Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Horrors of Internet Dating, Volume 8

When you're looking for someone to date, one of the most important things is having something in common. Luckily, OkCupid has advanced algorithms that can scour profiles and identify common interests.

Thanks. That really helps this person stand out from everyone else. Although some people need more help standing out than others.

Pro tip: if you have friends who look exactly the same as you, identify which one is you. Better yet, take pictures with friends who look different so it's clear which one is y-

AHHH FUCK! Never mind, I take it back. Just take normal pictures. Goddamn. I remember when The Shining was just a movie.

But it's words that matter more than horrific pictures.

No, random internet person, you shouldn't have to preface that. If thinking deep conversation and communication are important is "weird" to most people, then I'm screwed. Let's see who else agrees with me:

Nope. This may sound weird, but I use a spacebar and shift key when communicating with a keyboard.

Although, "Ballcrosswordsex" does sound like my kind of sport.

Hey I like intelligence! I like learning! I even like happiness! Unfortunately, I also like the letter N. :(

Falling apart at the.

But you know, despite being a snobby grammar nazi (which is obvious in my profile), sometimes people actually do send me messages. Let's see who loves me today:

ok. yw. loljk.

I am flattered, truly, that someone thinks I am Q.T. Cutie? I am cutie? Wait what?


Sometimes I figure these people must be getting by on their looks, but then I click and they either don't have a picture or aren't that good looking. So then I just feel sorry for them because they're not very good at communicating over the internet. Either that or they just don't put any effort in because they figure I'm so desperate I'll go for anything. Which is 100% true.1

At least some people appreciate language.

This assassin lover does like animals. And poem. I wonder if there is someone else who's into the same things.

Well, her life is suck, but she does like dog! And pomes! Close enough.

This may sound weird, but maybe I should go back to trying to find thuth love in real life.

I leave you with this:

1 Not really. Actually my pickiness only allows me to go anywhere with the cream of the crop. Then I get all emotionally invested because the cream of the crop is so very rare, and that makes me all serious and not-myself which sabotages everything, and I go back to stockpiling the crop of my cream.

See also: Volume 7.


Helen said...

How do I get a 'frim' ass?

No really, tell me. I must know.

Rick Bman said...

do you cast a broad the same way you cast a fishing line?

Stephanie said...

It's sad and funny all at the same time; I laughed.

pixie658 said...


Your Internet dating series certainly has me second guessing taking the plunge back into dating. Is this what "normal" people are like? Le sigh...

nancypearlwannabe said...

And here I thought dudes had the monopoly on awful online dating profiles. It's good to know the internet provides equal opportunity for the complete idiocy of both genders.

I got a message the other day that just said, "hate to b blunt, but ur wikked fuckin cute." Really, sir? I wish you hated being blunt just a little more, maybe it would have prevented you from sending that message to begin with.

Darius Whiteplume said...

I read the "slim, lovable, funny" one in the voice of Tony Soprano's Russian girlfriend (or the mail order bride from Wonderfalls, if you prefer), and it was quite charming. Expensive and fraught with danger I'm sure, but charming.

And with "Ballcrosswordsex" I read "Eminem" ans "Feminism" as in "I like feminism .50cent..." I really thought I was losing my mind.

Word Verification, oddly enough: "comon" - both descriptive and appropriately misspelled.

kclarke5 said...

I've definitely met the girl with the pig! LOL!

I love the horrors of internet dating!

Johnson said...

I think you should keep trying. Don't give up. And, as "Looking to a hit Man" might say, "Just see what the destiny tell...."

See what the destiny tell indeed.

knitty_kat said...

ha ha ha!! I needed the laugh - thank you!

It's unfortunate that there isn't a better way to filter the prospects, I am having much the same issues with my search. At least you find the humour in it . . . and we get to enjoy it.

Candice said...

i don't know, that pig's kinda cute.

Phil said...

Been following these Date Posts. Gives me a good laugh, people are strange! Looking forward to Volume 9.

Phronk said...

Helen: Deit and exrecise.

Rick: I thought it mean covering a wide variety of objects in paper mache.

Stephanie: Sad funny is the funniest funny.

Pixie: Luckily there are some normal(er) people on there too. But um, not many.

Nancypearlwannabe: Haha yeah, I think sucking at life is a gender-neutral trait.

Darius: Yeah she is rather charming. And I'm sure very intelligent in whatever language she actually speaks. BUT COMON.

"Kclarke5": Oh dear. Maybe I'll regret being too lazy to censor faces and usernames in this one. :)

Johnson: Maybe I should send messages to people saying "the destiny tell me we meant to be together."

Candice: Yeah don't get me wrong, I'd totally have sex with the pig.

Phil: Thanks! I've got plenty of material still, so Volume 9 should be coming up soon. :)

Tatiana said...

Been around the world and seen that only stupid people are breeding... the whole thing does not give me hope for our race.

Facebook dater said...

Your post is a funny one. Online dating has really horrors especially when you chat with a nice profile but when you meet with him or her, your face will be shocked in horror! LOL! Sometimes there are fake accounts in dating sites that’s why there are some people don’t like online dating. But they don’t know that online dating is a real fun experience! Thanks for the post it really made me laugh!

Forest City Fashionista said...

Ahh, Phronk, I sooo love your internet dating posts because anytime I have even the slightest inclination to try it again, I simply read one of these. Then I go back to reading books, watching movies, taking photos, spending time with my friends who use good spelling, grammar, and punctuation, and if I have any free time, a game of ballcrosswordsex.

Hey Lady! said...

Sometimes I think you should have a blog dedicated only to on line dating and drunkin blogging. As if you need ANOTHER blog...

Also, "stockpiling the crop of my cream" I have heard that can affect your fertility, just saying. Also, that is some very personal information to share with a bunch of internet strangers, should we be scared or flattered you feel comfortable enough?