One of the first things people see in a profile is your username. It's delightful to see names that aren't just a combination of your real name and random numbers.
I GET IT.
PROBABLY A NIGHTMARE.
Ok ok, a variation of your real name can be okay if you're awesome about it.
Pictures are, of course, the most important part of a profile. But I think a lot of people underestimate the impact of a great caption.
I don't know how it's possible to be a serial killer only on the internet, but in any case, I'd totally let her stab me to death then play around with my blood.
It's good to be realistic. This person would probably also get along famously with a retard in tinfoil:
Speaking of the letter B:
Uungh yeah, burp my name baby.
Sometimes it's good to be reassured that a girl doesn't already have too many penises in her life:
It's also good to know when she has one too many:
But she appreciates good grammar, so it's tempting. As you know, I am a grammar snob (at least when it comes to written profiles), and I am given hope for my romantic future when I see I'm not the only one.
Maybe the lack of punctuation here is ironic.
Cute. Possibly too cute.
It's true. When it comes to undesirable qualities, poor apostrophe usage is right up there with being a demon child.
A desirable quality, however, is knowing what information is important and using Plentyoffish's tag line to get it out of the way immediately:
Speaking of balls:
Ok. Uhh. [Insert segue].
Obvi I sent this person a message. She seemed pretty cool but then I forgot to reply for a few days and then I just never replied. Which is how it usually goes. The internet: I'm doing it wrong. Otherwise I'd be going on actual dates with these people and have a whole new level of horror to blog about then have blow up in my face when these people read it.
As you can probably tell, what my aforementioned shriveled heart really needs is a good shock. Especially after skimming 20 profiles that are almost exactly the same, it is so nice to see something that comes out of nowhere.
See also: Volume 8.