Monday, January 22, 2007

How to Talk Like an Interesting Person

How to talk like an interesting person:
  • Spell it "porblems," not "problems". Pronounce it like it is spelled.

  • Use the phrase "touch and go" whenever possible. Whenever you are put in the position to describe a situation or state of being, describe it as "touch and go."

  • Spell it "aminals", not "animals." Pronounce it like it is spelled.

  • For commonly mispronounced words, emphasize the part that is commonly said wrong, so that people are aware that you know that it is wrong, but choose to say it wrong anyway. For example, pronounce "orangutan" like "orangutang-GUH!". "Etcetera" should be pronounced "ECK! Cetera."

  • Instead of "figure it out", always say "finger it out." Example: "Yes, that is a major porblem, but we can finger out a solution."

  • If somebody tries to "correct" your spelling or pronunciation, laugh at them as if they have told a very funny joke, then repeat what you just said.

  • Correct other peoples' pronunciation whenever possible. Please do not be mean about it, though. Simply mutter the correct pronunciation under your breath whenever they say it wrong. When you reply, act as if you had trouble understanding them. For example, if asked how many animals you have, lean in close with one ear, squish your face in confusion, and say "What? Aminals? Yes, I have twelve."

  • Misquote funny phrases from movies and television shows in such a way that they are no longer funny. E.g. "Me fail English? That's impossible!"

  • Insist that any word ending in "-ical" is "not a real word." The one exception is "dramatical", which should be used frequently.

  • To indicate that you are leading up to a very important point, begin talking like a robot.


Timmy said...


Jon said...

My wife speaks like this, drives me to murder.

Phronk said...

There are people that actually talk like this?

P.S. Sorry to hear you murdered your wife.