Thursday, August 07, 2008

Straight to DVD, Straight to Awesome

Do you realize how many movies get made? The handful of new releases in theaters are just a sampling of the movies released each week. I'm talking about the straight-to-DVD crap that you never hear about before it comes out, and probably never hear about after it comes out unless your eyes happen to wander past the one copy on the bottom shelf at Blockbuster.

Here are some of these rare gems released in August so far:

So we've got weird low-budget horror movies, what looks like a kid's version of Rambo, a creepy Chinese robot, sequels to movies that probably shouldn't have sequels (one of which we're told is an ALL NEW MOVIE, just in case you miss the number "2" there), and...well, you've probably heard of Postal, but I think it's appropriate to mock Uwe Boll movies whenever given the chance.

Now, one's reaction may be, "Why do they even get made? Who the hell actually rents or buys these movies?" The answer is, my parents rent movies like this. Whenever I go over to their place, I find stacks of these unrecognizable movies. If there is one semi-known actor in a movie, or it looks good from the back cover, they'll rent it. And apparently sometimes they're pretty good. Since almost every movie in theaters is either a sequel or a remake or crap, maybe they're onto something.

How bad can "Triloquist" be? It's already got one compelling mystery going for it: where did the "ven" go? Look, a synopsis:

This is that old coming-of-age tale of two wide-eyed siblings who go on a life-changing road trip to Las Vegas, taking nothing with them but a creepy dummy that appears to be alive, some loaded weapons, and their own twisted and dangerous psychoses. It's the kind of simple, straight story that rekindles the nostalgia of your youth. Renowned horror director and creepy-little-monster lover Mark Jones (LEPRECHAUN, RUMPLESTILTSKIN) writes and directs this horror-comedy.

As far as creepy-little-monster movies go, that sounds pretty good. Maybe even better than your average Natalie Portman movie. ZING! Get it? Because she's short? And ugly?


Anonymous said...

whomever thought it was a good idea to make a Third Starship Troopers should be shot, the second one was bad enough

Phronk said...

I really liked the first one, but yeah, I have no desire to see sequels.

Jenn said...

hey, not everything that goes straight to dvd is crap! like the sequel to that cheerleading movie "bring it on" hmm i think it was called bring it on again or something...
okay point taken.

Unknown said...

Starship Troopers 3?? When did Starship Troopers 2 happen?

and Triloquist is such a simple old coming of age story, that I may *have* to rent it.. cause you know we can all relate to it..

Dead Robot said...

I had hopes for CJ7 only because Kung Fu Hustle was so incredibly awesome.

Son of Rambow actually made it to some "art house theatres" here in Toronto but was gone within the week, I think.

Wesley Snipes in anything = pay back IRS.

Phronk said...

Jenn: Hey, don't forget about Bring it On: All Or Nothing, and Bring it On: In it to Win. The first one was actually pretty awesome though.

Sunmyst: True. I think we've all been touched, directly or indirectly, by the tragedy of murderous mannequins.

DR: I actually do wanna see CJ7. Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer were friggin amazing. But that robot thing looks creepy as hell.

Anonymous said...

Stephen Chow's movies are great. Like Dead Robot said, Kung Fu Hustle is awesome, as well as Shaolin Soccer. CJ7 however got a bad review on the Totally Rad Show, which lowers expectations.

Starship Troopers 2, however, has to be on the list of all-time worst movies ever made. Couldn't possibly do any worse by making a third.

Triloquist sounds like Fear & Loathing, but with a puppet.

Anonymous said...

You have to remember though, some of the asian movies that are straight to DVD here aren't necessary straight to DVD in Hong Kong, Japan, Korea or China.

Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer, God of Cookery are Stephen Chow movies that all were in theatres in HK. And, you can't forget his early stuff either, Saint of Gamblers. Talk to a chinese kid born in the 1980s, and you'll get a chunk of hilarious movies bye Stephen Chow, Jackie Chan and Jet Li (and a whole lot more).

Okay, yeah, when did Starship Troopers two come out? And man, I remembered Cruel Intentions, and I heard that the sequel to that was crap.

Anonymous said...

Rambow got incrediby good reviews (and got a limited US release).