Saturday, September 22, 2012

"Shy at First Butt" - The Horrors of Internet Dating Volume 11

Click for embiggening

Welcome to another instalment of The Horrors of Internet Dating. I've been mostly single for a few months now, so I'm about ready to start filling the emptiness in my soul with browsing the seediest parts of the Internet and making questionable decisions.

Let's start positive, with some people who actually seem awesome.


Hot.

Fiery.

Um. Poopy?


Ok, so usually if someone says she is HILARIOUS, the opposite is true, but this rambling, contradictory mess of a profile turned out to be legit funny. Most profiles lack personality entirely, so, more like this pls.

Ok, let's have some more fun.


No wait, let's not. No fun allowed. Instead, let's get to the "horror" part:


Is there any good way to reply to a message like this? Do you really want a stranger critiquing your profile? And is this a good way start a relationship? The real answer was probably that you're just one of the 99% of the human population that I'm not attracted to. Sometimes I have to click a profile to determine that. But after this message, the deal breaker is that you send creepy messages to people on Plenty of Fish.


There are several things to point out in the above. First, no indication of whose profile this is. Second, guy in green looks like he's pooping. Third, random dude in the middle is the only one blanked out. Why? Did he special request to not be in any dating profile pics? Is he a secret agent or something? Is he Bansky?

People have other odd ways of protecting their friends' identities when they apparently haven't heard of cropping. (Only the black bars are mine in the pictures below)


Forget you, I wanna meet your friend who's somehow become pixelized IRL!


I don't think I want to meet you. Apparently standing beside you makes one a target for snipers. RIP lady with exploded head.

Um:



Kink is in and everything, but I'm pretty sure that's going too far. Speaking of kink though, let's end with a sneak preview of what will probably be my next blog post:

and



No problem! One Christian Grey coming right up. But don't wait for a message...I'll just use my riches to stalk you then imprison you in my sex dungeon. You asked for it!

Until next time. Stay sketchy my friends.



Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Book Review: Bloodsucking Fiends, by Christopher Moore

Oh look, I'm reviewing yet another vampire novel. Whatever. Just be happy I haven't resorted to Twilight yet.

Bloodsucking Fiends tells the story of a newly formed vampire who, in order to function in modern society, recruits a human to do stuff for her during the day. Inevitably and for no good reason, they fall in love with each other.

Christopher Moore is known for writing humour, and that is really the main draw here. The ridiculous situations and jokes embedded in every sentence make for an entertaining read.

Plot-wise, it's not as strong. Events seem to unfold only for the sake of setting up the next event, or sometimes for no reason at all other than for a punchline. Entire plot lines are introduced with good promise, but then left as pointlessly dangling as a classic vampire's cape. Maybe the two sequels pick them up.

If you're into sexy vampires (as opposed to scary vampires), there are certainly less sucky ways to spend your time than reading Bloodsucking Fiends.

Friday, September 07, 2012

The Western Fair: An Escape From Reality

As I mentioned in my previous post about dying on The Zipper, it was about a year ago when I became one of Western Fair's "real serious bloggers." The Fair opens today, and in honour of that, here is last year's post about the Fair closing. Get out and enjoy it while you can! Maybe you, too, will find a penis dog to call your own.

An Escape From Reality

It is sad to bid farewell to the fair for another year, but not too sad. I think part of the appeal of the Western Fair is that it only comes once a year. It’s an escape from reality, and reality is not something I’d want to abandon for too long.

.

Reality usually has me safe on the ground, in control of my own motion. The Western Fair has me flung high in the air by rusty metal machines controlled by questionable strangers. It’s a thrill to momentarily leave the comfort of solid ground, but it’s not something I’d want to do every day.

 

Reality usually has me watching what I eat, exerting at least some self-control so I don’t end up unhealthy or nauseous. The Western Fair, again, encourages me to give up some control, because the typical fair food of corn dogs, fries, cotton candy, and elephant ears are not exactly health supplements. It’s nice to give in and pig out for a few nights, but I probably wouldn’t survive doing it every night.

          

Then there’s the freshest of food: animals. Reality has me chilling with my fellow humans, and maybe the occasional cats and dogs. The Western Fair gets me up close and personal with everything from tiny just-hatched chicks, to medium-sized pigs in cowboy hats, to giant horses. I’m real serious, that horse’s butt was above my head. While it’s nice to get in touch with nature occasionally, it’s not something--

Oh, who am I kidding, I’d hang out with this guy every day:



And this was pretty fun:

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Still, the fact that the Fair only comes once a year is part of what makes it such a delightful escape from the everyday. I’ve had a blast, and I’m very thankful to the folks who made this happen. See you in a year, Western Fair.

P.S. Yes, I know what that corn dog looks like.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Fear the Zipper

Wow, it's September already. A year ago, I entered a contest to blog about London's big September event, the Western Fair, and was chosen as one of the official "Real Serious Bloggers." As with all things in life, I took it as an opportunity to see what I could get away with. Here is the first post that was on the Western Fair blog last year, reposted for your pleasure. Stay tuned for the deleted scene that I couldn't get away with.

Fear the Zipper

The Zipper is the best ride at the Western Fair. Know why? Because the Zipper doesn’t mess around.

Most rides are like, hey kid, you wanna get freaked out? I’m gonna spin you in a circle for a while. Maybe lift you off the ground a bit. The Zipper though, the Zipper is like, hey kid, wanna feel like you’re gonna die? I’m gonna spin you in a giant circle high in the air, but sometimes you’ll be upside-down, sometimes you’ll be right-side-up, and sometimes you won’t even know where you are because your head just got banged around pretty good.

Just looking up at the Zipper from the ground is intimidating. The angry steel monstrosity dips up and down, changing speeds randomly like it’s alive, sometimes swooping past the ground just on the other side of a rickety fence that wasn’t there yesterday. If you were standing there, your head would be taking a vacation from your body.

the Zipper 

The Zipper doesn’t mess around. The Zipper locks you in a rusty cage then shakes it around, holding you in only by a door latched shut by the same carnie who takes childlike delight in flipping your cage upside-down before the ride starts.

Even if you survive the Zipper, it’s gonna haunt you. Your vestibular system and stomach don’t appreciate being all rearranged, so good luck finishing that elephant ear. If you ride it enough, when you close your eyes to go to sleep, all you’re gonna see is spinning fairground, and the sound of screams and warbling heavy metal will be stuck in your eardrums.

For me, that’s the best way to get a thrill out of a ride. To know that it’s a bit dangerous. Not that dangerous--I’m sure there’s a better chance of getting hurt crossing the street to the fair than of being one of the Zipper’s victims--but when you’re being flung about in a creaking cage, such rationality doesn’t cross your mind. The Zipper doesn’t mess around with the illusion of safety, and that’s why it’s the most seriously serious fun at the fair.




In my original version of the post, this sentence was in the paragraph after the picture:

The Zipper has killed several people and injured countless others.

I guess the people at Western Fair didn't like that so much, so I had to remove it.