Sean!, with the following stupid story:
In Castle Rock Maine a county fair has just happened. People laughed. People rode the rides. People ate fires, cotton candy, chill cheese dogs, deep fried mars bars. They ate and Ate and Ate.
Now the town suffers heavily.
Into this plugged up place comes a wanderer with no past, no present, no future.
He eases the way....his name is Lax. And for a price....he brings relief.
Simon McNeil!, with this one:
I was going to say "This guy gets driven insane by a giant finger poking out of the bathtub drain" but King already did that one....
A couple driving in rural Maine come across a town with a terrible secret.
All the people there are really actually moose in disguise and they transform outsiders into lush marshy grasses.
By the end the man has been transformed into a stand of horsetail and the woman looses her left hand which transforms partly into pond weed before she escapes the evil moose.
Then she crashes her car into an ordinary deer because she wasn't paying attention.
Congrats! Both of you get a perfectly okay copy of Full Dark, No Stars. However, only one person can get the slightly less bent copy. Chosen on literary merit, the winner of the non-shitty copy of the book is...
GIVE ME THE FUCKING ENVELOPE.
It's Sean. He must read this blog a lot, because he obviously knows that I can't resist stories about poop.
I will try to contact the winners later (I'm running late for work you guys), but if you happen to read this before I do, please email me (alkfjdsa at phronk dot com) with your deets. By deets I mean address.
Thanks to everyone who entered and linked to this. And thanks Simon and Schuster for the free shit. You two are the best.