Novels


Stars and Other Monsters (2014)

Stan Lightfoot is the perfect paparazzo. He and his talented canine companion can track down anybody, anywhere. He’s on the hunt, and with the next flash of his camera, Stan could ruin a celebrity’s life and become a millionaire. His work has gone unappreciated by everything from beefy bodyguards to vicious Chihuahuas, but this time he’s interrupted by something new: a vampire.

When she sees what Stan is up to, the fanged woman demands his help in introducing her to her celebrity crush. It’s an offer he can’t refuse: Stan has to deliver the world’s biggest movie star on a non-silver platter, or find himself on the menu instead. He’s forced on a twisted road trip through nightmare America, and his new companion doesn’t mind driving through the night.

Stan only has a few days to figure out this perplexing woman with a monstrous hunger for blood and an all-too-human obsession with fame. Her power seems god-like, but he’s been in tough situations before. Maybe he can at least save his dog. The bigger issue is that to the perfect paparazzo, a star who doesn’t want to be found is as dangerous as any monster.

Stars and Other Monsters was birthed into this world on Friday the 13th, 2014, the night of a full moon. That makes it special and desirable. You can get it in a bunch of places:




  • Stars and Other Monsters for Kindle (US).
  • Stars and Other Monsters for Kindle (Canada).
  • Stars and Other Monsters Special Print Edition.
  • Accost me in person and I may have a copy for you.


  • Also add it on Goodreads, and it has its own site at FuckVampires.com





    Baboon Fart Story (2014)

    In a blog post by author Chuck Wendig, he addressed the truism that self publishing is the only real choice for authors today:
    “[...] self-publishing is like getting to jump right onto your flight and go wherever you want to go, and traditional publishing means submitting to an invasive colonic cavity search before you’re even allowed near the gate.This is true-ish, in that I can literally write the word ‘fart’ 100,000 times and slap a cover of [a] baboon urinating into his own mouth, then upload that cool motherfucker right to Amazon. Nobody would stop me. Whereas, at the Kept Gates, a dozen editors and agents would slap my Baboon Fart Story to the ground like an errant badminton birdie.”
    Should we just take Chuck’s word for it? Of course not. His hypothesis, like any other, needs to be put to the test. Could I get onto virtual store shelves via Chuck’s described method? Can one simply walk into self-publishing like a fucking hobbit?

    Baboon Fart Story is the word “fart” written 100 000 times. People literally bought a book of 200 pages with "fart" written over and over. There is a picture of a baboon drinking piss on the cover for some reason, but other than that, it's a whole lot of the word "fart."

    It's also a biting critique of quality control in self-publishing or something.

    After its publication to Kindle Direct Publishing, BFS immediately became a bestseller. Yes, seriously. The success was too much for some people, however, and the book was banned as an e-book from Amazon. You can still buy a paper copy of Baboon Fart Story on Amazon, or donate to charity and get an electronic version on Chuck Wendig's blog.

    Read more about Baboon Fart Story and the ridiculous amount of praise and derision it received:



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