Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I have been thinking a lot about apostrophes lately. I believe apostrophes are very important blotches of ink. Last weekend, signs all over London advertised the "Kids Expo" in Victoria Park.

Now see, leaving out the apostrophe (i.e., "kids" instead of "kids'" or "kid's") should lead any thoughtful English-speaker to doubt that this is some innocent fair, and instead picture a creepy nightmare. An apostrophe would tell you that this is an exposition for kids. Instead, we have the apostrophe-free exposition of kids.

I see that missing apostrophe, and I picture tents with kids kneeling on tables, being weighed and measured and inspected. I picture people stopping by, saying things like "quality kid you got there," "nice colour on that one," "got any tips for growing a kid like that?", and "how much for your kid?"

Imagine my surprise when I saw that the expo featured kids running free and having fun, enjoying the things on exhibition rather than being them. 

Another example of apostrophe atrophy can be found in nearly any public place, where you will find the "mens" and "womens" washrooms. This is an even worse offender than "kids," because "men" is already plural. Do we go in there to wash our teeths and feetses? I hope there are no mices in there. Oh yeah, and where is the washroom for childrens?

One day I will own a restaurant where you will find signs pointing to MAN WASHROOM and WOMAN WASHROOM. It will be a proud sponsor of the the annual Activities for Children Festival.

--Apostrophe Apostle

The Plan

My infrequent blogging lately is a symptom of two things:

1) Working all day / partying all night.

2) Waiting for something worth writing about before writing.

However, I've always insisted that the best blogs are the ones that give an insight into the consciousness of the blogger. Such blogs are usually best done in fleeting spare moments, with no planning or waiting for inspiration. Thus, I'm gonna start kicking it old-school and dropping more frequent, less meaningful posts. Tonight we gonna bloggy like it's 1999.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Tweeting With the Stars, Volume 7: Chris Harrison

Chris Bharrison Harrison has been the host of The Bachelor and its spinoffs for the past decade. Last night, just after the latest Bachelorette1, I discovered a horrible secret.

Call the presses! Specifically, Fox News, because they'll confuse comedy with real news and make me famous for blowing the lid off this scandal.

Oh and what a scandal it would be! Why not? These days, someone nobody's heard of can become a celebrity for tweeting a wiener (as long as his name induces lulz), so apparently people will pay attention to anything on a slow news day.

Know what doesn't make you a celebrity? Merely getting your Twitter name mentioned by an influential person, such as a reality show host with 65 000 followers, or the national news, will get you exactly this many new followers:


To get followers (in Twitter or in life), you have to engage with people, not just be exposed.

(Unless it is your penis that is exposed).

Thank you for listening to my social media expertise. That will be $5000 please.

1 omggg ladies, is Bentley not just every girl's worst nightmare? Am I right or am I right?

See also:

Oh and hey, if you like this blog, go like it on Facebook so you don't miss any updates. Not that you would, since you didn't miss this one, but maybe you will get dumber by next time I post. You ain't getting any younger you know.