Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dr. Phronk's Weight Loss Solution

I've lost quite a bit of weight in the last few weeks. People always seem to be wanting to lose weight. Evidence of this is on the radio here in London, where there is this ad that plays on FM96 every few minutes for a product called Evercleanse. It begins with "are you a woman or a man who wants to lose weight?" I guess people with no genitals should stop listening. It then describes how "some experts" say there is extra weight "clinging to the colon wall like spackle or paste" (see, I have this memorized because it really is on every 5 minutes). You know, another name for this substance clogging our colons is "food." Evercleanse can get rid of this "food" by forcefully excreting it from your ass. Awesome.

No wait, that's not awesome. Why do they let people put stuff that's so obviously a scam on the radio?

Ah, but I have the real secret to weight loss, and I will share it with you for free, dear blog reader. Here are the secret steps to rapid weight loss:
  • Break up with your significant other. Love is actually a heavy tar-like substance that clings to your stomach walls. Get rid of that shit.
  • Make sure you share lots of stuff, like a house, so that splitting it up will cause lots of stress. Stress flushes out toxins and increases metabolism. (Unfortunately, this step didn't work so much for me, because V is awesome and non-crazy so it wasn't a messy divorce-like breakup like you see on TV. Maybe next time.)
  • Sell that car you shared. This will A) cause much-needed stress; and B) force you to stop being such a lazy fatass and walk everywhere.
  • You don't need money. Money reduces stress and puts you within reach of the leading cause of weight gain: Food.


  • Never have a back yard. That way, when your dog comes to visit, you have to take her for a walk every time she needs to pee. More exercise. Bonus if it's -20 degrees outside. Extreme cold boosts antioxidants and balances chi.


I kid! I'm really not negative or cynical. It's fun having slightly less fat and a bit more muscle than I used to have. I even trimmed my chest hair to see if I could really see my ribs and the vague outline of a six pack more than before, or if it was just an illusion. It wasn't an illusion. Now I'm all itchy though. How do you gay people manage to keep things hairless without itchiness?

Is that unfair stereotyping?

No. It is not. YOU SHAVE YOUR CHEST BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY.





See also: Dr. Phronk's Weight Loss Challenge.

15 comments:

SharkBoy said...

shaving chest and Madonna both died from the gay world in the mid-90's.
Don't shave your chest Phronk, it's totally hot.

Phronk said...

Austin Powers is hot?

Jennifer said...

You know, everytime I have sex, I get really fat. What is up with that? And the babies? Where are they coming from? I may have to try this weight loss program of yours - sans dog though. That's just too much.

Phronk said...

Hehe...that's quite the mystery you've got there.

Luckily, I'll never have to worry about getting fat from sex ever again. Or any other consequence of sex. Since you need sex for those.

sarah said...

This is an excellent post. Really.

And re: shaving, you don't get itchy after doing it a few times. I don't know about the chest, cause I obvs don't shave there, but yeah... it's itchy at first, but if you keep shaving you get used to it or something.

SharkBoy said...

well, not his teeth...

Steven said...

Try working kray-zee hours, getting home late, and being so tired you have no desire to eat.

I lost two pounds in two weeks!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Man, I totally have been running over the past few weeks and haven't really lost anything.

So unfair. Good to hear you've had success, though!

Phronk said...

Sarah: Thanks! Yeah hopefully it'll itch less next time. Maybe it'd be better if I totally shaved rather than just trimming, but that would look weird and take hours. :)

Sharkboy: But his nappy carpet-like chest is hot? Maybe I should become gay then...girls don't seem to like that as much. It'd be a lot less work.

Steven: Congrats! Overwork and starvation are totally in this year.

AG: Maybe you're gaining muscle weight while you lose fat weight. When it comes to what matters, the scale is a lying bastard.

Sarah said...

Yeah, I would definitely stick to trimming and commit to it if I were you. In the end it will pay off. This is a really weird line of talking over comments.

Dead Robot said...

Short of Star Trek style genetic reconstruction, why fight it? It's going to come back no matter what you do, short of chemical burns.

Trimming is ok. Lots of porn stars trim. Get a nice #2 clipper and go to town. Any less and you'll scratch like a cat in heat.

Phronk said...

Hmm, chemical burns...there's an idea.

Good point though, and trimming is what I'm going to COMMIT to. Because looking like a porn star should be everyone's grooming goal.

Jason said...

This post made me lol. I just got a personal trainer -- signed a contract and everything, then realized that I just "bought" $1800 worth. It better work. Gastric bypass is prob only marginally more expensive.

Phronk said...

Holy shit. That personal training better have a happy ending.

madamerouge said...

I'm with Sharkboy. Hair is back where it belongs: on a man's chest.