Monday, May 18, 2009

Fruit of All Evil

I have many strong opinions, but few are stronger than my position on fruit: it sucks. Here are just a few of the many reasons that fruit is the worst thing on Earth.

1) The first sin ever was Eve eating an apple. In other words, fruit is responsible for everything that's ever gone wrong in the world. If you eat fruit, you're pretty much a Satanist.

2) Just look at it. All multicoloured and flashy. What has it got to prove? In nature, the most colourful creatures are often the most dangerous. Bees are colourful to warn other animals not to fuck with them. Don't fuck with fruit.

3) I bought some berries the other day - the first time I've willingly bought fruit since I started making my own decisions about what to eat - just to give them a chance. I put them in my Magic Bullet (the blender, not the vibrator, perv) to make a creamy sauce to put on French toast. Not only did they break the gasket in the blender and leak all over the place, but a few minutes later the fruit goo had turned into a solid mass. I tried to wash this culinary abortion down the sink, but it clung on, refusing to die. It's still there and I am scared to go near it because it's probably become sentient by now. Fruit flies have instantly appeared, too, and if fruit flies aren't an indication that fruit and humans shouldn't coexist, I don't know what is.

4) Fruit is the part of the plant that plants don't want. If you leave a fruit-bearing plant long enough, it'll be all like "get this shit off of me" and toss its fruits to the ground. Fruit, man, its own mother doesn't even like it.

oh god i hear it moving in the sink


Alternative titles for this post:
  • Orange You Disgusted By Fruit?
  • Berry Bad Things
  • Statutory Grape


Oh and I should probably post this again:


shine said...

I like most fruits. But I feel about mayonnaise the way you feel about fruit. Fuck that nasty rotting jiggly mess.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

So let me understand this. You rant against fruit and pretty girls think that you are funny. That is genius man. I also hate you. Great post. I laughed till I peed a little bit.

lindsay said...

i don't think we can be friends anymore.

Anonymous said...

'Culinary abortion'? I applaud your efforts in pushing the boundaries of good taste. I've seen the box your 'Magic Bullet' came in. I don't think it's a blender. I'm just saying..

Brian said...

Ya I'm a fan of the 'culinary abortion' too. Seems like a shocking metaphor but on second thought it's literally accurate.

Also really like the fruit fly observation. I'd like to see someone use that as the basis for a crackpot evolutionary diet ("eating like cavemen -- the way humans are supposed to eat: fruit-free and healthy!")

Question though:how the blender and all this fruit come into your possession in the first place if you're so anti-fruit?

Phronk said...

Shine: *gasp* ... mayonnaise is my lover. I don't think we can be friends any more.

Cal: Sorry about that. But I'm not paying to get your chair cleaned.

Lindsay: Based on food preferences alone? That's horrible!

Anonymous Dan: Yeah like Brian said, it's just a literal description. :) And damn, if that box held something other than a blender, I must have a very large vagina.

Brian: I wouldn't be surprised if that diet existed. I can use the blender for many non-fruit activities, and the berries were purchased in a moment of ill-fated adventerousness.

Jennifer said...

While you make a good argument there, I'd say your problem is not the fruit but the as-seen-on-tv appliances.

tornwordo said...

Culinary abortion got a chuckle out of me. Bree, is she a porn star?

Phronk said...

Jen: It was working beautifully until I put fruit in it.

Torn: She certainly is. I've seen her boobies.

lori said...

If you consider a tomato a fruit I'll feel quite hurt.

Also, your alternate titles are hilar.

Phronk said...

Tomatoes are most certainly not fruits. I love myself a good tomato sandwich smothered in mayonnaise.

Anonymous said...

I don't have any pithy comments to make regarding fruit, just practical observations. The good stuff, like berries and such, are too expensive. This week Ranier cherries were on sale for $7.89/pound, and people actually bought them. It's appalling.
Last week they were $9.99/pound. Why is fruit so expensive? Who is crazy enough to pay that much money for something that just gives you the runs?

Ubersehen said...

From a scientific point of view, though, the fruit that falls to the ground off of fruit plants tends to do so for reproductive purposes... most fruit contains seeds designed to land in the soil somewhere and grow another plant. So, really, you're not eating plant waste, you're eating plant... semen?

This, of course, leads to possible phrases like:
"Dude, that raspberry just came in my mouth...."or

"That grapefruit just squirted me in the eye!"Make of it what you will.