Remember when I told you about my new favourite writer, Kitty Glitter? Well, s/he put up a Fiverr gig to write a story about Meow Solo and Zooey Deschanel (stars of Wil Wheaton: Teenage Hump Machine and its sequel, Ashton Kutcher's Space-Sex Rampage), featuring me, for five bucks. I know, bargain!
Here it is in its entirety. Also check out the illustrated version over on Ms. Glitter's blog.
"Where The Zooey Deschanel Blood Enters The Heart" by Kitty Glitter
Zooey Deschanel held up the giant strip of apricot fruit rollup and read aloud from the drippy words written on it in marshmallow foam.
"Uh like just poison...like everything uh but do not poison my pussy. Uh my pussy...the end."
Meow Solo raised his hand from the tiny schoolhouse deskchair he was sitting in.
"Dr. Phronk, excuse me, but how can this couple's therapy work if Zooey Deschanel's poems are so crappy?"
"Don't be totally mean," said Dr. Phronk in his erudite British voice.
The bald doctor resembled a young Captain Jean Luc Picard except for the proper pair of black rimmed spectacles perched atop his beak of a nose.
"This isn't a poetry workshop," said Dr. Phronk, "this is like to cure your sexual-bestiality relationship with Zooey Deschanel."
"Whatevs," hissed Meow Solo through his full pouty kitteh lips, "but she's the one who started it."
"Hmmph whatevs Mew Sulu!" laughed Zooey Deschanel, "you totally started it by putting my uh squirting on blast."
"Yeah cuz when I eat you out my eyes get splashed and your pussy is a grapefruit," said Meow Solo, "the scientists from the Puppeh kingdom said that my retina was burned from citric acid. They replaced them with cybercronic enhancements just so I could still pass the renewal test for my space cat's pilot's license."
"Whatevs," said Zooey Deschanel with a shrug of her shoulders, "it's like four hundred percent of your daily allowance of vitamin C."
"Allow me to interject here," said Dr. Phronk, "but cats don't need vitamin C."
"I don't care what Mew Sulu needs," said Zooey Deschanel, "can we fingerpaint now?"
"Whatevs," said Meow Solo, throwing his desk across the room, "this isn't fair I never got to read the poem I wrote!"
"I'm so sorry Commandant Solo," said Dr. Phronk, "by all means go forth. Go forth and astonish us with your totally awesome writing."
"Faster than light, Taurus SHO, Lesben in under 69 parclits, feline pilot extraterrestrial, supernatural Meow Solo terrestrial."
"OMG," said Zooey Deschanel, "Nobody cares about your stupid SHO Mew Sulu."
"Whatevs," said Meow Solo, "stop calling me Mew Sulu, Snowy Chedanel!"
"Take my hands," said Dr. Phronk, "and I shall escort you to the fingerpainting room in the basement. Crazy painting will help break all this tension."
"Uh...yay!" said Zooey Deschanel.
Twenty minutes later...
In Dr. Phronk's paint splattered basement...
"Uh uh uh uh uh uh," sang Zooey Deschanel, "doin the pussy slide!"
Zooey Deschanel sang and danced naked around Dr. Phronk, her wet vagina spraying a mist of pussydew into the air.
A thick splash of the pussy juice splattered across the canvas that Meow Solo happened to be working on with his paws, the juice ran together with the black ink that outlined the face of Benedict Cumberbatch's arch-enemy Jim Moriarty.
The ink ran until the Moriarty face became a smear of dog's droppings.
"Whatevs," cried Meow Solo, "your p-dew totally smeared my awesome portrait of Jim Moriarty, our relationship is ruined."
Dr. Phronk sat quietly in his La-Z-Boy brand armchair chewing on a Milky Way chocolate bar and sniffing at the droplets of Deschanalia in the air holding his breathe for twenty seconds in order to absorb the full Deschanel into his blood.
If not for his PHD in psychology Dr. Phronk would not have even known about the proper breathing intervals for Deschanalian vaginal extract.
"I must confess," said Dr. Phronk, "this whole therapy session has been a totally awesome trap. For seven years now I have wanted only one thing...the touch, the scent, the feel, and the look of Zooey Deschanel. Her sexy boobs her Katy Perry legs and her hot voice that is like 'uh i'm alone on a bicycle built for two'."
Dr. Phronk pulled an electrochronic star map from his pocket and unfolded it to reveal Zooey Deschanel's va jay-jay but all blue and glittery like a Lite Brite.
"I have mapped out the quadrants of her pussy," said Dr. Phronk, "in order to produce the proper o-gasm. An o-gasm which a kitteh tongue, running off of simple space pilot's training, could never achieve!"
"Uh by my pussy!" said Zooey Deschanel, "is all this you speak the uh truth?"
Then all of sudden the glass cellar door that led into Dr. Phronk's basement shattered and a glider carrying a tall
dark haired man wearing tinted glassed landed in the basement.
Dr. Ian Malcolm crashes the scene with a desperate message from Planet 69!
"Listen you three it's ah ah me Dr. Ian Malcolm, chaos theory person and also Jeff Goldblum's character in ah Jurassic Park."
"Why have you interjected yourself into this therapy session Dr. Malcolm? As your colleague I demand answers on the double!" said Dr. Phronk.
"The dinosaurs ah," said Dr. Ian Malcolm, "are back on planet 69. I need your help!"
Zooey Deschanel pulled her blue panties back on and said, " C'mon Mew Sulu, we have to help Dr. Ian Malcolm, it's our duty as space heroes."
So Dr. Phronk, Zooey Deschanel, and Meow Solo jumped onto Dr. Ian Malcolm's glider and the four heroes flew off into space.
To be continued in JOURNEY TO PLANET 69...
I genuinely laughed my ass off at this. And it was nice to spend some quality time with Zooey Deschanel, if only in fiction ( :( ). Thanks Kitty!
Oh and hey, look, I found this slot machine when I was in Vegas a few weeks ago:
There was also this one, which is ... just ... why? WHY?