for me, is he? I might have to kill him next.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed reading about my experiences so far with the smart car. This story has been 100% true. Bye now.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Octopusology

Did you know that the plural form of octopus is octopuses? 'Tis true. The word comes from the Greeks. The tendency to say "octopi" is a mistaken application of the Latin rules for plurals.

Speaking of which, I had a dream last night where I was at a giant Wal Mart type place. More of a Costco actually, but conspicuously devoid of free samples. In the toy section, they had animals wrapped up in plastic and cardboard, like action figures. One of them was a giant grasshopper-like insect. I picked one up and as I looked at it, I noticed that it was alive. Scary. It also came with a bonus maggot-type creature...a disgusting little white blob with black claws. I always loved action figures that came with cool accessories.

They also had other animals. For example: a baby octopus. This is the last dream I remember before Willard woke me up by biting my toes (she had to pee really bad). Then this morning, I start reading some random blogs, and the first post I come across is this one: Butchie likes to stuff fleshy appendages in his mouth. Coincidence? Or evidence that Na Kika, the octopus god of the Gilbert Islands, is watching over us all? That's for you to decide.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Very Surprised

Ok, this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. First read this: CLICK HERE NOW.

Then press play below to watch it.



Hehe...just the look on his face right at the beginning...man. That guy is a hero. I'm sure if they find him, he'll be a talk-show celebrity for at least 15 minutes.

Monday, May 15, 2006

More Like American Poo-head Association

Warning: This post will be boring to anyone not in university.

This is the American Psychological Association's (APA) publication manual. This is pretty much the bible for writing psychology papers. Every little detail of how to write, right down to how many spaces go after a period, exactly what order to put information in, where every line in a table goes, etc, is here, and must be followed exactly or you'll never get published and you'll soon be homeless, eating bugs and discarded tacos.

I can live with that. There needs to be a standard so that everyone is on the same page, and writing is clear, concise, and organized so that anyone can pick up a paper and know exactly where to look for the information they want. But the ironic thing is that the APA Manual itself is the most poorly written, poorly organized book I have ever come across.

There is no table of contents. The only way to find anything is to flip through the entire book, looking for the section you need. Oh, you could look in the Index, but that will take some flipping too; it's not at the end of the book where you'd expect, but a few pages before the introduction and preface which take up the last few pages. Doesn't exactly put the "pre" in preface. Oh, and there's the table of contents...between the Index and the Intro. Weird.

I just find it ironic that a book about clear organization is so poorly organized. It's like writing an anti-hunting book on the skin of baby seals, using their blood as ink.

Hmmm...where did that come from? I'm a sick fuck.

P.S. Correct me if I'm wrong here...maybe my copy of the book was just bound with the pages in the wrong order or something.

P.P.S. I'm obviously writing this to procrastinate while I'm writing my thesis.


Sunday, May 14, 2006

Snakes on a Plane

I saw Munich tonight. Good movie, but lately whenever I see a movie all I can think of is, "I wish I was watching Snakes on a Plane instead."

Snakes on a Plane


It stars Samuel L. Jackson, and it comes out on August 18th. Luckily, the first trailer for the film will be shown in front of X-Men 3, coming out later this month. I can't wait. I like planes, and I like snakes, but putting them together was a stroke of genius rivaling the merger of chocolate with peanut butter.

Snakes on a Plane

You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a movie by its title. Snakes on a Plane will change the world.

And speaking of movies, Mission: Impossible: III is pretty good. Better than the other two, I'd say. Picture a two-hour episode of Alias and you'll know what to expect.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Gay Homosexuality

I've come across a lot of gay stuff lately. First, this blog has been listed on Gayblogs. I blame Butchie for this. I also blame him for pointing me to "Generation X-Pose", the blog of a radical Christian fundamentalist who, among other ridiculous things, believes that homosexuality is a perversion. She even posted a pic of a bumper sticker reading "eliminate perversion". Genocide is funny!

This got me thinking about homosexuality. Whenever I come across debates on this topic, there are a few things that always come up, but I think people (on both sides of the issue) often miss the point. Let me blab for a while about three aspects of one of these issues: Choice.

First: Is it a choice? Usually, it comes down to homophobes saying being gay is a choice, and homophiles saying it's not a choice. I am indeed straight, so perhaps I'm not qualified to comment on this (though apparently everyone reading my blog is), but I think it is obvious that being gay is not a conscious choice. You don't even need scientific evidence to figure this out...a simple thought experiment will do.

Try this: Imagine yourself being of the opposite sexual orientation than you are, and (this is key), enjoying it. If you're a straight dude, imagine yourself sucking on another dude's dick and loving it. If you're a straight female, imagine being extremely happy about burying your face in a nice wet vagina. Can you do it? Not just imagining doing it, but LIKING it? Can you just turn a switch back and forth that determines your preference? I doubt it. I certainly can't. And therefore it can't be a choice. If a straight person can't choose to be gay, how can a gay person choose to be straight? And if you can imagine it, then you're bisexual. Congratulations, your choices for a partner just doubled.

Second: People say that if it's not a choice, it must be genetic. This is not true. Genetics and choice do not go hand in hand. People can have characteristics which were not put there by genetics, but which they did not choose to possess either. Many people are afraid of clowns. They were not born afraid of clowns, but neither did they choose to be afraid. More likely, it's bad experiences with clowns (the movie "It") and clown-like things (Carrot Top). Certainly nobody said to themselves, "hey, I think I'll choose to have a clown phobia today". They would be no more likely to do that than to choose to be gay in a world where the insane hateful woman from the blog above exists.

I'm not saying this parallels homosexuality at all (there is evidence of a genetic contribution to it [one example]), I just mean to point out that something being a choice and something being determined by genes are not mutually exclusive.

Third: My previous two points are actually irrelevant. It doesn't matter if being gay is a choice or not. Why should I, or anyone else, care what people rub their genitals against in the privacy of their homes? It doesn't affect me. Even if sexual orientation is a completely conscious, deliberate "lifestyle" choice (it's not, but if it was), who cares? I'm not gonna say "don't judge people"...that's stupid...judge people who do bad things to you. Judge people who do bad things to other people. But don't judge people based on one aspect of their life which is, for the most part, private, and even the public aspects don't affect anybody but the people involved.

I prefer Pepsi to Coke, but I really don't give a shit if other people drink Coke in their homes. I don't even care if I see them drinking Coke in public. If my religion had a bible that told people to drink Pepsi, hey, the Coke drinkers are the ones going to hell. They chose their preference, right? Has nothing to do with me. Besides, my religion is probably wrong...It's one among hundreds, so what are the odds that mine got everything right? Not good. Maybe us Pepsi drinkers are the ones going to hell.

Conclusion: Kill all gay people. Oops, I mean, Conclusion: Don't treat people badly based on their sexual orientation, whether it's a choice or not, and it's not.

Wow...I spent an hour writing this when I should have been working on my thesis. Ah well, it's good to get these thoughts out of my brain.


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Moving

I'm getting sick of trying to access this blog and seeing a message from Rogers saying I've exceeded my data transfer. I guess they can't handle the 3 visitors per hour that I'm getting. So, I'll move to Bell when Rogers gives me my soul back my contract expires, but for now, I'm moving this blog to Blogspot.

What does this mean? Well, if any of you loyal readers have bookmarks or links to my blog, please make sure that the address in the link is http://www.phronk.com . That will lead to me, no matter where the files are actually hosted. The actual address is http://phronko.blogspot.com (because my arch enemy, Phake Phronk, stole phronk.blogspot.com, in addition to taking phronk (at) gmail (dot) com. I'll get you someday, name-stealer), which will appear in your browser while you're here, but don't link to it in case I move again.

So yeah, link to phronk.com. That's it. Also, some things might look broken around here for a while, as I try to figure out how to upload pictures 'n stuff. Just ignore the crappiness.

Sorry for the invonvenience. Have a wonderful day! BYE!!!!


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Wii Wii

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This is a picture of people playing a game from Nintendo's new gaming console, the Wii. Apparently all screenshots from games on the console will include pictures of people actually playing the game. Weird. The Wii is going with a different approach than its rivals (Sony and Microsoft), which I think is awesome. But what the hell is going on here? It looks like the goal is to squeeze your own head until you sweat. Is this awesome?

When I See Their Happy Faces, Smiling Back at Me

Last night the last episode of Seventh Heaven aired (SPOILER WARNING!!11!). The show has been on since 1996, so many people have literally grown up with the show during its 10-year lifespan. I have many fond memories of 7th Heaven...when I lived in North Carolina, my roommate Ronald and I would watch it every morning and make fun of its "messages" and backwards morality. V and I have had many laughs at it in recent years, too. And even though it is truly a horrible show which could seriously corrupt kids and ruin lives, it is nice to see the characters actually age and grow up as the show moves along, dealing with real-life issues and such.

So I expected the final episode to be a big deal. A powerful episode that brings the whole family together to tie up all their loose ends and end the show with a bang. Instead, we get....just another regular episode. I guess stuff happened, but nothing that couldn't happen in a normal episode. Nobody died, nobody was born, nothing. However, the usual 7th Heaven messages were there...the reverend reveals how much he hates his daughter and wants to screw up his son's life, when he fantasizes about Mary acting like an idiot while she ruins Simon's wedding. What a great dad. Then the show ends with the "miracle" of every character in the show being pregnant with twins, and Hillary Duff's sister coming in to tell Simon something about her kid, but never revealing what it is, so it ends in a cliffhanger. Oh...but...oops, it's the last episode so we'll never see what happens. Obviously it's Simon's kid, but still.

jessica_beil0028


Oh well, I'm still sad to see the show end. It taught me some important life lessons:

  • Life is all about having as many kids as possible as quickly as you can.
  • Do what religion says to do, even if it will ruin your life to do so.
  • If you engage in premarital sex and doing drugs, bad things will happen to you, even if they are not directly related to the sex or drugs.
  • Spying on your family and interfering with their lives, often behind their backs, is good parenting. It often results in hilarious situations and funky guitar music.


Bye 7th Heaven. I will miss you. Where can you go when the world don't treat you right? The answer is home. That's the one place you can find...7th Heaven. UUUUUUUUUNGH! , 7th Heaven.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Book Review: Theatre of the Mind: Raising the Curtain on Consciousness, by Jay Ingram

Consciousness is a very difficult subject to tackle. It's hard to even define, despite the fact that every one of us experiences it during every (waking?) moment of our lives. It's even harder to study objectively, given that consciousness is, practically by definition, highly subjective.

Jay Ingram gives it a shot in his latest book, Theatre of the Mind. The title refers to several past thinkers who have used the theatre metaphor to understand consciousness. This often leads to problems (e.g. if the stage represents consciousness, then someone (the audience) needs to view the contents of consciousness, and thus must be conscious themselves, which leads to an infinite string of consciousnesses within consciousnesses), which Ingram points out in order to illustrate difficulties with consciousness studies. However, I like how he also explains an updated version of the metaphor to illustrate one of the current theories about what consciousness is, how it works, and how it avoids the above problem. Books like this often present a whole lot of research and anecdotes without even attempting to tie it all together. Ingram, though aware of the limitations of this approach, does bring up one possible approach (global workspace theory) to wrap things up.

Given Ingram's origin as a host of popular science shows, it is not unexpected that the book is extremely casual and non-scientific. It is almost like watching a long episode of Daily Planet all about consciousness. This makes it an easy read, and I would recommend the book to anyone even if they have no experience with psychology or philosophy. Sometimes, however, I wished for more detail and depth. He jumps around a lot, as if unable to stay on one topic for more than a few paragraphs, which can get annoying if the topic is interesting and he suddenly moves on to something else. Ingram also adds his own anecdotes and opinions, which again makes it easier to digest, but some may view it as overstepping his bounds to be critical of an area of research which he has not participated in himself.

Another thing I must mention is that Ingram takes a very open-minded approach. Though he always warns when something is not generally accepted by the scientific community, he is not afraid to venture into territory that could be considered pseudo-science or parapsychological. One example is a researcher, Benjamin Libet, who wishes to stimulate a piece of brain which has been completely detached from the rest of the brain, but kept alive and in the skull. He believes that the rest of the brain could still react to the stimulus, because there is more to consciousness than connections between neurons. Needless to say, it's a bit controversial, but given some of the incredible findings that Libet (and others) have already discovered about the mind and brain, I think it's worth seeing what happens.

I recommend Theatre of the Mind to anyone looking to learn more about consciousness. It probably brings up more questions than answers, but at least it will clarify one's thinking about a subject which is very hard to think about.


Friday, May 05, 2006

Person + Car = Stupid

A weird thing happened to me the other day. I was gonna blog about it right after it happened, but then I forgot and had MUCH better things to post about (see below).

Anyway, I was driving along with V beside me, and we came to a crosswalk thing. A woman that was walking beside the road suddenly stepped out in front of the car so I had to slow down rather suddenly. Fine, I thought to myself, it's a crosswalk. I had time to slow down. She needed to cross and didn't see me. No problem. So I waited for her to cross so I could be on my way.

Then she turned, and started walking in the middle of the road. Right in front of my car.

I putted along behind her for a few seconds. We laughed because it was very strange that she somehow didn't see or hear the small but noisy car behind her. I got a bit closer. She continued walking in the middle of the road. Eventually I was within a few feet of her, right on her ass. She must have known we were there, but still, she continued walking right in the middle of the road.

At this point, we've been in this ridiculous situation of putting along behind a person walking in the street for about 30 or 40 seconds. V and I are both in an extreme state of what-the-fuckness. Then V knocks on our windshield to get her attention. She doesn't react. Maybe she's deaf or blind or something. I consider honking, but don't want to startle her, so I knock on the windshield again, louder this time. Then, finally, she turns around, looks at the car, and continues walking. Not even off to the side of the road...right in the middle.

What the fuck? She was walking along the sidewalk, then as our car approached, decided to switch to the road, and walk in front of the approaching car that she was clearly in the path of. Smart cars are small and everything...but getting run over by one still results in death. Also: It slows down traffic a bit when you're walking on the road pretending to be a car.

Eventually we got to an intersection. She crossed the other road without looking both ways (didn't her parents teach her to look both ways?), and thankfully, we turned left and escaped her tortuous slowness.

When people violate the unspoken (or spoken) rules of society like that, it just creeps me out. I have no idea what they're thinking. What if that person confuses the sidewalk with the road while they're driving? She could kill somebody. Spooky.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Dog the Bounty Hunted

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HAHAHAHHAHAH DIE YOU STUPID DOG!!! DIE!!!

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GNAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHHOOAHHA!!!!!!!! DIE AND BURN IN HELL!!!! heeehooAAAAHH HAHAHHAHAHAHoooooo. ooo.


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Making the Bed

What's the point of making your bed?

"It looks nice" is probably a common answer. OK, sure, it looks nice, but who are you trying to impress? How many people enter your room on a daily basis? Unless you're a megaslut, it's probably just you, and maybe a partner, who see your bed on a regular basis. Does it really cause you that much distress to see a wrinkled bed? So much that it's worth taking the time and effort to make it look pretty every single morning?

I doubt it. Even you are only seeing your bed for a few minutes out of every day. You wake up, make your bed, then leave for the day. Then you come, maybe see your bed for a minute as you change or whatever, and the next time you see it you're getting in bed for the night and getting it all messed up again. Again, do those five minutes of viewing time make it worth doing up?

The only valid argument I can think of for making your bed is that it's more comfortable to get into a freshly made bed at night. You might as well do it in the morning for the added bonus of the bed looking nice for the whole day, but the primary reason is comfort. OK, maybe true, but personally I don't know if that intitial comfort of getting into a made bed is worth the daily effort.

I think it's more likely that we've all just been brainwashed to go through the motions of making our beds. Our parents made us do it when we were young, so we just keep going at it. Is there any logical reason for it though? Discuss.

P.S. Today's topic was inspired by this blog post.


Monday, May 01, 2006

Bruce Lee's One Inch Punch

I'm trying something new here. A site I visit frequently is Digg - a news site where news is submitted and controlled entirely by its readers rather than editors. Kinda like Wikipedia for science and technology news. Anyway, one feature is that you can easily blog any story right from the Digg site.

So here is the first story I've felt compelled to blog about. It's a short documentary about Bruce Lee's One Inch Punch. It's weird that I came across this now, because just on the weekend I was watching some Bruce Lee movies while flipping through channels in a drunken/hung over state, and made a mental note to myself to learn more about Bruce Lee. My mental note prayers were answered!

Enjoy. I hope this works. (oh, the link is below)

read more | digg story