Monday, April 13, 2009

If I Had a Million Dollars

Things I'd do if I won a million dollars:
  • Get a new vacuum. My vacuum sucks. Wait, no, it doesn't suck; it blows. No...it...it's not a good vacuum OK??
  • Write random formulas and crudely drawn pictures of the end of the world all over my walls, to simulate being an insane scientist in a bad science fiction movie. When the walls are filled, hire painters to undo it. Repeat.
  • Buy a guitar just so I can play it really badly but intensely, then smash it. But before doing so, I will realize how stupid and wasteful this is, and instead donate the guitar to an orphan or a failed rock star or an orphan rock star.
  • Hire someone to fold laundry. The idea of paying people money to come to my place and do stuff for me - like having a maid or butler - kinda weirds me out. Nobody should have to serve me just because I have more money. But seriously, fuck folding laundry. I'll both pay someone to do it, and go to their place and do some mundane task that's not as shitty as laundry folding, like maybe clean their kitchen counters. I love cleaning counters, especially with a nice full bottle of all-purpose cleaning spray, a Mr. Clean magic eraser, and/or a ShamWow.
  • Buy a lot of printer ink, then go to Flickr and print off pictures of random things like sea bass and Ramen noodles and the Eiffel tower. Then lay out hundreds of these pictures on the floor all around me, to simulate being an insane detective in a bad mystery movie. After staying up all night staring at my piles of pictures, someone will come knocking to ask me what is wrong, and I will ignore them and keep shuffling pictures on the floor. Then I'll get this intense look in my baggy red crazy-eyes, and I'll put two pictures beside each other, and the mystery will be solved. I'll finally know that the fish did it with the noodle at the Eiffel tower.
  • Take a trip to Paris, not for pleasure, but because I've now had to turn in my badge for that overly rough interrogation, and nobody believes me about the sea bass, but I'm the only one who can save the world.
  • Wait where am I? Why am I writing this?


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5 comments:

lindsay said...

you can clean my counters any time.

[!]

Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool said...

A shamwow but no SNUGGIE??? Kinda elitist of you isn't it?

katrocket said...

Yeah, a vacuum would be on my million dollar wish list too. I'd get one of those fancy Dyson ball suckers. Nothing says "I've made it" like a high-track Eurovac.

Wings said...

I would buy a vacuum, too! How weird is that? With a $1,000,000 I would buy the best one I could find and then buy another. Cause no matter what you pay, the all freaking work for shit after a year or two.

Phronk said...

Lindsay: Only if you fold my laundry and stuff it in my drawers.

[?]

Calvin: Hahaha, I guess I could do it all in a Snuggie. That's the wonderful thing about them, with their arm holes.

Katrocket: So true! Who doesn't love a good ball sucker?

Wings: But the good ones (the ball suckers) claim to never lose suction. They live forever, like vampires or Eskimos.