The conclusion you're supposed to draw, I guess, is that your kids shouldn't eat foods with high fructose corn syrup, and should instead drink this particular brand of bottled water.
Here are some other things your children do not swim in:
- Looking both ways when crossing the road
It's such a dumb argument that I feel stupider just writing about it. But I'm sure there are millions of people out there who will see the ad and say, "oh golly, that there ad is right huh? My kids don't swim in corn syrup! And I heard on them there news program that corn syrup is doggone toxic! Honey, can you go down to the store and get some bottl- DAMMIT BRANDON GET OFF THE FUCKING SHED!"
Of course, the truth is that high fructose corn syrup is just like any other sugar and is only being used as a villainous contrast to sell a product you get for free out of taps in every modern home. Sorta the opposite of calling something "green."
In conclusion, when I have kids, I will dunk them in high fructose corn syrup.1
Edit July 16: As usual, the comments here are more interesting than the post itself. Be sure to read them. Like this gem:
"Your kids don't swim in vaginas, either, but they wouldn't be here if they hadn't." --Jack (whose blog is one of my favourites, so I recommend clickity clicking on over).