Friday, August 28, 2009

The Horrors of Internet Dating, Volume 3

It's time for another trip into the seedy bowels of the internet. Dating sites; you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy they're bad sometimes. Here are some of the more interesting people I've encountered there lately.

Ahh, the group shot. I don't mean to single out this person in particular, but just in general, a group shot is a bad idea. Especially as the primary photo that people first see. It prompts thought processes like "Are you the one on the left? Oh, ok, looking through the 5 other group shots, I can deduce which one is you. I really wished you were the one on the left." Because chances are, if you include 5 other people among your pictures, any given person is going to be more attracted to one of them than they are to you. That doesn't exactly inspire people to shower you with messages and makeouts.

Can you be more specific?

Sexie Brunette is a Caucasian with red hair. So who is the black-haired non-Caucasian in the picture?

RealliShy is suffering from an identity crisis too.

So is this person. The hypocrisy of demanding punctuation is just icing on this cakefull of FAIL.

A fun game to play when browsing profiles is "find the deal breaker." This happens when you see someone extremely attractive and click on their profile. At this point they are already too good to be true; really attractive people don't need dating sites. So you scroll down, and usually the flaw becomes obvious pretty quickly. Perhaps the first picture you saw was their only flattering angle. Or they have 15 kids, 3 boyfriends in jail, and 0 legs. Sometimes they actually continue to seem impossibly interesting, until you get to this paragraph:

Jesus fucking Christ.

Don't get me wrong, religion is not a deal breaker on its own. Putting faith in Jesus before the people closest to you, and specifically excluding non-Christians from what you're looking for, are.

But I must close on an at least somewhat positive note:

This person's list of interests both terrifies and intrigues me.

In other news, apparently being picky and mocking people I'm incompatible with isn't conducive to finding a life-partner. But hey, when I do find someone kickass enough to end this current run of singlehood, she can read this blog and realize how special she is.


See also:


shine said...

One of my friends joined a dating site with me and she just got this message from a guy: "Mmmm...want to lick you."


The guys' profiles are just as bad. Maybe worse? I'm scared of how stupid people are.

Phronk said...

Gross. Guys are definitely worse. It'd be cool being a woman on a dating site because of all the attention, but on the other hand it's not really good attention.

I hope all the dumb people manage to find each other and be happy though.

sarah said...

ha! My favourite is the punctuation lady, but I don't think it's hypocrisy because she just asked for it, but didn't specify what type. If she said that *correct* punctuation is a plus, then I say we could criticize, but it seems she just likes punctuation in general and there certainly was a lot of punctuation in her profile text. Yay! This genre of blog that you do is pretty much my favourite. :)

Tatiana said...

I'm oddly curious about that last one... you should take one for the team and get in touch with her. Then report from the trenches.

Dead Robot said...

The last point on the last one should be avoided. The date will end in disaster.

katrocket said...

Clearly none of these ladies are good enough for you, but you must press forward. The more you write about dating, the more I think I want to date you. Keep it up, Romeo.

Unknown said...

Confession: I'm Sexie Brunette.
Okay, fine. I'm not.
But I am totally into cryptozoology! (Jurassic Park was real, right?) TWIS.

susan said...

I know the amount of bad sites and profiles out there, i spend a while searching before I found a site that only dealt with the busy professional types and am married now! we met via an online dating website and have been together ever since and are even working together making our business work and raising our two beautiful children.

SharkBoy said...

A girl I worked with a few years back had joined a dating site and after checking emails while at work asked if she could get a man's opinion on one she had just read... She wanted to know if the guy was coming on to her when he wrote: "I want you to sit on my face." I told her it was a come on and that it would be an evening she'd remember for a long time too

Hey Lady! said...

I find this online dating thing oddly fascinating. Have you even met up with any of these women?
I wonder if the non free internet dating sites have less crazy people... Like the crazy ones are also the cheap ones, and maybe the saying is true, "you get what you pay for." and you've paid nothing, so what do you think you're going to get?

Anonymous said...

As a single 30 something girl that's just spent a month on e-harmony for the bargain price of $60 (!!) I can say that no. people are not less crazy when you have to pay. my suggestion is to stay with the free crazy.

cheers and good luck!

Forest City Fashionista said...

I agree with Alexandra--I too spent a month on Eharmony which was a waste of time and money. I've also spent time on Plenty of Fish--they weren't all crazy, but I was certainly left with some entertaining stories. I think I've given up dating for now; I can deal with my own weird stuff, but not really interested in dealing with anyone else's

Phronk said...

Sarah: Wow, I never thought of that but you're right. I guess I'm not very Openmined.

Tatiana: Hehe, I probably should. I'm sure she'd at least be interesting to talk to.

DR: Bwahah. On the other hand, impending doom is a real aphrodisiac.

Katrocket: Too bad you HATE LONDON.

Diana: Well are a sexy brunette.

Susan: Sorry, but I'm not compatible with either busy profession types or spammers. Kindly fuck off.

SB: Yeah that's a subtle one. I hope she went with that guy, because wit like that is rare.

Alexandra: Thanks for the report from the paying side! I'll save my money. And good luck to you too.

FCF: Ditto. And yeah, I'm going through a nice "happy with my own wierdness" phase too. I'll be happy to deal with someone else's someday, but I think it's better if it happens naturally.

he and she reviews said...

me and my guy met on e-harmony... there are a lot of crazy... but you have to have a system to weed out the none crazy. ^_^ which i did. yay me! we are getting married next year.

good luck to you though... i have a lot of these stories too, and it too a long time for me to come up with a system to weed out the crazy... you have to find something that works for you. ;-)

this was a fun and interesting read!

Phronk said...

Aww it's great to hear success stories like yours. Especially a couple who blogs together, which is the cutest thing ever. Thanks!

Yvonne said...


Sometimes it's posts like these that make me want to start up my POF account again, and post the creepy ass messages I recieve. That would make some awesome posts, I would think.

lollygagger said...

The group photo. Uggggggh. I like your take on how someone is inevitably hotter. I always just think -- geez are you really that insecure that you need to post a group shot?

fragileheart said...

lol this makes me want to create a profile just so I can witness these sort of hilarities for myself! Then again, I'm sure I could just tune in here more often. You'll do this again right?

Phronk said...

Von & Fragileheart, you should totally join just to browse the profiles then blog about them. I'll do this again, yeah, but I need to see the male side of crazy. :)

Rachel said...

plentyoffish is a particularly awful dating site, because anyone who uses it is kind of embarrassed to have used it. (or at least that's how it was 4 years ago. Maybe it has gotten more legit).
Anyway, this post made me laugh and reminded me that my recent thoughts of "hmm, maybe online dating sites aren't THAT bad" are probably just wishful thinking.

On a completely unrelated note, you are the third or fourth person I have come across recently who is from London, Ontario. You aren't by chance a Libertarian?

Phronk said...

I think POF has become slightly more legit, but it's still pretty embarrassing.

It seems like London is all over the internet lately. Weird.

My beliefs and positions are too complex to sum up in a single word. I share some beliefs with some Libertarians though (since that word itself seems to cover a wide range of beliefs!)

Anonymous said...

IF you're not having luck, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Anonymous said...

I almost want to join a site so I can play the deal breaker game!! I can only imagine the entertainment I'd get