Throw Away. Do Not Eat.

I recently bought Guitar Hero 3 for the 3rd time (the first two had defective guitars...this one seems fine so far). But in addition to a sweet plastic guitar, the box comes with several of these little packets of silica gel, with the stern command on them to throw them away, and not eat them.

I figure that any object that's clearly not food, yet has a warning to not eat it on every package, must have a juicy story behind it. Some kid who ate a whole package and ended up with a burst stomach or something.

But thanks to Google, I now know that the truth is far more dry. The packets are meant to remove moister, so they might make you slightly dehydrated if you eat a few. They are also coated in a substance that could give you cancer if you eat them on a regular basis. Other than that, they're harmless. This guy even created an entire website devoted to his story of when he was really bored and decided to eat one. He turned out extremely lonely and in need of some outside stimulation, but that had nothing to do with eating the silica gel. *

What a disappointment. No burst stomachs, no weird rashes, no murder-by-silica-gel (#42). Just a resounding "it's not a good idea to eat it, but it won't kill you." Oh well, at least you learned something.



* Maybe he should become friends with this guy, who has a full fan site devoted to silica gel (and judging by the site, is a time traveler from 1995).

Return of the Living Commercial People

I've written before about how there are actually only a few people in television commercials, who you see over and over again in dozens of different ads (see Night of the Living Commercial People). I have identified another one of these people.



You probably recognize Natalie Brown as the hot chick from the Baileys Irish Cream commercial. You know, the one where the dude is about to wipe the dribble from the shaft of his Baileys bottle, but decides to dump his load in her mouth instead, but then the asshole beside her catches the dribble in his cup, and she looks all unsatisfied. I think it's a pretty good commercial, because at least the blatant sexuality is actually related to the drink.

Anyway, Brown has shown up in plenty of other commercials (apparently she was "the Heinz ketchup girl", whatever that means, and is in that cheesy Freedom 55 commercial). And like other commercial people, she's gone on to bigger things and now has her own show, Sophie. It's Canadian, so it probably sucks, but still, good luck with that.

More importantly, it's a fact that all commercial people are somehow associated with zombies. Brown is no exception. She was in the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead.

Apparently I'm not the only one who actually pays attention to commercials. Check out Adactors.com, devoted to finding out who these people are. Not surprisingly, inquiries about females outnumber inquiries about males by more than double. There is some entertaining but sad desperation over there. E.g.:

• "whos the chick in the first response pregnancy commercial. she is tasty!"
  
• "who is that girl? i cant find any pictures of her. i love her haircut! i want a picture of it since im debating on cutting my hair again.
  
• "Who is the actress in the blue sweat pants in the Viagra vs. Baseball commercial."
  
• "It's an ad for the new Swiffer cleaner. I really like this girl but don't know her name."

Maybe they think they actually have a chance with these people, since they're not real celebrities.

Now excuse me, I have to go dump some more Baileys in my coffee and hope that some hot chick shows up to gobble up my dribbles.

Obay Go

I saw news of these ads popping up in Toronto, and thought they were pretty awesome. A nice sarcastic reminder for parents not to be douchebags, and for kids to not be afraid of creativity. I recently caught a glimpse of some Obay ads on the sides of buses here in London, so it's spreading.

There was some confusion over who was responsible for these, but it seems to have been confirmed that it's Colleges Ontario who put them up. Even better, because this is what college/university should be about; following dreams and pursuing new ideas. It's not about validating parents' dreams and trying to get a good job. That leads to people who don't actually want to be here, and don't care about actually learning anything. These people surely aren't themselves happy, and they tend to annoy the people around them. Like, say, their TAs.


P.S. If you haven't checked out my scrapbook recently, be sure to do so. It's where I put beautiful pictures that don't warrant a full blog post, or that I just want to keep for future reference.

Music You Haven't Heard of, But Should Have

You haven't heard of this music, but you should have:

Of Montreal: I've mentioned before that Of Montreal is mindblowing. I love them even more now that I've listened to almost all of their albums a few times. And like any great band (and unlike shitty bands), they've evolved over the years, but managed to keep a core of awesomeness.

Infected Mushroom: Some may think it's cheesy to blatantly mix genres of music, but I fucking love this combination of bass-heavy trance, heavy metal, and some cheesy pop-goth vocals.

LCD Soundsystem: My friend Jard was like "you gotta listen to LCD Soundsystem", so I did, and I was like "this is really boring", but then I listened again, and I was like "maybe I was dumb before, because this isn't so bad", and then I listened again, and was all like "if I were a squirrel and LCD Soundsystem were a nut, I would bury it in the ground and dig it up every night to cuddle with and nibble on."

Modeselektor: These guys make very strange electronic music. It's alright. I only include them on this list because one of the songs on their latest albums features Thom Yorke, who makes all music great.

The Sword: I discovered these guys through their song, Freya, in Guitar Hero II (and to a lesser extent, through Lyndsay Lohan getting semi-naked to it in her wonderful movie, I Forget Who Tried to Kill Me). I'm glad I did. This music will rock your face off, then rock your ass off, and then your ass and your face can rock out together on the floor. The music is similar to Wolfmother, which is to say, similar to a combination of Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin. The lyrics are obscure references to Norse mythology and George R. R. Martin, which is to say, awesome.

Britney Spears: Oh sure, you've heard of Britney Spears; she's that redneck drunk chick who shaved her head and flashed her vag and has a pregnant baby sister. But did you know that she also makes music? And really, it's not bad music. Not good either, but if you're at all into pop or dance music, you could do a lot worse. Her latest album, Blackout, even takes some shots back at the media that's ruining her life with songs like Piece of Me and Freakshow. She probably didn't write them, but hey, you can't expect shitty pop musicians to actually be musicians.

It's a Gas, It's a Hit, It's a Crime

Since I won't be splitting bills two ways any more, I'll soon be broke. To see how broke, exactly, I Googled up some statistics. According to Canadian Council on Social Development, the poverty line for a "single-person family" (is than an oxymoron?) living in a city with a population of 350 000 is an annual income of $17 895. I make, oh, a bit more than half of that in actual income. So I'm not only considered poor, I'm below poor. Those poor people you see wearing clothing from the 80s, pushing around shopping carts full of junk, and picking cigarette butts out of the gutter? I'm half of one of those.

Don't feel too sorry for me, though. I do make more money when you include scholarships and whoring my brain for scientific research. And really, I live pretty damn comfortably compared to most people on Earth, so I have absolutely no right to complain.

Still, some extra money wouldn't hurt. So I'm selling my old Xbox on Ebay (go bid on it if it's not too late).

I've had good experiences selling old crap on Ebay. I managed to make a couple hundred bucks off an mp3 player that's a few years old (but was still awesome), and made $50.00 off some stupid toy sword Nintendo DS stylus that I got free when I bought something else at Futureshop. But the thing with Ebay is that it seems like there's a group of semi-retarded, illiterate, and/or non-English-speaking people on there who like to ask questions about items that they never actually bid on.

Most of them are like "omg culd u plzzzzz ship to austria mate? ill pay whatever it takezzz!1!", then you look at their profile and they're actually from Australia, and they never put a single bid in. But some questions are even dumber.

For the Xbox, I had someone ask "did you install a bigger hard drive in it, and if so, how big is it?" Yeah, of course, I spent the time to buy a new hard drive, figure out how to open my Xbox and install it there, but OOPS, I forgot to mention that in the description. I didn't think it would be important to mention that my Xbox is better than most other Xboxes out there when I'm trying to sell it to people.

Here is another question I got (click to embiggen):



Has my newfound identification with the emo lifestyle made me bitter? Or has the world just gotten shittier?

ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE.

A Collection of Appropriate Pictures

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!11

Search Terms Used to Find Phronk.com

Here are some search terms that have been used to find Phronk.com recently:

• nutsack gallery
  
  
• "killer vagina"
  
  
• gacy new house address photograph
  
  
• one hundred ways to kill your girlfriend
  
  
• bob ross merchandise
  
  
• some random crap about cuba
  
  
• religious boat name
  
  
• dirty toilet texture photos
  

And a few excerpts from other sites that link here:

• Your page is on StumbleUpon. One of our members added your page to the Pornography topic on StumbleUpon. Each time our members who are interested in Pornography "stumble upon" your page using our toolbar, it will record an entry on your referral logs.
  
  
• Favourite links: Phronk.com - A great site by a mentally ill patient.
  

Thanks for visiting, you crazy serial killers, porn addicts, and/or Bob Ross fans.

See also: Scotty's crotch, fish porn, giraffe/human relations.

Crossfire

This is my happiest memory from childhood:



It's not the game itself - which is basically just Hungry Hungry Hippos, except reversed - that makes me happy, but the commercial, and the kickass music. Oh, and the deep back story: "It's some time in the future, blah blah, etc. Here's an explosion."

Then there's the 90s version:



Which supports a scientific theory I'm developing, that has the surprising hypothesis that the first few years of the 90s were actually much, much more retarded than the entire decade of the 80s.

The best, however, is this modern reinterpretation of the song:



That dude is my hero.

One Hundred Original Ideas for Horror Movies (#37-41)

37. Shell Game: The magical abilities of turtles are finally revealed to the world. The source of the genie myth, rubbing a turtle's shell grants the rubber 3 wishes. With no limit on the power of the wishes or the number of turtles that can be rubbed, governments put restrictions on turtle breeding, underground turtle farms develop, turtle genocide begins, and corrupt humans cause havoc. In the midst of the chaos, the turtles themselves get the short end of the stick. They can't make wishes themselves, but through a series of intentionally misinterpreted wishes, they manage to get their revenge on the humans. Man is enslaved, and the earth is run by T.U.R.T.L.E power.

Uh oh, already been done?

38. Shredder It's Grate to See You: A killer is often defined by the weapon they use. Freddy's got the glove, Leatherface has got the chainsaw, Phantasm's Tall Man's got that friggin floaty orb, etc. A weapon that has not got its time in the spotlight is the household cheese grater. UNTIL NOW. After being disfigured in a horrible fondue accident, a regular guy takes up the hobby of people-grating, and hides the smell of his rotting victims by maintaining a cheese market. You'll never eat blue cheese again.



39. Bowel Movements: That pushing and wriggling in your belly doesn't mean you're pregnant. It's your guts, tired of their boring parasitic relationship with you. They want out, and they get out in the most disgusting scene ever put to film. It makes the goatse man mild in comparison. The pulsating worm-like creatures make it on their own by, ironically, eating people.

40. Weredog: A young athlete devotes his life to training, but can't seem to win anything. Broke and with a failing marriage, all he wants is to come out on top, just once. After getting slobbered on by a strange looking stray dog, he finds himself with unusual hair growth and a hankering for Snausages. He begins to get shorter, a fleshy tube grows out above his ass, and he finds himself screaming uncontrollably whenever an ambulance drives by. One morning, his wife wakes up and finds herself cuddling a shih tzu. She enters him in obedience and agility competitions, working up through the ranks until the heart warming finale when her husband finally wins the national championship.



41. Binder Rings Snapping Shut on Your Schlong: You know how 3-ring binders have those clips that are very sharp and snap shut very fast? That would really hurt if they snapped on your dick. Maybe a psycho could use one as a weapon, chasing people with a binder and being all like "I'm gonna snap this on your penis".

Oh shit...am I running out of ideas?


See also: 100 Original Ideas for Horror Movies, #30 - 34.

Pork / Vagina, Vagina / Pork

Sometimes, instead of doing homework, I fill out surveys. Here is part of one I filled out today:



Wait, what? There's a difference between fashion/style and style/fashion? Does the English language work differently in the beauty industry so that "pork and beans" means something completely different than "beans and pork"? Or are they just retarded?

In other news, here is an ad that appeared here recently:



Thanks Google ads!

If your vagina does smell, feel free to click the ads up there and make me some money.

That's right, I'm a sell-out and a corporate whore, and I'm perfectly willing to take advantage of your odour problems if it means a quick buck. Or a quick tenth of a cent, as the case may be.

Now please, leave me, and go take a shower.