Last month, I went to a Christmas party where they were doing this secret Santa gift exchange thing; everyone brings a small wrapped gift and puts it under the tree, then people pick gifts in random order. When my number came up, I attempted to use my psychic materialism powers to sniff out the very best gift. I opened the bag that the spirits guided me to, and inside were...two pieces of cloth.
I didn't really know anyone at this party, but suddenly a room full of strangers were screaming the word "SHAMWOW!" at me. I thought maybe I'd stumbled into a cult who developed their own freakish language, in which "shamwow" means "you got a shitty gift." Then someone poured their drink all over the floor. "Shamwow," he grunted, pointing at the spilled booze like an astronaut trying to communicate with a mildly retarded alien race. I spread one of the cloths over the spill, wiped it away, and like magic, the floor was clean.
In case you don't already know, this is ShamWow:
Yeah, it's a piece of cloth, but just try to watch that video without wanting to run out to Germany and buy one.
Fast forward to today. My elbow knocks my coffee cup, and there's coffee all over my brand new wireless keyboard. At first I'm very angry at my elbow, but then, like a choir of angels, I hear the voices of fifty strangers screaming "SHAMWOW!" Instantly, the situation goes from horrible accident to exciting opportunity to test out my new ShamWow. I whip it out of the drawer, and the coffee runs away before the ShamWow can even get close.
It made me say "WOW."
Or at least, it absorbed more coffee than many paper towels would. My keyboard is probably still fucked.
I should probably also get the Slap Chop:
Remember kids: boring tuna, boring life.