Good news everyone!1 I'm still single. That means I continue to check free internet dating sites once in a while, scouring them for the worst of the worst to mercilessly mock for your entertainment. And I mean it when I say "once in a while." It doesn't take long to find this stuff. The saddest thing is, the self-presentation FAILS2 you see below are in no way atypical.
Let's start with a real ad banner that someone actually paid to have displayed at the top of a dating site:
Maybe if their potential customer base wasn't so specific, they could afford a better marketing department.
While we're on the topic of race:
I can't decide if this is racist or not. On one hand: obviously. On the other: everyone has certain traits that they are attracted to, and these preferences are largely not consciously chosen. For example, some people are only attracted to blondes; they wouldn't be accused of hairism. And on a larger scale, most people have an exclusive preference for one gender over the other, and that's not considered sexism.
Like me, I'm only attracted to females. Sorry guys, just never had the urge to see any of you naked. Which is why I only browse female profiles, and get confused when I see this:
No offense or anything, but "she" is the ugliest girl I've ever seen. Sadface. :(
And um, ok, maybe sometimes I see dudes' profiles. Who the hell is this guy? Trying to copy my name almost exactly and answering questions 95% the same as me. Maybe this is my secret clone that's out there, causing random people to think they've met me before when I have no idea who they are (this happens to me all the time, and cloning is the only explanation (not this, no)).
Maybe I need to wear clothing that sets me apart...
Yes! I've always wanted to be with someone who can set me up with sweet Halloween costumes. Smarts N/A? Don't be so hard on yourself.
Hey internet, there's this new thing that computers can do now. It's called "cropping." Might be worth looking into.
Do you actually know what vegetarian means?
So basically, you're unapologetically annoying.
What confuses me about this one, and all the others like it, is the seemingly random use of the shift key. First of all, it seems like it would be really hard to put a capital letter in front of almost every word. It's not like there's a caps lock for that. So why bother with all the effort? Second, what determines which words get the shift key and which don't? "Well Umm right Now I Wanna Still Try & Finish School" mostly gets the capital letter treatment, but "i think i'm a pretty chill person lol" gets lower case even where it shouldn't. What's the crucial difference in her mind? Are the capitalized sentences louder in her inner voice? Higher pitched?
IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
(see, capitals there clearly indicate yelling)
As usual let's end with someone who actually does something right.
1 Everyone except my penis.
2 I'm not saying I'm any better at this. There are probably people out there mocking my profile just as harshly. At least I can spell "and" though.
3 Which would probably reveal the girl underneath who's way hotter. This censorship approach is not much of a solution to the group shot problem, because the sub-Frosty girl I'm imagining in my mind is way more attractive than any real person.