Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Lessons From The Bachelor, Volume 2


WTF, Jake. Vienna? Really?

We drank Old Vienna and watched in horror as Jake chose her over Tenley. I know it is the cool thing to hate Vienna, but the thing is, I really don't. There's nothing wrong with being tactlessly blunt in my books, and I'm sure she'd make a perfectly good friend in everyday life.

But there are two contradictory things wrong with the relationship between her and Jake: 1) She's way uglier than he is; and 2) He seemed to be thinking with his cock when he chose her.

When Jake first appeared on the last Bachelorette, I thought he was a douche. I retract that opinion. Jason Mesnick became a douche last season, because he made conscious choices to engage in douchebaggery. Jake, however, gives off douche vibes simply because he doesn't know any better. He is constantly putting on an act; the "too perfect" song and dance that turned Jillian off. But it's not douchey, because the act isn't covering anything substantial up. His hollow center wouldn't even exist without the candy shell.

The thing is, healthy relationships require a rich creamy center. Not just "oooh we had our first kiss while bungee jumping, isn't that too perfect?!"

But speaking of people who are dead inside, Ali is the next Bachelorette?! She's got corpse eyes. Even when she's crying it's like a robot trying to affect humanity. Who would apply?

And that is the main lesson to be learned here: a healthy relationship will never develop on reality television, because healthy people don't look for a relationship on reality television. Um, I'm not sure what the lesson is about people who watch these disasters waiting to happen. Probably nothing good. Damn.


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See also: Lessons From the Bachelor Volume 1

Note: These opinions are of television characters more than real people. I'm aware that you can't really get to know someone through a heavily edited, partially scripted TV show.

9 comments:

S said...

I just can't believe you admit to watching The Bachelor.

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Phronk said...

I watch reality TV only to study human behaviour in unusual situations. It's purely academic.

Dan said...

LIES!!!!!!!! DAMNABLE LIES!!!!!!!! You watch reality tv because your rich creamy centre compels you to do so. Also because I just don't have enough material to tease you about already:). Academia has no place in reality tv. Reality has no place in reality tv. And you sir... You are a liar.

Katrina said...

LOL! You LOVE reality TV!! For some reason I'm surprised that this doesn't surprise me...

shine said...

I love how much you engage in stereotypically girly things, Phronk. It makes me smile.

shine said...

Oh, and I kind of agree with Dan.

Forest City Fashionista said...

Knowing that you watch "The Bachelor" has turned my whole world upsidedown, and I feel slightly woozy...on the other hand, I am pleased to learn that you have a rich, creamy centre.

Phronk said...

Ok, maybe I occasionally let myself enjoy reality TV while I study it. I'm not ashamed. At least I don't watch Grey's Anatomy any more.