1) The first sin ever was Eve eating an apple. In other words, fruit is responsible for everything that's ever gone wrong in the world. If you eat fruit, you're pretty much a Satanist.
2) Just look at it. All multicoloured and flashy. What has it got to prove? In nature, the most colourful creatures are often the most dangerous. Bees are colourful to warn other animals not to fuck with them. Don't fuck with fruit.
3) I bought some berries the other day - the first time I've willingly bought fruit since I started making my own decisions about what to eat - just to give them a chance. I put them in my Magic Bullet (the blender, not the vibrator, perv) to make a creamy sauce to put on French toast. Not only did they break the gasket in the blender and leak all over the place, but a few minutes later the fruit goo had turned into a solid mass. I tried to wash this culinary abortion down the sink, but it clung on, refusing to die. It's still there and I am scared to go near it because it's probably become sentient by now. Fruit flies have instantly appeared, too, and if fruit flies aren't an indication that fruit and humans shouldn't coexist, I don't know what is.
4) Fruit is the part of the plant that plants don't want. If you leave a fruit-bearing plant long enough, it'll be all like "get this shit off of me" and toss its fruits to the ground. Fruit, man, its own mother doesn't even like it.
oh god i hear it moving in the sink
Alternative titles for this post:
- Orange You Disgusted By Fruit?
- Berry Bad Things
- Statutory Grape
Oh and I should probably post this again: