Monday, June 30, 2008

Recipe: Phronk's Vegetarian Indian Thai Pizza

So I get home from the gym writhing with hunger, but I haven't been shopping for a while, so all that's left is bits and pieces left over from exotic meals past. But instead of being afraid to mix ethnicities, I threw those bits and pieces together, into what, one might argue, is the greatest thing that anybody has stuffed into their mouth before (*). Behold:

Phronk's Vegetarian Indian Thai Pizza

1 piece of President's Choice garlic naan bread
1/3rd of a large onion, sliced
1/3rd of a medium sized potato, thinly sliced (boiled if you like it soft, but I like it hard (*))
1 normal sized clove of garlic
1 tablespoon canola oil
1 tablespoon your favourite hot sauce, but not Frank's Red Hot because it SUCKS
3 or 4 tablespoons sour cream
1 tablespoon red curry paste
1 tablespoon fish sauce
1 cup shredded cheese (I used cheddar, but mozza would be good too)

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees Celsius.

2. Saute the onions, garlic, and potatoes in the oil and hot sauce until just slightly brown.

3. Mix the red curry paste and fish sauce into the sour cream until it's a beautiful bright pink colour. Adjust paste/fish sauce/sour cream ratio to taste. Spread the sauce evenly on the naan bread, leaving a bit of room on the edge for a crust. Because it always sucks when pizza has no crust and you have nowhere to hold onto. And eating it with a knife and fork is just wrong.

4. Spread a bit (but not all) of the cheese on top of the sauce.

5. Spoon the onion/garlic/potato mixture onto the bread, making sure each ingredient is evenly distributed.

6. Spread the rest of the cheese on top.

7. Put in oven for about 10 minutes, watching carefully. When it starts getting crispy around the edges, put the oven on broil until the cheese is bubbling and slightly brown.

8. Remove from oven. Let sit for 2 minutes. Cut into slices. Eat.

Serves two. Has no calories because the spice boosts metabolism exactly enough to even them out. Actually seriously tastes really good.

(*) "Insert" penis joke here.

See also: Phronk's "This Tastes So Fucking Awesome" Stuffing-Topped Chicken Vegetable Rice Meal Replacement Casserole Bake

Overheard at Western

Overheard in the University Community Center today:

Girl: Are we talking about the same person?
Guy: Well *I* am.

Thursday, June 26, 2008


The last stop on my trip/vacation was Toronto. I had planned on spending the day there, but that didn't really work out, so I just took the Robert Q directly from the airport. But just because I was only there for an hour doesn't mean I don't have stories to tell you, dear blog readers. No no, I'm determined to blog about something from every city I visited. I'll even make up stories if I have to.

This one is true though. While waiting in the airport, I saw a couple enter the waiting area. The woman was blind. She had a guitar and a walking cane. As they got closer, I saw that the man was deaf, or at least nearly so. He had a big hearing aid device, and whenever the woman talked to him she had to lean way in and speak directly in his ear.

They happened to be on the same bus as me. She asked if she could tune her guitar on the bus, and I was like hell yeah, gives us something to listen to. So she tuned her guitar and quietly practiced while the man read a book. When they both got bored of indulging in their respective senses, she leaned over and asked him to describe the countryside. He whispered about things that are mundane to most people - trees, farms, cows - in her ear.

It was just cute how they complimented each other's shortcomings like that.

This story isn't funny or anything. Oh wait, one thing that was funny was when she went too far in tuning her guitar, and immediately exclaimed "I popped my g string!" Hah.

Fuck You

I think I've been swearing too much lately. Maybe I'm channeling George Carlin's ghost, or maybe it's just because I watch too many videos like this:

She Has A Boyfriend - Watch more free videos

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Pros and Cons of Rogers Home Phone

Dear Roger,

I do not want Rogers Home Phone. As you know, I am already paying you lots of money for a cell phone. Why the hell would I want to pay you more for something I already have? Thus, there is no need to send me letters and flyers almost every single day, literally, telling me how awesome Home Phone is. There is also no need to have your douchebags minions in suits hang out in the lobby of my building, harassing people, asking where they live, and telling me how awesome Home Phone is. It is not awesome; even if I wanted it, it's more expensive and more shitty than other phone alternatives.

Furthermore, if you stopped spending time and resources on futile attempt to sell me horse shit, maybe the rest of your services would suck less. Like how you intentionally slow down internet service for certain activities (something that is blatantly immoral and will probably be illegal soon) and limit how much we can download, then tell us about it 6 months later in a way that tries to make it seem like a good thing. That was nice. And by "nice," I mean it makes you a huge asshole. If I wasn't stuck with you due to your near-monopoly and underhanded 3-year contracts, I would end our relationship immediately.

In conclusion, Roger, you can take your Rogers Home Phone, stick it up your ass, and then you can answer that phone when it rings, and since it's such an awesome service, it'll be just like the caller is right there in your ass, but I'll make sure the caller isn't a person, but a swarm of angry killer bees, and then they will sting you on the inside of your ass.

Have a great day now,
- Phronk

Monday, June 23, 2008

Shit Piss Fuck Cunt Cocksucker Motherfucker Tits

Two stories in the news today:

Draw your own conclusions.

George Carlin is known for being funny, but he's equally brilliant when he's being serious. You don't really hear about modern-day philosophers, but maybe that's because they've been replaced by comedians. Remember the beginning of his classic routine, before he even gets to the swearing:

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for
that thought. So be careful with words.

Something to keep in mind for all you word-pushing bloggers, writers, and talkers.

RIP George Carlin, who can no longer say "I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

Sunday, June 22, 2008


My last major stop on my trip was Halifax, where I presented research at the Canadian Psychological Association convention. The poster was about my research on the relationship between geomagnetic activity and creativity. Basically I found that when the earth's magnetic field is disturbed by funky stuff going on on the sun, people are more creative. So, you know, pretty out-there stuff. Surprisingly, nobody really challenged it and most found it quite interesting. One person asked me if this means that there is something to magnetic bracelets, and I said no, those are a scam and they are stupid. I think maybe she was wearing one so that was insulting, but dude, they're a scam.

Halifax is a beautiful city. I'd love to live there someday (though maybe I'd regret it come winter). Here are some pictures:

Apparently Halifax has the most pubs per capita in North America, and was populated only because residents were promised free booze for a year. My kind of place.

The Keith's brewery is there, obviously.

Alexander Keith, who was a mayor of Halifax in addition to brewing average-tasting beer, is buried in this graveyard:

We saw Anonymous protesting Scientology. One sign said "honk if you oppose Scientology", but I was on a tour bus at the time, so I just sorta made a honking motion in the air. Because seriously, fuck Scientology.

Peggy's cove, a tiny fishing/tourism village just outside Halifax, is gorgeous. Look:

This girl was chasing two ducks and some giant mutant duck-goose-thing in a prom dress. She was laughing as she tortured the poor birds, while other nicely dressed people took pictures. It was all very surreal.

What the fuck is that thing?

Anyway, Halifax was probably my favourite part of the trip, because I did lots of fun things and ate lots of delicious foods and met lots of awesome people. You should go.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Yeah, Copy This One, People

I'm falling for an internet meme!


Now I'm sorta embarrassed because nobody's really been down there in a while, so I wasn't sure what I would find.


And here is me cleaning up afterwards:


Update June 20th: OMG CAT PUBES!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

British Columbia

My family and I went to BC for my grandma's 80th birthday celebrations. My grandma is as sassy as she ever was, and it was awesome seeing that she has so many friends that she hangs out with. I hope that I can still be that social when I'm older, because it seems that for a lot of people, being old can be lonely.

She lives in a gated community where people give dirty looks to anyone they don't recognize. I suppose that's the price you pay for making it slightly more difficult for criminals and hooligans to wander into the neighbourhood.

This is supposed to look like eyeballs.

This was in White Rock, a small place pretty close to Vancouver. However, when you're driving around there, you never really know what city you're in. One minute all the signs say White Rock, the next you see Surrey City Hall, then the Burnaby shopping centre goes by, etc. There's no place where one city ends and the next begins. I guess there are areas like that here (i.e., the GTA), but I'm used to seeing at least a few cows between one town and the next.

Not cows.

BC rained most of the time we were there. So typical of you, BC. Many of the shops along the main strip in White Rock were closed, with signs explaining "closed on Sundays and rainy weekdays". I wish I could stop doing my job every time it rained! Oh wait, I don't have a job. And I usually procrastinate from school if it's rainy. Or too nice out to be doing work. Never mind.

There was one nice day though, on which we went to Crescent Beach.

It was wonderful to just walk around, enjoying the weather and taking a few pictures. There were crabs under most rocks.

And lots of sea shells around. If you picked up a handful of shells and stayed still for a few minutes, many of them would come alive; hermit crabs would emerge from them and scuttle around.

If I was clever, I would have shouted "OMG I'VE GOT CRABS!!!" very loud, then run around and show people my crabs. But I am not clever.

I took this picture of the beach and a cloud, which I think is quite beautiful and artistic:

But reality is uglier than fakery, so I photoshopped it:

You can use it as your computer wallpaper if you pay me $5.00, and/or promise to back me up if I am ever involved in gang warfare.

This is a Betty Boop limo / hearse looking thing for a wedding that was happening on the beach. The driver explained that he rents it out "to weird people."

The trip had many other highlights, such as learning what bum fluff and fairy liquid are, and many good times with family and alcohol. But I will save some stories for boring my real life friends with a narrated slide show.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Montreal was the first stop on my cross-country tour. We went to see Geoff get ordained, so I got to experience the actual religious versions of all the Quebec swearing. Before, I didn't know that the "'ostie" tacked on the end of every sentence when a person from Quebec gets emotional was referring to little flour wafers, but Geoff had a little tub of hosties and they taste pretty good. Crisse, chalice tabarnac 'ostie!!!

In general, it was interesting to see the issues with language that are prevalent in Quebec. Here, language is something that requires no thought; it's a safe assumption that everyone speaks and approves of English. There, every greeting requires a guess as to whether one should say "hello", "bonjour", "hellobonjour", or "bonjourhello". Sure, everyone will probably understand any of them, but the language one starts with will colour the first impression given off, and there is always uncertainty over whether the other person will understand. I often felt a bit bad starting with English, but I don't know if starting with mangled French would be any better (P.S. Education system: you failed me. Thanks for nothing. Sarcramant!)

The city has its own feel to it, with the unique houses with the stairs on the outside and the "mountain" always giving a sense of direction. The subway system is great. It felt almost like a teleportation system; get in the subway station, wait a while, and pop up in a completely different part of the city.

We went to two different bars that made their own beer - one was Brutopia and I forget the other one. Both were delicious and I wish they shipped their beer outside of the bar. Like to my house. Montreal is also famous for its bagels, and those did not disappoint.

Montreal is an awesome city, and I'm looking forward to going back. There is so much to see there that I didn't, like the people who beat each other up with fake weapons while wearing duct tape every Sunday, and I didn't bump into Tornwordo, and I didn't stop by to see my entire family that lives there. Next time.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Signs I Saw on Vacation

I've been on vacation for the last few weeks. I went all over Canada and it was quite fun. I took lots of pictures; I'll post some and tell you all about it later. But you know, I have a real soft spot in my heart for funny signs. Here are some funny signs I saw on vacation:

I don't know why it even needs a sign if a talking pelican wearing a hat will apparently show up and freak out if you even go near it.

This was on Mayne Island, B.C., which is an island so small and barren that there really isn't anything to do other than sit around growing a beard. I'd totally win if I entered this though.

Another funny sign I saw was on the ferry to Mayne Island. In a bathroom stall, someone wrote "sit down and have a 'quatchie'", followed by a drawing of the five rings symbolizing the Olympics.

Also, on a rest stop on the 401 going to Montreal, someone wrote "CHEESE" in big block letters in a bathroom stall. They must really love cheese.

Mayne Island is also full of cougars. [insert joke about old women]

My sisters and I decided to start a bar and grill someday, and call it Two Grills One Cup. It will have unique drinks. We came up with names then tried to create them. Not pictured is the 2nd side of the list, which I don't remember, because honestly, I wasn't sober during much of this vacation.

Oh! But I do remember one of my creations, which Andrea named the Chocolate Rain. It's got lots of Galliano and vodka, and is topped with a layer of Coke, giving it a brown layer that floats on top and sorta rains down into the yellow drink below. It even tastes a bit like chocolate.

Sue's tribute to the Spice Girls.

Chocolate + cherry + beer = delicious.


If paper towel looks like a solid brick around there, I can see why it's causing toilet problems.

An unusual use of the word "rewarded" in Peggy's Cove. This whole sign seems kinda snarky and passive aggressive. You are such a dick, sign.

This is in Halifax. It may not be apparent from the picture, but the evil unicorn's eyes are so yellow they almost glow, peering straight into your soul. Also, it's humping the sign.

Edit: Bonus sign! My sister Facebooked this one in White Rock:

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Coffee of Doom

I'm writing this from a Starbucks in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I've never written anything in a coffee shop before, but it seems to be a thing that real writers do, so here I am.

This vacation has been awesome, but I gotta point out one thing about traveling in today's world. More and more, every place I go looks almost the same. This Starbucks has a pretty sweet fireplace and no breakfast sandwiches, but other than that, I might as well be in London. I drive down any major street in any decent-sized city, and it's Wal Mart, McDonalds, Starbucks, Pet Smart, CIBC, Starbucks, some generic family restaurant chain, Starbucks, another family restaurant chain, etc., repeat. Any major street corner plaza could be constructed, and probably be successful, by putting the names of big franchised businesses into a hat and pulling a dozen out.

One of the most fundamental laws of the universe is that entropy constantly increases. Things get more spread out, random, arbitrary. Less meaningful. Us humans like to think of ourselves and our society as an exception to this law, getting around it due to the open vs. closed system loophole in nature, as we get more organized, and our lives becoming more meaningful. But maybe that's not entirely true.

Maybe the future of human civilization is every restaurant collapsing together into a Kelsey's-flavoured mass; every coffee shop mixing into a super-grande cup of Starbucks. Then, like milk poured in coffee will eventually spread out randomly until it's just a beige sludge, each type of business, represented by a single brand, will randomly disperse throughout the world. The "character" of a city will be determined purely by chance fluctuations in its mix of businesses.

The fact that you can already get a hot cup of Starbucks coffee on every corner of every city is an early warning sign that the heat death of human civilization is near.

Mmm, coffee.