Sunday, November 03, 2013

The Complete List of Songs About Masturbation

Sometimes, when blogging inspiration just isn't whacking you in the face, it helps to engage in little intellectual games that you play with yourself. Like coming up with lists. Like coming up with lists of songs about masturbation.

Here is a list of songs that are all about wanking. There are other lists (see also) out there, but many are only top tens, or have a hundred songs with artists you've never heard of shoving in a single line about jerkin' the gherkin' or butterin' the muffin. I want this to be a complete list of songs dedicated to chocking the chicken or slamming the clam.

Notable pattern: if you know someone with the name Billy, he's probably dancing with himself right now. Billies make one-eye cry more than any other name.

Also, shout out to Pink, who has two entries, nailing both male and female masturbation.

[Note: This was originally posted in 2011 but has been refreshed for 2013]
  • Alice Cooper - Muscle of Love
  • Barenaked Ladies - It's Only Me (The Wizard of Magicland)
  • Billy Bragg - St. Swithin's Day
  • Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
  • Billy Joel - Captain Jack
  • Billy Squier - The Stroke
  • Britney Spears - The Touch of My Hand
  • Bruce Springsteen - Ramrod
  • Buffalo Tom - Sodajerk
  • The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
  • Caesars - Jerk it Out (Q)
  • Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-Ling
  • Clarence Carter - Strokin'
  • Corn Nuts Radio Jingle (link) 4
  • Crispin Glover - Auto-Manipulator
  • The Cure - Close to Me
  • Cyndi Lauper - She Bop
  • The Dandy Warhols - Get Off
  • The Decemberists - Billy Liar
  • Devo - Praying Hands
  • Dinosaur Jr. - Severed Lips
  • The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
  • The Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy
  • The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm 7
  • Electric Six - Vibrator
  • The (English) Beat - Mirror in the Bathroom (Q) 1
  • Elton John - Rocket Man (Q)
  • Elvis Costello - Pump it Up
  • Faith No More - Epic (Q)
  • Faith No More - Jizzlobber
  • The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly
  • Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Relax (Q)
  • Gary Numan - Every Day I Die
  • Great Lake Swimmers - Pulling on a Line (Q)
  • Green Day - All By Myself13
  • Green Day - Longview
  • Halestorm - I Get Off 2
  • Jackson Browne - Rosie
  • Janet Jackson - If
  • John Prine - Donald and Lydia10
  • Kate Bush - Sat in Your Lap (Q)
  • Lady Gaga - Sexxx Dreams
  • Meat Loaf - All Revved Up With No Place to Go
  • Michael Jackson - Beat It (Q)
  • Mr. Bungle - The Girls of Porn
  • Nerf Herder - Doin' Laundry
  • No Doubt - Paulina 12
  • Peter Gabriel - Shock the Monkey (Q)
  • Pink - Fingers
  • Pink - U + Ur Hand6
  • The Pixies - Holiday Song (Q)
  • The Police - Be My Girl (Sally)
  • Porno For Pyros - Porno For Pyros
  • Prince - Darling Nikki
  • The Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need a Man
  • Radiohead - Thinking About You
  • Robyn Hitchcock - The Man With the Lightbulb Head
  • Say Anything - Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too 9
  • Steel Panther - Tomorrow Night8
  • Stone Temple Pilots - Unglued (Q)
  • Thomas Dolby - Keys to Her Ferrari
  • Thunderheist - Jerk It 3
  • Toni Braxton - You're Making Me High 10
  • Tori Amos - Icicle
  • Tweet - Oops (Oh My) 5
  • Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
  • The Vapors - Turning Japanese
  • Ween - Mr. Richard Smoker
  • The Who - Pictures of Lily
  • XTC - Pink Thing


Q = Questionable. Could be about something other than bashing the bishop or brushing the beaver. Probably drugs.

Can you think of another one? Slap it in the comments.


1 Thanks @thatcomputerguy
2 Thanks Evil Faerie Girl
3 Thanks Kclarke5
4 Thanks @hendersonsk
5 Thanks Rachel Fee
6 Thanks Hey Lady!
7 Thanks Rachel Berdan!
8 Thanks John Young!
9 Thanks baby sis!
10 Thanks @PrairieTweeter!
11 Thanks @SteveStax!
12 Thanks @EdJackman!
13 Thanks Derek!

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Originally posted Jan 11, 2011. Updated November 2013.