Television Sucks

I watched the first half-hour of the new TV show "Blade: The Series" last night. While it did "suck" (hahahahaha), it had some surprisingly good action and special effects for a TV show. But what really impressed me was when it showed someone doing research on a computer, it actually resembled someone doing research on a computer.

Usually, in TV or movies, someone logs onto a computer which runs neither Windows nor OSX, types something like "find information" into the text box which appears in the middle of the screen, and then the exact information they were looking for pops up and fills the entire screen. Everyone knows how to use a computer nowadays, but as soon as they put one into a TV show, it becomes this bizarre fantasy computer that has no operating system, no mouse, and works perfectly every time.

In Blade, the person went to Google Images, typed in a term related to what they were looking for, clicked on one result, got a "Page Not Found" error, then finally clicked on one that was relevant. It looked exactly like what a real person would do on a real computer. Good for you, Blade creators. Now work on making the people in the show seem as real as the computers.

Here is a crappy drawing of Blade rapi fighting Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No, thankfully, I'm not the "artist" who drew it.

I also saw Canada's Next Top Model last night. More like Canada's Next Top MONSTER (muahahahahah I'm so witty today). Canada has the most beautiful women in the world, and these are the best they could come up with? I've seen prettier things come out of my ass

Oink

I just thought of something. If one were to go on a diet (er, sorry, "make a lifestyle change") in order to lose weight, it would have have beneficial effects apart from the loss of weight. I'm not talking about raising self esteem and feeling good, I'm talking about money. If one eats less, then one is spending less money on food. Then one can spend that money on such life-enriching things such as bocce ball (which leads to more exercise), booze (light beer, which causes more weight loss), and pornography (which leads to more exercise). So losing weight isn't just good for your body, it's good for your wallet.

I bring this up because lately I've been pretty intent on working out regularly. Yesterday, I tried increasing the weight on my crappy 10-year-old dumbells, but found that I didn't have enough weights to do so. I would have been proud of myself for reaching this limit, but then I realized this meant that I need to go out and buy better weights. I want those cool ones you see in commericals, where you turn a knob and pull it out and it's at the weight you want. But I have no money! Solution? Starve myself.

Of course, I see the flaw in this reasoning. Healthy food is more expensive than artery-clogging food. You can buy a 5-pound burger from a fast food place for $3.00, but 1 pound of organic tofu meat product will cost you $10.00. Approximately. This leaves me, then, with Dr. Phronk's Ultimate Weight Loss Solution: One must eat cheap burgers until one can afford weights, then one must use those weights to lose the blobs of fat added by said burgers. Whenever one needs a new exercise machine (or surgery to remove the gross stretched skin that this Solution results in), one repeats the process.

It's perfect. I should write a book on this.

The Day of Rockening

I have discovered my new favourite band. They're called Lordi, and they rock harder than any band has rocked before. The band is from Finland, which they represented in an international battle of the bands called the Euro-Vision Song Contest. Obviously they won, and were honoured by the president of Finland herself (who looks like Conan O'Brien).

Check out some of this critically acclaimed band's work below. The first one is what won them the contest, but all the videos will rock your ass.





Hell yeah. Evil Dead rules.




He's my bitch too.

And this last one shows their sensitive side:



Yes. The arockalypse is upon us. We can finally live the Monsterican dream. Thank you, Lordi.

Misc.

I probably won't be writing much on the old blog this week. I want to start working hardcore on my thesis and get it done quickly enough that I'm able to take some time off this summer.

I might have to blog though, to keep from going insane. I find it hard to exclusively write scientific papers. There is not enough creativity and humour (somewhat ironic, given I am currently writing about creativity) in them. In my thesis, I tried writing stuff about zombies and eating brains, but my advisor wrote a note saying "I'd remove this paragraph" on it. Bummer. Well, in a few short years, when I'm Doctor Phronk and calling all the shots, I'll infuse zombies into every paper I write and nobody can stop me. If journal editors don't like it, I can publish my genius contributions to science elsewhere.

Here is one thing I learned today while writing about technology in my thesis: You should not capitalize internet (i.e. write it as "Internet"). Here is why it is dumb. This probably applies to many other words that people capitalize for no Good reason.

Oh and I saw Nacho Libre on Friday. A good movie, but not on the same level as Napoleon Dynamite. Worth seeing if you like that kind of humour though, and if you like Jack Black. Personally I can't wait for the Tenacious D movie.

Anyway, that's it. Sorry for the boring pictureless post.

One Hundred Original Ideas for Horror Movies (#12 - 16)

See #1 to #5 for the first 5 and an explanation, then #6 to #10 for more. #11 is a secret hidden bonus.

Today's ideas revolve around a central theme: Superstition.

• 12. Playoff Beard: A hockey player forgets to shave his playoff beard after winning the Stanley Cup, and discovers that he continues to have good luck. He never gets red lights, there is a bank error in his favor (collect $200), and he continues to win every hockey game. A rival team attempts to break into his house at night to shave his rapidly growing beard, but, as luck would have it, there is a terrible storm that night and the entire team is struck by lightning. A few years later, his beard is 10 feet long. It's starting to get really itchy, so he shaves just a few hairs off. His luck runs out; the next night, he rolls over the wrong way and is strangled to death by his own beard.
  
  
  
  
• 13. Pants on Fire: A government experiment gone horribly wrong causes everyone on earth to burst into flames whenever they tell a lie. We discover that even the most mundane human interactions often involve lying to some extent. At first, people learn to be brutally honest at all times, but this leads to conflicts both small (Girlfriend: "does this make me look fat?") and large (World leader: "Was that war really about terrorism?"). Eventually, people stop communicating altogether. With the lack of communication, nobody even notices when the problem suddenly goes away. Think "Liar Liar", except on a grander scale and with more burning flesh.
  
  
• 14. Bless You: Satan decides to start stealing peoples' souls...but he can only do it when they sneeze. The only way to prevent your soul from leaving your body (with such force that it rips your head off in the process) is to have someone else say "bless you" within seconds of the sneeze. Many tense moments ensue, with lots of "aahhhhh.... ahhhhh.... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.. ...... .....CHOO!" scenes. People need to stay in groups all the time, constantly ready to say the words if someone in the group sneezes. It's a heartwarming story of love and triumph over evil. Until Satan releases Bird Flu, and there's just too much sneezing to keep up with. Gesundheit!
  
  
• 15. Step on a Crack: And you break your mother's back. Since it's pretty much impossible to avoid stepping on cracks, all the world's moms are paralyzed. Actually...this would just be depressing. Shitty idea.

• 16. Seven Years: A man breaks a mirror and actually gets 7 years of bad luck. Whenever chance is involved, he gets the worst possible result; he gets every red light, there is a bank error and he loses all his money, and he can't even win a game of UNO. He tries to use this to his advantage by going to the track and betting on every horse but one, knowing the one he doesn't bet on will win. He gets a friend to place a huge bet on that horse. But bad luck finds a way. A gust of wind sweeps the friend's ticket out of her hand, and happens to blow it right under the foot of the horse whose name is printed on it, just as it crosses the finish line in first place. The ticket is destroyed, and so is the man. He locks himself in a shack in the woods to shut himself off from the outside world for seven years. His luck returns, however, when he stops shaving and grows a wonderous playoff beard.
  
  Lesson of the day: Beards make the world go 'round.

Blog Roll Update

I updated my "blog roll" in the sidebar to the right. They're now in alphabetical order, starting with P (why should A's always go first?). I added a bunch of people, but I'm sure I missed some. If we've had mutual blog loving and you're not there, be sure to let me know.

And if you see any names there that you don't recognize, make sure you click and check them out. I wouldn't put them there if they didn't kick a whole lot of ass.

How to Protect Your Carotid Artery

Check out this story. Summary:

A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

Sorry to bring up religion once again, but this is just hilarious (well, less so for the family of the guy, but even they probably had a few guffaws). Apparently the lion went right for him as soon as he went into the enclosure thinking God would protect him.

Now, is this proof that God does not exist, or does it just show that He hates stupid people? And that He has the ability commandeer the free will of lions in order to maul his enemies.

Or maybe this guy just prayed to the wrong god. There are thousands of gods out there, and most of them get pissed when you pray to a competing god. Maybe he got to the afterlife and met some eight-legged giraffe with the head of a rhino, who said "Hi, I'm The One True God. Sorry, but none of you humans figured out that I'm the right god to worship, so I have to kill you all in creative ways and send you to hell for all eternity. I was trying out something new with you. How'd it feel?"

Speaking of animals, HERE is Samuel L. Jackson talking about how awesome Snakes on a Plane will be. Kickass.

P.S. Is "all eternity" redundant?

Food Logic

Premise 1: Shrimp goes good with coconut.
Premise 2: Coconut goes good with chocolate.

Conclusion: Shrimp goes good with chocolate.

Evil

Some of you might think I'm evil based on the last few posts. Well, here is scientific proof that I am, in fact, less than 50% evil:

You Are 44% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

(Thanks Shora for the link)

6/6/6 - 2

Here is the second of two wonderful posts today, in celebration of it being 6/6/06.

Lately, I've been somewhat addicted to debating with ultra-fundamentalist religious people on their blogs (and mine). There are just so many gaping holes in their positions that it's hard not to rip them open wider. Plus some of them are downright evil, and I can't keep my mouth shut when I see people writing such morally corrupt things.

It has led to some hilarious conversations, though. Here is one of my favourites. It started when I pointed out that the Bible says that rabbits chew their cud, when they really don't (showing that the Bible is not the infallible word of God). Then a fellow named Tyler brought up this quote:

"Lagomorphs are herbivores that practice coprophagy, the re-ingestion of fecal droppings. [...] These pellets, rich in protein and B vitamins, are re-ingested directly from the anus."

Then I replied with this harsh response:

"The passage said "cheweth his own cud"...even the most generous interpretation would not allow that to be meant as "sucketh up his own shit backeth into his ass". I don't chew with my ass. Do you chew with your ass?"

Because I thought "re-ingested directly from the anus" meant the rabbit sucked it up, directly, with its anus. It actually meant that it eats the poo directly from the anus, with its mouth. Silly me. Too bad, though, because sucking up poo back into its bum would be pretty hilarious. As Sarah said:

"...so wait, do rabbits take their poo after they pooed it and then chew it up in their bums, or what? I can't help but giggle at the image of a rabbit looking behind himself to sit back down on his own poo. What kind of twisted God do we have that would create such a thing?"

In any case, eating poo is different than chewing cud, and the Bible was wrong. Plus, that's just one example. The Bible clearly contradicts itself in several areas, proving that it is not the literal, infallible, word of God.

Here's just one example:

MAT 1:16 And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.

LUK 3:23 And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli.

So? Who begat Joseph? Jacob or Heli?

And that's just an internal inconsistency. There are also the things that are inconsistent with reality...one big one is the Bible saying the earth is flat (though it can't seem to decide on a shape), and that bats are birds. (more fun problems here)


Satan tempts Jesus (click the pic!)

I'm not bashing the Bible here. What I am bashing is people who take the Bible literally, thinking it is 100% true and using it to guide their entire lives. While the Bible may have some good lessons, it also has some very bad lessons, and some factual errors. Ultimately, we must all use our own brains to make our own decisions about what's good and true, and what's not. If a god created us, then s/he must have given us brains for a reason. Misusing them would be a sin.

6/6/6 - 1

Happy 6/6/2006! If you ignore the "2000" part of the year, it's 666, the number of The Beast (i.e. the Antichrist). Fun times!



Now let's talk about Satanism. Most people think Satanists worship Satan. A logical assumption, given the name, but not entirely true. Modern Satanists, that is, those in the Church of Satan, only use Satan as a symbolic term for certain values. They don't believe in a magic entity named Satan. Wikipedia has nice entry on the topic.



I've read most of the Satanic Bible. It got repetitive and preachy so I got bored, but what I read actually made a lot of sense. They're not complete psychopaths or anything. Basically, it's all about selfishness. All power is in the self. I could almost get behind a church like that...except then they take it too far. They advocate using weaker people for one's own needs, and performing silly occult rituals. This backs up one of my most cherished beliefs: Being extreme is bad. Nothing should be 100%. Don't be 100% sure of anything, don't be 100% selfish, don't be 100% altruistic, don't put 100% of your faith into any one thing, etc. No matter what you believe about the origin and nature of the universe, be moderate about it, and you'll probably be OK.



I have another post coming up too, because I'm just full of Satany goodness today!

Stupid People

Today, V and I, both hungry but too hung over to cook, went to Kelsey's for lunch. While eating, I noticed a bit of a commotion at the front of the restaurant. A group of people were standing at the front window looking out, but I couldn't see what they were looking at.

When I got up to pay the bill (had to go up to the bar to use the debit machine...why don't more places have those wireless machines?), I saw it. A Jeep was parked on the side of a steep grassy hill, mere inches away from a sheer 7-or-8-foot drop onto the parking lot. I asked the waitress about it, and she said that one of the guys at the restaurant had parked it there. He was "not from the area", so he didn't know the drop was there. Some other guys had gone to get some cables to tow him out of the precarious situation (I assume the Jeep was standard, so in the time it took to get from the brake to the gas he could roll over the edge).

I wonder...what area was this guy from, where you look for a parking spot on grassy hills? Do they not have paved roads where he's from? Was his depth-perception broken when he almost drove over the cliff?

During the same trip, I heard a heart-warming story about a person who almost bled to death because she attempted to have anal sex just three days after major hemroid surgery. She said "nobody told her she couldn't".

What happens to some people to make them so stupid? Do we need signs, like the one pictured here, to make sure people use their common sense? Sheesh.

Putting the Pro in Procrastination

I found this fun article about recent research on procrastination.

I think a good suggestion there is that you should do whatever you're supposed to do for 10 minutes, even if you really don't wanna do it. By the time you've been doing it for a while, it will be much easier to keep going and get it done.

I am being quite ironic here, because I am posting this link on my blog in order to procrastinate from writing my thesis. It's gotta be done pretty soon, but it's hard to get going on it with the internet provding so many delicious distractions. Damn, you Internet! I got some done yesterday, though. I've almost got an Intro, Method, and Results...all that's left is the Discussion, where I need to explain what my results actually mean. If anything.

OK, 10 minutes. I can do it.