Here is a list of songs that are all about wanking. There are other lists (see also) out there, but many are only top tens, or have a hundred songs with artists you've never heard of shoving in a single line about jerkin' the gherkin' or butterin' the muffin. I want this to be a complete list of songs dedicated to chocking the chicken or slamming the clam.
Notable pattern: if you know someone with the name Billy, he's probably dancing with himself right now. Billies make one-eye cry more than any other name.
Also, shout out to Pink, who has two entries, nailing both male and female masturbation.
[Note: This was originally posted in 2011 but has been refreshed a few times]
- Alice Cooper - Muscle of Love
- Barenaked Ladies - It's Only Me (The Wizard of Magicland)
- The Beautiful South - Tonight I Fancy Myself
- Big Sky Singers - The Ballad of Sidney Kleenex16
- Billy Bragg - St. Swithin's Day
- Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
- Billy Joel - Captain Jack
- Billy Squier - The Stroke
- Britney Spears - The Touch of My Hand
- Bruce Springsteen - Ramrod
- Buffalo Tom - Sodajerk
- The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
- Caesars - Jerk it Out (Q)
- Carly Rae Jepsen - Party for One
- Charli XCX - Body of My Own
- Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-Ling
- Clarence Carter - Strokin'
- Corn Nuts Radio Jingle (link) 4
- Crispin Glover - Auto-Manipulator
- The Cure - Close to Me
- Cyndi Lauper - She Bop
- The Dandy Warhols - Get Off
- The Decemberists - Billy Liar
- Devo - Praying Hands
- Dinosaur Jr. - Severed Lips
- The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
- The Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy
- The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm 7
- Electric Six - Vibrator
- The (English) Beat - Mirror in the Bathroom (Q) 1
- Elton John - Rocket Man (Q)
- Elvis Costello - Pump it Up
- Faith No More - Epic (Q)
- Faith No More - Jizzlobber
- FKA Twigs - Kicks
- The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly
- Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Relax (Q)
- Gary Numan - Every Day I Die
- Great Lake Swimmers - Pulling on a Line (Q)
- Green Day - All By Myself13
- Green Day - Longview
- Hailee Steinfeld - Love Myself14
- Halestorm - I Get Off 2
- Jackson Browne - Rosie
- Janet Jackson - If
- John Prine - Donald and Lydia10
- Kate Bush - Sat in Your Lap (Q)
- Kate Bush - The Warm Room (Q)
- Lady Gaga - Sexxx Dreams
- The Mamas and the Papas - Dedicated to the One I Love15
- Meat Loaf - All Revved Up With No Place to Go
- Michael Jackson - Beat It (Q)
- Mitski - Lonesome Love
- Mr. Bungle - The Girls of Porn
- Nerf Herder - Doin' Laundry
- No Doubt - Paulina 12
- Peter Gabriel - Shock the Monkey (Q)
- Pink - Fingers
- Pink - U + Ur Hand6
- The Pixies - Holiday Song (Q)
- The Police - Be My Girl (Sally)
- Porno For Pyros - Porno For Pyros
- Prince - Darling Nikki
- The Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need a Man
- Radiohead - Thinking About You
- Robyn Hitchcock - The Man With the Lightbulb Head
- Say Anything - Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too 9
- Steel Panther - Tomorrow Night8
- Stone Temple Pilots - Unglued (Q)
- Thomas Dolby - Keys to Her Ferrari
- Three Doors Down - Here Without You (Q)
- Thunderheist - Jerk It 3
- Toni Braxton - You're Making Me High 10
- Tori Amos - Icicle
- Tweet - Oops (Oh My) 5
- The Undertones - Teenage Kicks (Q)
- Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
- The Vapors - Turning Japanese
- Ween - Mr. Richard Smoker
- The Who - Pictures of Lily
- XTC - Pink Thing
Can you think of another one? Slap it in the comments.
1 Thanks @thatcomputerguy
2 Thanks Evil Faerie Girl
3 Thanks Kclarke5
4 Thanks @hendersonsk
5 Thanks Rachel Fee
6 Thanks Hey Lady!
7 Thanks Rachel Berdan!
8 Thanks John Young!
9 Thanks baby sis!
10 Thanks @PrairieTweeter!
11 Thanks @SteveStax!
12 Thanks @EdJackman!
13 Thanks Derek!
14 Thanks @Hillaryously!
15 Thanks @Yelrihsnhoj!
15 Thanks @George_Goodall, who pointed out that this song and album have a little-known connection to Hunter S. Thompson.
Originally posted Jan 11, 2011. Updated November 2013, June 2019.
20 comments:
Say Anything- Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too...a real gem of a song about the m-bates.
the canadian comedy duo...played the spoke when i managed there- merry christmas handjob.
maclean and maclean- sorry, forgot to add that in there!
Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
Thunderheist - Jerk It
I used to sing Green Day's Longview at karaoke. Every once in awhile someone would come up to me after I sang it and get really quiet and say "you do know that song is about masturbation, right?"
Doesn't get any more blatant than the Divinyls and I Touch Myself
Sis & Morrissey House: Thanks! I'll take a look at those.
Katrina: Flagpole Sitta is questionable, but I'll consider it. :) And check out Thunderheist.
Rick: Hahah. That one is pretty explicit. It would be hard to sing the lyrics "when masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking lazy" without, you know, seeing the masturbation part.
Anon: That was in there but somehow out of alphabetical order. Thanks!
Michael Bolton - Time, Love, and Tenderness
Bwahah, the lyrics totally fit.
Tweet - Oops (Oh My). It's always been one of those timeless classics. Special appearance by Missy Elliot.
you're pretty hot with guyliner
R.E.M. - The One I Love
"Pink" has a song about masturbation ("U and Ur Hand"). Though it's blatantly about masturbation, no creative thinking required, like some on your list.
Also, you ruined several song I used to be able to listen to with my mother in the car, now not so much. Thanks douche.
Wow, I haven't visited your blog in ages and THIS is the post I come back to? Definitely returning more often, this is clearly high-quality content.
Clearly. This is quality content you won't find anywhere else. It's amazing I don't even charge money for all this.
I'm still waiting for the post listing songs to masturbate to......
The Beautiful South: Tonight I Fancy Myself.
The Undertones - Teenage Kicks, Kate Bush - The Warm Room, Kate Bush - Under The Ivy.
Has no one else heard a song where the dude says "When i am all alone/I reach out for my bone". I believe its called Romantic Song (Little Too Rough) but i cant find it anywhere. Please help!
Vapors - turning japanese
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