Friday, March 28, 2008
42.) Mister Grabby Hands. The hands are the scariest part of the human body. These two lumps of flesh, with five tubular meat sticks protruding from each, are responsible for every knife thrust, every trigger pulled, every inappropriate touch. A recent spree of murders and assaults baffle police, as witnesses report seeing arms reaching in from windows, from doorways, from alleyways, and around corners, but nobody ever sees a body or a face to go with those arms.
After some disturbing scenes (e.g., the cop comes home after a long day at work. He sits down on the couch, closes his eyes, and hears his wife come into the room behind him. She gives him a massage that starts getting increasingly erotic...until he opens his eyes to see two wrinkly, veiny, spotted pale hands reaching from behind the couch for his zipper), the evidence leads to the mansion of an ancient wheelchair-bound billionaire. He's found the secret to making his arms extra stretchy, allowing him to fondle his way around town from the comfort of his own home. The cops try to nab him, but they just can't get past his long grabby hands. Eventually they trick him into sticking his hands into some conveniently placed lava. What they failed to realize is that he also has stretchy stinky yellow-toenailed feet. All hope is lost.
The opportunity for horrible puns in movie reviews make this idea worth pursuing. "Hands down, the worst movie I've seen this year"; "I wish Mr. Grabby would hand me my money back"; "You caught me red-handed: this movie is a guilty pleasure"; "On the other hand, whoever came up with this idea deserves applause"; "I gotta hand it to Anthony Hopkins for his nuanced depiction of Grabby"; "A handy way to put yourself to sleep"; "I can count this movie's merits on one hand"; "I wish I could give this movie the finger"; "Don't pay an arm and a leg to see it"; "It never really grabbed my attention"; "Wave goodbye to the actors' careers"; "A handful of truly frightening scenes" ; "I'd rather do manual labour than watch this movie"; "Two thumbs down"; "Better than Freddy Got Fingered, but not as good as Snatch" ; "Really stretches one's suspension of disbelief"; "It's not going out on a limb to point the finger at Mr. Grabby Hands as the cause of Fantastic Four comics being snatched from store shelves" ; etc.
See also: One Hundred Original Ideas for Horror Movies, #37 - 41