Sunday, May 21, 2006

Story Time

In celebration of the release of The Da Vinci Code, I am re-releasing an updated version of my tangentially related masterpiece, the story formerly known as "Smart", now with a new title (see below). Although controversial and not recieved well by critics upon its original release, this newly updated version of the blook (blog book) may have better luck finding its audience. It is a harrowing tale with lots of monsters, explosions, and manufacturing facilities.

The blook is pasted in its entirety below. You can also find it here for easier printing and permanent linkage.

Be one of the first to read this soon-to-be classic. When I'm famous and outselling Dan Brown, you can say "hey, I knew that guy when he was significantly less talented", and feel good about yourself.


Brains vs. Brawn: The Rise and Fall of an American Legend

Chapter 1: Sasquatch Attacks!

My girlfriend and I went to look at cars to buy yesterday. I find all cars absolutely boring...they all look basically the same, and I don't give a shit if one goes slightly faster than the other, because I drive cars in a city, not a race course. 140 kph is good enough, and every car can do that. I also hate that driving a car unnecessarily pollutes the environment. Parking sucks too.

However, there is one car which is just different enough from other cars to make me like it a bit more. It's called the smart car. It is small and enviornmentally friendly and weird looking.

So we went to look at one. Luckily, there is a Mercedes dealership right here in London, Ontario. The car salesman came to greet us, and although he was friendly, there was something shifty about his eyes. After talking about options and pricing, he offered to take me on a test drive. "But first," he said, "I have to go take care of some business."

I got in the passenger seat, and he told me to put on my seatbelt. We drove for a while, and before I realized where we were going, we were in a pretty bad part of town. I was about to ask him what was going on, when there was a crash behind us.

I looked back, and saw that a large truck had just rear-ended us. And you'll never guess who was driving the truck. It was Bigfoot!

The car salesman told me to relax, then did a sudden U-turn. He explained to me that the smart car was small and maneuverable, and very fun to drive. He also showed me the power windows, as he clicked his window down and pulled a gun from under the seat.

He began to accelerate and fire at Bigfoot's truck at the same time. He told me to take the wheel, so I did, and I noticed that it was indeed pretty fun to drive.

We passed Bigfoot, and he turned around to follow us. The salesman took the wheel back, and turned down a side street. He began accelerating toward what looked like a dead end, with a narrow alleyway blocking our way. I screamed, thinking we would hit a wall, but the car was so small that it managed to fit into the alley. "Imagine how easy it is to park" said the salesman, and I laughed.

There was an explosion behind us as Bigfoot tried to follow us into the alley with his large truck (one of those flashy trucks with giant wheels; not sure what they're called). Too large to fit, the truck smashed into the walls of the alley. The salesman slammed on the brakes, and I looked back to see an orange ball of flame where the truck used to be. The salesman fired a few shots into the windshield, just to make sure.

As fiery bits of metal, glass and fur rained down upon us, I realized that the smart car is really great, and I'd probably like to buy one.

So yeah, that was a pretty fun day I guess.

Chapter 2: Purchasing Power

After the exciting test drive, we decided that we're going to go for it and buy the car, despite the fact that we will now be completely broke. I'm talking about stealing free food from the grocery store and conferences at the university, then bringing it home to eat in the dark, because we can't afford electricity, broke.

In any case, we went back to the dealership to sign the forms and order our car. Since we wouldn't be quite broke enough after buying the basic model, we decided to spend a bit more and get the "passion" (i.e. pretty and luxurious) model. It will be black and silver and built just the way we want it. Nice.

However, just as we were about to sign the order form, we heard a shattering sound from the front of the dealership. I grabbed V and hit the floor just in time to avoid being hit by a flying smart car which had just crashed through the front window. It rolled a few times, destroying several million-dollar Mercedes. Immediately, every car salesman pulled out guns from under their sharp suits and began firing at the window. At first I couldn't see what they were firing at, but as the dust settled I saw a dark shape standing there. It was Bigfoot again! He was alive!

I could see that Bigfoot was still smoking from our last encounter, but appeared to be fine. He swatted away bullets like flies, and leaped into the dealership. He picked up another smart car from the show floor and bit off a side mirror with his teeth, before crushing it between his hands like a tin can. He was about to smash another car, when there were sirens in the distance. Bigfoot paused, listening, then leaped back out the window and disappeared.

I turned to the salesman, who was already cleaning his shotgun and appeared completely calm. "Don't worry about that, happens all the time", he said, and slid the forms toward us. I asked him what the hell was going on, but he said that was a story for another time. I sighed, then signed away $250 for the deposite. Damn, $250. That's messed up.

Anyway, here is what our car will look like:

Chapter 3: Taco Hell

So, our car has finally arrived. We went to pick it up on Friday after waiting four months for it (it was custom ordered). We are already broke, eating stale dirt for dinner.

However, it is a beautiful little car. I will post some pictures here when I have some.

After bringing it home, I realized that I now have the freedom to go wherever I want. I'm no longer at the mercy of bus routes and going to places that both me and V want to go. I can get up at any time and drive wherever the hell I want.

So where was the first place I went? Taco Bell. V hates Taco Bell, so I haven't been there in years and years.

I arrived and picked up the new Crunch Wrap supreme. As I got my funky new smart keychain out of my pocket and prepared to leave, there was an explosion at the front of the store! It was friggin Bigfoot again! Only this time he had brought along his army of undead kangaroos with him.

Experts in explosives, the kangaroos hopped through the new hole in Taco Bell's wall, throwing joeys full of napalm at me.

I dodged with expert skill and grabbed some hot sauce packets. I began squirting them, aiming for the eyes. A few went down, clawing at their burning sockets, but more hopped in to take their place. Taco Bell employees were burning alive, but to my surprise, the surviving employees were putting their fallen comrades into meat grinders and making tacos out of them. I knew it!

I reasoned that the only way to get out of this alive would be to take out their leader: Bigfoot himself. I crawled under the counter and picked up a bucket of concentrated Pepsi. While tasty in small doses, I knew that it was horribly toxic when consumed in its raw form. Using my ninja powers to turn invisible, I snuck up behind Bigfoot and poured an entire tub of raw Pepsi into his mouth.

Bigfoot's eyes bulged out of his head. His mouth began to foam. I took advantage of the momentary distraction and made a run for the border. With his last breath, Bigfoot said: "I shall get you next time! You and that environmentally friendly fuel efficient car!"

There are three things which are certain in life: death, taxes, and the fact that Bigfoot hates nature.

I sped home, using hardly any fuel, and finally got a chance to relax. I ate my Crunch Wrap supreme, knowing that I deserved a reward for a job well done. Bigfoot's plan to destroy all of nature had failed...I had finally killed Bigfoot.

OR HAD I?!?!?!!!!1?!

Chapter 4: Why Opposites Attract

I woke up this morning to find that the city had moved into the season of fall. I swear I could see my breath in my bedroom. I looked out the window; no snow yet. However, my ninja senses picked up danger. I looked out over Western road, and saw a large truck/SUV/tank thing speeding down it. In the back was a blanket covering a large mass. A brown patch of fur sticking out told me that it was Bigfoot. Had he survived? Or was somebody carting the body around?

Then I noticed who was driving the truck. As I suspected all along, it was Dracula. Who else could have created those undead kangaroos for Bigfoot?

Let's compare Dracula and Bigfoot for a second. Dracula can be killed with a stake through the heart or direct sunlight, while Bigfoot is at his strongest during the day, and has a heart made out of pure steel. Bigfoot can run faster than a cheetah on the ground, but Dracula can turn into a bat and fly at supersonic speeds. Dracula is polite, charismatic and charming, while Bigfoot doesn't even wash his hands after going to the bathroom. Dracula is also repelled by garlic. Well let me tell you something about Bigfoot...he loves garlic. Bigfoot once killed every man, woman and child at a garlic factory just to steal a few cloves of the stuff.

So, it would appear that the two monsters are complete opposites. Why would they be hanging out together? Well you see, one's strengths make up for the other's weaknesses. If Bigfoot and Dracula wanted to infiltrate a wooden stake factory, then Dracula could charm the armed guards into letting Bigfoot inside, who could then go inside and destroy the stakes without fear of poking himself. They are the perfect pair.

Things looked worse than ever. I chose not to pursue the truck...they were close enough to finding where I live without me giving it away. I prayed that Bigfoot was dead, being driven to a funeral by his undead friend. Somehow, though, I doubted it.

Chapter 5: The Case of the Harmful Halitosis

Today, I went out to drop off some movies (Fantastic Four and Mr & Mrs Smith...both OK but not great movies). On the way home, I noticed a wonderous sight at the corner of Oxford and Wonderland. There was a castle there which had not been there the day before. I pondered this for a moment, then came to a startling realization: Dracula had moved into the neighbourhood. It's the way vampires work, you see; they move from place to place, using their magic vampire bricklaying powers to instantly make comfortable castles to live in. If you drive by that intersection, you probably won't see it though. Only those who have been trained in the way of the ninja have eyes capable of seeing these castles.

I activated the smart car's stealth capabilities and pulled into the driveway, hoping to find some clues as to Dracula and Bigfoot's plans. I sifted through the garbage can and found some documents referring to an evil plot to put rotten meat in all new smart cars, making them reek of decay instead of new-car-smell. What bastards! They needed to be stopped...but how?

As I was about to leave, the door to the castle opened. Bigfoot came out, wearing a bath robe and slippers. God damn, he was alive after all. As he bent down to get the mail from the doorstep, a hand shot out of the doorway and pinched Bigfoot's ass. Dracula stepped out, giggling, and the two monsters locked lips in a furry embrace. I had a feeling they were more than friends. I drove off, instantly aware of what needed to be done.

I prepared a lovely gift basket full of garlic. I put a pretty bow on it, and addressed it to Bigfoot. Love, Dracula.

I disguised myself as a delivery man, then returned to the castle and rang the doorbell. Luckily, it was Bigfoot who answered. As we all know, Bigfoot loves garlic, and as soon as he saw the basket and read the card on it, he ate the whole thing in one mighty bite. I watched as he turned around, a big smile on his face, and called for Dracula.
The vampire ran into the room. He smelled the garlic and recoiled, but Bigfoot was overcome with gratitude. Bigfoot ran to Dracula, picked him up in one massive hand, then kissed him on the forehead, kissed him on the ears, kissed him on the nose, and finally, kissed him on the mouth. By the time he realized what he had done, it was too late. Dracula's face was melting off, burned by Bigfoot's garlic infused slobber.

Bigfoot's cry of anguish sent a cloud of garlic-laced breath across Dracula, finishing him off. I fled the castle as Dracula was reduced to a pile of dust, not wanting to be there when Bigfoot's rage was unleashed.

One down, one to go.

Chapter 6: The End of the Road

Lately, the #1 question asked about our smart car is "how does it handle in the snow?" The answer is "the same as any other car, dumbass." I really found out how good it handled earlier today, when I got into a bit of a slippery situation. Let me tell you about it.

After my last encounter with Bigfoot, I studied the documents recovered from his trash. I deduced that his plan was to strike the Mercedes factory in Europe at midnight on the night of the winter solstice, hiding raw meat in every car coming off the line. Although Dracula was out of the picture, I had no doubt that Bigfoot would attempt to carry out the plan in his memory. So I activated the smart car's jet capabilities and flew to Europe, determined to stop the plan from ever reaching fruition.

I came upon the factory in the dead of night. It was cold and blizzardy out, and I could feel my snot freeze as I got out of the car and watched the factory through some binoculars. All seemed normal, until a set of headlights suddenly shone right behind me! I pulled out my bow and arrow, ready to fire, but it was not Bigfoot who got out of the car. In the darkness, I first thought it was William Shatner who stood before me. However, as he drew closer, I saw that it was only Tom Hanks.

"Tom!" I said, "what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to promote my new movie, The Da Vinci Code, which features an exciting smart car chase in it. I heard about Sasquatch's plan, and I thought that stopping it would be good publicity."

"Interesting, Tom," said I, "but I see no reporters or cameras. How will the public know about this act of heroism?"

"I knew that you would be writing about this on your world-famous blog," said Tom flatteringly.

Before I could ask any more questions, there was a commotion at the factory. I looked through my binoculars just in time to see a flash of fur dart into the main doors. Two dead guards lay on the snowy ground. I immediately turned around to chase Bigfoot, but Tom stopped me. "Do you really think that's 'Smart'? Going after the mighty Sasquatch with only a bow and arrow?" he said. I knew he was right, and almost began to weep with despair. But then Tom placed an object in my hand. "This is no ordinary gun," he explained, "this gun shoots TIME BULLETS. They will transport anything they hit to another time!"

I smiled, and gave Tom a nod of thanks. I charged into the factory, a bow in one hand and the time gun in the other. I followed a trail of dead bodies to Bigfoot, who was standing at the end of the assembly line with a bag of raw meat. I became even more angry when I noticed that it was kitten meat. Bastard! I fired the bow rapidly with one hand, using the ancient ninja techniques of drawing the string with my teeth, but it was no surprise that the arrows bounced right off of Bigfoot's tough hide.

He looked at me, fire in his eyes. "You are the individual who has injured me grievously, and murdered my beloved husband" he roared with fury. "Have at you!"

The monster threw several half-completed smart cars at me, but I managed to shoot them out of the air with the bow. Bigfoot roared again, and charged straight at me. I took steady aim with the time gun, then fired. Unfortunately, the time bullet only struck his left leg. The leg was transported back in time with a flash of light.

I later read a history book describing the story of a poor family who, during the Great Depression, prayed to God for food, any food. A large hairy leg then appeared on their kitchen table. The family ate it, but described it as "stringy", and later became atheists.

Anyway, before I could reload and fire again, Bigfoot managed to get into one of the cars coming off of the line. He wouldn't have fit into it, had his left leg not been missing. Damn! He drove off at top speed as I got into another smart, giving chase.

As I drove away, I saw Tom Hanks outside. Bigfoot's army of undead kangaroos had arrived, and Tom was fighting them off with a box of grenades. "Life is like a box of chocolates" he said, "you never know what the hell you're gonna get!" Tom then pulled a handful of grenades out of the box and tossed them at the kangaroos, laughing maniacally the whole time.

Knowing Tom could take care of himself, I drove past. I chased Bigfoot for what seemed like hours, maneuvering down the twisting and narrow European roads. The car handled surprisingly well in the snow, though I slipped around a little bit. I think I'll get snow tires for my own car. Finally, Bigfoot took a turn a bit too fast and crashed into a lightpost. The car exploded on impact, since lightposts in Europe use volatile gases as power. Bigfoot got out of the car, his fur on fire.

The monster has survived my attacks before, so I knew that I really had to finish him off this time. I stepped on the gas and aimed the car toward him. I made sure the time gun was on the seat beside me, then activated the smart car's self destruct feature. The car struck Bigfoot, catching him on the roof, and I immediately jumped out of the car door, rolling in the snow. The car traveled a few more feet, then exploded. The heat caused all the time bullets in the gun to go off at once, opening a giant portal through time in the middle of the road.

Through the portal, all I could see was bright red light. I immediately knew that it was a portal to the distant future, when the sun has swallowed the earth and life as we know it no longer exists. The shell of the car careened into the portal, carrying Bigfoot right into the center of the sun. I briefly saw the outline of his skeleton before he was completely incinerated.

My mission was complete. I had finally destroyed Bigfoot, the symbol of everything that is wrong with the world. I had a party that night and invited Tom Hanks, but he didn't come.

Too good for me, is he? I might have to kill him next.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed reading about my experiences so far with the smart car. This story has been 100% true. Bye now.


Phronk said...

What the fuck is wrong with you, Phronk?

Anonymous said...

Brilliant...I loved it. It also answers the question that has been puzzling my atheistic family for years...where did that leg come from?!?

Anonymous said...

Not only a Sunday post, but a huge one.

I think the big asset that Tom Hanks has is that he doesn't go around jumping on couches. He's the anti-Tooth.

Anonymous said...

wow that was gay...

Phronk said...

Thanks Spammy and Salem!

And anonymous (from Don Mills Ontario, using Internet Explorer 6.0, and a monitor resolution of 800x600 (isn't it chunky to you?)): Thanks! I'm glad you took 22 minutes to read it!

Also, it's interesting that you're so worried about being sensitive and not insulting people a few posts down, yet you come here and call something "gay". No wonder you want to hide who you are.

sarah said...

sneaky how you called out anonymous. real sneaky... okay, I didn't read it... it's long and I'm a busy lady. I'll come back later and read it. It looks like a masterpiece with all the pictures and words and all... I know you believe I will.

Phronk said...

It's ok, I didn't really expect anyone to read a blog post so long. When I see a long post on someone else's blog, I usually skip it. Or leave a comment that says "Too long. Did not read.", because I think that's hilarious.

It's a shitty story anyway, but that's sorta the point.

sirbarrett said...

Certainly a less average experience with the Smart Car. I'm glad it came in handy. At first I thought it might be more economical for you to shoot Bigfoot with a tranquilizer gun and sell him to some collector (I'm sure you could find them on Craigslist) to be able to afford the car but obviously you have higher morals than that. Thanks for getting rid of everything that is wrong in the world. Now I have nothing to worry about -except that now there won't be any more Dracula movies. I'm going to miss those.

sirbarrett said...

Oh wait. I just realized something. Maybe someone could just make up a Dracula movie and have it be a work of fiction! It would still be entertaining even if it wasn't true!

Phronk said...

Yeah...maybe...but I usually only enjoy stories if they're true. Like, I hear that in most vampire movies, they don't even use real vampires! Like, what the hell? The only exception is Nosferatu, which is a fictional story with a real vampire. See the documentary "Shadow of the Vampire" for the true story behind Nosferatu.