Phronk.com

iBooks, eBooks, and Episodic Writing

2012-01-21T11:17:00.001-05:00

Apple announced a new version of iBooks for iPad on Thursday, focusing on how it can deliver inexpensive textbooks to students. It's being pushed as a revolution in education, but does the same update have applicability outside of the classroom?

Aside from the (often gimmicky) interactive widgets and other benefits of electronic books, they offer "current" as another advantage of electronic books. The main idea here, in the context of textbooks, is that a new edition can be distributed inexpensively, without the need to buy a new 5-pound $300 book every year. I see potential for another use: episodic fiction.

Serial publishing is not new. When advances in technology and economy allowed magazines to be widely distributed in the 19th century, it was popular for authors to release long works in short segments. As magazines shifted their focus away from episodic fiction and television replaced that niche, the idea of a serialized work of text started to die (with occasional exceptions, like Stephen King's The Green Mile). Today, we're facing more leaps in technology and in the economics of distribution that, I think, have potential to bring serial fiction back.

Imagine this: you hear about an author releasing a story with an intriguing premise. You download the first "episode," then every, say, Wednesday, you get a notification alerting you that a new episode is out. Either for a small fee per episode (99 cents seems fair) or a flat "season pass," you get new content every Wednesday for a few months, automatically updated and waiting for you when you open iBooks.

I'm not sure if this is how iBooks currently works (the new textbook stuff, as usual, locks out Canadians), but they seem to be going in that direction with the "books as apps" model. It's not unique to Apple, either; the same thing could easily be implemented on any other e-reader with minor tweaks. It's been attempted, but Apple's app model demonstrates how streamlined it could be¹. And in a generation that often prefers TV to movies and Twitter to blogs, maybe we're ready for bite-sized fiction's big comeback.

Would you buy a book that updates itself with new content every week? Really, I'm asking, because I have a few stories in the file drawer, and I'm seriously considering experimenting to try turning these tumultuous times into something awesome.

¹ Note that Apple's new updates come with a giant catch: a ridiculous license agreement. The main problem is that if you use iBooks Author to create a work, you can only sell that work through iTunes. It's equivalent to buying a guitar, then finding an attached note saying you can only sell your music through Gibson's store. Ridiculous. Hopefully this gets changed, or people realize simple workarounds (change one word in the file using different software; tada! All-new work that can be sold wherever you want).

A Critical Analysis of London's "City of Opportunity" Unofficial Theme Song

2012-01-16T21:46:00.001-05:00

Photo by Scott Webb

When London Ontario's mayor, Joe Fontana, revealed an unofficial theme song for the city, reactions were, to put it kindly, not positive.

If you haven't seen it, here (fast forward to 1:19:30) is the awkward unveiling that would be right at home on one of the "so uncomfortable it's funny" sitcoms like The Office or Party Down or Parks and Recreation.

The problem with the song is that it fails to fulfil its intended purpose of getting people pumped about the city of London. Like, listen to the music; it sounds like it could've come out in the era of the London Tigers (perhaps because Jim Chapman penned the hilariously violent "Tear 'Em Up Tigers" theme song as well). "Stuck in 1990" doesn't exactly scream "exciting modern city."

Then there are the lyrics. Let's go through them:

Imagine a city where the river runs through it

Ok Jim, lemme give it a try. Closing my eyes...imagining...oh look, it's half the cities in the world! Having access to a source of water doesn't differentiate our city. Couldn't you have at least mentioned the forks of the river?

Imagine a city where dreams can come true
Imagine your future how you want it to be

Imagine a city full of unicorns and glitter and Care Bears!

In London, the city of opportunity
Imagine a factory where none was before

As opposed to a factory built on the ruins of another factory? Regardless, it's hard to imagine a more mundane feature than a factory. Except...

Imagine an office, imagine a store

Wait, wait. Stop. You're telling me London has an office and a store? Here, let me add some more lyrics that'll jazz up this little ditty:

Imagine a building.
Imagine this sandwich.
Imagine some cardboard.

[Blah blah more lyrics that are so general and meaningless that they could apply to any city, or really, any topic at all]

One of London's image problems is a perception of blandness, and the mayor shoving this auditory pablum into our ears only confirms that perception.

The chorus sums it up:

The closer you look, the more that you see, that
London is the city of opportunity!

Translation: if you squint really hard and look closely, there might be potential for something to happen in London, sometime. "Opportunity" is a future-facing thing. While having a future is all well and good, in the context of this musical tour through Humdrum City, it implies that we're a town sitting around waiting around for its big opportunity to do anything relevant.

See here's the thing: we can do better than this. I'm not gonna say "anyone could write this song," because I certainly couldn't. However, I've seen plenty of genuine creativity in this city. Art that goes beyond platitudes and clichés. Even the responses to this jingle, like the dubstep remix, Baptized in Blood's metal cover, and Jason's Downfall parody, are more fresh and in touch with reality than the original.

The song has had the ironic effect of showcasing some of London's talent and enthusiasm through their negative reactions to it. We wouldn't be complaining about it if we didn't love this city—and not just for its "opportunities," but for what it is now. You don't have to look too close to see that.

The Best Most Listened-To Albums of 2011

2011-12-27T18:13:00.000-05:00

I use Last.fm to keep track of all the music I listen to, and every year I like to look back and see which music I listened to most, then post the top 10 here for all to see and judge.

I've bolded ten albums throughout these lists. Call these my consciously chosen top 10, if I was going by something other than the number of times I've played them.

Before getting to the top 10, here are some honourable mentions that didn't crack the top ten. I'd totally recommend giving these a listen if you were into music.

The Black Keys - El Camino
Born Gold - Bodysongs
Cake - Showroom of Compassion
Cut Copy - Zonoscope
David Guetta - Nothing But the Beat
The Dears - Degeneration Street
The Decemberists - The King is Dead, and Long Live the King
Dum Dum Girls - Only in Dreams
Florence and the Machine - Ceremonials
Justice - Audio, Video, Disco
Kanye West and Jay Z - Watch the Throne
Ladytron - Gravity the Seducer
Man Man - Life Fantastic
Neon Indian - Era Extrana
Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds (self-titled)
Radiohead - The King of Limbs
The Rapture - In the Grace of Your Love
Rihanna - Talk That Talk
Tycho - Dive
Washed Out - Within and Without
Zola Jesus - Conatus

And now, the top ten:

10. Lights - Siberia

It may be hard to see past the Biebs when it comes to Canadian pop music, but Lights manages to shine through. Her second album avoids being more of the same, with a sound that borrows some of the griminess of dubstep without sounding like she's trying too hard (see #3 on this list), but avoiding the grime of cheap sleazy lyrics (again, see #3 on this list).

See also: my review of Lights' concert at London Music Hall. Oh and another lovely pop album this year was Ellie Goulding's "Lights."

9. MUTEMATH - Odd Soul

I hadn't paid much attention to MUTEMATH before 2011, despite their insistence on ALWAYS SHOUTING THEIR NAME. Their new bluesy, perhaps soulful sound managed to hook me. I couldn't stop listening to Odd Soul.

8. The Antlers - Burst Apart

It's not exactly a feel-good album, but Burst Apart pokes the same "happy to be sad" buttons as bands like Portishead. If you couldn't tell by the title, "Putting the Dog to Sleep" ends it in a place so depressing it almost circles back to funny.

7. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart - Belong

I tried turning The Pains of Being Pure at Heart into an acronym - TPBPH - then saying it out loud. Try it out, it's hilarious. TPBPH. Teepeebeepee. LOL. Anyway, good album.

6. Mister Heavenly - Out of Love

I've expressed doubt about supergroups before, but the unholy union of Islands' Nicholas Thorburn, Man Man's Honus Honus, and Modest Mouse's Joe Plummer is a possible exception. It starts with Bronx Sniper, which could almost be mistaken for an Islands song. But then Honus's gravelly vocals kick in, complementing and transforming the sound into something unique. Is this "doom-wop" any better than the members' individual projects? Probably not, but it's still worth sticking in your ear holes.

5. M83 - Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

M83 made #1 on my 2008 list, and this long-awaited follow-up is just as worthy. Its impact still relies heavily on being soaked in nostalgia, but it's now taken to a more epic scale, bringing in every genre, instrument, and cliche you can think of. It could've been a mess, but there is a certain feeling that holds on through all 22 tracks. This album is a dream come true and you should hurry up and listen to it.

4. Mother Mother - Eureka

Meh. I probably wouldn't have chosen to put this in my top ten, but there it is. Mother Mother has their own sound, and Eureka is a more Mother-Mother-ish album than any before. It almost borders on self-parody, with the cheesy little-girl voices and forced quirkiness. Like, in The Stand, "everyone's f---ed an they don't even know" is censored throughout, until the end, when he finally blurts out "fucked," then laughs as if it's the most edgy, uproarious trick to hit music since Get the Funk Out. Oh you. If the music itself wasn't so damn catchy, I could maybe hit the stop button.

See also: my close encounter with Mother Mother.

3. Britney Spears - Femme Fatale

Errr. Whatever. Like I said last year, I'm no longer reluctant to admit that I listen to a lot of painfully mainstream music. And as far as mainstream goes, Britney does it well. The first half of Femme Fatale is some of the best dance-pop I heard this year. Its thrills come cheap—the breakdown in Hold It Against Me is a blatant grab at dubstep's exploding popularity, and the album's lyrics scream "omg sex! Look how much sex is here!"—but still, it works. There are even moments that could be considered clever, like in the weirdly moving ode to breakup sex, Inside Out, when Britney moans "hit me one more time," then "you're the only one who ever drove me crazy," jamming her past hits into a new context. The last few songs lose steam, but there are a few that I can't help but listen to over and over, so Britney's handlers done good.

2. The Sounds - Something to Die For

I was only vaguely familiar with this Swedish band before this year, but then my girlfriend sent Something to Die For over, thinking I would like it. She knows me well. I'm a sucker for music inspired by the 80s, and on this album The Sounds embrace the synth-pop aspect of that decade. The lyrics aren't exactly deep, or entirely comprehensible English ("something is worth to die for"???), but that hardly matters when you're bobbing your head and longing to bounce on a pogo ball.

1. Lady GaGa - Born This Way

Oh how things have changed. Lady GaGa won the only "worst album of the year" award I've ever given out, back in 2008, for The Fame. Yet things haven't really changed much, because she still makes catchy but vapid songs that get stuck in your head and your iPod. I was hoping for more from Born This Way. With GaGa pushing the boundaries in her videos and fashion choices, and Fame Monster going in some new directions musically, Born This Way could have taken it to the next level. Yet we're left with more of the same: some irresistible but by-the-numbers pop songs, with lyrics that are too literal and obvious to drum up any meaningful controversy (you're in love with Judas?! Oooh, scandalous!). But it's 17+ tracks, few of which are boring, so I guess I listened to more songs from this album than any other.

Criticism aside, Yoü and I is one of the best pop songs of the year, and comes with one of the best videos of the year:

There's the list. Oooh, and here's a pretty visualization from LastGraph:

Did I miss any music that you jammed in your ears this year? Let me know.

See also:

Book Review: The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins

2011-12-01T22:00:00.000-05:00

[Very minor spoilers lie ahead]

The Hunger Games tells the story of a teen girl living in a future, post-post-apocalyptic world, where an obviously-evil government keeps the people in line by throwing a handful of them into a televised fight to the death in an outdoor arena once a year. Although it doesn't happen right away (more on that later), it's pretty easy to guess that she gets involved in the titular Hunger Games.

The concept may sound like a sci-fi trope, but Collins does a good job of painting a world that feels unique despite borrowing pieces from other stories in its genres. The first third or so of the book is mostly setup for the inevitable beginning of the Games. It could've been boring, knowing the story is taking its time to begin, but it's interesting enough due to the colourful character development, world-building, and writing style.

Then the action kicks into gear, and something odd happens. The writing quality drops immediately the moment the Hunger Games actually begin. It's as if the latter two-thirds were written by another author (or an author who wrote the first chapters years after the latter ones). What begins as straightforward YA-level prose begins sounding like a teenager's blog. Rambling tangents come back with "anyway", ellipses replace proper punctuation, and there are outright typos. I half-expected sentences to start ending in "lol."

It's not too distracting, and makes some sense given the first-person narrator's age, but the fluctuation in style was a bit jarring.

Anyway, the story itself is about what you'd expect given the premise. There is some mild satire of reality television and some mild violence (but this ain't no Battle Royale). Some unexpected twists have impact, but some expected showdowns are a letdown. Maybe it's a further subtle bit of satire to have some of the major plot points happen "off camera," but it's anticlimactic storytelling. Despite my pickiness, it's a good story that's often hard to put down, and anyone who's up with the premise would enjoy it. I'm looking forward to the movie.

This was also the first book I read on a Kindle. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand, it was a joy being able to sit under a tree in the sunshine (yeah, took me a while to get around to this review) with the tiny Kindle in one hand, flipping pages with the push of a button. On the other, when I wanted to skim the book while writing this review, I couldn't. And what if I wanted to come back to it in 10 years? If technology changes too much, or Amazon bites the bullet, or I get another company's incompatible device, my DRM-infected e-book is lost.

I'll probably only use the Kindle for cheap books I'll never want to read again (Hunger Games fits that bill). In other words, my feelings haven't changed since I wrote this: Vote for Books: Screens vs. Real Paper. Go print that out and read it.

On Complaining About Technology

2011-11-29T19:24:00.001-05:00

I don't complain much, but when I do, it's usually about technology. I have an unfortunate combination of bad luck and high standards when it comes to gadgets. Literally, whenever I buy anything with greater complexity than lettuce, it has some flaw, either minor and only noticeable to my hyper-critical eye¹ or a major defects². At least nothing has outright exploded, though not everyone is so lucky (see: iPhone spontaneously combusts aboard flight). It's tempting to become a cynical old ass, shaking my wooden stick (not a microchip in it!) and grumbling about how quality control has gone down the stinker and nothing works like it should. I've certainly given into that temptation a few times.
But think of it this way:

We are a bunch of animals. We were crafted by nature to root around in the dirt, find food, then go home and fuck. Yet we've taken some of that dirt and, with nothing more than our grubby hands and abnormally large brains, we've made tubes of steel that can fly us through the air. We've burned sand until we have a slab of glass that allows us to have food delivered to us by poking at it. "Technology" isn't some mysterious black toaster that pops out perfect gleaming gadgets. We're literally grabbing whatever imperfect raw materials we find lying around the planet, and sticking them into arrangements that accomplish things no other animal can fathom.

Arthur C. Clarke said that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. But the people crafting our gadgets (and crafting the machines that craft our gadgets) are not magicians. They are humans, animals, maybe a bit smarter than you or I, but only by a little bit. They're working with limited time and limited resources. They get tired. Sometimes the best they can do is try pretty hard, and hope it's good enough.

Thinking of it this way, it's odd to complain.

Maybe a dead pixel on my phone's screen "shouldn't" be there, but a bunch of strangers managed to get me 614,399 working pixels that beam all of humanity's accomplishments directly into my eyes. I can probably live with it. I can probably manage to enjoy everything that works despite the small parts that don't.

There are exceptions; technologies that are defective by design (e.g., DRM, planned obsolescence) are inexcusable. The average gadget works pretty well though, and although it's not terrible to strive for perfection, I also need a moment to shut up and revel in the the awesomeness of the imperfect magic people have managed to weave.

¹ E.g., backlight bleed on my iPad 2, suboptimal battery life on my Kindle, phosphor trails on my TV.

² E.g., cutting out audio on my iPhone 4S, a computer with a display that occasionally turns to grey fuzz, six dead Xbox 360s.

P.S. Watch:

Both Halves of the Occu-pie Taste Like Crap

2011-11-09T10:28:00.000-05:00

I have mixed feelings about the occupy movement.

On one hand:

London's leadership is now officially the the douchiest in Canada. Last night, after a warning Tuesday morning, police descended on Victoria Park to steal the tents of the people who had been living there for the last two weeks. They were within their rights to do this, since there is a bylaw asking people not to put up tents in city parks. However, let's look at the actual warning that cited this bylaw:

Notice all those "unless authorized" exceptions. Hey, here's an idea to prevent people from breaking the law: authorize them to be there so it's no longer illegal. Apparently "we demand people giving us money for sunglasses, gangsta blankets, and overpriced meat" is good enough to skirt the bylaw (see: Sunfest, Ribfest, every other fest there in the summer). But "we demand a better future for our children"? GTFO!

The bottom line is that there were a bunch of tents sitting in one corner of a park, occupied by people who didn't hurt anyone (I walk through there every day, and it was more fun and felt more safe than it did before). Someone—maybe the mayor, maybe the police, maybe a combo—made the conscious decision to evict them from the park based on an optional bylaw. That decision was probably motivated by personal beliefs more than following any guidelines. That's not being a firm decision maker, being tough on crime, or being a good leader. No, failing to tolerate people you personally disagree with, that's simply being a giant asshole.

On the other hand:

The occupy movement is failing. It's clear from the general public's reaction to London's assholery that most people don't know, nor care, what the protestors are protesting. When the point is to raise awareness, to have not done so after months of occupying, that's a failure.

Signs, well-meaning people, and infographics attempt to explain the purpose of the protests. But they either contradict each other (or reality), are too vague to be meaningful, or complain about a problem without offering a solution.

Be mad.

The main focus has been the disparity between the wealthiest 1% of the population, who control a lot of the country's wealth, and the other 99% of the population, who don't. Ok. That's bad I guess. But how should things be different? The financial crisis in the United States is another focus. Banks fucked up and ruined the economy. That's bad. Yep. But it already happened, in another country with crappier laws, so how should things be different here, now?

It'd be nice to see a list of problems, with potential solutions offered by experts in the field.

E.g., to me it seems the problem isn't the 1% / 99% disparity itself, but how it got there. There are some giant assholes who make conscious decisions to scam or screw over other people to gain massive amounts of money. Many of the 1% have gotten their wealth through immoral or illegal means. The banking crisis is one result of this.

The solution, then, isn't some vague call to "close the gap". Rather, the solution is to stop people from gaining money at the expense of others. Find the people—not a vague type of person, but the exact, specific people—who are rich because they are assholes. Arrest them if possible. If not, bring in an expert to study them. Find out what laws and loopholes allow them to thrive, then change them.

Or something. The key is that the rich/poor disparity is a symptom of a problem, not the problem itself. "We are the 99%" isn't even pointing out a problem, let alone offering a solution. "Raise minimum sentences on white-collar crimes so that we 99% stop getting screwed by the criminals among the 1% and rewarding the worst side of human nature" is a less catchy slogan, but now you've got me listening, and a direction for taking action.

To sum up: I don't necessarily agree with the occupiers' muddled messages, but as long as they're expressing them peacefully, I fully support them being free to do so.

#Shorterfilms and Being Trendy on Twitter

2011-10-30T17:42:00.000-04:00

For the past two years, I've been on the board of the London Short Film Showcase. One thing I've been doing is running contests on Facebook and Twitter to promote the event (next Saturday at 7pm! Come!). On Friday, I posted this pair of tweets:

I figured a few local people would enter, which would get people talking about the event and raising awareness, but also having fun with a creative hash tag game. It became much bigger than that.

For an hour or so, I was afraid that I'd get zero entries. A few people directly involved with the Showcase participated, but that was about it. Then some local people entered. A few of them didn't get it at first, because my < 140 description wasn't great; they described an existing movie in one short sentence, instead of saying how a movie could be shorter (which is a good idea too, and a contest we ran last year).

But then more and more people from London got what I was going for, and began to participate. They followed the formula from my dumb examples, by tweeting descriptions of movies with a shortening alteration to the plot.

E.g.,

"Boat misses iceberg." (@twitch)
"Space police find the droids they were looking for." (@eplatero)
"Guy drinks too much. Takes Advil and drinks water. Gets married. No hangover." (@chadder87)

Eventually, people from outside of London began participating. It became harder and harder to keep track of "entries" in our contest.

I posted an entry of my own, twisting the formula to spice it up a bit: "I think I've heard enough, Sam."

Either following suite, or because it was a natural evolution of the idea, more and more people began expressing the same #shorterfilms idea in this new way.

E.g.,

"It *is* a tumor." (@nachofiesta)
"Hey, these ARE the droids we're looking for!" (@FatherShaggy)
"Dude, there's my car." (@memachine)

#shorterfilms spread, and it evolved. Shorter film titles were another variation ("Schindler's Post-It Note"; @daveeech). Then, a few hours after it started, it was the second-most tweeted about thing in Canada, if trending topics are to be trusted.

(It went up one after this)

Later in the day, The Globe and Mail even posted an article about the trend, citing it as a reason for "great Twitter moments".

So that's how a trending topic can start. I always wondered. Did #youcanthaveswag originate in a similar way?

As with most trending topics, by the end of the day, most of the entries were repeats or really bad, and some of the tweets were "wtf I dont understand teh #shorterfilms".

It was so cool to be involved with a "viral" trend right from the beginning to see how it evolved from a confusing contest to a country-wide sensation, with several mutations, then devolved right back to where it started before abruptly cutting off altogether. I've always been fascinated by how ideas spread, and Twitter gives a visibility into this process that was previously impossible.

Oh, and as an illustration of the difference between Twitter and Facebook: the same contest run on Facebook had five entries. Putting stuff on Facebook is like putting cold butter on toast; it doesn't spread.

So, that's how to be trendy. I now consider myself a social media expert. If you want to hire me for millions of dollars to promote your own crap, you should do that.

P.S. Come to the London Short Film Showcase next Saturday (Nov 5). It's gonna be awesome.

London Ontario Zombie Walk 2011

2011-10-24T18:03:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day for London's fifth annual zombie walk. I know I promised last year that I'd dress up this year, but, like, stuff is busy. I did at least get a chance to go snap some pictures, as per usual. Here they are...click for bigger.

It's always a highlight when the zombies hit up Victoria Park. As one dude said to me there, if someone were on hallucinogenics, it would be hard to differentiate from an actual zombie attack. Aside from the occasional texting zombie, the sights and sounds and chaos are like the real thing.

People reacting to zombies can be as entertaining as the zombies:

...wait what?

Even just being covered in fake blood can be enough of a costume.

But some people go all out, and they are some of my favourite people on the planet.

Kate

Andrea

Not all the zombies in attendance were human. There were also dogs and children.

Pregnant zombies rule. Especially because hey, look what pregnancy leads to eventually:

These kids did their best scary faces when they saw Pat Dryburgh's camera.

As I've said before, shit like this is what makes me proud to live in London. Next year I'm gonna do my part by going as a zombie rather than a boring alive person.

See also:

iOS 5 = Win, iCloud = Fail

2011-10-13T23:42:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Apple released an update to its iPhone/iPad operating system, iOS 5, alongside its new backup/syncing/interweb thing, iCloud.

iOS 5

iOS 5 is beautiful. You can read a complete list of new stuff elsewhere, but some of the new features really improve the devices that iOS powers. Notifications were a useless mess before, but now they're unobtrusive and easily accessible. Syncing without wires is similarly long overdue; now we just need wireless power and rat's nests of cables will be a thing of the past.

The split keyboard on the iPad is a nice option, but will take getting used to. Another iPad feature that nobody is talking about, for some reason, is multitasking gestures. Having to double-click the home button just to switch apps was getting pretty ridiculous. Now clawing at it with four fingers will do the trick. The iPad and iPhone are much better devices with iOS 5.

iCloud

Unfortunately, I'm less impressed by Apple's attempts to extend these devices to the cloud.

The promise of iCloud is amazing. You can update something on one device—add a contact, or work on an iWork document, or take a picture, or start a conversation, or buy a song—and it will automagically appear on all your devices.

For some things, this works beautifully. I cleaned up my contacts on my MacBook today, and without doing anything else, or even plugging anything in, they're cleaned up on my iPad, iPhone, and on iCloud.com.

Photo Stream

For other things, there are seemingly small issues that end up being dealbreakers. One new feature is that all photos are automatically published everywhere, viewable on any device with Photo Stream. While mildly creepy, I'm fine with that after I opt in for it. What's not fine is being unable to delete any photos after you take them. Seriously. If you accidentally take a shitty photo, or purposefully take a photo of your shit, it will be on every device forever. You can turn off Photo Stream and delete every photo, but you can't delete just that one photo of your dong that was only meant to be texted then discarded.

This is so ridiculous that it's almost as if they released iCloud without it by accident. I'm guessing it'll be fixed pretty soon, but it's dumb to have left it out initially. Maybe they're just waiting for a scandal to drum up free advertising.

iMessage

iMessage isn't technically part of iCloud, but it's sending messages over the internet, so maybe it should be. iMessage mysteriously detects whether the person you're texting has an iOS device, and if so, sends them a message via data rather than text messaging. It's very cool if you don't have an unlimited texting plan, or drop out of cell phone coverage a lot. Even cooler is that it works on the iPad and iPod touch as well, so you can finally text from them. Since they don't have phone numbers, you set up an email address to iMessage with. There is also the promise of being able to start a conversation on one device, but continue it on whatever other device you switch to.

Where it fails is that, from what I've seen so far, it doesn't deliver on that promise. iMessage doesn't associate your phone number with your email address(es), so if you're texting between phone numbers on an iPhone, then switch to an iPad, now you need to start a new conversation using the email address you set up on the iPad. You could use the email address the whole time, but that defeats the purpose of making it a texting alternative (coordinating this with people will be almost as bad as having to exchange PINs on BlackBerrys). This messy confusion sinks what was supposed to be a simplification of messaging.

Update Oct 15: I've managed to unify all my messages, at least with one person. It took some combination of the following: both of us added all of each other's iMessage phone numbers and email addresses to the same contact. We also made sure our "caller ID" (which has nothing to do with calling) in the message settings was the same on all of our devices (i.e., on an iPhone, it has to be changed to an email address instead of a phone number). Now, all communications show up in the same conversation, which syncs across all devices, just as promised. It's even smart enough to know that if you see the conversation on your unlocked iPad, it doesn't need to bother alerting you on your iPhone too. Cool. So it's possible to achieve the promise of iMessage, but it takes a lot of fiddling and coordination between the two people, and it's still not really clear how to do it.

iWork in the Cloud

I'm wondering why more people aren't complaining about this next problem. I haven't even seen it mentioned in reviews, somehow.

The aspect of iCloud I was most excited about is the ability to work on a document from any device, and have it always be synced up between devices, automatically. Currently, this works wonderfully for syncing a document between iOS devices. So, you can type up something on your iPad, and it will automatically show up on your...uh...iPhone I guess? But why the fuck would you want to do word processing on an iPhone?

Yeah. There is no way to have iCloud sync documents with an actual computer. It syncs photos and contacts just fine with OSX, but nooo, creating documents, the one thing that's still done best with a large screen and a keyboard, you can't do that on a computer.

I'm sure this feature is coming, but I'm baffled as to why this, what I think is the most useful application of iCloud, wasn't a priority to get out right away. As it is, iCloud is nothing more than an automatic backup for iWork documents.

But Still...

I don't wanna get into #firstworldproblem territory by complaining about nitpicky details in the OS of a supercomputer that I can carry around in my pocket. But still, these are some odd omissions among software that is so improved in every other way. I didn't see these problems addressed elsewhere, so I thought I'd get this up on the internet for other complainers to find. It'll probably all be fixed tomorrow, and then I'll be back to visions of happily skipping through a field of rainbow-coloured iPhones ~~while Jesus fellates Steve Jobs' corpse~~ .

Steve Jobs

2011-10-05T22:45:00.002-04:00

There is a famous story about Steve Jobs luring Pepsi president John Sculley to work for Apple. In Sculley's words:

"And then he looked up at me and just stared at me with the stare that only Steve Jobs has and he said do you want to sell sugar water for the rest of your life or do you want to come with me and change the world and I just gulped because I knew I would wonder for the rest of my life what I would have missed."

Apple did change the world, and couldn't have done it without Jobs. That's the inspiration I'll draw from Steve Jobs, highlighted now that he has died. That one person can change the world, by stubbornly sticking to a his own vision.

I probably won't change the world. Most people don't; not on the same scale. But I can at least avoid selling sugar water for the rest of my life.

If everyone worked to change the world for the better a fraction as much as Jobs did, imagine how much better the world could be.

Screw sugar water, oh and hey, screw cancer. RIP Steve Jobs.



A List of Words I Always Mistake for "Unicorn"

2011-10-03T22:00:00.000-04:00

Unicom
Uniform
Union
Uninform
Peppercorn

Thank you.

The Banana Incident: Perpetuating Racism by Suppressing Satire

2011-09-27T00:01:00.000-04:00

A few nights ago, a hockey fan threw a banana at a Wayne Simmonds, a black hockey player, during a game at the John Labatt Centre here in London Ontario. The symbolism of it was probably intentional, and it's a disgusting act of racism. I hope the perpetrator is caught and brought to justice (even if justice is just a mischief charge and humiliation).

But let's put this in perspective: nobody died. No bystanders saw the banana and thought "hey, I never thought of the connection between black people and monkeys! I think I'll become a racist now!" The hockey player himself blew it off as silly. Also: we are having serious discussions about something referred to as the banana incident.

That is hilarious.

Many people see the humour in it. I joked about it with some people on Twitter. In one reply, @famousandfave and I made racist comments about black and white iPhones; I referred to black as the "lesser colour," because my phone is white.

A few hours later, someone saw a snippet of this conversation and retweeted it with the comment "lesser colour? #UNFOLLOW". For good measure, she included London's hash tag, so that the whole city could be informed of my racism. Against black iPhones.

Of course, she failed to even read the context of the conversation, and when people pointed out that I was talking about Apple products and not people, she refused to acknowledge the mistake or apologize for publicly accusing someone of racism due to her failure in reading comprehension. She just called it #notfunny.

Some people share similar sentiments. That nobody should joke about racism, since it's such a serious issue. "Discrimination is not for jest," said one tweeter.

Respecting an issue and being able to joke about it are not mutually exclusive. They are, in fact, often complementary.

I can't believe I'm sucking all humour out of this by explaining it, but here is an example. By sarcastically applying racist stereotypes to iPhone colours, it is humourous, because it is taking a serious human issue and unexpectedly applying it to mundane inanimate objects. But it also serves the purpose of respecting the issue, by demonstrating that discrimination based on phone colours is just as arbitrary as discrimination based on skin colour.

Pointing out the absurdity of racism is both funny and in service of the greater good. This isn't a new idea; satire has been around since we were writing on papyrus (thanks Wikipedia).

Plus, ignoring all that, bananas are funny. They look a bit like weirdly bent dongs, and the word is fun to say ("banananannanaaa" lolz). As Freud would have said, sometimes a banana is just a banana.

If we discourage joking about racism or awkward racist incidents, either by blatantly saying "you shouldn't joke about that" or by failing to appreciate that a joke is a joke, the racists have won. Why? Because intolerance thrives best in the shadows.

Today, that's where racism lives. All decent people (and most people are decent) realize how irrational intolerance is. The remaining bigots, then, must remain hidden to thrive. They weasel around behind the scenes doing damage when nobody is looking.

We can't let them get away with that.

If we refuse to allow decent people to express themselves about racism—and that expression includes humour, sarcasm and satire—then we're only empowering the racists. We're allowing the dirtbags to keep dinking around in the dark, instead of draggin them into the light, sometimes dressed in a clown costume.

If you don't find something funny, the appropriate response is to not laugh. Telling people what they can or cannot joke about, or trying to publicly shame them, is its own form of intolerance. Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue fighting bigotry while somehow managing to enjoy life along the way.

Food Review: Haggis in a Can

2011-09-18T17:34:00.001-04:00

I took a trip to Niagara-on-the-Lake recently, and there is a little store there that sells stuff imported from Scotland. In addition to kilts and candy, I found something I knew I had to try: canned Haggis.

It came out of the can looking and smelling just like dog food, right down to the slimy white stuff at the bottom of the can.

The can recommended heating it in the microwave for four minutes, so I did as the can directed. After heating, it was a bit less clumpy, and more appetizing looks-wise. Smell-wise, not so much.

I didn't have a sheep's stomach handy to stuff it in, so I had to go with a non-traditional haggis preparation: haggis on buttered toast, with cheese on top. I broiled it in the oven for a few minutes, until the bread was crispy and the cheese was melty.

I dug in, trying a bit of the hot haggis on its own first. It struck me as very salty, but not terrible. With the cheese and toast mellowing it out, it was actually quite good. The main ingredient is lamb heart, which tastes pretty much like any other lamb muscle.

I recommend trying it if you ever get a chance. After all, yer a long time deid.

P.S. This is the latest link to my blog. Apparently it translates to "sauces shoot because you also want one".

See also:

Creativity vs. Teamwork

2011-09-06T21:38:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, my report cards would often describe me as "an independent worker."

It's one step above "doesn't play well with others," I suppose, but I wasn't exactly a collaborator. As an adult, I get similar descriptions on my performance evaluations at jobs and grad school.

But see, you know that saying about how if you want something done right? How you do it yourself? That.

Teamwork seems to stymie productivity, and even more so, creativity. A truly creative product is not just several good ideas mashed together. Rather, it's a set of cohesive ideas driven by a focused vision. When several people get involved, with their own mashups of ideas and egos, that focus is often lost.

Look at movies. The best of them are helmed by a single creative force (an auteur, if you wanna get fancy) whose vision bleeds through the necessarily collaborative process of creating a film. Citizen Kane, directed, written and starring Orson Welles, is generally regarded as a better film than the latest summer blockbuster directed by...well, who even pays attention to the director of crappy movies?

Look at music. The best bands usually have an overwhelming personality at the forefront. And if creativity was increased by teamwork, you'd think a supergroup with the best of several bands would dominate. But have any supergroups been better than the bands they were cobbled from? Have you heard that new Mick Jagger / Joss Stone / guy from Eurythmics song on the radio? Exactly.

Look at literature. How many of the greatest novels of all time have more than one author?

Look at technology. Few would argue that Apple's recent success doesn't have something to do with Steve Jobs' consistent and obsessive vision. His insistence on creating products that work and look good together, sometimes going against what a committee conducting a focus group would recommend, has lead to great success despite technology that may not always be the best in its class. I don't think Apple will now fail horribly without Steve, but they will lose something without a single creative force refusing to play well with others.

Teamwork is necessary for all but the smallest projects, and I've grudgingly gotten myself involved with several promising groups of great people lately. However, I think it helps to keep in mind that working as a team is hindering, rather than helping, creativity. A team has to take advantage of the additional time and resources afforded by a group, while fighting against the potential blow to artistry.

The best work tends to pop out after ideas have been bouncing around a single brain.

Book Review: Heart Shaped Box, by Joe Hill

2011-08-03T12:04:00.000-04:00

Heart Shaped Box tells the story of an aging rock star with a bad habit of buying morbid and unusual artifacts. One such artifact is a box (yes, in the shape of a heart) said to contain a ghost. Spoiler alert: it does.

This is a ghost story that doesn't fuck around. It's clear from the beginning that the ghost isn't there to flicker lights and make scary sounds. No, he's there to make his enemies die in the most painful way possible. Few characters make it through the book without suffering horribly.

Hill manages to take simple archetypes—the past-his-prime rock star, his younger goth girlfriend, the pissed off ghost—and turn them into complex, develping characters. The plot wouldn't have worked without the character development. It's meandering, and sometimes borders on cheesy, but having people you care about going through it makes it worth the trip.

It's difficult to avoid mentioning that Joe Hill is Stephen King's son, and it's difficult not to compare them. Hill clearly has some of the raw talent of his father, which will only get better as his skill with words improves. He also one-ups his dear old dad with the ending. I'm almost always dissatisfied with the end of Stephen King's stories, which can often be summarized as "the bad guy died so stuff stopped happening. The end." So I felt my asshole snap shut when I got to the clear end-point of Heart Shaped Box and saw there was still a section of the book left. If his endings were anything like his father's, a drawn-out epilogue would be painful. Without giving anything away, it wasn't painful. Hill manages to tie up loose ends while providing some surprisingly touching emotional closure as well.

If you're looking to take a brutal road trip with some interesting characters and an asshole of a ghost (and who isn't?), open up Heart Shaped Box.

Evolution's Failures

2011-07-23T14:23:00.000-04:00

I think it's hilarious to imagine evolution's failures.

Think of how our digestive systems are able to function no matter which way we're sitting or lying, carrying food to the right place in a peristaltic wave, even if it's going against gravity. Think of the pre-human who didn't get that gene. He's all like, "check out this handstand!", then as soon as he's upside-down, all the wooly mammoth he ate earlier is pouring out of his face. He suffocates, dying before he ever had a chance to procreate, and his shitty genes never get passed on. Hilarious.

Thing is, one day that guy will be us.

Evolution is not only biological, but technological. We already pity the people of the past—most of human history—who didn't expect to live past the age of thirty. Technology has doubled our lifespan just by tuning up our default biological hardware from the outside. Think of what we can do once technology moves inside.

It's a near certainty that we will merge with technology. We already rely on it, and there's gotta be a better way of interacting with it than through our fingers. When our brains and bodies are made more of bits and bytes than nerves and leukocytes, the people of today will be the pre-humans.

Looking back, we'll think that our squishy biological way of doing things was hilarious. "That's right son," we'll say, to our sons. "We had computers we plugged into walls, but our own method of recharging was—hah, it's so gross, but get this—we mashed up other living things with our teeth then let them slide down our throat. There were actually people who couldn't find things to eat, and they died. Forever! They didn't even have a backup."

And our sons, they probably won't even understand how (or why) we managed to get through the day.

Evolution makes failures of us all.

See also:

Transcendent Man on Netflix. This documentary about futurist Ray Kurzweil will change your life if you even half believe his predictions are correct.
...

Concert Review: The Black Keys with Cage the Elephant at the JLC, July 12 2011

2011-07-13T20:13:00.000-04:00

The Black Keys were slow to grow on me. For the last five years I've heard the muted hype surrounding them, but it wasn't until last year's album Brothers that I really gave in to their genius. At least I was primed in time for when the John Labatt Centre's Twitter feed announced¹ that they were looking for internet-savvy people to go see the Keys' show and review it. I was all like HEY, pick me, I review crap all the time, and the JLC was all like, OKAY.

Three other reviewers joined me: Laura, Naomi, and Amanda.

A few of us got to go see Cage the Elephant (the opening act) in a private little acoustic set yesterday afternoon.

There is something awkward about a high-energy dude like Matthew Shultz screaming his lungs out in front of a politely-sitting audience of 15 people. But they held up in acoustic form, and it was awesome shaking hands with the band I'd see rocking the shit out of thousands of people a few hours later.

You can see a bit of the performance on FM96's site (with a few shots of my shiny head!).

At the show that night, Cage the Elephant not only sounded heavier than the acoustic set, but heavier than anything on their albums. I think electric and live is what they're made for. It'd be hard not to enjoy it when Shultz was so into it, flailing around and stage diving like a kid at his first rock concert.

Everyone was sufficiently pumped for the Black Keys, then, and they obviously didn't disappoint.

Their music is visceral. You feel like you gotta be moving to it, whether it's driving down a shimmery-hot road with the windows down, screwing, or crowd surfing, as many people did at the show even though it's not the type of music you'd usually mosh to. The sound guy couldn't help moving to it:

It's hard to believe that such rich sound came out of two dudes; so much so that it was barely noticeable when a full band joined them on stage.

As they proclaimed their final song, a sign behind them lit up the words "Black Keys" (finally alleviating the confusion for everyone who came for the Black Eyed Peas), like the title of a movie popping up at the end instead of the beginning. But of course, they wouldn't waste such a sweet sign on one song, so the crowd chanted "black! keys!" in unison with the lights until they came for the encore. Even after that, they left us wanting more.

Thanks to Chris at the JLC for the tickets (and for the beer/food vouchers on top of that, which were enough to get drunk and buy 3 boxes of chocolate), to FM96 for the pre-show show, and to my fellow reviewers (and Shawn and Ed) for an awesome time. This sort of semi-natural engagement with fans via Twitter and other social media is the future of hyping events and organizations; even if we were just a promotional tools, it's good to be a part of it.

Oh and check out Naomi's review of the show here.

¹ Which my sister Andrea alerted me to. Thanks sister!

Device Review: Condiment Gun

2011-07-07T21:57:00.001-04:00

Back on Father's Day, I figured The Met market was the perfect place to find a gift. Fathers are, after all, old, and thus have probably already acquired all common material possessions they need at some point in their long lives. They need something unique.

Few are lucky enough to have acquired possessions from the collection of rare items at Über Cool Stuff. My dad barbecues a lot, so the instant I saw a gun that shoots sauce, I knew it was the gift to get.

Chris, who owns Über Cool Stuff, hadn't tried the Mustard-brand Condiment Gun yet, and kindly gave me a few bucks off in exchange for reporting back about how it works. Well, it works, and here's a report.

You load the sauce into a plastic, uh, magazine I guess you call it? Stick the magazine in the gun, and it's loaded. You have to be careful closing it up, or you will set it off prematurely, and shoot yourself in the nuts with BBQ sauce. By "you" I mean me.

But if you can get it all loaded safely, then it's ready to go. Then you say to your meat, you say, I'm going to give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no-good kiester off my dinner plate.

KEEP THE CHANGE YOU FILTHY ANIMAL.

You know what's probably not a good idea though? Filling this with mayonnaise, putting it on your lap during an R-rated movie, then shooting it into the air during the sexy scenes. Not a good idea at all. Why'd you even think of that?

Here is a creepy video about the condiment gun.

Concert Review: Soundgarden at the JLC, London Ontario, July 3 2011

2011-07-05T19:52:00.001-04:00

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

The above video features a guest appearance by the one and only Brian Raymond, who you may recognize from the local blogging world. He later grabbed my boob.

But yeah, pretty awesome concert. Soundgarden was a huge part of my musical upbringing, and although it makes me feel old to be seeing a "reunion tour" of such a band, it was great finally seeing them in person.

Coheed and Cambria opened, and kicked some ass themselves. Their quiet virtuosity was a contrast to Soundgarden's flashier but less musically complex show.

Anyway, here are some pictures of pretty lights:

Meat Bender 2011

2011-07-01T11:52:00.002-04:00

I've been on a questionable food bender for the last 48 hours. How have I committed sacrilege against the temple of my body? Let me count the ways:

ONE) The Twitters were circulating with rumours that Gig's Grillhouse had new super-spicy wings called "Disclaimer," which require a disclaimer before eating them. Obviously I had to check those out.

The waiter very seriously told us that he'd have to see our licenses before ordering the wings. He copied our deets into a rather lengthy disclaimer form that waived all of Gig's responsibility if we got sick or exploded or murdered someone by smothering them in the corrosive sauce. After we'd all signed, the gloves came out.

Like really, they made us wear rubber gloves while eating them.

Of course, it was more theatrics than anything. The wings were some of the spiciest I've ever had, and did make my lips feel like I just made out with an alien, but they were bearable. And the pleasant surprise was that they had a good amount of flavour in addition to the heat.

The main worry was what they would do to my insides later, and that did not disappoint. It took about 12 hours, but the next morning, I ... well ... I hope nobody needed that bathroom at work for a while.

Despite my intestinal trauma:

TWO) Indian buffet at Massey's Fine Indian Cuisine for lunch. Delicious, but not kind to a stomach that has already half eaten away by spice. Then later that day:

THREE) The McRib is back! The illusion that McDonald's rib-shaped pork burger is only around for a limited time, never to come back, gets me every time. I shoved my face all over that ribby goodness as if it were the love of my life leaving on a jet plane.

I had big plans for all sorts of fun things to kick off the long weekend last night. I got dressed, got on my shoes, left my apartment, took two steps, then realized something was wrong with my insides and leaving was not practical. I spent the rest of the night in a solitary self-loathing huddle.

Ah but why learn from my mistakes, because today, FOUR) It's Canada Day, and thus the perfect day for the Great Canadian Bacon Fest. I'm so looking forward to the variety of bacon creations. I got a preview of the bacon cupcakes (apparently free at the event), and the combination of chocolate and bacon is something I'm surprised isn't a breakfast staple yet.

I am going to eat so much bacon that I will be sweating grease and crying tears of meat.

Catapostrophe

2011-06-22T20:19:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about apostrophes lately. I believe apostrophes are very important blotches of ink. Last weekend, signs all over London advertised the "Kids Expo" in Victoria Park.

Now see, leaving out the apostrophe (i.e., "kids" instead of "kids'" or "kid's") should lead any thoughtful English-speaker to doubt that this is some innocent fair, and instead picture a creepy nightmare. An apostrophe would tell you that this is an exposition for kids. Instead, we have the apostrophe-free exposition of kids.

I see that missing apostrophe, and I picture tents with kids kneeling on tables, being weighed and measured and inspected. I picture people stopping by, saying things like "quality kid you got there," "nice colour on that one," "got any tips for growing a kid like that?", and "how much for your kid?"

Imagine my surprise when I saw that the expo featured kids running free and having fun, enjoying the things on exhibition rather than being them.

Another example of apostrophe atrophy can be found in nearly any public place, where you will find the "mens" and "womens" washrooms. This is an even worse offender than "kids," because "men" is already plural. Do we go in there to wash our teeths and feetses? I hope there are no mices in there. Oh yeah, and where is the washroom for childrens?

One day I will own a restaurant where you will find signs pointing to MAN WASHROOM and WOMAN WASHROOM. It will be a proud sponsor of the the annual Activities for Children Festival.

~~--Apostrophe Apostle~~

The Plan

2011-06-22T19:18:00.000-04:00

My infrequent blogging lately is a symptom of two things:

1) Working all day / partying all night.

2) Waiting for something worth writing about before writing.

However, I've always insisted that the best blogs are the ones that give an insight into the consciousness of the blogger. Such blogs are usually best done in fleeting spare moments, with no planning or waiting for inspiration. Thus, I'm gonna start kicking it old-school and dropping more frequent, less meaningful posts. Tonight we gonna bloggy like it's 1999.

Tweeting With the Stars, Volume 7: Chris Harrison

2011-06-07T20:22:00.064-04:00

Chris ~~Bharrison~~ Harrison has been the host of The Bachelor and its spinoffs for the past decade. Last night, just after the latest Bachelorette¹, I discovered a horrible secret.

Call the presses! Specifically, Fox News, because they'll confuse comedy with real news and make me famous for blowing the lid off this scandal.

Oh and what a scandal it would be! Why not? These days, someone nobody's heard of can become a celebrity for tweeting a wiener (as long as his name induces lulz), so apparently people will pay attention to anything on a slow news day.

Know what doesn't make you a celebrity? Merely getting your Twitter name mentioned by an influential person, such as a reality show host with 65 000 followers, or the national news, will get you exactly this many new followers:

ZERO.

To get followers (in Twitter or in life), you have to engage with people, not just be exposed.

(Unless it is your penis that is exposed).

Thank you for listening to my social media expertise. That will be $5000 please.

¹ omggg ladies, is Bentley not just every girl's worst nightmare? Am I right or am I right?

See also:

Tweeting With the Stars Volume 4, Deepak Chopra Volume 1

Oh and hey, if you like this blog, go like it on Facebook so you don't miss any updates. Not that you would, since you didn't miss this one, but maybe you will get dumber by next time I post. You ain't getting any younger you know.

100 Lessons That Digital Media Strategists Can Learn From Harold Camping's Rapture

2011-05-24T23:50:00.000-04:00

"No Kidding", by BaubCat

If I was a new media guru, I'd be listing the lessons we can learn from Harold Camping and his campaign to convince the world that it was ending.

If I was a marketing maven, I'd be calling him a bit of a genius. I'd say he demonstrates the power of one man with one idea to convince many people it's a good one. I'd probably use the word "viral" somewhere.

If I was a change agent rockstar, I'd applaud his willingness to stick with that idea, even after it demonstrably proved inconsistent with reality several times. He even made millions of dollars doing it.

A social media douchebag would be preaching the successes of Camping's failure.

But see, people who want to spread their idea can do better than that. First of all, they can have an idea that doesn't kill people and isn't batshit insane. More importantly, there are better ways to draw attention than appealing to the worst aspects of human motivation. Getting publicity for doomsday predictions is no better than for whipping out your tits. Of course people are going to notice; people are built to chase sex and avoid death.

Not all publicity is good publicity. Gaining a following for taking the easy route to promoting a bad idea isn't good publicity; it's kinda evil publicity. So can we all stop falling for this sleazy stunt and ignore the douchebag next time?

The Myth of the Evil Genius

2011-05-08T14:32:00.001-04:00

Joker by Nebezial

The evil genius only exists in fiction.

An evil genius cannot exist in reality, because in reality, intelligence and evil are incompatible. A genius acts rationally, and history constantly proves that it is rational to be good.

Genius and evil are two terms that are nearly impossible to define, but most people know it when they see it. Adolf Hitler was evil. Osama Bin Laden was probably evil. Albert Einstein was a genius. Bill Gates is probably one too.

It's not that evil doesn't pay; genius and evil both pay, in some sense. Bill and Osama both have mansions, and could probably afford the most expensive bacon at the grocery store (though I guess Osama would pass). The difference is that Bill is living a comfortable life that leaves a trail of advancements and improved lives. Osama is at the bottom of the ocean riddled with bullets, and has left a trail of destruction and ruined lives.

Osama and Adolf did gain power, but was it through genius? I doubt it. They excelled in some areas—charisma, mostly, and probably a good helping of being in the right place at the right time—but I doubt they were geniuses. Not in the sense meant here: extreme mental ability for coming to correct conclusions.

On both an individual and a societal level, it is rational to be good. More often than not, the correct choice between a good option and an evil option is the good option, all things considered. Murdering a person you can't stand may be easier than altering your own life to get away from him (say, packing up and moving away), but on an individual level, murder will probably put you in jail or dead yourself, and on a societal level, allowing people to murder willy-nilly wouldn't be conducive to happiness and productivity.

That's why the evil genius doesn't exist. Even if the impulse to do evil was there, a true genius would take a moment, and think "hmm, considering all the consequences, maybe genocide isn't such a spiffy idea." If The Joker was really so smart, he'd figure out a way to resolve his Batman problem without blowing up innocent people and getting thrown in Arkham again and again.

Evil cannot result from the cool calculated machinations of a genius. In real life, evil is in the hot passion of an argument when a knife is nearby. It's in the subtle biases of a politician whose values are misguided. And in that sense, evil is in all of us; luckily we also have an inner genius to play superhero.

Press a "Like" Button on May 2nd

2011-04-28T19:39:00.001-04:00

This is now a political blog.

Just kidding. I hate politics. It depresses me that the country is run not by the most intelligent or qualified people, but by whoever can win a popularity contest. Literally. Plus, just being in the running means these people are the types who desire power, which is often antithetical to responsibly wielding power.

Nevertheless, it's important to vote. Seriously. Just fucking vote. It's not hard, and it's the only way to cancel out the votes of all the blowhards who blab about politics all the time.

Social media has made blabbing about politics easier, even for people who normally wouldn't. Despite my cynicism, I think that's a good thing. We've seen an increase in young people paying attention to politics this election, and social media is at least partially responsible. This Saturday, there will be a vote mob in Victoria Park here in London at 1:00, featuring Rick Mercer. Nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd, so I encourage everyone to go there, or at least splooge the word all over the internets for all to see.

London's main TV station, /A\ Channel, is catching on to this newfangled internet thing. On election day, they'll be including social media in their election coverage. I'm honoured to be a part of the team that'll be monitoring and reflecting the collective consciousness of the online world during the broadcast, so like, watch it, and maybe you'll see my shiny head in the background. More importantly, continue blabbing online, follow me on Twitter, check out the group Tumblr blog we'll be updating, Carmi's post on this, and Enjoy the Canada votes Facebook page. I'll try to push the coverage to be raw and entertaining instead of the sanitized political bullshit you normally see.

In other news, I made a Facebook page for this blog because I guess people use Facebook sometimes. It's in the sidebar to the right. Like it if you like it. If I get 25 fans, I ~~get a prize~~ can claim the username that is rightfully mine. Thanks.

Hypocrisy is Underrated

2011-04-09T11:30:00.002-04:00

With an election coming up here in Canada, talk of politics is everywhere. Let's have a little chat about something that transcends political parties and gets at the nature of belief.

People seem to think politicians should always be consistent in their viewpoints. A candidate who says something one week, then does or says something inconsistent with it the next week, is seen as a hypocrite, and judged harshly for it.

I love The Daily Show, but it thrives on this. An entire bit can consist of a series of clips showing politicians saying one thing, then the same person three years later saying the opposite thing.¹ It's funny, yeah, but does it really tell us anything? Should we trust these politicians less?

I don't think so. I'm more concerned that a position is consistent with reality than with a past position.

In fact, I respect a changing viewpoint more than an unwavering one. A reasoned opinion is based on infromation, and information is constantly evolving. That's not a bad thing, it's a rational thing.

The consistent politician who sticks to their guns despite all evidence to the contrary is closer to a zealot than a strong leader fit to run a country in a rapidly changing world. Flexibility should be admired more than steadfastness.

Maybe it has to do with a reluctance to call anyone wrong. You may vehemently disagree with a viewpoint, but concede that it's "just an opinion," and opinions should persist over time. Someone has to be wrong though. It's one thing to respect other viewpoints, but another thing to fail to acknowledge that viewpoints are based on facts that may or may not be true.

As a concrete example, take gay marriage. Opposition to gay marriage is not just a personal value judgement; it is based on facts, such as "gay marriage hurts traditional marriage," "people choose to be gay," and "an omniscient creator does not approve of it." This opposition may filter through generations and manifest as subjective hate, but its original origin is objective facts, and these facts are either true or they are not.

(Spoiler alert: they are not)

Screw consistency over time. Consistency with reality is what matters. Judge politicians and their parties by their current platform's consistency with and effect on reality, not some nebulous gut need for stability.

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."

-- Oscar Wilde,

"The Relation of Dress to Art," Pall Mall Gazette (Feb. 28, 1885)

¹ Another example is attack ads. It drives me mildly crazy to see an old out of context quote from a rival politician played over and over as if that actually means something. It's such a blatant insult to the viewer's intelligence, it makes me want to avoid voting for any party that runs attack ads, but that could mean not voting at all.

The Horrors of Internet Dating, Volume 10: What the Fuck is This Shit Edition

2011-04-04T22:12:00.001-04:00

Seriously, what the fuck is this shit? Like...why?

Hobbies include: crawling around Photoshop Forest with my ghost arm while my awkward drunken doppelganger hovers above me.

(See also: Volume 5's "what the fuck is this shit" moment.)

And this fucking shit. You smear other dudes' names on your body? That's supposed to make me like you? No. Nobody wants to know about the men who have come before. Pun intended.

Jesus Shitting Christ. The best picture you could find for a dating profile was a disastrously cheesy shot of you clinging to your ex boyfriend? Just...wha-...why? Why?

(See also: Volume 5's nauseating couples photo)

This shit; what the fuck is it? Ok maybe I'm being harsh here. I can fully support cheesy nerdy crap, and if/when I have kids, nerdy photo shoots would be pretty awesome. Kids are important.

But hey, whoa, not important enough to overshare your intensely personal life story in your profile. Save it for the third date; when he's starting to get scared off by your obvious repressed issues, entice him back with the promise of rubber-free boning.

This is now a relationship advice blog.

Anyway, sorry if you know any of these people. I'm sure they're very nice.

See also: Volume 9, and more Horrors of Internet Dating.

What is Your Finger Number?

2011-04-03T15:56:00.000-04:00

My finger number is 5.1!

What's yours?!

Here is how to find your finger number:

Go to iTunes (or whatever you use to manage your music)
Search for "finger"
The number of hours of music you have with "finger" in it is your finger number!

Can you beat my finger number?

FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS.

Note: this is not actually a meme.

Passive Karma's Gonna Get You

2011-03-28T21:45:00.000-04:00

Do you ever think that luck can literally run out?

Portrait of my past few days:

Lost my iPhone
Got dumped.
My new receiver, approximately two days outside the return window, died and left me without the comfort of depressing movies and TV.

But I can't complain, can I? The last few months my cup hath overfloweth with luck. I got through the final bit of my PhD without a hitch and landed a sweet job at the same time, all the while accomplishing assorted things on the side. The luck supply was sure to run out.

It's like passive karma. If good things happen to come your way for a while, fate's gotta balance that out with some chance misery.

I talk as if fate is supernatural, but it need not be. Maybe fate is just statistics. Let's say you flip a coin 10 times and it comes up heads all 10 times. Chances are, if you flip it another 10 times, it'll come up closer to 5 heads. This regression to the mean occurs after any unusual run; you can't escape returning to the baseline.

Now let's assume that the baseline of life is 50% crappy (because let's face it, life just isn't sunshine and rainbows. We're not designed that way). Any time you're running at 90% good stuff for a month, chances are that the next month is gonna have about 40%¹ more crap coming your way than the month before.

Most emo math lesson ever.

The upside is that if you're running at 10% good, chances are things will look up. Having only 10% good for your entire life is just so statistically improbable that hope is only rational.

This is assuming all is left to chance. If you're consciously doing things to make your own life crappy, that's all you.

On that note, looking back, getting drunk and leaving my phone in a cab isn't exactly a chance occurrence. And relationships? Well, those are all the conscious and unconscious decisions of two people, so while their workings may be mysterious, I wouldn't call them random.

That fucking receiver though...working one moment, not working the next. Faulty technology is all coin-flip.

¹ 44.4% actually, but I'd confuse people if I wrote that.

A Slice of Russian Music

2011-03-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

I got this email a while ago:

Musical breakthrough from Russia.

Dear friends!

[...]I am an independent music promoter from Moscow, Russia. First of all, I would like to thank you for your excellent work: I really loved your website and I respect your music taste — that's why I decided to write to you.

My mission is to promote modern Russian music worldwide. In the last few years, lots of interesting new artists have emerged on the local scene, and we would like to bring this music to the attention of music lovers all over the world.

He goes on to describe the band he is currently promoting:

Cheese People “Cheese People” (2009)

The Cheese People are a female-fronted four-piece based in the city of Samara (small by Russian standards) on the banks of the Volga. They first started to jam in 2003, and after a few years of playing in local basements they found themselves in the position of Russia's most powerful and popular disco punk band.

Their debut self-titled CD is a no-budget and self-produced recording, which however manages to sound more powerful and groovy than most Russian mainstream major-label pop. Due to its winning combination of catchy melodies, absurd lyrics, intricate sample work and unusual meowing vocal lines, this band can become an international breakthrough for Russian music.

In case you missed it, let me point out the funny: they are called CHEESE PEOPLE

"Cheese" is one of those inherently funny words, alongside:

Schnitzel
Turd
Beef
Asperger
Burger
Bieber
Etc.

Usually I ignore emails like this, but add the cheese hilarity (hahahahalololol cheese) to "disco punk band" and "unusual meowing vocal lines," and I'm totally sold. I just had to share this with you, world.

You can download the album Cheese People, by the band Cheese People, here. It's actually not bad.

Do you think they just really like cheese, or are they literally people made of cheese? And if the latter, which kind? Can they taste themselves?

Charlie Sheen: The Phronk Connection

2011-03-08T21:33:00.000-05:00

Unless you've been living under a crack rock, you know about Charlie Sheen's recent media shitstorm. In a series of interviews (and now on Twitter and uStream), he's unleashed creative combinations of crazy talk, told unapologetic tales of partying like a dead rock star, and showed off the two "goddess" porn stars that he lives with.

Hey, remember this post from a while ago?

That is none other than Rachel Oberlin, aka Bree Olson, aka the actress that giggled at my dumb joke and was pretty much in love with me. Charlie Sheen done stole my woman.

Aside from that, part of me admires Sheen. There is something to be said for living life how you like it and not giving a shit what everyone else thinks, and that is especially hard when you're in the public eye. Good for him if the recent attention is just rebelling against an uptight society that can't handle that he's enjoying his life and not hurting himself or anyone else.

Ah, but's the sticky icky point: he's probably hurting people. Nothing wrong with a little drug use, but there comes a point where it's doing physical and mental damage. More importantly, there's evidence that he's probably not the nicest person, what with women he's been with tending to end up bruised or shot.

Still, he's an entertainer, and he's a hell of a lot more entertaining now than he was on that sanitized antifunny show he was inexplicably paid more than any other actor on TV to be in. I can admire his bold new method of amusing people while despising his rage. Einstein fucked around and ruined his first wife's life before marrying his cousin, but relativity is still pretty cool.

I doubt Sheen's contribution will last as long though. There are only so many combinations of the words "winning", "tiger," and "warlock" to mash together before it gets old. I think his best move now (and I do think he's self aware enough to capitalize on all this) is to go Busey-style crazy rather than Haim-style crazy.

Oh, and he better treat Bree with respect, or she'll be running on back to me.

A Degree of Modesty

2011-02-21T13:42:00.000-05:00

Last week I decided to pop by the university and get a PhD. Since then, a lot of people have been asking, "do you feel any different now that you have a PhD?"

Well yes, of course I do. Whenever I insist that someone call me "doctor Phronk"—whether it's government documents, or my friends, or the lady serving me shawarma—I get a nice little reminder that I am, in fact, superior to all the common people without PhDs. That's a great feeling.

It also feels different knowing that I'm now qualified to force my opinion about anything on anyone. Also, I don't know if you knew this (you don't have a PhD, after all), but a psych degree comes with a free license to kill. It also makes you a god in the sack, lowers your THAC0 by 3, and allows you to glow when you get in a fight.

Actually, I set up a camera to record my PhD defense so you can see what it was like:

Err but for reals, being ~~The Last Dragon~~ a doctor is, for me, a relief but otherwise no biggie.

These past 6+ years of grad school have certainly been important to me, but my degree was only one project I was working on. It's not what has defined me as a person. So I'm proud of checking one more thing off my list of accomplishments, sure, but it is only one thing.

As a polymathic sort of person, I get pleasure in pursuing a variety of goals. Reaching those goals is rewarding, but often secondary to the pursuit. I don't feel different when I complete a multi-year project, because the ongoing learning and building I'd been doing all those years was already fulfilling the reasons for starting the project.

Now I can focus on some other pursuits more. Substantial ones like kicking ass at my job, publishing some of my research, and finishing up those half-completed novels that are sitting around, but also more nebulous ones like building relationships with kickass people, blogging, and contributing to the good of mankind.

(Speaking of which, I will be sharing some of my knowledge, academic and otherwise, at Podcamp Toronto this Saturday. Come if you're in TO and bored.)

I'm proud of my PhD though. Sometime I should tell you guys what my research is all about, because I was extremely lucky to be able to study what I actually wanted to study, and it turned out pretty cool. Until then, cheerio.

-- Dr. Phronk, M.Sc., Ph.D., O.M.G.

Family Ties

2011-02-12T10:14:00.000-05:00

I'd like to have kids someday, but even more, I'd like to have grandkids. With those things, you get all the fun of kids being around, without them being around all the time. What would be ideal is having grandkids without having to raise kids first.

Is this possible?

I began to think of the ways. Of course, my first idea was the old biogenetically-engineer-a-fetus-to-be-capable-of-childbirth-then-give-birth-in-the-womb-then-abort-the-babymomma trick, which gets a grandkid without a kid, but doesn't really solve anything.

Then I thought, maybe I could adopt someone who's about 25-30. Peak childbearing age. My new children would not have to be raised, but would soon have their own kids — my grandkids. Problem solved!

Going even further, how about I adopt a woman about my age, then having a kid with my new "daughter". Then I have a genetically related grandkid who's also my kid. Hmm...I guess this doesn't solve the problem of having to raise a kid, but obtaining a daughter, a wife, another kid, and a grandkid all within 9 months would have to be some kind of world record.

Wait...is this legal? Wait...is this ethical?

Maybe, just maybe, it's a bit creepy. But so is this picture:

Touché! Eh?

Furthermore, am I the only one who isn't crazy about that Modern Family show?

OTHER NEWS: Today, February 12th, at 2:00pm, I am co-hosting the first maybe-annual Coffee Hack! If you're in London, come on down and check it out. More details at our sister-site (also wife-site; sorry, these sites just don't respect boundaries), Putting Weird Things in Coffee.

Toaster Chicken, the Galaxy, and the Perks of Being Social With Social Media

2011-01-23T22:43:00.001-05:00

I recently came across these in the supermarket:

Two words that should never go together are toaster and chicken. So of course I bought a box, and was soon obsessed with toaster chicken; mostly because "toaster chicken" is so fun to say, but also because FlatJacks are surprisingly good, in a chicken nugget sort of way.

For me, Twitter is about the unfiltered sharing of your life. With toaster chicken now so deeply intertwined with my life, it got mentioned several times in my Twitter feed. A beautiful thing about Twitter is that anybody can discover if anybody else is talking about them, if they're paying attention. I was impressed, then, when Janes Family Foods (makers of FlatJacks) tweeted me directly about their crap. They even sent me some coupons so I can fill my belly and my toaster with even more flattened chicken product.

This is happening more and more; two-way communication directly between creators and consumers. This is a key development that's come with the ubiquity of social media: it has created new social interactions where previously there were none.

Example two: in December, a Toronto-based marketing company emailed me out of the blue and offered to loan me a Samsung Galaxy S Captivate phone for no reason¹. Samsung probably figured I'd blog or tweet about it, but I never explicitly agreed to that. Rather, they took a risk by sending free shit to someone who seemed well-connected, and hoping it would bleed out to the world naturally as part of my social-media-fueled extended self. Just like what happened with the toaster chicken, but a bit more forced.

It worked though, because here I am blogging about it. Again, mainstream social media has created a new, organic(ish) sort of social interaction that happens to double as marketing.

This isn't just for über-famous bloggers like me. Anyone can—and naturally will—get more and more involved with this social media stuff (a.k.a. "the internet"), and this evolution in the way creators interact with customers will continue to involve more and more people. It'll no longer be some corporation tossing their product down to the social masses, but rather the producers will just be another node in the social network.²

LOL... toaster chicken ....

¹ Here is a brief review of the Samsung Galaxy S Captivate: Android is pretty wonderful. Its openness and customization options are a breath of fresh air after being stuck in Apple's elegant but restrictive ecosystem for so long. I loved being able to install Grooveshark without hacking the phone (because seriously Apple, fuck you re: that). The Galaxy itself is fine hardware-wise, but we gotta face the fact that most devices are just a big touch screen nowadays, so yeah, it's one of those.

A few deal-breakers would keep me from switching to a Galaxy as my main phone. First, battery life was inconsistent. Sometimes it lasted a few days. Other times it was gone in hours. I'd rather not micromanage applications to find out what caused the difference. Second, it didn't play nice with my MacBook at all. I suppose syncing with my music in iTunes is too much to ask, but I couldn't even drag and drop photos to and from the phone without something going horribly wrong. I hope whoever gets the phone next enjoys the pictures of my trip to Niagara Falls, because I won't be able to. Maybe it was just a faulty phone, but it seemed like it would have been janky even if it functioned properly.

²You may think this is a particularly poisonous node, motivated only by money and self-interest, but really: who isn't? The way I see it, a dickish corporation is no worse than a dickish Facebook friend. There is always the unfriend button.

The Complete List of Songs About Masturbation

2011-01-11T22:17:00.007-05:00

Sometimes, when blogging inspiration just isn't whacking you in the face, it helps to engage in little intellectual games that you play with yourself. Like coming up with lists. Like coming up with lists of songs about masturbation.

Here is a list of songs that are all about wanking. There are other lists out there, but many are only top tens, or have a hundred songs with artists you've never heard of shoving in a single line about jerkin' the gherkin' or butterin' the muffin. I want this to be a complete list of songs dedicated to chocking the chicken or slamming the clam.

Notable pattern: if you know someone with the name Billy, he's probably dancing with himself right now. Billies make one-eye cry more than any other name.

Barenaked Ladies - It's Only Me (The Wizard of Magicland)
Billy Bragg - St. Swithin's Day
Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
Billy Joel - Captain Jack
Billy Squier - The Stroke
Britney Spears - The Touch of My Hand
Bruce Springsteen - Ramrod
The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
Caesars - Jerk it Out (Q)
Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-Ling
Clarence Carter - Strokin'
Corn Nuts Radio Jingle (link)⁴
Crispin Glover - Auto-manipulator
The Cure - Close to Me
Cyndi Lauper - She Bop
The Decemberists - Billy Liar
Devo - Praying Hands
The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
The Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy
The (English) Beat - Mirror in the Bathroom (Q) ¹
Elton John - Rocket Man (Q)
Elvis Costello - Pump it Up
Faith No More - Epic (Q)
The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly
Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Relax (Q)
Great Lake Swimmers - Pulling on a Line (Q)
Green Day - Longview
Halestorm - I Get Off ²
Kate Bush - Sat in Your Lap (Q)
Meat Loaf - All Revved Up With No Place to Go
Michael Jackson - Beat It (Q)
Mr. Bungle - The Girls of Porn
Nerf Herder - Doin' Laundry
Peter Gabriel - Shock the Monkey (Q)
Pink - U + Ur Hand⁶
The Pixies - Holiday Song (Q)
The Police - Be My Girl (Sally)
Porno For Pyros - Porno For Pyros
Prince - Darling Nikki
Radiohead - Thinking About You
Stone Temple Pilots - Unglued (Q)
Thomas Dolby - Keys to Her Ferrari
Thunderheist - Jerk It ³
Tori Amos - Icicle
Tweet - Oops (Oh My)⁵
Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
The Vapors - Turning Japanese
Ween - Mr. Richard Smoker
The Who - Pictures of Lily
XTC - Pink Thing

Q = Questionable. Could be about something other than bashing the bishop or brushing the beaver. Probably drugs.

Can you think of another one? Slap it in the comments.

¹ Thanks @thatcomputerguy
² Thanks Evil Faerie Girl
³ Thanks Kclarke5
⁴ Thanks @hendersonsk
⁵ Thanks Rachel Fee
⁶ Thanks Hey Lady!

~~flog the blog~~

The Best Most Listened-To Albums of 2010 - Winners

2010-12-31T16:20:00.002-05:00

Here they are: the ten albums I listened to most this year, according to my Last.fm charts. This is an objective way of determining my favourite albums, whether I agree with the numbers or not. Let me know your own favourite music of the year, if you're into this whole music thing. Oh, and happy new year! Maybe this is the year your resolutions will actually happen.

10. of Montreal - False Priest

The bands that occupy the most space in my mind (and on my iPod) are the ones that constantly reinvent themselves while maintaining a core musical identity. of Montreal has managed to evolve significantly with each of their many albums; it's hard to even identify their first albums as the same musical creature that they are today. Yet each step is small and logical. False Priest continues where Skeletal Lamping left off, going in a slightly more funky but mature direction. It took me a bit longer to get into than other albums, but it definitely belongs on this list.

9. Katy Perry - Teenage Dream

I'm over being ashamed of loving shitty pop music. Singing about partying and relationships in the simplest of terms over the simplest of music may not be high art, but it's damn fun to listen to. If that first chorus of Firework doesn't make you want to go "oh oh oh", you're dead inside.

(see also)

8. Sia - We Are Born

More pop music done right comes courtesy of Sia. She's gone full-on dancy disco from her downtempo roots, and it suits her well. If Clap Your Hands doesn't make you want to clap your hands, you are dead inside.

Oookay, never seen that video before. WTF.

7. Sleigh Bells - Treats

Sleigh Bells' squeaky-clean-cheerleader-contrasted-with-dirty-noise musical aesthetic sounds like nothing else out there. I don't know if the gimmick can be maintained beyond one short album, but what an album it is.

6. Yeasayer - Odd Blood

I don't even know what the fuck to call this. Yeasayer's music is a "world music" tinged mess of genres, and overall I'd say Odd Blood is inconsistent at best. But while it may not be album of the year, it probably made this list largely due to the song O.N.E. being listened to on repeat. I rarely listen to a song more than once in the same day, but this one I couldn't resist. Let's go ahead and call it song of the year.

5. Broken Bells - Broken Bells

This union of Danger Mouse with the Shins' James Mercer has resulted in one of the most never-get-sick-of-it albums of the year. I don't know what the hell they're singing about most of the time, but it's such sweet music that it doesn't really matter.

Can we take a break to talk about Christina Hendricks for a minute? She is one of those people who I can acknowledge is objectively beautiful in many different ways, but deep down, she just doesn't do it for me. Those giant boobs and weird proportions throw something off; it's all interesting to look at though. Maybe this is why so many straight women are drawn to her. And Mad Men! What's with that show? I gave it two chances and just couldn't get into it. The glimpse into another time with all its messed up values and exotic fashion is cool and all, but I'd like it more as backdrop to a show in which stuff actually happens.

Moving on:

4. Ke$ha - Animal

Shit. Ok I said I was through being ashamed of liking shitty pop, but this is as bad as it gets. I listened to this more than Broken Bells? Really? She doesn't even sing!

3. Massive Attack - Heligoland

At the height of their career, Massive Attack's Mezzanine brought on immediate depression with its pure dreariness. Over a decade later, that dreariness is largely gone, replaced with a more subtly dark collection. I probably wouldn't consciously put this in my top three, but it must have been enough of a fitting soundtrack to my life to occupy my ears for a large proportion of it.

[WARNING: the video below is completely totally NSFW. Don't click it at work. Seriously.]

Massive Attack Paradise Circus (HD) uncensored

2. Gorillaz - Plastic Beach

Sometimes the albums I listen to most are the ones I'm most ambivalent about. I wasn't sure what to think about Plastic Beach when I first heard it, but it intrigued me enough to keep listening, and eventually it grew on me enough that I'm happy with its placement here at number two. Stylo is another of those rare songs I can listen to over and over again.

Also check out the second album Gorillaz released this year, The Fall. It was made on an iPad while on the road. Jesus you guys, we live in a world where you can create an album on a slab of glass. Stream it here.

1. Stars - The Five Ghosts

Ah, good old Stars. Their emo melodrama is extremely cheesy, but sometimes cheesy is what you need, and I guess I was in the mood for dairy this year. This is kind of a concept album about the ghosts of dead kids or something. Whatever. If you can resist the catchiness of the "oooh oooh oooh"s in The Passenger, it is you, sir, who are dead inside.

See also:

The Best Most Listened-To Albums of 2010 - Honourable Mentions

2010-12-30T13:25:00.002-05:00

It's become a yearly December tradition to highlight the music I've been listening to in the previous year. I keep track of all my music listening through Last.fm, and often find myself disappointed when some of my favourite albums weren't actually the ones I listened to most (after all, longer albums and albums released earlier in the year have an unfair advantage). I'll be back tomorrow with the ten albums that objectively vibrated my eardrums the most, but here are ten that vibrated my heartdrums even if I only listened to them on special occasions.

Mumford and Sons - Sigh No More

Yeah yeah, everyone's talking about this album. But it holds a special place in my heart, because it was playing the first time I got laid after a significant dry spell. Apart from that, it's a solid little indie-folk record with a certain special quality that managed to shoot it into the mainstream.

Hot Chip - One Life Stand

Just watch this:

And the actual album is pretty kickass too.

Rihanna - Loud

As the title promises, Rihanna's latest is an irresistible celebration of sex, violence, and that special place where the two meet. After seeing her in concert, I think we have a pretty strong bond, Rihanna and I, and I'm glad this new album didn't mess it up. Just check out this hotness with Drake:

The boy's come a long way from Degrassi. Speaking of which:

Jakalope - Things That Go Jump in the Night

Jakalope are a perplexing band, headed by a producer who's worked with Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails, but sounding more like pop with only a slight industrial edge. Even more out of left-field was their opening theme for Degrassi: The Next Generation, which sounded nothing like their previous music. Add to that an all-new lead singer, and this new album could have been a disaster. Luckily, that wasn't the case. Things That Go Jump in the Night sounds like maple syrup - sugary but with a wintery edge and an ineffable Canadian vibe.

Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

[Insert fishsticks joke].

Despite everything, Kanye puts out some damn impressive music to back up his cocky douchebaggery. There's some self-indulgence that gets in the way (what the fuck is this Chris Rock shit in Blame Game?), but I still can't stop listening to this.

Girl Talk - All Day

It's just more songs mashed up in semi-clever ways, but it's hard to not love what Girl Talk does. Plus he gives it away free and somehow evades being shut down for copyright infringement, so that's worth rooting for.

Zeus - Say Us and Land of Talk - Cloak and Cipher

Both of these bands rocked LOLA Fest 2010 here in London, and both released kickass albums in 2010. I think we'll be seeing more of them. Well, even more than this:

Warpaint - The Fool

This came out of nowhere to be one of my favourite albums of the year. Comparisons with The xx (who put out one of my favourite albums last year) are appropriate, with the lazy dreamy vocals, sparse instruments, and occasional electronic layers. I don't know how I even stumbled across these dudes, but I am so glad I did.

Robyn - Body Talk (Parts 1, 2, and 3)

Robyn would actually have taken #3 on my top ten most listened to albums if all of Body Talk was considered one album. Her comeback from being a 90s two-hit-wonder has resulted in some of my favourite pop music of the year. I also dig the way she's released this trilogy, with short albums released every few months, as they are completed. This may be the future—or a step towards the future—of music distribution in a world where real-time updates are the norm. Like a Twitter stream of album releases.

Also:

Here are some more albums I love that came out this year:

OK Go - Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
Coheed and Cambria - Year of the Black Rainbow
Spoon - Transference
The Love Language - Libraries
Hanson - Shout it Out
Diamond Rings - Special Affectations
She & Him - Volume Two
Belle and Sebastian - Write About Love
The Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

Here are some albums that were OK but I just couldn't get into for some reason:

The National - High Violet
Weezer - Hurley
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - The Brutalist Bricks
Crystal Castles - II

I'll be back tomorrow (if I have time) with my most listened-to albums of the year.

See also:

Life Isn't Supposed to Not Be Confusing

2010-12-22T10:18:00.002-05:00

Last night I opened up my drafts folder on Twitter, and found the following half-finished thought that I'd saved earlier: "life isn't supposed to not be confusing." ^*

At first I dismissed it as a drunken tweet gone wrong, but once I got over the perplexing double-negative (how meta, drunk self), I realized that maybe there's something to it.

There's a lot of crap going on, out there in the world. So that we can navigate it without dying, Mother Nature shoves a whole bunch of competing subpeople into our brain. Hunger, thirst; long-term plans, conserving energy on the couch; love, lust—all of these desires squawk like baby birds crying for the momma bird of consciousness to barf up some attention.

Having a clear mind is the most unnatural thing in the world. A mess of swirling thoughts and emotions is the default state of a thinking person. Why? Because it works. The desire that needs attention the most is usually the one that gets it. If we are hungry enough, it won't stop the laziness and thoughts about chicks from squawking, but it'll be enough that we get off the couch and ward off starvation for one more day. If we didn't have to constantly be weighing options and desires, we wouldn't need brains. Confusion is the natural consequence of intelligence.

People act less confused than they are. Sometimes they even say perfectly coherent things. But with other people, we only see the final behavioural products of their internal turmoil. Like the tip of an iceberg, except underneath it's not all perfect crystalline structure, but a writhing mass of multicoloured tentacles. Basically, Cthulhu with an iceberg hat.

Confusion is a lot easier to deal with if we embrace it. Having a clear and linear mind is not something that most people will attain for any length of time, so why not just bask in a normal, healthy, jumbled mind? Plus, it makes those epiphanic moments when everything comes together and makes sense more recognizable as the rare and magical moments that they are.

¹ Actually, it said "life isn't supposed to bot be confusing," but my sober self was able to get the idea.

See also: First Person Plural.

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."

-- H. P. Lovecraft, Call of Cthulhu

Loaf

2010-12-13T22:52:00.002-05:00

Previously on Phronk.com: I laid out four things I wanted to get done in November: 1: Write a novel, 2: Grow a moustache, 3: Be alone forever, 4: Get a PhD.

I am sad to report that I only succeeded at #2 ^*. But you know what Meat Loaf says? He says to me, he says, don't be sad, because two out of three ain't bad. Two is only one more than one, and four is one more than three, so ... so uh ... I think Meat Loaf would agree that one out of four ain't bad either.

Am I right or am I right?

Besides, "PhDecember" has a nice ring to it, so I think I'll finish that up this month. Besides besides, writing a book in a month is a fun gimmick, but one I don't feel a strong need to have done more than once, and I've already done it twice (or thrice if you count this). The pressure of November did squeeze a little diamond of an idea into my head, so I'll polish that up over a more reasonable timescale.

There are my excuses for failing at life. December is another busy month, but I will find time to update you on its various happenings, blog. You know why? Because blog, baby, I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna ... leave you.

^* And raised $135 as part of a team that raised $1854 for prostate cancer! Thanks everyone who supported Movember.

How to Save London Ontario

2010-12-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

First, I don't think London needs "saving." I love it here, and for what it is, it's a great place to live. There is always room for improving it, though, and there is a lot of talk lately about how to do that.

A fantastic project called Redraw London visually depicts solutions to some of London's problems (see also: Kevin Van Lierop's 100 Ways to Improve London project). One example is making Dundas Street car-free where it passes through downtown—a proposition that people have been talking about for years. Brian Frank addresses this in a a recent blog post. He sees Dundas as a sort of canary in a coalmine; if Dundas is healthy, London is (at least perceived to be) healthy. However, he has doubts that getting rid of cars will suddenly rejuvenate it.

So do I. I wouldn't complain about a quirky car-free street in London, but the problem I see is that it's a boring idea. Support for a pedestrian Dundas usually ends in "just like street [X] in [city Y]!" That is, it's been done before. Yawn. We're already named after another city, so let's try to do something else to stand out, eh? We can do better than imitation, because London is full of creative geniuses. I am a creative genius. Here is how to save London:

1. Screw a car-free Dundas; how about a bumper-car-only Dundas? It's transportation! It's an amusement park! It's both! Since crashing is part of the fun, this also solves that pesky drunk driving problem once and for all.

2. How about a street where graffiti is not only allowed, but encouraged? Think of that great new work on Clarence near Dundas, except times twenty, constantly changing and showcasing local talent.

3. How about being the best at something? The world's largest [awesome thing]. The best [awesome food] in the country. We probably already have something like this and just don't know it. It would be nice to have a feature that makes London unique in the world—a symbol other than trees that we can put on our posters and logos.

4. More seriously, how about a waterfront? We've got this beautiful river splashing straight through the heart of the city, and the only place we can see it from is Museum London ~~and the restaurant in it~~. I like parks and all, but I'd be happy to see half of Harris Park transformed into another type of public waterfront space. Maybe even with a few businesses there. Like small stands that sell food you don't see everywhere else.

SAVIOR

5. How about a permanent beaver tail stand?

6. How about the world's best beaver tails?

I've got like infinity more ideas, only half of which involve deep-fried dough, but the ones here already involve a lot of bulldozing so maybe I should stop. If you live in London (and sorry for the boring post if you don't), think of your own ideas. Put them out there. Even the crappy ones can inspire better ones, and the best ones may become reality.

P.S. I already wrote some of these ideas in a drunken comment over on London Fuse.

Food Review: The KFC Double Down

2010-11-20T16:03:00.001-05:00

When the Double Down was announced on April 1st, many people thought it was either a prank or the downfall of human civilization. Consisting of two battered and deep-fried chicken breasts embracing cheese, bacon, and "the colonel's secret sauce" (stop hitting on me colonel), it's like everything unhealthy stuffed together in one big gob.

So when I got a car this morning¹, the first thing I did with my newfound freedom was get myself to the nearest KFC. There aren't any near where I live, so the greasy monstrosity had been taunting me from afar for weeks.

You are probably wondering: how is it? Did I cry tears of shame upon its completion? How many heart attacks have I had since?

First, let me describe the chicken-bunned "sandwich" in less sensationalist terms: it is two small, breaded chicken breasts, two slices of cheese, and one slice of bacon, together. That is all it is. That is all it tastes like. It will not make you feel sick unless you mentally ready your gag reflex because the media told you to. And it will not make you fat.

At 540 calories, here are some things that will get you fat as quick or quicker than a Double Down will²:

Two KFC original recipe chicken breasts with nothing on them (640 Kcal).
A grilled cheese sandwich (550 Kcal).
Calamari (720 Kcal).
Eight chicken wings. Without sauce (950 Kcal).
Nachos. No, scratch that: one quarter of a plate of nachos (2160 Kcal).
A venti eggnog latte from Starbucks (610 Kcal).
A salad (chicken, bacon bits, guacamole, feta, croutons, and honey citrus dressing) (550 Kcal).

So if you're at the bar, downing a plate of nachos over a few beers, gabbing about how terrible the Double Down is, realize that you just stuffed 4 or 5 Double Downs' worth of calories down your pie hole. If you have a latte in the morning and a salad for lunch, you would have been better off with two mystery-sauce-covered meatwhiches jammed in your face. You're doing it wrong.

"Oooh, but it has way more sodium than anything else," I hear you saying. But no. It doesn't. Look it up. Also, why am I hearing your voice in my head? Could this be love?

Anyway, fast food paranoia is as dumb as any other media-fueled conspiracy theory, and falls apart under scrutiny. See also: the McDonalds burger that never rots because of magic chemicals they put in it (spoiler alert: no they don't). The Double Down is meat and cheese. It tastes like meat and cheese. Nothing more, nothing less. Nom up.

¹ That is correct; I got a car and a Double Down and chose to write about the chicken.

² These numbers are from the web sites of Kelsey's, KFC, and Starbucks.

The Cock of the Walk

2010-11-13T13:49:00.000-05:00

There's this cock carved in the sidewalk near Queens and Wellington; nothing fancy, just a half oval with two circles. My sense of humour includes the not-so-sophisticated, so I giggle every time I walk past.

It takes me about 45 minutes to walk to work (factoring in a stop for coffee, because the coffee at work tastes like poisoned piss). Both ways, that's an hour and a half out of my day, every day, that I spend walking. A perk of the job I'm walking to is that they give me money for doing it. Should I use that income to buy a car and save the time it takes to walk?

No, because if I was driving, I wouldn't get to giggle at that cock.

Beyond the obvious health benefits, there is a subtle value in taking the time to walk wherever I go. When I started this job, I'd pass this angry black man every day. With his unpleasant scowl and determined stare, I wondered what the problem was. But every day, his scowl softens just a bit when he sees me, and that glint of recognition flashes in his eyes. Further down the road I encounter the pretty girl with the nice eyebrows. We've progressed to a corner-mouth half-smile when we pass.

We're building something in slow motion, 10 seconds at a time. Not relationships, but maybe something approaching acquaintanceships. Even if it never goes past near-imperceptible nods, that's enough to foster a sense of community. A feeling that we share the space we live in with unique people, rather than anonymous silhouettes behind windshields.

I'll still buy a car for when I need it (read: beer runs), but as long as my legs will carry me, I'll rely on them as my main form of transportation. It's worth taking the extra time to smell the roses, get to know the people, and laugh at the dicks.

Stephen King Contest: WINNERS

2010-11-12T08:12:00.001-05:00

The results of the contest are in. I wish everyone could be winners, I really do, because most of your entries were just awesome. But I've only got two books, so by random draw (see the spreadsheet here), the winners are...

Sean!, with the following stupid story:

In Castle Rock Maine a county fair has just happened. People laughed. People rode the rides. People ate fires, cotton candy, chill cheese dogs, deep fried mars bars. They ate and Ate and Ate.

Now the town suffers heavily.

Into this plugged up place comes a wanderer with no past, no present, no future.

He eases the way....his name is Lax. And for a price....he brings relief.

And...

Simon McNeil!, with this one:

I was going to say "This guy gets driven insane by a giant finger poking out of the bathtub drain" but King already did that one....

So instead:

A couple driving in rural Maine come across a town with a terrible secret.

All the people there are really actually moose in disguise and they transform outsiders into lush marshy grasses.

By the end the man has been transformed into a stand of horsetail and the woman looses her left hand which transforms partly into pond weed before she escapes the evil moose.

Then she crashes her car into an ordinary deer because she wasn't paying attention.

Congrats! Both of you get a perfectly okay copy of Full Dark, No Stars. However, only one person can get the slightly less bent copy. Chosen on literary merit, the winner of the non-shitty copy of the book is...

Envelope please...

Envelope...

GIVE ME THE FUCKING ENVELOPE.

It's Sean. He must read this blog a lot, because he obviously knows that I can't resist stories about poop.

I will try to contact the winners later (I'm running late for work you guys), but if you happen to read this before I do, please email me (alkfjdsa at phronk dot com) with your deets. By deets I mean address.

Thanks to everyone who entered and linked to this. And thanks Simon and Schuster for the free shit. You two are the best.

CONTEST: Win Stephen King's Full Dark, No Stars by Being Stupid

2010-11-04T20:46:00.002-04:00

I've spent a lot of time with Stephen King's books. My respect for him is deeper than fandom. It feels more like having gone on a long road trip with someone, and even though you piss each other off a lot, you're so glad you spent the time together.

I was delighted, then, when Simon and Schuster offered to send me some copies of King's upcoming book, Full Dark, No Stars (or at least I was delighted after I actually got the books, confirming that it wasn't just a scam to get my address and send me poisonous dust. Sometimes I'm paranoid about people mailing me poisonous dust). Full Dark, No Stars is a collection of novellas, kinda like Different Seasons. I have read the first paragraph of the first story, and can confirm that it is very good up to that point.

I got three copies, and I'm still reading Under the Dome so I won't have time to read one copy right away, let alone three. Therefore, I will give away the other two copies to you, Constant Blog Readers.

The book doesn't come out until November 9th, so you can enter this contest before it is even in stores (you won't actually get the book before it's in stores, but you can smugly say you saw a picture of your book [see above] before it was). Here is how to enter:

1. Promise to read my blog every day forever. And like it.
2. Leave a comment¹ here with your idea for a Stephen King story if Stephen King was really stupid.

Examples:
A meteor crashes into a small town in Maine, and it turns all boys into girls and all girls into turtle creatures.
An isolated writer discovers that his computer is evil. He struggles to finish his novel while his computer constantly tells him he sucks and tries to electrocute him. While he sleeps, the computer orders a package off of eBay. It contains poisonous dust.

Two winners will be chosen at random in one week (November 11th). But make your entry good, because hey, look at that picture above. See how one copy is kinda bent at the bottom? The random entry that is better / more hilarious / sexier will get the non-shitty copy.

Good luck! Feel free to forward this to anyone who may be interested.

P.S. Simon & Schuster also has their own contest to win a bunch of King books, so go enter that too. Click on this:

P.P.S. Shipping costs are brought to you by some company that makes fabric blinds. Seriously, I'm paid $30 for that link. I really don't care if you go and buy fabric blinds or not.

¹ Or tweet it to me, or email if you're shy, or whatever. It'll be posted publicly if it's good, though. For all entries, please make sure there is a way I can contact you.

OMGvember

2010-11-02T21:25:00.001-04:00

November is also:

So I gotta write a novel, become a doctor, grow a moustache (poking those hairs up is hard work), and come to grips with being alone forever. Probably because I don't have time for other people.

All this on top of a full time job. Did I tell you I got a full time job, blog? Because yeah, I'm totally working for The Man now. But it's not exactly selling my soul; I just rent it out between the hours of 9 and 5.

Plus I help make London awesome (HEY COME TO THE LONDON SHORT FILM SHOWCASE ON SATURDAY), and I even have a smidge of a social life sometimes.

It's a lot on my plate. Luckily I'm always hungry.

But hey, blog, let me temper this rambling horn-tooting by telling you an uncomfortable truth about myself: I am profoundly lazy. The only reason I do anything is so I can enjoy doing nothing. When your mind has been active all day, there is nothing better than sitting down to watch terrible television that makes your mind not only inactive, but dumber (#snookie). Or just kinda zoning out; finding yourself staring at a closed fridge door for 5 minutes, maybe because you thought you were hungry, or maybe just because your mind shut off when you happened to be in the kitchen.

I like having done almost as much as I like doing. I need that down time. Which means, and this is what I've been trying to tell you, blog, is that if I'm going to get all these ___vember activities done, something else has to give if I'm to have that perfect work/laziness balance. If you are my friend and I don't see you all month, at least you know why. If you stop by because you didn't read this, and you figure someone's gotta collect the body, then you see that my computer desk is just a valley among mountains of unwashed coffee cups and empty pizza boxes, then, well, I'm sorry for the smell.

I'll be gone all November. Give a kiss to my mutha.

Joe No

2010-10-26T08:10:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid—maybe grade 7 or 8—an unusual school assembly was held. We gathered in an auditorium and listened to a man talk about something that was ostensibly educational. I don't remember the topic; maybe it was about the political system or something. What I do remember is that this man talked more about himself than about anything substantially informative.

Even back then, I remember having the thought: dude, why are you campaigning to us? We're children.

I vowed never to vote for him.

So last night, in London's mayoral race, I voted against Joe Fontana.

This morning, I woke up and he was mayor.

It's not exactly terrible news. Change is always exciting, whether for better or worse. And nothing encourages artistic expression better than rallying against a leader that creative types tend to despise. I'm not opposed to lower taxes, though I'd rather see equal or higher taxes spent properly.

Plus, at least he's not Rob Ford. Ouch, Toronto. Just...ouch.

Still, it would have been nice to have a mayor who doesn't have a really crappy web site (really, I think you can tell a lot about someone by their web site). Can someone awesome please step up in the next 4 years? Thanx.

London Ontario Zombie Walk 2010

2010-10-24T20:55:00.001-04:00

The sun may have been out today, but it didn't keep some delightfully dark Londoners from hitting the streets for the annual zombie walk.

This. This is what makes me proud to live in this city.

Bwahahah. The foot. THE FOOT. Bwhahah.

Kevin probably took much better pictures.

Zombie Elvis + zombie Elvis fan.

Nothing in this photo makes sense.

A different Day of the Dead.

Zombie!

Wait what?

This girl has the crazy eyes down pat. I hope she doesn't always look like that.

Cutest cannibals ever!

You shouldn't crowd surf with zombies.

You know, even though it's all makeup, there is something actually-scary about having a crowd of hundreds of undead clawing and growling at you. The kid above, he might have a few nightmares. Forever. And I'm not sure if he got that shoe back.

I say this every year, but for real this time, next year I'm going as a zombie. Someone kill me for real if I don't.

Bling

2010-10-19T20:21:00.001-04:00

If there is one thing I've never fully understood, it's extravagant jewelry. Nothing says "human existence is pointless" like working your ass off to save enough money to afford a bauble that serves no purpose other than to show how much you worked your ass off.

Sure, an expensive diamond looks pretty. So does a fake one that costs a fraction of the price. Yes yes I know, you can tell the difference, but only when you're looking at it up close, right before shoving it in your friends' faces and subtly hinting at how much your fiancé spent on it. That kid brewing in your belly? Oh, he can get by without a college fund.

Bling is about displaying excess wealth. Showing off the ability to dig up something shiny and not starve to death may have served a function in our evolutionary past, but the associated thrill that nature programmed us with makes little sense today. Today, when the wealth locked up in one of those functionless rocks could keep several less fortunate people from starving for a year.

I'm not above this. I spend money on plenty of things that serve no greater purpose. I look forward to spending a retarded amount of money on a trinket for some future love-of-my-life, if that is what she really desires, instead of giving it to charity. I am human too, but I'm working on it.

Similarly, I am not above being manipulated by flattery. So when I was contacted by someone from Gordons Gold Jewellers (not one of the Gordons, unfortunately) saying they keep up with my blog over there, and thought of me when setting up their little contest, I couldn't help but be softened up enough to be inspired to write a ranty post about diamonds that includes this poster:

Plus, supporting local business is kinda like charity, right?

Go forth, human. Win your own pointless rock.

Old People: The New Young People

2010-10-17T22:50:00.001-04:00

One of the cool things about kids is that they see magic in everything. Because it's all new, it's all exciting, so even the most mundane observation can be a revelation. A rainbow isn't just a rainbow; it's a mystery with potential for leprechauns and riches.

However, after seeing the same thing a few times, it becomes normal; everyday things are revealed as everyday things. A rainbow is just reflected light gone wrong (unless it's double, in which case, whoooaaa oh my god).

This is why old people no longer get joy out of the world.

UGLY

Except that's not true. Rapid progress in technology puts a wrinkle in the ability to experience magic in modern mundane life. Consider this: a kid born in the 90s has never known a world without the internet. The ability to draw on something close to the entirely of human knowledge using a pocket-sized device, to anyone under 20, that's just the way you figure something out.

Whereas at 30, I remember when figuring out a single unknown fact involved a trip to the library, looking through a card catalogue, carrying a stack of books to a table, and skimming through them until you stumble across what you're looking for. So to me? Being able to reach in my pocket, type half a misspelled search term vaguely related to what I'm looking for, then instantly get an answer? That's magic. All the way.

Old people, born before the turn in the curve of the exponential rise in technological complexity, have experienced both sides of it. We can always see the way things are in the context of how things used to be, and re-experience the magic in them. We can gawk at a new iPhone the same way a baby gawks at a toy she has never ever seen before.

Of course, I think a key to happiness is to find this joy in everything, regardless of whether it's because you're young enough to be seeing it for the first time, because you're old enough to remember its predecesor, or because you appreciate the awesomeness of life's riches both natural and man-made.

David Sedaris

2010-10-03T22:05:00.002-04:00

I don't usually admire people. Maybe it's cynicism or maybe it's a large ego, but I see the vast majority of celebrities as equals; average people who got lucky.

Yet I found myself in awe of David Sedaris when I saw him perform live on Friday night at Centennial Hall. His way with words was inspiring. His sentences were carefully constructed yet natural, weaved into not-quite-fables that jump and twist yet always feel cohesive.

It was clear that it wasn't just a well-rehearsed routine. While answering audience questions, he was able to produce pure improvised wit. And while reading from his diary—which was kinda like hearing someone read a blog, except one actually worth reading—he still had enough cognitive resources left to simultaneously ponder and write down notes for improvements to future shows. That sort of mental athleticism impresses me far more than any sports star or guitar shredder.

When I met him at the book signing after the show, somehow, within a minute, he had me confessing how much I cried when Willow died. Then he predicted that I'd get a cat soon. So, you know, he's not perfect.

Still, it was nice to admire someone for a change.

New Twitter is Still Stupid

2010-09-28T16:41:00.002-04:00

Almost a year ago, I wrote about how Twitter is stupid, but could easily be made smarter. A nice time to make it better would be when completely revamping the web site.

So when I finally got "New Twitter" today, I had hope that it would fix all the little retardations that made the old Twitter impossible to navigate if forced to use the web site (rather than a good standalone client application).

Somehow, it's even worse.

New Twitter looks nice, and makes it easy to follow conversations, find related tweets, and see photos and other media without leaving the web site. So yeah, it's an improvement in some ways. Unfortunately, it's still got this one little flaw: it's impossible to fucking read your Twitter feed in any way that resembles how people actually read stuff.

Am I missing something? Because as I see it now, here is how you're supposed to catch up with your friends' updates:

1) Log in to Twitter.

2) Scroll down to the bottom of the page for some reason.

3) Start reading from bottom to top for some reason.

4) Get to the "last" tweet, which is actually at the top for some reason.

5) See that there are X number of new tweets. Click to display them.

6) You now have to scroll down X tweets to get to where you left off. Methods for accomplishing this include:

Scrolling down and skimming every tweet until you find one you recognize, like some really boring version of Where's Waldo.
Going down exactly X tweets, counting by hand. Might have to use your fingers.
~~Look for the really thin line that indicates where you last refreshed.~~ Oh, they got rid of the only method that made sense.
Voodoo.

7) Start reading bottom-to-top again. Read the tweets you already scrolled past.

8) Retrieve new tweets, repeat semi-random up and down scrolling.

9) Go to hospital for severe eye strain.

That may seem overly complicated, which is exactly my point.

It'd be better if it went like this:

A) Log in to Twitter.

B) See the last tweet you read at the top of the screen.

C) Scroll down until you get to the last tweet at the bottom.

D) Click to refresh. Keep reading top to bottom like a normal human being.

Isn't that better?

Seriously, how does anyone use the Twitter web site (new or old)? Maybe I'm just not very tolerant of having to put a lot of cognitive effort into reading what should be a simple chronological timeline. Or did I forget to click some kind of "make this web site useable" option? Someone tell me in the comments, because I'm genuinely baffled by this.

LOLA 2010 2

2010-09-24T20:11:00.000-04:00

Here are a few more pictures and words about LOLA fest 2010. (Part 1 is here).

This tank/candy/paint thing was one of the few visual art installations at LOLA. It wasn't all visual though, because it constantly radiated sounds of distorted voices and music, like a broken toy. I found it kind of awesome.

I took a closer look at the plaque near the other tank (see here), which contained some hidden gems. Look at that last line.

Let's forgive the unwieldily abuse of dashes and the implication that flowers are capable of drawing meaning from various fields. Instead, let's look at that last part. "...gives dramatic visibility to tank while reminding Londoners why it there." Seriously? If you're going to be putting a sign up in a public place for all of London to see, isn't it worth taking 5 minutes to proof read? Visual artists don't need to master their words like they do their paintbrushes, but they could at least avoid caveman-speak.

This guy from ~~Fond of Caribous~~ ~~Leaf Tiger~~ Leaf Bird was wearing his hat inside-out. It's either the next cool-thing-to-do or ... not.

Closing out the festival was Text of Light, featuring Lee Ranaldo. The band pumps out improvised noise while an (unrelated?) experimental film from the 70s plays behind them. Ranaldo is one of the best guitarists of all time, having co-founded Sonic Youth, so I expected, you know, a little guitar playing. All I got was this:

I've seen quite a few "noise" bands like this before, and after a while, I sorta get it. It's not appealing in the same way music is, but it is another way of pleasing the mind through the ears. In a more indirect route though, because the sounds are not inherently pleasant. More like nightmarish. This experience, it's like a horror film for the ears.

OH ALSO: I finally got a chance to run into the famous Forest City Fashionista, who I rudely interrupted while she chatted with James Reaney, who wrote a London Free Press article about LOLA, which I am in. Or at least one of my crappy tweets is in.

All in all, I had a blast volunteering at LOLA. Many thanks to Titus Ferguson for successfully heading up the digital team. I'm already looking forward to next year.

LOLA 2010

2010-09-19T11:54:00.000-04:00

I was incredibly lucky to be asked to join the digital media team at LOLA Fest this year. For the past 3 days I've been wandering Victoria Park with a shiny new BlackBerry, taking pictures and video, tweeting, and making sure the not-always-live-stream has stuff on it.

I'll write more later, but here is a sampling of the excitement I've experienced so far.

This guy, from the Rhys Chatham Trumpet Trio, was playing the drums with a creepy-ass doll.

The Holy Roller is covered in poppies.

I almost wrote poopies.

This guys seemed to have been killed by Exit 2012. But fortunately, he opened his eyes a moment later, then proceeded to do some sit-ups.

I kind of love this little moment of bromance that I accidentally filmed while Fond of Tigers played.

I was given a backstage pass to explore everything LOLA has to offer. Here is an EXCLUSIVE OMG INSIDE LOOK at the green room that the bands get to hang out in.

That bowl is made out of an old record. That's right, only the best for LOLA artists.

Here is Land of Talk from the backstage side. I was looking forward to seeing them most, and they did not disappoint. Plus, I had the pleasure of meeting Elizabeth Powell when I recorded the interview Katrina Hass did with her. She is such a compelling person; I'll post the interview, with its delightfully awkward moments, when it's available.

There's still another day of LOLA awesomeness. Come on down to Victoria Park if you can, but if you can't, follow along at my Twitter, LOLA's Twitter, or the best of all worlds by searching LOLA on Twitter (this also shows up on screens all over the park, so feel free to make yourself famous). There's also the live stream. Wave when you see me.

Spoiled

2010-09-14T22:14:00.001-04:00

You know how outdated media companies could combat piracy? By seeding file sharing sites with files that have spoilers in the file names. I'd be reluctant to try searching an illicit download site if I'm likely to come across Harry_Potter_6(DVDRiP)_SNAPEKILLSDUMBLEDORE.avi or SurvivorS01E11_Richard_Wins.XviD or Six_Feet_Under_hey_guess_what_everyone_dies.mov.

I don't want to encourage them, but it's not like dying industries read blogs or are capable of trying anything creative.

This new Apple TV, however, is at least a step toward aligning media distribution with this newfangled "internet" thing. There is a sweet spot where it becomes worth paying money to avoid the hassle of searching for something that is otherwise free. At $99 for a device that can instantly dish out 99¢ TV episodes, that sweet spot's hit, at least for me. I'd rather just pay my loonie than take the time to hunt an episode down across multiple sites, download it into submission, then drag it back to the device I consume it on. Sometimes it's better to just order a burger instead of killing your own cow, y'know?

Plus, if I can cancel my cable subscription, it's a net gain.

By the way, I have a full time job now, so all my blog posts will either be really short, or rambling nonsense that randomly goes nowhere, fueled by sleep deprivation and the crushing weight of adulthood.

So, how about baklava eh?

2010-09-09T21:17:00.000-04:00

Today someone told me I look like Matthew Fox. Well, I assume Matthew Fox; she actually said "that guy from Lost" and I just assumed it wasn't Sawyer. Wait, what if she meant Hurley? JIN?!

The Horrors Delights of Internet Dating, Volume 9

2010-09-06T13:03:00.000-04:00

Like I've said before, not every dating profile is a disaster. Believe it or not, some girls are actually interesting enough to manage to get a little twitch out of my shriveled black heart.

One of the first things people see in a profile is your username. It's delightful to see names that aren't just a combination of your real name and random numbers.

I GET IT.

COCKY.

PROBABLY A NIGHTMARE.

Ok ok, a variation of your real name can be okay if you're awesome about it.

Pictures are, of course, the most important part of a profile. But I think a lot of people underestimate the impact of a great caption.

I don't know how it's possible to be a serial killer only on the internet, but in any case, I'd totally let her stab me to death then play around with my blood.

It's good to be realistic. This person would probably also get along famously with a retard in tinfoil:

Speaking of the letter B:

Uungh yeah, burp my name baby.

Sometimes it's good to be reassured that a girl doesn't already have too many penises in her life:

It's also good to know when she has one too many:

But she appreciates good grammar, so it's tempting. As you know, I am a grammar snob (at least when it comes to written profiles), and I am given hope for my romantic future when I see I'm not the only one.

Seriously.

Maybe the lack of punctuation here is ironic.

Cute. Possibly too cute.

It's true. When it comes to undesirable qualities, poor apostrophe usage is right up there with being a demon child.

A desirable quality, however, is knowing what information is important and using Plentyoffish's tag line to get it out of the way immediately:

Speaking of balls:

Ok. Uhh. [Insert segue].

Obvi I sent this person a message. She seemed pretty cool but then I forgot to reply for a few days and then I just never replied. Which is how it usually goes. The internet: I'm doing it wrong. Otherwise I'd be going on actual dates with these people and have a whole new level of horror to blog about then have blow up in my face when these people read it.

As you can probably tell, what my aforementioned shriveled heart really needs is a good shock. Especially after skimming 20 profiles that are almost exactly the same, it is so nice to see something that comes out of nowhere.

BE MINE.

Tweeting With the Stars, Volume 6: Sunny Lane

2010-08-25T10:34:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

See also:

Tweeting With the Stars Volume 5, Deepak Chopra Volume 2

Tweeting With the Stars Volume 4, Deepak Chopra Volume 1

Fontroversy

2010-08-23T15:53:00.000-04:00

Since I wrote some controversial things about fonts, people send me font-related stuff. For example, comics:

(thanks @Tedhealy)

(thanks Dan)

Also, a lot of people are mad about my quotes in that BBC article. Which doesn't bother me much, because people who get mad about fonts are not the type of people whose approval I seek out.

I'm snobby about certain things myself. I like particular beers more than others. There are statistic techniques that I hate to see abused. But if I see someone drinking Budweiser or failing to apply a Bonferroni correction, it doesn't make me angry unless it's hurting someone. Font snobs should, in my humble opinion, take a step back, chill out, and realize they are freaking out about letters.

99 Problems But a Fish Ain't One

2010-08-18T12:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I saw a turtle squashed in the middle of the road. It's not something you see every day in downtown London, so I figure it was an omen that it would be one of those days when everything that could go wrong would go wrong.

My first of two thesis defenses was scheduled for 1:00. I gave myself an hour after I got to school to have lunch and go over my introductory presentation. I'd written it the night before, but hadn't practiced it yet. Last minute I guess, but I work best under pressure and there was much procrasturbation to be had. ¹

When I picked up some sushi and a drink, the server made fun of my "bucket of coffee." It's true though, a venti is approaching a litre of friggin coffee. On my way back to my office, my labmate told me that I looked really chill. Which I mostly was, because all my preparation plans were in place, and all I could do was my best.

I got to my office, then flipped on my computer.

I didn't know Apple computers could have a blue screen of death, but there it was: a blank blue screen. It was perfectly fine just 30 minutes earlier when I left the house, and now, it's giving me sass with this blue screen. I reset it, and the blue screen was fixed! Except now it was this grainy rainbow screen of death.

I frantically Googled on my phone. I safe-moded and start-up-item-altered and make-verbs-out-of-phrases-ized as fast as my fingers would allow, but nothing that the internet suggested would help.

I took a moment to bite into my sushi. I say "bite into" because the salmon sashimi was this stringy unchewable mess. But as I stared at the spit-out wad of rancid meat, in the light of what was now a grey nonfunctional screen, feeling less than chill, a supernatural clarity came over me. I found myself reaching for a video adapter thingy. I poked it into a hole in the side of my laptop, then removed it.

No more screen of death. Like many grumpy people, my computer just needed something hard shoved into a random orifice.

I quickly loaded up my presentation. Even though I hadn't worn a tie in a year, I let my fingers figure out how to tie it while I practiced my presentation at quadruple speed.

I got to my defense with sushi breath (I was out of gum, naturally) and a screaming bladder full of venti ounces of caffè. Of course, one of the people who needed to be there didn't show up, so we started late anyway. But the bottom line is that I got through the presentation and the rounds of difficult questioning, and passed like a boss. Revisions, one more defense, then I'll be a doctor.

The lesson here is that even when things go horribly wrong (in a first-world-problems sense, anyway), let them go wrong, and it will probably turn out fine anyway. They might even give you a PhD.

¹ Thanks @wintr for introducing me to that wonderful word.

iPad Review

2010-08-11T12:55:00.000-04:00

Meta.

I've had an iPad for a few weeks now, and I think the best way to review it is to tell you how it's been integrated into my life.

I'm currently preparing for my first PhD dissertation defense. That means reading over and taking notes on my written dissertation, rereading the articles I cite, and preparing a short presentation.

So for the last few days, I've left the house with only my iPad. I have Dropbox on my laptop computer¹ (now my "home computer"), so before I leave I copy the files I'll need into my internet-situated Dropbox folder. When I get somewhere cool (literally cool, like an air conditioned coffee shop, or figuratively cool, like a park bench), then I whip out my iPad and start up the Dropbox application. From there I can open up files in whatever application supports them.

So I open up my thesis in Pages. I make minor corrections when I find them. When I see something that takes substantial effort, like rewriting a paragraph or looking up an article, I open up Evernote. Evernote is a simple application for taking notes that, like Dropbox, is in the cloud and can be accessed on any computer. I've set up notes there with a list of articles to look up later and a list of major corrections to be made.

When I get back to my home computer, I can easily access my notes, make corrections, and look up articles to read. I slap the PDFs of articles onto my iPad, then take it to the couch to sit back and read them (I use Goodreader for PDFs).

I'll inevitably get distracted and go catch up on my RSS feeds (Reeder) or Twitter (Twitteriffic). If I find a long article or blog entry I'd like to remember to read later, I'll hit the Instapaper button that's built into a lot of apps. This easily saves the link and text of an article, again in the cloud, to be read later on any device. If I'm still needing distraction, I can go play Words With Friends or Osmos or use Adobe Ideas to draw cocks all over my iPhoto library.

THIS IS THE FUTURE.

I've talked mostly about reading content on the iPad, rather than creating it. For reading, you will sometimes see people say things like "I can't imagine reading all day on a backlit screen." Note: you usually see this from people who have spent all day trolling technology forums on their netbooks. Enough said. But I do think that its primary use is taking in content, not pumping it out. I've gotten used to the touch keyboard and can type at maybe 70% of the speed I do on a physical keyboard, but it's still not quite fast or accurate enough for writing a whole paper or novel on. I may try preparing my defense presentation on it in Keynote and see how that goes.

I can't get enough of the internet-based storage that the iPad encourages. It's ideal to start reading something on the iPad (feeds, Twitter, even a book), then pick up where you left off on another device, like a desktop when you're sitting at home, or a phone ~~when you're sitting on the toilet.~~ All without having to physically plug anything into anything else. I think "cloud computing" is more than a fancy buzzword; it's the future of where our information will be stored and manipulated.

I could have done all these things without an iPad. It's just a lot more pleasant with one. Tablet computers are finally finding their niche; not one where they were absolutely needed, but one where certain tasks are just a bit easier than with a full computer or phone (e.g. attending London city council?). My life hasn't been drastically changed by the iPad, but the bottom line is that, for now, it's a luxury that makes some everyday activities just slightly better than they used to be.

¹ If you don't have Dropbox, you totally should; it's like a free hard drive on the internet. If you sign up with this link, we both get an extra 250 MB for free. Woot.

Rihanna and Ke$ha at the Molson Amphitheatre

2010-08-10T00:11:00.000-04:00

I went to see Ke$ha and Rihanna. Yes, I am a teenage girl in a man's body. Whatever. Popular music is popular for a reason.

Anyway, they put on a good show. The Molson Amphitheatre, being an amphitheatre, is half outdoors. The tickets we could afford put us way back on the lawn, which is, relative to the stage, in buttfuck nowhere. So it was hard to see the performers and the sound wasn't great, but still, I had a great time.

We arrived late for Ke$ha but the few songs we caught were decent. She sounded pretty good, considering she barely even sings in her recorded music. But she didn't even seem drunk, and wasn't covered in come as far as I could tell, so it could've been more entertaining.

Rihanna put on a far more elaborate show. Video vignettes covered up the frequent changes in costumes and sets, with each group of songs being performed among a different fancy setup. For example, Disturbia had a horror-themed set, with giant monster thingies on stilts towering around Rihanna. Such acrobatics accompanies a lot of the show, though there were a few subdued moments as well.

Musically, I was impressed by the band backing her; the live instruments gave her songs more of a rock vibe than the electronic pop on her albums. Although she sometimes seemed to take breaks and let the backup singers take over more than she should have, her voice was strong when she belted it out.

Here's a shitty iPhone video:

You can hear all the high pitched voices around us. The constant cries of OH MY GOD I AM HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME; I LOVE HER SO MUCH; SHE'S SO PRETTY could have been annoying, but the unadultered excitement was kind of infectious. And yeah, we were pretty much the oldest people there other than (bizarrely irresponsible) parents. I don't know if that makes me a D-I-N-O-S-A, U-R a dinosaur or a Mr. Watson, but I've never been one for limiting my music consumption based on my age.

Should People With Disabilities Get in Free?

2010-08-05T11:30:00.003-04:00

The Western Fair is London's annual showcase for carnies and dangerous rides. Recently, its organizers announced that, unlike previous years, people with disabilities would be charged admission to the fair. There was immediate public outrage. So much that the Western Fair reversed its decision.

I just have one question: why should people with disabilities get in free?

On an emotional level it certainly makes sense. Also, I think a major reason for the outrage was the change from free to not-free, rather than the absolute policy. If everyone had been charged all along, I doubt many people would be considering a boycott. However, are there any deeper rational / ethical reasons for letting some people in free? Here are several possibilities.

1. Disabled people can't fully enjoy the fair.

Probably true in most cases. Maybe admission prices should be proportional to the percentage of attractions that one can take advantage of.

But wait, that's not how admission prices generally work.

Someone being dragged to a concert or movie they hate still pays full ticket price. Pregnant women still pay to get into an amusement park even though they don't (/shouldn't) go on the rides. People who don't drink still pay cover.

It's not up to the Western Fair to make guesses about how much individual attendees will enjoy it and adjust prices based on that. Like everything else, they set a fixed price, and it is up to the attendees to decide if that price is worth paying. If people aren't willing to pay it, the fair can either drop prices, or improve it so that more people will enjoy it more (e.g., by increasing accessibility for disabled people).

2. Charging disabled people is essentially charging the government. Plus, they're poor.

People with disabilities are usually aided by the government, with programs like ODSP and CPP. That's obviously great; I am proud to live in a country where we have these in place. However, I fail to see why the source of income matters when spending it. If these assistance programs don't take discretionary spending into account, then the problem is with the programs, not the Western Fair.

Maybe we should give poor people a break. Okay, so why are people on welfare charged admission? They're both government-funded and poor.

The Western Fair isn't a universal human right. It's a luxury for people who can afford it. If we want more people to be able to afford it, then we should be pushing for higher taxes to assist them with.

3. The Western Fair can easily afford it if they funnel money from their casino to the fair itself.

This is barely worth addressing. It's not the public's job to decide how the Western Fair should spend their money. It may not be the best move financially, and even if it was, there would probably be outrage because they're using dirty gambling money to fund a children's fair.

4. Disabled people have a rough life, so we should give them a break.

This is the most compelling for me. Emotionally, I'm fully on board with this. I believe that a good measure of a society is how it treats its most disadvantaged members. Society should be set up so that everyone, no matter what, can live as comfortably as possible and be able to reach their full potential.

But the Western Fair isn't society. It's a business.

More importantly, there is a fine line between helping our fellow man and meaningless expressions of pity. Essentially giving someone a $10.00 gift because we feel sorry for them is, I would think, almost insulting.

These reasons are, at the very least, problematic.

I think the biggest argument against the fee waiver is this: it's discrimination. Plain and simple, it's treating an individual differently based on their group membership.

There are some cases where discrimination is okay, but we must be very careful when we start going down that road, because it's hard to get off. There are a lot of reasons for having a rough life, or for being in a bad place physically, mentally, or financially. When we pick one category to help/pity, it raises the question of why all the others are left out. Unless there is very good reason for doing otherwise, the most ethically defensible policy is to treat all people equally, then let individuals decide if they wish to accept that policy.

I do think the Western Fair made the right decision. Having the exception then taking it away was a bad move, and they should have foreseen the outrage. However, other than as a marketing ploy that caters to the easily-angered masses, I am not fully convinced that there were rational reasons for having the admission fee waiver there in the first place.

Caveats: I have little personal experience with disabilities, and have not spent a substantial amount of time researching this. I may have missed arguments, or clarifications to the ones above. I am only reacting to what I have seen. I think it is important to fully reason through such ethically loaded issues rather than reacting with blind outrage based on shallow initial reactions.

Also, the issue of allowing people who HELP disabled people to get in free is a completely different one. In that case, while it's still muddy, I'm more solidly on the side of allowing the helper in for free. To put it bluntly, the helper is acting as a device that allows the other person to attend, rather than themselves attending.

I just read somewhere that the Western Fair ONLY considers someone "special needs" if they require another person. So maybe their policy makes more sense. I still think the above reasoning is relevant, though, as I have seen these poor arguments made in relation to the Western Fair affair.

P.S. I am not heartless. Heartless would be reacting without fully thinking through the implications for all people involved.

NOTE: Blogger's comment system seems to be messed up today. Be sure to copy your comment before pressing post and/or try again later and/or Tweet it to me.

The Emotional Ramifications of Bleeps and Bloops

2010-08-04T15:29:00.000-04:00

The iPhone needs more options for the new text message sound. There are only six beeps, bongs, and honks available, with no ability to add new ones.

I say this not out of a vain need for customization, but for the emotional well-being of iPhone users.

This is modern life:

You meet someone you like, and she likes you enough to give you her phone number. You send her an innocuous text, then wait with breath abated for a reply. BONG, an innocuous text in return. You do this back-and-forth a few times and soon each message contains not just neutral words but embedded emotion.

Eventually it's BEEP BEEP here are your plans for the evening; DING! here comes a compliment you'll remember for the rest of your life. You precede those consequences with that sound enough times, and they become inextricably linked. A smile hits your lips and your heart leaps into your throat with every buzz of your pocket.

Maybe you go on a few adventures. Maybe you screw. Maybe you make plans for the future. But nothing lasts forever, and when things inevitably go sour, all the positive associations with that tone become ambivalent, then negative. Finally, DONG! we need 2 talk.

Those associations are embedded deep, and they never quite go away. Alerts for even the most frivolous texts now make your mouth go dry; they're Pavlov's bell in reverse.

It doesn't take long to cycle through all six tones.

Technology is so embedded in our lives that we must increasingly consider not only its practical ramifications, but the full spectrum of human emotion as well.

2010-08-02T12:44:00.000-04:00

If I had a horse, I think I'd name him Bacon. Because then I could say "I'm going to get Bacon the horse."

Get it? Because that sounds sort of like "back on the horse."

Which is an idiom.

Fuck, never mind.

My favourite AC/DC song is Bacon Black.

The Horrors of Internet Dating, Volume 8

2010-07-28T12:16:00.007-04:00

When you're looking for someone to date, one of the most important things is having something in common. Luckily, OkCupid has advanced algorithms that can scour profiles and identify common interests.

Thanks. That really helps this person stand out from everyone else. Although some people need more help standing out than others.

Pro tip: if you have friends who look exactly the same as you, identify which one is you. Better yet, take pictures with friends who look different so it's clear which one is y-

AHHH FUCK! Never mind, I take it back. Just take normal pictures. Goddamn. I remember when The Shining was just a movie.

But it's words that matter more than horrific pictures.

No, random internet person, you shouldn't have to preface that. If thinking deep conversation and communication are important is "weird" to most people, then I'm screwed. Let's see who else agrees with me:

Nope. This may sound weird, but I use a spacebar and shift key when communicating with a keyboard.

Although, "Ballcrosswordsex" does sound like my kind of sport.

Hey I like intelligence! I like learning! I even like happiness! Unfortunately, I also like the letter N. :(

Falling apart at the.

But you know, despite being a snobby grammar nazi (which is obvious in my profile), sometimes people actually do send me messages. Let's see who loves me today:

ok. yw. loljk.

I am flattered, truly, that someone thinks I am Q.T. Cutie? I am cutie? Wait what?

YOU ARE CUTIE. ME LIKE LONG WALKS ON BEACH.

Sometimes I figure these people must be getting by on their looks, but then I click and they either don't have a picture or aren't that good looking. So then I just feel sorry for them because they're not very good at communicating over the internet. Either that or they just don't put any effort in because they figure I'm so desperate I'll go for anything. Which is 100% true.¹

At least some people appreciate language.

This assassin lover does like animals. And poem. I wonder if there is someone else who's into the same things.

Well, her life is suck, but she does like dog! And pomes! Close enough.

This may sound weird, but maybe I should go back to trying to find thuth love in real life.

I leave you with this:

¹ Not really. Actually my pickiness only allows me to go anywhere with the cream of the crop. Then I get all emotionally invested because the cream of the crop is so very rare, and that makes me all serious and not-myself which sabotages everything, and I go back to stockpiling the crop of my cream.

On the BBC

2010-07-20T14:32:00.001-04:00

Hey look at that, I'm quoted in a feature on the front page of the BBC: Do Typefaces Really Matter? (near the end)

If you're visiting from the article, you may wish to see the post that inspired the reporter to give me a call: Fonts Don't Matter.

I wrote it to be a bit provocative, and I am by no means an expert in any aspect of design. However, I stand by my opinion that in the vast majority of situations where text's primary purpose is to be read (versus, say, recognized, like a brand's logo, or the sign to the right), typeface matters very little.

Some pro-fonters in the BBC article posit subliminal emotional reactions to fonts. That is a testable claim, and its veracity is an empirical question. Show me actual evidence for substantial differences in emotional reactions to fonts and I'll gladly rescind my assholery. Until then, I highly doubt there is a tapestry of font-inspired emotions comparable to Baskin-Robbins' 31 flavours of ice cream.

If this is your first visit to Phronk.com, welcome. I usually don't talk about design, but you might wanna come back anyway, since I'm kinda awesome. I also don't usually write boring posts about my dreams. Hence why I had to put this one up to, you know, make up for that last one. So y'all come back. Or else.

In other 15 minutes (maybe 16 now) of fame news, I am currently the featured blogger at Studio 30+ (also: I'm old). Plus there was being in Macleans and other publications etc etc talk to my publicist.

Hammy Potter

2010-07-17T18:18:00.000-04:00

Trying to sleep in sticky heat with a fan blasting in my face tends to give me the best dreams. I won't bore you with the details, but last night I dreamed that I went to see the latest Harry Potter movie. The dream seemed to go on for hours; every detail of the plot was there, and I even remember picking apart little differences from the book.

The thing was, it had nothing at all to do with the plot of any of the real-life books. No, my mind dreamed up an alternate Harry Potter involving alternate dimensions and even sadder angsty teen romance.

The best part, though, was my brain's replacement for Quidditch. There were still brooms and goals, but it was played indoors. Also, every kid played with a hamster strapped to their wand. In one scene, Harry realized that someone had sabotaged his hamster, because it belched a deadly fireball that singed a hole in the wall, almost killing Ron. I'm not sure what the hamsters strapped to wands were supposed to belch, buy not fireballs I guess.

It was at this point that I realized this wasn't really Harry Potter, and began to wake up. Damn. I hope I get to see what happens tonight.

Updates

2010-07-11T22:33:00.000-04:00

Oh internet, I know I haven't been there for you lately, and for that I am sorry.

It's just that there has been so much going on. See, when Willow died that got me pretty down, and when I'm down I feel like I'm this personality-free bag of flesh. That's not very conducive to blogging. Oh, me? Yeah, I'm doing better thanks, but, you know, it still hits me pretty hard once in a while.

The other thing is that I'm finally finishing up this school business. The deadline for my PhD dissertation is looming—I'm talking in two days here—so I've been spending, literally, almost every waking moment writing and rewriting and realizing there is no such thing as a fully functional word processor. Have I ever told you about my PhD research? It's pretty cool; I study horror movies. I'll be giving a very brief talk (like, 5 minutes) about the psychology of horror at Ignite London if you're interested. I'm going last, and you know what that means: I'M THE HEADLINER. And/or got chosen last in a hat draw. Whatevs.

So there's been all that stress, on top of other stress (mostly the good kind, but anything that gets my heart a-thump is still adding fuel to the fire), and although I've got enough mental resources to deal with it, it leaves me with few left to devote to you, dear internet. Don't worry, I will return to you soon. Then never leave you.

NE. VER. LEAVE. YOU.

Book Review: Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card

2010-07-01T10:26:00.001-04:00

You could describe Ender's Game as Harry Potter in space. It'd be a pretty shitty way of describing it, since Ender came long before Harry , but the similarities are there. We've got a school full of kids who are special, an upcoming war, a sport that involves flying around and reaching a goal, and one really special angsty kid who's destined to save the world.

The similarities "end" there, though. Ender's Game is not fantasy, but hard science fiction. For a geek like me, it was a delight to read the intricate details of how to maneuver in zero gravity; not only how it affects people physically, but mentally as well ("the enemy's gate is down").

The sci-fi doesn't come at the expense of character development, however. Ender is a flawed, rounded out character. Flawed in a Jack Bauer kind of way though; you always know he'll figure out a way to deal with any obstacle. Often violently.

I was amazed at the prescience of Card's vision of the future. The short story the book is based on was written in 1977, yet many of the technologies described are just coming to maturity in 2010. The Internet plays a large role (especially in the interesting but ultimately rather pointless side plot about Ender's sister), taking over media and political influence in a way we are sure to see soon. He even threw in a line about kitchen appliances being online; in the 80s, the idea of a human being able to type something up then post it for the entire world to see (hi) would have been mind-blowing, but somehow Card was already imagining Twittering fridges.

Part of his genius was keeping descriptions just vague enough that your mind fills in the details with plausible technology. For example, the students' "desk" computers are described as fitting on a lap and having a screen, but the exact control mechanism is never specified. Of course, I imagined them as iPads.

Speaking of which...I got an iPad. This is my first post written on it. My typing is slower and I can't figure out a way to include a picture, but I still feel like I've arrived in the friggin future. Full impressions coming up later.

2010-06-23T12:19:00.000-04:00

"Not great, to be honest," I said to the cab driver when he asked how I was. He proceeded to tell me about how bad his day was going—flat tire or something—but all London's beautiful women made it better, he said as he almost ran one over. I grunted and nodded, but even as it was happening it felt like a dream.

Willow was dead when I arrived at the animal hospital. Hit by a car. She looked so ... normal lying there, like she was just resting. Except she wasn't excited to see me, snorting and waving her little white-booted paws in the air. Sometimes when I came home and she did that, I'd try not to react, because books say spoiling them when you arrive home just makes them miss you more when you're gone. But ... oh God ... I wish I spoiled her every time I saw her, which already wasn't enough ... I wish I fully appreciated every single minute I got to spend with her, whether it was relaxing on the couch or cleaning up her puke. And I am going to miss her so much now that she is gone.

In my few hours of sleep that night I dreamed about taking Willow for a walk in this beautiful weather. Just another ordinary day with her. I was thankful to my subconscious for that. I also dreamed that the shrivelling little plants I keep on my windowsill had grown giant green leaves, reaching their full potential. I think the two dreams were related.

Even when I'm awake, my brain keeps trying to make sense of it. When my thoughts briefly wander from the topic, the grief will snap back to me in some new and horrible way. Sometimes it comes back fuzzy, like it really was a bad dream. A bad dream, or just a flight of dark hypotheticals that I mentally test-drove, as I'm prone to do when an idea for a horror story comes to me. Another minute, my mind acknowledges the reality, but tries to fit it into a puzzle, like this was supposed to happen; some natural endpoint to a series of events that preceded it. Or it's just a temporary challenge to be overcome if I can fit the pieces together.

It really happened, it can't be undone, and there is no reason to it. It was random and it was terrible. I guess that sums up life, for those of us still living it.

At least I have memories that will, one day, bring me happiness. I love you so much, Willow.

Puaj! More PWTIC Publicity

2010-06-16T15:46:00.001-04:00

Oh hey, I forgot to mention that my other blog, Putting Weird Things in Coffee (which is about putting weird things in coffee) has gotten some more publicity.

This brief article appeared in an actual physical newspaper in Argentina called Clarin. Er, Clarín. I guess this is a big deal, because according to Wikipedia, it's Argentina's largest newspaper.

Kinda similar to the Macleans article, except it actually mentions the blog's URL.

By the way, that article is the result of like 3 pages of questions and answers.

For an article that actually used my brilliant Q&A skills, check out City Pages' article on Putting Carr Valley Cheese in Coffee. Monica, the reporter who interviewed yours truly, actually sent me the cheese to try, which I appreciate so much. The results of the cheese experiments are being rolled out on PWTIC itself.

Also, I'm trying to figure out how to pronounce PWTIC. Since it is spelled similar to "pwned", which is pronounced like "boned" with a P (or just "owned" if you're a snobby leetspeak purist), I figure PWTIC is said like "po-tick". "Pwuh-tick" is kinda funnier though. I dunno.

A Kinect by Any Other Name

2010-06-14T14:32:00.003-04:00

One of my best friends just had a daughter. She went through her first few days of life without a name; just this generic mini-person with nothing to refer to her as. She now has a lovely name, but I can understand the difficulty in coming up with one that will serve her well for the rest of her life. One piece of advice I heard was that "she'll grow into her name."

This doesn't only apply to people.

Microsoft bizarrely unveiled the name of its new camera accessory: Kinect¹. HEY I GET IT. It's "connect" but also kinda-not-really looks like "kinetic." That probably sounded really good to a committee of Microsoft suits, on paper, but it comes out sounding like a spelling-impaired teenager's AOL username circa 1995.

But let's not forget the name of the system the Kinect was designed to compete against: the Wii. We laughed when that was announced, oh how we laughed (ok, I still laugh whenever someone says "play with my Wii"), but it's become accepted. Naming it the Wii wasn't the huge mistake that some people predicted it would be.

Similarly, #itampon was a trending topic on Twitter the day Apple announced the iPad. Now, it's lusted after without a second thought.

It's funny how arbitrary names really are. We give them a lot of thought before they're created, but after that, even the dumbest names are grown into. Then again, I may be biased, as a guy who goes by "Phronk."

¹ BTW, I'm watching the Microsoft media briefing on the Kinect right now, and it looks pretty amazing. Controlling everything (not just games) with just your body and voice is pretty futuristic shit. Soon Minority Report will look quaint.

Er... "Kinect tracks your skeleton as you move." Maybe it'll be creepy HAL futuristic, too.

Ok this tiger fondling simulation is creepy too.

Enough live-blogging.

Edit 3:24 pm: Oops I forgot that the whole reason I started posting this was to lead up to showing you this awesomely-named hot sauce my parents gifted to me yesterday:

OOPS SORRY I MEAN MY PARENTS AND WONDERFUL SISTER.

Halifax Reducks: Great Graves

2010-06-08T11:34:00.000-04:00

Remember last time I was in Halifax and I witnessed the surreal scene of a girl in a prom dress torturing some freakish bird creature? Well, I caught up with said bird creature when I returned recently. This time we were with a dog¹, and apparently the thing learned to fight back. It must have felt threatened, seeing a less useless animal, and fucking came at our fucking faces, hissing. That's scary enough when you know what you're dealing with.

On the up side, the freak bird found itself an equally freakish mate.

But who cares about things that are alive? I find graveyards fascinating. A gravestone is the only semi-permanent visible relic that remains in proximity to these bodies we inhabit our whole lives. The textual messages on them have to be meaningful yet brief; they're like everyone's final Twitter update.

Despite dying so long ago, Smardon's grave is in perfect shape. I love the faux raw rock slab and the crooked cross. And his final message—"God alone understands"—is intriguingly cryptic. I see so many possibilities in that message and the dates that his family died. I like to think he was a hitman.

Alexander Keith's original grave is nothing special:

But beside it is something a little more extravagant:

We take beer seriously around here.

Others keep it simple:

Although having them side by side gives them some meaning, no?

Just having a funny name can leave an impressive final message:

wheres mario lol

That's just unfortunate.

Some people put emphasis on the wrong words:

lawl

But aside from all the hilarity, there is heartbreak to be found in graveyards:

This creeped me out:

And this:

I found the graves of the ~~survivors~~ victims of the Titanic disaster to be particularly emotional. It was unsettling to see rows after rows of graves, all with the same date on them, most of them too young to die.

Many don't have names.

It's touching that someone cared enough to leave flowers here:

Unfortunately, disaster victims aren't immune to funny names:

Perhaps it's tactless to make fun of dead people. I mean no disrespect; if they were alive, I hope I could laugh with them, not at them. But they are dead, and thus unable to experience either joy or offense. If it's okay to find humour in living people with funny names, it's even more okay to do so with the dead.

RIP.

¹ This dog:

Search Terms Used to Find Phronk.com, Volume 8

2010-06-06T11:59:00.001-04:00

Here is how people got here:

how to be interesting to talk to
real pictures of zombies
picture of man in a turtle shell
freak trevor out

i'm scared of internet dating
various fucking types
old people fucking & sucking
midgetsluts
dominican hookers in punta cana
self indulgence attractions in london
western university devito porn

i never used to fart but now
why cant i keep things out of my mouth
roll up the rim win blow job
volume of a oreo
mcgriddle plural
accident, cakes
parapsychology microwaves

Tweeting With the Stars, Volume 5: Deepak Chopra, Volume 2

2010-06-03T14:58:00.000-04:00

This is hardly worth mentioning, since me and Deepak are already good buddies, but I thought this exchange was interesting.

A few days ago, Deepak tweeted:

To which I replied:

And he replied:

Which is still mostly meaningless (as usual), but at least he admitted his mistake.

I was somewhat kind to Chopra in my last post about him. But after following him on Twitter for a while and seeing him getting clobbered in debates with smart people, I've come to the conclusion that he is either deliberately misleading people, or just really clueless and deluded. In either case, he shouldn't be getting rich by taking buttloads of money from people.

So I'm glad I could COMPLETELY SCHOOL HIM ON TWITTER. EAT IT CHOPRA.

Book Review: World War Z, by Max Brooks

2010-06-02T09:59:00.001-04:00

World War Z was not what I expected. Brooks' previous effort was The Zombie Survival Guide, and I thought World War Z would be his attempt at a straight-forward zombie novel. That is not the case.

The book can be considered a collection of very short stories that take place in the same world (which happens to become overrun with zombies). They are in rough chronological order, so an overall timeline develops, but characters only rarely appear in more than one chapter.

The amount of detail, breadth, and creativity in these tales is incredible. Brooks is well aware that no segment of society is safe in a worldwide zombie apocalypse. Stories cover everyone from Paris Hilton and her chihuahua to the K9 units in the military to the soldiers who specialize in fighting zombies under water.

Each chapter is great as a standalone story, and that's both the book's greatest strength and its greatest weakness. Just as you're getting into a situation, the chapter ends. There's something to be said for leaving the reader wanting more, but when there is no more, it can be frustrating. Many of the ideas here are so damn good they could have been expanded into full novels of their own, and sometimes I wish they were.

Still, bite-sized giblets of zombie goodness are better than nothing. World War Z is essential reading for anyone who loves the living dead as much as they should.

Sweet Potato Lobster Poutine

2010-05-29T11:29:00.001-04:00

I love poutine. My phone's wallpaper has long been a picture of poutine that I took in Montreal. I keep it there because it frequently reminds me of the happiest time of my life.

Thus, I was excited to hear the news that a Smoke's Poutinerie is opening here in London on May 31. When this news broke a few days ago, I immediately entered a poutine trance, obsessed with the idea of gravy and cheese on fried potatoes. So I searched my apartment for anything resembling it.

What I found was: sweet potato fries, cheese, and a whole lobster.

So I cooked up the fries, I grated some cheese, I pried the meat out of the lobster, then I made lobster gravy ~~by squeezing the lobster until gravy came out~~ with butter, flour, lobster, and spices.

I smothered the fries with the gravy, then topped it with cheese and lobster. It looked like this:

I am not ashamed to admit that this was some of the best "poutine" I ever had. It was very rich and filling, though, and I didn't feel like eating for like 24 hours afterward.

Fortunately, my appetite for poutine is back. See you at Smoke's on the Monday.

Experimenting With Google Wave

2010-05-27T14:24:00.003-04:00

Brian Frank recently wrote a post about the possibilities of Google Wave. Seems like nobody really got into Wave, but it does have massive potential. Brian suggests having the same wave embedded in different blogs, to serve as a sort of shared comment section for related posts. Well, let's see how this works. Here is Brian's post and the real-time discussion following it, embedded in a wave. Join in.