Thursday, April 01, 2010

The Horrors of Internet Dating, Volume 6

I got this message a while ago:


So mysterious! Is "garte" even better than great? What exactly does "hi sexie tattoosit" mean? Nothing is more alluring than mystery, so I clicked to see her profile.

RELEASE THE CRAKING.


First we get what she doesn't want. Fair enough. A few spelling problems there, but I don't judge people based solely on their grammar, nor think I'm better than them, so I have no reason to "step." Let's see what she does want:


Let's stop there for a second. Wanting peace is usually considered a pretty noble goal. So she can't mean that. Wait...she can't mean..is she trying to say "more than a piece of ass"? Because that's not even a spelling mistake or a typo. That's a fundamental misunderstanding of the underlying concept she is trying to express.


I know where I going in I live.

Well, at least she got to 10, a nice round number, and ended it on a coherent sentence fragment. Wait what's that? There's more?


A second creative spelling of great! Worm at night! BABBIES!

There is nothing I can say to make this funnier. I literally LOLed at it until I cried.

But somehow it gets better. Interests:


Can't...breathe...too...hilarious.

Again we see another seemingly random word with "tattoo" thrown in. What is tattooingstorts?! What does it have to do with "hanging out with my zoo"?!

WHAT IS BINKE?!

Then a double dose of irony, with "lren from," and yet again, an interest in poetry.

Oh and you'll never guess what kind of tattoo she has.


Whyyy?!

I feel a bit horrible for singling out one person like this. But come on.

Binke.





See also: Volume 5

32 comments:

Blondie said...

OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH.

@leahblonde needs to read this. Needs to. Now.

carissa said...

Bahahaha please, for all that is good in the world and for the sake of this girl. GO OUT WITH HER. If her profile is this great, imagine the great post you'll get out of meeting her in person. Take. One. For. The. Team... puhleeesssse!

lookitsbray said...

Ahahahaha!! I am no stranger to internet dating myself and can relate to this. Thing is, she's no doubt in real life a Megan Fox look alike.

Angela said...

All of a sudden, I have a new respect for the guys who contact me and misuse their, they're and there ...

They could never be as illiterate as this girl.

Tatiana said...

Dayam, that's almost like a meth baby or something. Laugh? Cry? Shake my head? She's a prize either way... keep 'er worm at night.

Jay Ferris said...

My guess is that she's a non-native English speaker and/or head trauma victim. Although let's not rule out some weird allergic reaction that made her hands swell up like giant balls of pizza dough, making typing nearly impossible.

Wings said...

That is one of the most amazing things ever.

Leah said...

Make sure you tell us how the date went! We're all dying to know ;)

Kim Humes said...

Wow, that is...wow. Just horrid. I'm not one to judge just on grammar errors either but this is ridiculous!! So, when are you guys going out?? haha ;)

Jennifer said...

That is one hideous tattoo.

I also need a man to keep me worm at night. Arrr, me worm be walkin the plank if he's not supervised.

Forest City Fashionista said...

English has to be her 3rd or 4th language, there's no other possible explanation for this. I agree, you need to go out with her just once and report every little detail back to us. We need to know the secret of Binke!

Dan said...

A date with her would definitely be in the running for best date ever. Right up there with Nick's 'Date With The Stripper'.

Phronk said...

So you guys:

I actually did send her a message back. This was a week or two ago, and POF tells me it remains unread. So she probably found her soul mate and quit checking the site or is dead or something.

And I really really hate commenting on peoples physical appearance in a negative way, but like, the meth baby / head trauma theories might hold some water.

Hey Lady! said...

You know I'm all for encouraging you to do dumb stuff because it would be an entertaining blog post, but seriously dude. No. You know when people tell you "don't eat anything that you don't know what it is"? We don't even know what half the words she's saying mean. They aren't words, not in any language.
No, don't do it.

laura said...

This will remain my favourite blog post until the end of time. You win.

An Unconventional Mummy said...

Plenty of Fish ?
Ah... I get it ... not for finding a soulmate....just for blog content.
I think someone could devote an entire blog to the "best" of internet dating profiles.

sarah said...

You should really get into binke. You're missing out.

Poor woman, she's just uneducated and has a different background than us. I kinda feel for her. It's more of a culture clash maybe. You see it more when you single out one person... hmm.

Kris said...

Thank you.

I needed that laugh.

I also think I need to re-read this, as I would like another enjoyable laughing experience.

Hey Lady! said...

I really can not feel sorry for this person. She seems pretty confident in what she's projecting her self to be. And she seems comfortable with it, so more power to her. It's not our fault we find in ridiculously entertaining.

Phronk said...

I feel for her a bit. Beyond education and culture, she probably has problems with language and just isn't very self-aware. And our culture seems to think it's okay to blame stupid people for being stupid, and make fun of them for it.

But yeah, it is ridiculously entertaining, and she'll never see this or encounter anyone who reads it, so no harm done.

shine said...

Wait. You're not going to GO OUT WITH HER? How can you not? I HAVE to know what she's like in person.

Please?

Wings said...

Phronk: Very well said. It is funny to read, but the longer I have thought about it, it is now tinged with a wee bit of ... sadnesss, I guess. Ah well.

sarah said...

It's more that she seems really stupid to us, but in her world, this stuff is pretty normal/cool probably. Her world seems to have different cultural expectations/norms than we have. It feels kinda snarky and ignorant for us to think we're so high above her and her life... I think if we entered her world we would be laughed at too probably. :) I don't feel sorry for her, she'll be just fine. Some snarky rich, educated, upper-class kids can make fun of her on the internet and it wouldn't bother her at all, you're right. :)

Phronk said...

Shine: I know I know, but I could never take advantage of someone in person like that (just on the internet!)

Wings: Well, comedy is just tragedy plus time, so yeah, it's a bit sad.

Sarah: Oh Sarah, we've argued before about the whole cultural relativism thing. And yeah, there's something to it ... a lack of spelling ability is only funny to people who value spelling. She probably just doesn't give a shit.

But it's also possibly to be objectively stupid. I.e., not have the ability or motivation to make good decisions. And even then, I'm not saying it's okay to make fun of people for it, but our cultural and non-cultural sense of humour does seem to demand it once in a while.

Plus, I don't think that humour needs to come from a place of ignorance or elitism. I don't think I'm above her. I know nothing about her, for one thing, but also even if she's the dumbest person alive, if she's happy with who she is and not hurting other people, I don't judge that in a negative way. It's more about laughing at what's different, rather than laughing at what we perceive to be worse.

Hey Lady! said...

Phronk: That last comment you made was awesome. I totally agree (that's twice in one day, what's going on???)I don't think its elitist, it's just different. She probably would make fun of me for being different from her, and I'm okay with that, in fact I encourage it. It's not hurting me and if it provides entertainment, that's even better. This isn't the playground, we're all adults. I say if you're different, own it, and if people make fun of you, whatever. (This coming from the person who has attended X-Files conventions).

Anonymous said...

I loved this blog. You made me laugh, and feel guilty for laughing, all at the same time.

I especially, liked, how you felt a little guilty yourself ;>

I was afraid to leave a comment, my grammar, and spelling sucks too :)

HRLXV

sarah said...

Not really arguing. I mostly agree with you I think...

However, to say that the making fun of her doesn't come from an elitist place is lying to make yourself better feel better. To assign zero value to the "funniness" by saying you just think it's funny because it's just "different" is deluded. The mocking is pretty clear in your blog entry. (Not that this has anything to do with you, but the comments that it elicited are SUPER snarky.) I don't think you're a bad person for thinking it's hilarious, let's just admit where it's coming from. Even if you don't mean it to be mean or elitist, the fact is we come from a place of privilege compared to this woman, which makes her "different" as you say... therefore funny. It you're honest with yourself, it's very clear that this is a super snobby entry.

Usually, I'm all for you making fun of random ridiculous people on POF that you post. I think it's funny too, but when you're targeting just one person and picking apart their profile, it seems a little too easy, you know? Like, yikes, this poor person obviously doesn't have the opportunities that you have and the further you dig, the more painfully obvious it becomes, so it is really easy to make her look very stupid. There's no sport in that. Where as little snapshots are great in that doesn't reveal the horrible reality as much. :)

Furthermore, I don't know why you brought up the "objectively stupid" point, but I'll speak to it... of course. :) She's not objectively dumb, her decisions on whether to focus on good spelling and grammar or to get her tattoo that we would consider ugly and trashy have nothing to do making bad decisions, but from her background and socialization. Who knows how good of a speller she would have been if born into a different situation, or the ugly tattoos you would have gotten had you been socialized differently?

And Hey Lady, with all due respect, of course you wouldn't care if she made fun of you for being dorky, spending all your time on the computer and stressing out about grammar or spelling, because your life is still super awesome and privileged compared to hers and you've had access to education and she is still looking for a man on the internet using broken English. You'll laugh last, and she'll still be trying to find a man in a world where people are semi-literate like her (how easy do you think it would be for her to get a well paying job?), and it's common and acceptable to have kids at a young age out of wedlock, for example.

Anyway, this isn't even as important to me as all the writing might have you believe. Just sayin.

Phronk said...

Hey Lady: How are we agreeing so much? X Files convention? HAHA NERD.

Anon: Thanks! Aww, even if your grammar and spelling suck, it's better to express yourself than to stay silent. :)

Sarah: Yeah it's not that important to me either, but I do love discussing this stuff with you. :)

I honestly don't think elitism plays a role. Unless it's at some deep subconscious level that connects spelling ability with socioeconomic status, her education and life opportunities have not once crossed my mind. And if you asked me, I would never ever say I'm above her in some overall sense.

Perhaps you're right that the "difference" that makes it funny does come from a place of being perceived as better on the dimension we differ on, but that dimension is spelling ability alone. I think bringing in other aspects of her life is looking too deep into it.

Like, I mercilessly mock funny typos that come from people I love, who have the same life circumstances as me. Funny errors are funny regardless of who they are coming from.

It's still not coming from a nice wholesome place (humour rarely does), which I fully admit, but I don't think it runs that deep.

I brought up the objectively stupid point because you said "it's more that she seems really stupid to us." And I have no business commenting on this specific person's intelligence, but I'm just saying that background and socialization don't fully determine intelligence. Some people don't just seem stupid because of cultural differences, but rather their brains don't work as well as other peoples. It's not relative. I don't think that means it's okay to make fun of dumb people (at least not without feeling guilty), but it's not just arbitrary elitism either.

Also, I don't really care about or judge her tattoo; it's just funny that EVERYONE who messages me has a butterfly tattoo.

Maybe I should get one myself?

sarah said...

I think that having a butterfly tattoo would make you totally elite!!

(ahem cough denying that socioeconomic status has everything to do with perspective is naive. It's not even subconscious, it's just COMPLETELY INGRAINED AND INSEPARABLE and, you actually are really above her in an objective way, socially, that you are taking for granted cough cough sneeze cough.)

P.S. We still on for this weekend? Email or text me instead of replying on your blog comments! THX!

Hey Lady! said...

Sarah: Why would she make fun of me for being on the computer all day? Perhaps that's a judgment you made about me. Which I don't mind, I'm just pointing out that everyone makes these judgments, even you.

And seriously, I think some people chose to spell things phonetically, or they simply do not care about spelling. It's got nothing to do with social status or upbringing.

At any rate, I do not on any conscious level think I'm better then this woman, she's putting herself out there to get what she wants, I think that's great. I'm not sure I'd have the nerve to sign up for an online dating site.

sarah said...

Hey Lady: Omigosh, this horse is so dead. I keep beating it!! Sorry... I'm totally being one of those annoying blog commenters right now... umm... I am just enjoying this message thread... eek. Thank you for indulging me. Feel free to ignore this as I'm killing the conversation with more blah blah.

Yep, I'm a total judgmental person/jerk. I try not to be, but I am sometimes. As well as others, I also judge myself for being on the computer all day and feel kinda pathetic. When I'm around people that aren't on the computer all day I feel like they are all laughing at me. Laughing at me! They probably should. :) When I said that about you, I was imagining it from her perspective and imagining that she doesn't spend all her time on the computer... Maybe she does, it was just an example -- probably came up because I think about that for myself.

I think we all know that she's not choosing to spell things phonetically on purpose and it's actually tied to her background.
Really? Really you're going there? Is it relevant in this case to say
that people don't care about spelling and it has nothing to do with social status?? Really?? Umm... I guess I can't argue with that because it's a completely illogical argument. Her writing has NOTHING to do with social status or upbringing, you say? You didn't directly say that I suppose... I am wondering why you brought it up though...? Anyway, I think the signs are all there from her prose and even the themes she brings up that it obviously comes from a person who comes from a background relatively low on the socio-economic spectrum here in Ontario. I could be wrong, and she could be a rich CEO... but it's relatively obvious that the contrary is true. It's kind of a moot point that I feel silly talking about. Or maybe she's spelling things phonetically on purpose! What?

Cont'd... :)

sarah said...

I think what both you and Phronk mean is that you don't think it's funny that she talks like that because she's poor, you just think it's funny that she talks like that period. You're not laughing at a poor person, you're laughing at a person who talks funny... This is fair, but please don't deny that her expressions and spelling mistakes are intrinsically linked to her culture. You don't mean to laugh at her disadvantage of course, but you still are... so would I probably in a different circumstance...

Yeah, I know you don't think you're better than her at all on any level. I totally believe you and I think you're a good person, I promise. :) I don't feel better than her either. I do feel a bit of guilt though that I am luckier in terms of my station in life. I would never think of putting on my dating profile that it would be great if he had kids or for him to know where he's going to live... That's just not in my world, you know? I do however have a skanky tattoo on my lower back, so maybe I relate... iee... Let's not talk about that. It's not a butterfly tho! That's why I haven't come on to Phronk yet.

It's obvious, as I think I said before that she wouldn't be able to get a job like mine based on her communication skills and by her criteria for men she's using, she is not around the type people that I might be used to being around... I don't know you that well, but I think that's probably the same for you and most of Phronk's core audience. Whether we realize it or think it on any level or not, she is "below us" in some ways -- social ways. I'm sorry, it sucks, and I wish everyone had the same access to education and dependable people as me, but signs point to the fact she really doesn't seem to.

Anyway, I agree with you guys, seeing the word "babbies" and ridiculous typos is pretty shocking and funny and usually, as I said before, these Horrors of Dating are my favourite thing on the internet, but seeing an entire profile here really gave me a snapshot into the sad reality of this woman's life and I just felt bad for her. And then all the comments (not you and Phronk really, but the others that were fairly rude and mocking) made me feel worse.

I really agree with most of what you say and have a lot of respect for you and from what I know about you, so please don't see this as a direct challenge or anything. Just saying, as I do. :)