Saturday, October 20, 2007

The Classification and Generalization of Shit and Shit-Based Language

I have been doing some research, and here is a handy guide to the different types of shit.

  • Living Shit: Living shit is born when people become frightened. They will often exclaim "you scared the living shit out of me!", and they will no longer have sentient shit living inside of them.

  • Bull Shit: Living shit is not always entirely truthful. When it tells a lie, perhaps to bolster its own (often fragile) self confidence, or to further its political agenda, it becomes bull shit.

  • Horse Shit: When bull shit's lies become so persistent that they cause anger in those exposed to them, it becomes horse shit. People exposed to horse shit will often exclaim "this is horse shit!", and will then throw a chair across the room.

  • Ape Shit: The danger of horse shit, of course, is that it breeds ape shit. When horse shit induces such a severe degree of anger as to cause complete irrationality, the bearer of the anger transforms into ape shit. Ape shit is dangerous, and should not be approached. It will cut you.

  • Bat Shit: The most damaging consequence of ape shit is bat shit. When the irrational rage of ape shit persists long enough, it transforms into bat shit. Bat shit is incapable of coherent thought, often dropping small nuggets of bull shit that do not know they are bull shit. Bat shit can scare the living shit out of people, thus renewing its life cycle.


It seems that are shit-based reverse-euphemisms for most emotions: Anger = ape shit, fear/surprise = living shit, happiness = pig in shit. I propose the following for some of the remaining emotions:

Jealousy = Lizardshit. Because lizards are green and so is envy. E.g., "I am lizardshit jealous of the number of comments on your blog."

Sadness = Platypus-shit. Because platypuses are the Earth's saddest freaks of nature. E.g., "I was feeling platypus-shit down, so I listened to Fall Out Boy and cut myself just a little."

Disgust = Skunkshit. Because there's nothing more disgusting than combining the two things that can come out of a skunk's ass. E.g., "People seem to think Natalie Portman is hot, but I think she's totally skunkshit."; "Thank you for baking this cake for me, but I'm afraid it's skunkshit."

That's all for today's lesson. Have a good day now.



SharkBoy said...

Holy Shit!!!

tornwordo said...

Funny. And what, tubgirl is no more?

Dead Robot said...

This post was the shit!

Phronk said...

Sharkboy: Woot, another happiness/surprise-related shit term!

Tornwordo: It's not funny, it's serious research. But I figured tubgirl would be going a bit too far.

Dead Robot: Woot, yet another happiness-related shit term!