Monday, September 06, 2010

The Horrors Delights of Internet Dating, Volume 9

Like I've said before, not every dating profile is a disaster. Believe it or not, some girls are actually interesting enough to manage to get a little twitch out of my shriveled black heart.

One of the first things people see in a profile is your username. It's delightful to see names that aren't just a combination of your real name and random numbers.




Ok ok, a variation of your real name can be okay if you're awesome about it.

Pictures are, of course, the most important part of a profile. But I think a lot of people underestimate the impact of a great caption. 

I don't know how it's possible to be a serial killer only on the internet, but in any case, I'd totally let her stab me to death then play around with my blood.

It's good to be realistic. This person would probably also get along famously with a retard in tinfoil:

Speaking of the letter B:

Uungh yeah, burp my name baby.

Sometimes it's good to be reassured that a girl doesn't already have too many penises in her life: 

It's also good to know when she has one too many:

But she appreciates good grammar, so it's tempting. As you know, I am a grammar snob (at least when it comes to written profiles), and I am given hope for my romantic future when I see I'm not the only one.


Maybe the lack of punctuation here is ironic.

Cute. Possibly too cute.

It's true. When it comes to undesirable qualities, poor apostrophe usage is right up there with being a demon child.

A desirable quality, however, is knowing what information is important and using Plentyoffish's tag line to get it out of the way immediately:

Speaking of balls:

Ok. Uhh. [Insert segue].

Obvi I sent this person a message. She seemed pretty cool but then I forgot to reply for a few days and then I just never replied. Which is how it usually goes. The internet: I'm doing it wrong. Otherwise I'd be going on actual dates with these people and have a whole new level of horror to blog about then have blow up in my face when these people read it.

As you can probably tell, what my aforementioned shriveled heart really needs is a good shock. Especially after skimming 20 profiles that are almost exactly the same, it is so nice to see something that comes out of nowhere. 


See also: Volume 8.


TS said...

At the request of my friends who are amused by my life in general, I have started copying out all the "interesting" messages I get on these sites. Turn it into a book so everyone else can laugh at my wonky life, too.

I wish you luck, sir!

Anonymous said...

Your dating posts are my fav! You should totally go out with some of the crazy ones and then tell us about it!

Candice said...

I can't believe you keep finding these amazing people. Oh man.

Hey Lady! said...

I'm going to have to assume that these people think they won't get dates unless they "stand out from the crowd". And by "crowd" I mean, sane, rational people. They must think they'll get points for creativity, and by creativity, I mean lunacy.

No pictures of tattoos this time, I'm disappointed...

Jennifer said...

I was afraid at the end of that first line there I was going to read about twitching in your other shriveled thing. Thank god it wasn't that.

PS - I hope your profile makes mention of your six footer.

meredith r. mistletoe said...

she had me at PTERODACTYL

AFon said...

The idea of dating online has always seemed creepy to me and you have reassured my assumption. Haha goodluck!

Tatiana said...

What meredith said... but seriously some of those are pretty awesome. I'd date, if only in the name of public service. Although, then I'd be the boring one! Fuck.

Erin said...

Sweet Jesus! This killed me. I was laughing all the way through but when I got to the end, I think my cackles scared the neighbors.

Amelia Mae said...

This reminds me of when people hand out resumes and do not change their teenage email addresses to be "adult" appropriate. We received one that directed us to contact her at: sexxy_gurl69@*********.com

Or the young man who listed "the ability to spot a thief from 30ft away" and being "skilled at hand to hand combat" on his resume along with the address: ninja_freak_2000@********.com

Needless to say, I urged my manager to hire them immediately.

(Side note: my word verification is "nugariz".....???)