Tuesday, April 29, 2008

GTA4OMG


In HMV today, I was behind a very old couple, who were asking about the Wii game Bully. The girl working at the counter was explaining to them that it's really not all that violent or controversial of a game when you actually play it. The best part was that the old couple totally seemed to get it, and ended up buying the game, presumably as a gift for someone (but who knows; the Wii is breaking down age barriers). When I went to pay, she told me that she loves explaining video games to old people. We talked about how Bully is awesome, and the controversy over it, and similar games, is silly, but only sells more copies in the end. I probably should have developed a crush on this nerdy HMV girl, but alas, I was very hungry and thus unable to think of anything but food.

Of course, this is all very timely, with the big game in the news right now being Grand Theft Auto 4. The media is making a big deal out of it as usual (see this, this). I don't really see where the issue is. It's a mature-rated game, like hundreds of others, that yes, will probably be played by kids anyway. So?

Oh, well, this one has better graphics than others in the series, so it'll be more influential on fragile minds. But hey, you know what else has amazing graphics? Television. And movies. They almost look real sometimes! So why hasn't society crumbled under the morally corrupting influence of The Sopranos?

I've only played GTA 4 for a few hours (which is a lot more than some assholes commenting on games they've never seen or played), but so far, it's pretty mild compared to a lot of TV and movies. It's really not senseless exploitation either. It's a well-written story, told in a well-designed video game, that includes violence as part of its subject matter.

I think the escalating controversy over video games is partly due to their rise as a legitimate art form. Just look at Blockbuster, where GTA 4 will be displayed on the new release wall alongside movies. And even if the content is less extreme than in other forms of media, people get nervous just because it's wrapped in a new package. I imagine similar complaining happened during the jump from radio to TV. I know it happened when comics became popular. They got over it.

Human interest in the dark side of life isn't going away any time soon, so it will be reflected in whatever media we use to express ourselves. And it's a good thing our forms of media are becoming more sophisticated, because remember, we used to watch real people murder each other for entertainment. No matter how much those red pixels on the screen look like real-life violence, they're still just pixels.

-----

See also: Murder good, nipple bad.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Light My Fire

There ain't nothin' better than sittin' around a roarin' camp fire on a cool summer night, drinkin' and eatin' cheese-filled Grill'ems.



The best part is that your coat smells like camp fire for days afterwards. Such a good smell.

Plans for today include hung-over proctoring. I forgot to bring a book or Nintendo DS for something to do, so I'll either be really intense in weeding out the cheaters, or more likely, will end up staring into space and sniffing my coat for 3 hours. Good times either way.

-----

See also: Sarah's Handy Tips for Proctoring "Invigilating"

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Lost Tapes


I haven't been as geeky as I like to be lately. Being busy with school and other stuff, I just haven't been able to keep up with the world of video games, movies, TV, etc. A nice example of this is when I was at the gym (a decidedly ungeeky place to be), and saw a promo for a new episode of Lost on the TVs there. I thought to myself, "hey self, look at that, Lost is coming back. Must be in a few weeks, because self, you're a geek and would have heard about it if it was any time soon." But then the promo ended with the words "RIGHT NOW."

I immediately questioned my loyalty to the geek race. I got off that mind-warping elliptical trainer and scurried home just as fast as I could. How dare my commitment to health and beauty outweigh my commitment to science fiction?

Luckily my DVR remembered to tape (*) it. And even though I was so tired I could pass out if I blinked, I watched that damn episode, and it was fucking awesome. Seriously, this show was slowing down for a while last season, but it's really better than ever now. I think Michael Emerson (as Ben) is one of the best actors on TV these days. He can take lines that would otherwise be bland and fill them with creepy ambiguity. I was almost going to put a picture of him here, but sorry, Kate is hotter.

******

(*) Tape? I guess it's not taping any more, without, you know, a tape. I bet we're at a point where kids don't even know what the hell VCRs or tapes (either audio or video) are any more. They'll never know the frustrations of setting up a tape and VCR every single week so they don't miss their favourite show. Or the joy of carefully planning a mix tape with just the right songs, in just the right order, ending up at just the right length, then finding just the right spot on the source tape to get a song off it (or waiting for it to come on the radio, even), listening all the way through each song as it records, while printing up the track listing on the cassette case, and writing up a hand-written note to go along with it, hoping that just maybe that special someone will be impressed. Now a mix of songs only requires typing their names in iTunes, clicking the boxes beside them, and clicking "burn" or "save." More convenient I guess, but there was something magical about the amount of effort required before.

I feel old now, but at least I'm geeky again.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

See Food

Sometimes blogging seeps into real life. Like yesterday, when I took pictures of food, and my friend was like "are you gonna put this on your blog?", and I was like "yes." Well, a promise is a promise.

This is now a trendy hipster blog where I post pictures of my everyday life and food.

We went to Green Tea (which sunmyst actually recommended last time I blabbed about food) to brainstorm about a top secret upcoming video game project that will take the world by storm. It was twenty bucks for all you can eat sushi. Here, we're partway through the first round:



It was all delicious (except for the glaring omission of choctopus). The sushi pizza was huge and tasty, and there was a mystery food referred to only as "Arctic", which turned out to be a highlight.



This is after most of the second round. We ate a lot of food. That little ball thing is a custard ball, which was surprisingly tasty. I downed 3 of those cocksuckers. No food was wasted, which is good, given Green Tea's motto:



While we ate, I Am Legend was playing on big screens. Because nothing sets the dinner mood better than a horror movie.

This is a very heavy traffic cone:



I was going to take a picture of the side of my building, because it is very ominous looking. Then I could show it to people in real life, and post it for people here, and they'd be like "dude, you really live there? That's a very ominous place." But really, it's only ominous from the side.

That's when my phone ran out of memory, though. So please, just use your imagination to guess what the picture would have looked like, and also imagine the hilarious yet poignant caption that would have gone with it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Beer : Statistics :: Peas : Carrots



I once got drunk while "studying" the night before a major exam in statistics. Normally this would not be something to be proud of, but the fact is, despite the morning headache, my mind was clear of distractions and all that wonderful statistical knowledge flowed onto the paper just as smoothly as the beer flowed into my belly the night before. I aced the exam and secured my future in psychology. (This is a story that my friend Nick likes to tell whenever someone mentions exams and drinking in the same sentence).

It turns out there is a very good reason that beer and statistics go together like birds of a feather. The study of statistics has been linked with beer since its early history. Anyone with basic stats knowledge has heard of Student's t-distribution, often used to tell if two groups are different from each other on some measure. Student was the pen name of William Sealy Gosset, a statistician working in Dublin. The dude chummed with some of the more familiar names in stats, like Pearson and Fisher.

The thing is, Gosset didn't give a shit about discovering the inner workings of the mind by poking and prodding samples of unsuspecting humans. No, Gosset just wanted to use mathematics to brew tasty beer. He worked for the Guinness brewery, applying statistical knowledge to growing and brewing barley. Guinness wanted to protect this powerful secret knowledge from competitors, so Gosset was forced to publish under a fake name, and apparently more math-creative than naming-creative, chose the name "Student."

So that's how Student's t-distribution was born. And that's why having a few pints of Guinness before a major stats exam should be encouraged. Even if it results in failure - and it probably will - mention to the prof that it was a tribute to the long and fascinating history of beer and statistics. That's gotta be worth a few bonus marks.


.....


P. S. I hope you noticed the subtle normal curve in the picture of the Guinness up there. That took some serious Photoshop skills you know.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Candy Cupcakes


Last night I had a dream about John Candy. He was on a late-night infomercial promoting a set of paper cupcake liners. The cupcakes he was making looked absolutely delicious, with frosting and nuts and everything. But then he suddenly choked and/or had a heart attack and died. The show cut to an interview with Candy, where he explained that it had all been a hoax. I'm impressed by my brain's eerie sense of foreshadowing and clever pun with "Candy" selling cupcakes.

I woke up this morning and came across The 7 Greatest Home Shopping Screw Ups of All Time.

Coincidence? Or the psychic ghost of John Candy haunting my dreams?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Eternal Success and Happiness

I don't have time to blog. Here is why:
  • I have a 15 page research proposal due tomorrow. I wasn't joking before...it's actually about horror movies, and actually pretty genius. George Romero and Sam Raimi and Robert Rodriguez are totally gonna hire me and give me millions of dollars to give them advice.
  • I also have to mark papers all day every day. The sad truth is that more than half of them will never get picked up by the students who wrote them, and nobody will see my extremely useful comments. The ones that do, though...man, with my advice, those people are going places.
  • I have been very busy not enjoying the wonderful weather outside, and instead doing things like moving heavy furniture in it all day (which is better than moving in snow or rain, but still), and looking longingly out the window as I mark and write papers.
  • I wrote a very bitter blog post, but it sorta sucked because I'm not used to being bitter, so I didn't post it. Maybe tomorrow.
  • I've managed to fit some drinking in there, and it's not good to drink and blog.


Oh, and Sarah told me that my comments section here on the blog didn't allow anonymous comments before, which totally isn't the way I wanted it, so I fixed it. Now all you anonymous stalkers, who I know are out there reading my blog every single day, can leave anonymous comments! I don't care if they're mean; just let it out. It's OK. You can also ask for advice, because I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my advice is very useful and will bring you eternal success and happiness.


Edit: Oops I almost forgot...happy 4/20!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Bonus Time

One of my favourite things in life is when you find bonus time. Like if you thought an hour of your time would be taken up with something, but then you no longer have to do it, so it's like your day just got one hour longer.

This happens to me when someone doesn't show up to an experiment I'm supposed to be running. I could focus on the fact that I wasted 15 minutes waiting for them, and I'll have to spend another hour sometime in the future to replace them, but screw that! In the short term, it's an extra hour.

Yesterday it was beautiful outside, so I spent my bonus hour taking the bus way too far past my stop, then walking until I found something interesting. I found myself in Coffee Culture on Richmond. It's a new coffee franchise that's sorta like Starbucks but sorta not. I got an iced cappuccino and it was pretty damn tasty. Plus they have free WiFi, so I could work on my paper about zombies and (vampires) somewhere other than my boring old usual desk.

I should find some friends next time, though. I always feel like a lonely douchebag taking up a whole table by myself. Nobody likes a lonely douchebag.

Every coffee shop (and there are so many in London now...like one on every block. It's trying to be like a big city I guess) should have WiFi. Starbucks should be able to afford it, with their $5.00 coffees. Starbucks, you can be a real douchebag sometimes.

I just really like writing "douchebag" today.

OMG YOU GUYS LOOK THIS COFFEE HAS A DOG IN IT!!!!!!



(stolen from here.)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Mystery Spoon

As I've said before, I've dropped a few belt sizes lately. Literally. My belt doesn't fit any more and my pants keep falling down.

I tried hammering a nail through the belt, but it was much too strong. I was proud of it for being such a tough little belt. A knife finally got through it, but that's OK, not many belts can withstand a knife. You're still my favourite belt, belt.

On a related note, I am glad that Ali won The Biggest Loser. She looked pretty damn good at the end of it.

On an unrelated note, there was an extra spoon in my dishwasher this morning. It looks different from my other spoons, and I have no idea where it came from. I can't even imagine a situation where I'd bring someone else's spoon to my place. Tupperware I borrow all the time, sure, but spoons? IRL friends: Did anyone leave a spoon at my apartment? I need to know or I will go crazier than I have already gone.

Some people think they're the shit because they can bend spoons with their mind. My dishwasher can create entire spoons out of thin air. You go, dishwasher.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

(Blog).

I barely slept at all last night, but I'm really quite happy about it.

The morning brought a wonderful surprise; my faux leather magazine organizer has shipped and will arrive at Zellers soon! I can't wait!

I started some research for a school paper / possibly my dissertation. Came across this article:



I'm always a fan of the single word in brackets. It sorta says "the title of my dissertation isn't really important, but yeah, it's about vampires. Period."

My thesis will not be about vampires. Zombies are where all the grant money's at these days.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Art

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I draw pictures of cute fuzzy animals, and then I feel better.



Oh, this is certainly a happy little fellow! I don't quite trust his smile though.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I Am a Cooking Legend

This is now a food blog.

Last night we went to Hong Ping for dinner. I'd never heard of the place before, but OMG you guys, it was really good. Look how much flippin' food we got:



Food always looks gross in pictures, but it was delicious. Each plate was just over $10 (except Nick's expensive duckfish) and could probably serve 2 people. There's a giant bowl of soup in the background there, too, and another dish came later. I was still full in the morning and I skipped breakfast. I SKIPPED THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY.

Tonight I baked the most awesome cheesy chicken bake you've ever seen. It had lots of chicken, mushrooms, onion, broccoli, carrots, & cauliflower, all simmered in a delicious cream-of-mushroom-and-garlic cheese & cream sauce, and topped with a crispy layer of turkey stuffing and more cheese. You should've seen it. If you saw it, you'd be all like "that is the most delicious cheesy chicken bake casserole thing I have ever seen." Then you'd be all like "your domestic skills make you very attractive. Wanna go make out a little?" And I'd probably say yes, but only for you.

I watched I Am Legend as I stuffed myself for the 2nd time in 24 hours. It was pretty good, with some pretty powerful scenes. But, as I suspected, the movie is nothing at all like the book except for the basic concept. They might as well have given it a completely different title, then briefly mentioned the book in the opening credits, like The Last Man on Earth and The Omega Man (both based on I Am Legend) did before. Especially since the very reason for the title is completely different in the book than it is in the movie's theatrical ending. Speaking of which, don't watch the theatrical ending. It's retarded. The alternate ending, which is on the Blu-ray and special edition DVD, is much better. It actually follows from the rest of the movie...which is always nice in an ending.

With the alternate ending it's a good movie on its own (even despite the shitty CG). Still, one day I'd like to see a real adaptation of the book. Maybe the fourth time's a charm.

Uh oh. I think I have to go to the bathroom now. Goodbye.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Book Review: Haunted, by Chuck Palahniuk


In Chuck Palahniuk's world, nothing is what it seems. Something sinister lurks behind the scenes of everything ordinary. Homelessness, feng shui, those dolls you practice CPR on, talk shows; they're not what they seem to be. It's an interesting place to visit, but you wouldn't wanna live there. That's what makes Haunted - a collection of bite-size chunks of story - such a perfect window into Chuck Palahniuk's world.

Haunted squishes together short stories, poems, and a novel in a semi-coherent fashion. There is an overarching story, but it's really not the main attraction. It's the short stories, presented as if they were written by the characters in the main story, that really shine here; and by "shine", I mean "make you gasp, barf, and possibly faint." They're horrific, but for the most part, not in a supernatural way; this is all real-world horror. Palahniuk claims that many of them are true. At the same time, though, they are so over the top that they must be exaggerated beyond recognition. At least, that's what you gotta tell yourself, because like I said, Chuck Palahniuk's world is not the one you want to be living in.

He ends the book with an autobiographical story about the power of books, and their freedom and necessity in a world of mass media. It's both inspirational and frightening. If you are looking for a book that can affect you in ways that television and movies never do - though not always in a good way - then look no further than Haunted.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Good Cause

Willow is over today, and Ashli got me thinking about how to help dogs, so I went over to The London Humane Society's web site and discovered something awesome.

You can donate to The London Human Society with HBC Rewards points. To any individual person, these things are useless anyway. I've had my HBC card since long before it switched from being "Club Z". Yet, in 10-15 years of occasional shopping at Zellers and hundreds of dollars spent on Mac makeup at The Bay (as gifts for girls of course....yes...gifts), here is the complete list of wonderful rewards I could obtain:



Yay?

So screw that. My points are useless to me. With lots of people donating their points to the Humane Society, though, they add up and can probably net some stuff that's actually useful. Stuff that could improve or save an animal's life. You can donate any percentage of points you want, and you can do it all online right here. If you're not in London, you can donate to your local humane society. (I'm seeing mostly Canada on there, but you people in the US probably don't know what the fuck HBC is and stopped reading two paragraphs ago anyway).

Unfortunately, you can't donate points already earned. To keep them from going to waste, then, I'd better order that magazine holder. It'd go good beside the toilet for some bathroom reading. I've never understood that, since I eat lots of fiber, but maybe guests would enjoy it, and the faux leather would certainly spruce up the bathroom's style.

But seriously, dear blog readers...though I hate being preachy, this is something that can do some good for virtually no effort.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Soap

I have become bored with depression, so I will now be happy.

This is now a positive thinking self-improvement blog.

Here are some positive things about my life:
  • I don't have to close the bathroom door when I pee.
  • I can be selfish with my time and energy. I can eat whenever I want. I can sleep whenever and wherever I want. I can spend a whole evening writing or drawing or working out, if I want to. Or I can spend it playing Guitar Hero in my underwear.
  • I also have more free time and energy. I can devote it to improving myself; doing better in school, getting in good shape, and generally making myself really really good looking so maybe one day I can have someone else to devote quality time and energy toward.
  • It's getting nice outside (although, seriously people, it's not nice enough for tank tops and short shorts quite yet.)
  • I don't have to feel the least bit guilty when I check out a pretty girl's bottom.


...

Today I saw Stuart Chandler from All My Children walking out of St. Joseph's hospital. Now, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "are you sure it wasn't Adam Chandler? They're twins you know". But no, it was definitely Stuart. They totally look different.

Something about spring must bring out the celebrities.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Movie Review: The Omega Man

Since Charleton Heston died recently, I decided to dig out one of his old movies, The Omega Man, from my collection of movies I bought then never opened.



The movie is based on Richard Matheson's novella I Am Legend, as long as you are pretty flexible with the term "based on." It's more like taking the book, having the movie start toward the end of it, then making up what happens afterwards. Oh, and completely changing the entire premise. Oh, and adding funky 70s music over the whole thing.

Speaking of which, there is an awesome 70s cheesiness throughout. It's lovely to see Heston shooting vampires that wear sparkly cloaks, while sporting his own old-school fashion.





There's also some hilarious racial stereotypes. I thought this, too, was due to the movie being created in the 70s. However, on the DVD there is an introduction where the creators, today, talk about the movie. One of the writers says, "it was my idea to make Lisa black [...] I really wanted to add some racial pizzazz." Way to tear down barriers.

But I gotta say, Charleton Heston is great in this movie. He is such a lady's man. You would totally bang him.

I cannot fully recommend The Omega Man, though, because every time I say the title, I think of this:



It's very confusing.

Monday, April 07, 2008

This One's Not Worth the Effort

Woke up at 6:30 this morning to a fire alarm. Apparently there is someone who intentionally sets it off a few times a month.

I knew there would have to be something wrong with this place.

Spent most of the day being mopey and depressed because of various stuff. And being tired. No human should be awake before the sun is.

On the way home, I was passing a slow-walker on a path. Some dude on a bike said to me, "stay on the right side of the fuckin' path". He apparently didn't see the irony of saying this at the exact moment that he was passing me, passing the slow-walker, on the extreme left side of the path. I laughed at him. Good one, angry biker.

I took a different route home than I usually take. I saw parts of the city I've never seen before. I swear I saw George Lucas shoveling a large pile of snow from a driveway. It's like 20 degrees outside and it's barely snowed in weeks, so I don't know where that snow came from. Or what George Lucas is doing here.

That cheered me up immensely.

Here is George Lucas rubbing Natalie Portman's head:



-----

See also: Sidewalk Etiquette.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Ugly Egg Cake

When I got back from studying in North Carolina for a few months, my awesome friends held a party to welcome me back. They also baked me a cake.

It had an unusual shape; round, but tapering on one side more than the other. It was completely smooth and white.

My friends insisted that I be the one to cut the first piece. I did so, slowly. The knife went through the first few layers like it would through a normal cake. But as it got close to the center, it got easier to cut, then hard again, as it hit something tough. I sliced once more, then pulled the piece of cake out.

Inside, I saw that the middle was filled with a gooey custard centre. There was also something sticking out of it. A little rubbery orange thing that appeared to be oozing red stuff.



I said: "Is that...a chicken?"

And then it all came together. The cake was a giant egg, with yolk and a bloody dead chicken inside.



No, it wasn't real, but I damn well thought it was at first. The red food colouring really sold it.



And as with all of our ugly cakes, except for the rubber chicken, it was completely edible and delicious.

Mmm mmm.

I also found pictures of two other ugly cakes. I'll post those sometime soon.


See also: Other Ugly Cakes.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

...

More fun facts for my new medical advice / food blog:
  • Cheese is just carefully rotted milk.
  • Honey is just bee vomit.

So when people call other people "honey", they're really just calling them bee puke. So, you see, it really, really sucks to have someone to call "honey." Really sucks.

Rea-r-r-r....BAAAWWWWWW I'M SO ALONE

Friday, April 04, 2008

A Skeptical Look at Yogurt

This is now a medical blog.

I hate yogurt commercials. I'm not a big fan of yogurt itself either, aside from it being one of the funniest-sounding words in the English language. Yet, the other day, I went to pick up some groceries, I was really hungry, I wanted something healthy, and I was in a hurry, so some sort of implicit association kicked in and I got some Activia yogurt.

There are a bunch of buzz words with yogurt like Activa that they blab about in the commercials, calling it pre-biotic, pro-biotic, mo' biotic, whatever. I decided to look into what this actually means.

The horrible commercials clearly imply that eating this bacteria-infested yogurt will help you lose weight. In one of them, two people are sitting down in workout clothing talking about yogurt. One of them has sciency-looking animations orbiting around her skinny belly. As if sitting there eating yogurt is the equivalent of a full workout, infusing science into your belly and melting away fat. The commercial asks you to take the "14 day challenge" (*). What are you challenged to do? Well, buy lots of yogurt and chow down for 2 weeks, of course!

Let's go to their web site to see how they back up their claims. Ahh, ok, so probiotic cultures are literally little living organisms that survive in your gut after you swallow them. Gross...but I guess we always have living beasties in there anyway. But how do the magical health benefits work? Oh, here we go:



Oookay. So it works by, um, working. Then something about balance.



Oh look! A hot chick in a lab coat! Perhaps she can tell us more.



Ok, so we need some of these bacteria. Of course, it doesn't actually say that eating this yogurt is the only source of them. Or a good source. The leap to eating it every single day might be a bit of a stretch.

But what do they actually do? Does having lots of these bugs in your gut help you lose weight like the ads imply? Let's go to the section devoted to information on probiotic cultures. Oh, look, they link to an external web site all about them - www.probiotic.ca - to learn more. A third party must be a legitimate source of information, since they won't fabricate hard scientific data just to sell more yogurt.

Now, I'm not making this up; here is the sole source of information on probiotic.ca:



Seriously. The only working link is "watch." If you do, it's a disturbing video with smiling animated bacteria worming their way around the human digestive system.



Here they are packing their bags and leaving out of someone's anus, along with a giant turd. Again, I'm not making this up.

Oh, and look who owns that web site. Danone. Makers of Activia. So it's basically the world's most disturbing propaganda video.

Back to Danone's main site. Here is what they claim the point of eating Activia is:

Why is Activia® yogurt such a great choice?

* It is the only yogurt to contain unique BL RegularisTM specifically selected by Danone researchers.
* BL RegularisTM is scientifically proven and clinically tested to survive passage through the digestive system, arriving into the large intestine as a live culture that stays active.
* Activia® can truly be called a "yogurt with an active probiotic culture" because of the unique, additional friendly bacteria it contains: BL RegularisTM.
* It tastes great - consumers ranked Activia® highest among yogurts for flavour and creaminess in Danone taste tests! (Source: Cintech, July 2003)
* It is available in twelve delicious flavours.


To sum up: It tastes good, and it puts living organisms in your belly. Hey, neat, but I could replace "BL RegularisTM" with "dirt", and it really wouldn't be any more or less convincing. Wow, it's the only yogurt with dirt, it maintains its pebbly nature in the digestive system, and tastes great! Uh, so what?

There's still no mention of weight loss here. No mention of any benefits at all.

Let's just go to the "Scientific Proof" section. Finally, we get to a small handful of actual scientific studies done on this stuff. The main conclusion? It helps old people and people with intestinal problems have reduced "intestinal travel time." In other words, if you have trouble shitting regularly, it will help you shit.

Nothing about weight loss. And more importantly, regarding normal people, I quote, "In subjects with a normal transit time, no marked change or risk of diarrhea was observed." Note: no marked change.

The bottom line is, unless you are having bowel problems, it won't do anything. If you are, it might make you more regular. And it probably won't give you diarrhea.

I guess all the stupidness of the commercials and the vague claims on the web site make sense now. They were dancing around the fact that all these fancy words really don't mean much. And "it probably won't give you diarrhea" wasn't a very catchy slogan.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on this stuff. It actually does taste pretty good, and even if it has no special benefits, all yogurts are healthy low-calorie foods in general. But I see no reason to go out of my way to get yogurt specifically because it has probiotic cultures in it, nor to pay more for it. Also, it is downright deceptive to clearly imply that the stuff helps with weight loss, when no such benefit has been demonstrated. Danone can take their bacteria and shove them back up their extremely regular asses.






Footnotes:

(*) Of course, the yogurt expires before the 14 days are up, so you gotta have more than one per day, share some, or waste some and buy another pack in 10 days.

Oh, but if you need help with the challenge, there's another web site for that:



Jesus Christ! Do we really need a support group to eat a cup of yogurt?


Thursday, April 03, 2008

One Month Out

This is now an emo blog where I become very complainy and whine about my problems.

As most people reading this know, my life is in a state of change right now. It's been about a month since I got, for all intents and purposes, divorced. Now I'm living on my own and starting a new life and all that. Just like Balki Bartokomous.

For the first month it was novel and new and mostly enjoyable. Now that that's worn off, I've partly gotten used to it, but I'm also starting to miss things.

I miss my dog, Willow, a lot. Looking at pictures of her makes me so happy and so sad at the same time.





I don't know how people live through divorces with their human kids. No wonder a lot of old people get cranky and unpleasant. Note to self: Don't let that happen.

Of course, I also miss V. (I wonder if she still reads this. Hi?) We both know that splitting was for the best, but that doesn't make her any less of an awesome person, nor does it mean that I didn't love being with her.

I also miss the idea of being with someone. This is probably what all single people feel like once in a while, but since it's been six fucking years since I was last single, to me it's like I'm regressing into an emotional teenager. I've got a newfound craving for human contact. Hence this blog's recent updatedness, which, even though it's just words on a screen and I don't take it all too seriously, is genuinely social in some sense.

OMG I LOVE YOU GUYS

Um yeah. But I'm fine. And not just in the sense that crazy people are always like "I'm fine. Deep breaths. I'm fine. No, stop staring, I'm fine. Deep breaths." No, I'm fine. I'm not depressed or anything, I've got wonderful friends and family (hi friends and family), and it's almost spring. And like I said, I'm determined to not let myself get bitter. Life always has its shitty parts, but it's the awesome parts that make it worth living.

You can take that last sentence and put it on a motivational poster if you'd like.




Sometimes the world looks perfect: Nothing to rearrange.

Sometimes you get a feeling like you need some kind of change.

No matter what the odds are this time, nothing’s going to stand in my way.

This flame in my heart, and a long lost friend.

Gives every dark street a light at the end.

Staaaaaaanding taaaaaaaall, on the wings of my dream.

Riiiiiiiiiise and faaaaaaall, on the wings of my dream.


Wednesday, April 02, 2008

More Search Terms Used to Find Phronk.com


  • what is your vagina suppose to look like


  • vigina eating man horror


  • the little mermaid porn


  • Tony Shaffer porn

  • fetus cake


  • characteristic of rage




  • "phronk.com"
    (did you really need Google to find the address?)




  • Dr. Jason McCargar


  • meaning and origin of bovine


  • do hamsters play dead?
    (Awww. All I can imagine is a little kid finding their hamster lying there, unmoving and lifeless. "Hamsters play dead all the time, right dad?" "I'm busy son. Just Google it.")

  • Tuesday, April 01, 2008

    April Fool'd

    In my opinion, Rick rolling is the funniest thing to happen to the Internet since that whole All Your Base Are Belong to Us debacle. Now, Google has proved that they are one of the coolest companies aiming for world domination, by officially bringing the Rick roll to Youtube. Go there (today only), and click on any of the "Featured Videos". Awesome.

    In other news, I found a whole bunch of naked pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and posted them RIGHT HERE. OMG, you should totally click that link. YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING BUT YOU'LL CLICK ANYWAY.