Wednesday, October 01, 2008


I'm having one of those days where I woke up sick (for the first time in about 10 months! I was beginning to think I was Bruce Willis in Unbreakable), and even though I'm feeling better now, I'm still using "I'm sick" as an excuse to do as little work as possible.

Also, I can see Best Buy over at Masonville from my office window. It always taunts me. "Come buy a video game and play it!" it says. "I think it's time for a new iPod and a faster computer," it tells me.

It's raining though, so I think I'll stay right here and procrastinate. But then my (old) iPod starts playing songs that put ideas in my head. "Hey Mike," says my iPod, it says "instead of working, why not compile a playlist of songs about masturbation?" Fine, iPod, fine.
  • Green Day - Longview
  • Mr. Bungle - The Girls of Porn
  • Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
  • Cyndi Lauper - She Bop
  • Peter Gabriel - Shock the Monkey
  • The Divynils - I Touch Myself
  • Michael Jackson - Beat It

On a related note, Elvis Costello's "Pump it Up" is totally impossible on drums in Rock Band 2.

These are only a handful of songs off the top of my head. Can you think of any more? I hope to compile a complete list of every self-lovin' song ever created then publish it in an academic journal.

But until then, head over to my station to hear the fruits of my labour.


Jennifer said...

Icicle - Tori Amos

Anonymous said...

"Beat It" by MJ is fucking amazing.

sarah said...

you masturbated after this to Green Day, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU???

Only thing that pops to mind is Tuitty Fruitty, but that is about gay sex.

Anonymous said...

Turning Japanese by The Vapors

Phronk said...

Jen: Nice one! Mixing masturbation with disdain for religion is always gold.

Bee: Yeah, and TOTALLY about jerking off.

Sarah: Actually, I masturbated to Cyndi Lauper in the Goonies R Good Enough video while LISTENING to Green Day. Like 3 times, too. And I thought you were kidding about Tutti Frutti, but I looked it up.

Jack: It's offensive that you'd think that's about masturbation. Racist.

tornwordo said...

Wasn't that song "relax don't do it, when you wanna get to it, relax don't do it, when you wanna come, when you wanna come" about that. I forget the band's name.

Phronk said...

Frankie Goes to Hollywood. I thought of that, but I don't think anyone is sure what the "it" is.

I've heard that in an interview, when asked what we shouldn't do, the lead singer replied "don't relax, of course."

Ubersehen said...

She Don't Use Jelly, by the Flaming Lips. At least one of the verses is about masturbation anyway. For added fun, try out Ben Folds Five's cover of the same tune.

Phronk said...

Nice! That's one I'd never heard.

P.S. Long time no see.

Ubersehen said...

Hey yeah, it has been a while.

All of a sudden I got out of university, got married, and got my first teaching gig, and suddenly whiz-bang-smash, there goes all my computer time. Also, internet in Saudi Arabia typically sucks balls, so that hinders things a bit. Hoping to be a little more active in bloggy-land this year as I master the fine art of time management.

Phronk said...

Congrats on all the goodness man. Sounds like you've got enough going on that you don't need to be engaged in the often (but not always) time-wasting activity of blogging, but it'd be good to see you blogging and commenting again. Dani's blog has been quiet and boring lately. I wonder if there are any other crazy bloggers to debate.

Ubersehen said...

Hey, every stage comes with its own angst and issues. Plus, I've always really enjoyed blogging... it does a lot to help sharpen the old reasoning skills if you do it right, I think. I'd have to agree, though. Dani's blog has been fairly lame. She's almost entirely devoted to her abortion issue what with that new bill her over-zealous pals are trying to jam down the state's throat being on the table right now and all. *Snooze*

Jennifer said...

I was listening to my itunes while making my vast family a hearty dinner of KD and I can't beleive I forgot The Stroke by Billy Squier. Love that song.