Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Pros and Cons of Rogers Home Phone

Dear Roger,

I do not want Rogers Home Phone. As you know, I am already paying you lots of money for a cell phone. Why the hell would I want to pay you more for something I already have? Thus, there is no need to send me letters and flyers almost every single day, literally, telling me how awesome Home Phone is. There is also no need to have your douchebags minions in suits hang out in the lobby of my building, harassing people, asking where they live, and telling me how awesome Home Phone is. It is not awesome; even if I wanted it, it's more expensive and more shitty than other phone alternatives.

Furthermore, if you stopped spending time and resources on futile attempt to sell me horse shit, maybe the rest of your services would suck less. Like how you intentionally slow down internet service for certain activities (something that is blatantly immoral and will probably be illegal soon) and limit how much we can download, then tell us about it 6 months later in a way that tries to make it seem like a good thing. That was nice. And by "nice," I mean it makes you a huge asshole. If I wasn't stuck with you due to your near-monopoly and underhanded 3-year contracts, I would end our relationship immediately.

In conclusion, Roger, you can take your Rogers Home Phone, stick it up your ass, and then you can answer that phone when it rings, and since it's such an awesome service, it'll be just like the caller is right there in your ass, but I'll make sure the caller isn't a person, but a swarm of angry killer bees, and then they will sting you on the inside of your ass.

Have a great day now,
- Phronk


SharkBoy said...

I'm old school, I don't like cell phones much (unlike a certain husband of mine), so I have the Rogers home phone... I remember a certain evening lying on the kitchen floor while trying not to kill the Rogers rep through the wires... Eventually got a month free and a replacement cable from our house to the "rogers box" and haven't had a problem since... BUT how much would I like to witness the phone call inside the ass with angry bees... sweet!

Anonymous said...

Lets not even begin to discuss the problems with Rogers Home Phone itself, those problem are endless, and ofcourse because they are Rogers and therefore the spawn of the devil, they would never tell you about these problems in the beginning or admit to these issues when you call them on it.

Jennifer said...

I'm not really sure who is the lesser of all them evils. Bell sucks donkey balls too. Everytime we move Bell buggers it up bad - this last time I spent 6 months getting my "compensation" applied to my bill for the monumental fuck upery.

Dead Robot said...

"Hi! It's Bell Canada here! We miss your business, made evident by the 4-5 fliers personally labelled to you. Please come back! Please!? If you don't we'll shoot this cute beaver that sounds exactly like a snarky Canadian comedian sell out. We mean it! Please come back."

Sean Wraight said...

Amen Brother!

I am so sick of hearing from Rogers about their service. Every two or three days I receive an unsolicited telephone call from them in addition to the deluge of printed material.

I too have had it with them and their ridiculous marketing strategies.

You have captured my feelings well on this one. Excellent post!


Anonymous said...

I was just thinking that the other day when I got two fliers in a row advertising Rogers Home Phone!

Well, not the angry killer bees part. Just something practical: calling Rogers and asking them to remove me from their mailing list, as I don't want to ruin the environment any more with their incredibly hard to biodegrade glossy fliers.

Phronk said...

Sharkboy & Kevbo: Hah, yeah, their service sucks. I like how the first step when you call and say the internet isn't working is to unplug the router and plug the modem directly into the computer. Then if it works, they tell you to call the router people. Because why would Rogers help you if you're expecting it to be compatible with exotic equipment like a router?

Jen & DR: Bell's suckage is the reason I can't switch. Independent providers are an option, but they are still controlled by Bell, and probably have problems of their own.

Sean: Thanks! Yeah they phone me too. I always tell them immediately that I'm not interested because I already have a phone. Why waste either of our time.

Von: That's much too sane and rational. But true, the environmental implications are pretty shitty too. I wonder how many trees have died accomplishing absolutely nothing.

Anonymous said...

Im on Execulink for internet and phone and Ive never been happier in my life with either service. The best part is that when I do have to call in for customer service (which is hardly every) I not only always get the same person, but they always help me out. Last time it was an issue with my router and they fixed it for me.

God I love them.

Phronk said...

Nice! Maybe I should look into that if I can ever tear myself away from Rogers.

madamerouge said...

A couple of weeks ago, I shagged a guy that works for Rogers. Good times. It was sort of like what you want to happen to Rogers, except without the killer bees. And without the insertion of a phone.

Jenn said...

My most outrageous cellphone bill to date was $336.16. True story.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Someone's grumpy. Maybe he needs an AG.

Teh AG!!!

Anonymous said...

All a con. Rogers Home Phone is terrible. It cuts out for hours, days. Noise on the line. Faulty modems. Can't buzz people into the building when drops out; can't call 911 if emergency. DO NOT GET ROGERS HOME PHONE!

More ranting about rogers: