Tuesday, September 02, 2008

In the Loop

There have been quite a few instances in which this blog has enhanced my life. The following is not one of them.

My Google Talk notifier recently popped up, letting me know I just got an email from someone named Sara Smith; it showed the first few lines of the message:

I find your blog very interesting to read. Your way of writing can magnet and lure a lot of visitors/readers. Would you be able to write about our product after visiting our site?

I got a little excited. I'd just recently seen that Jenn #3 was sent a whole bunch of free stuff just for agreeing to mention it on her blog. I left a comment lamenting the fact that nobody offers me free stuff because I'm a dude (see, I have to blame it on sexism to hide the horrible truth that my blog just isn't as cool as hers). So I thought, maybe one of these marketing companies checked back on her blog, saw my comment, and took pity on me. Soon I would be bathing in giant cartons of free cell phones and tooth whitening product.

Then I clicked on the link to their site.

Crap. Ok, nothing wrong with fancy cock rings...I can't be choosy with my free stuff. BUT:

1) I don't need a cock ring. If anything, how about something that gets rid of inconvenient boners?

2) The site is blatant in its pseudoscience. It's got almost all the red flags: magnets, ions, "all natural", bad spelling and grammar, sweeping claims about how it will solve any and all penis-related problems, celebrity endorsements (of magnets in general, not even magnetic cock rings specifically), clearly fake name of the founder of the company ("Omar Long"), etc. And not a single link to real research supporting any of it.

3) They never actually offered it for free. It was more like "buy this, then write about it!" Ummm...no.

So I think I'll pass. Thanks but no thanks.

At least the web site is entertaining. Here are some choice excerpts:

Should I wear peloop™ all the time?
The more you wear peloop™, the more it improves the blood inside your penis. So while you don't have to wear it all the time, you should try to keep it on most of the time, except for times when you go to shower or pass through airport metal detectors..etc.

Hah...yeah. That would be a little awkward. "Sir, you have a metal object in your pocket." "Er...let me just go to the bathroom for a sec." "I don't think so sir. Just remove the object from your pants." "No I swear, it's not a weapon, it's...it's just my magic cock ring."

Then they quote Einstein:

"Everything should be as simple as possible, but not simpler!"
-- Albert Einstein.

But I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about magic cock rings when he said that.

Well Sara Smith, since you're such a big fan of my blog, you'll probably see this. Thanks for the "offer", and at least your creative personalized spamming got some attention on my blog. Probably not the kind you wanted, but hey, nice try.

Look how nice I am about reviewing products! Now someone send me free stuff for reals.


Anonymous said...

LOL. Fortunately, I'm a bad enough writer that spam bots like that don't plague me!

(Love your blog!)

Jenn said...



I don't know how I feel about being Jenn #3, or worse yet being linked in the same post as cock rings.

Jennifer said...

Haha, OMG peloop, Omar Long hahahaha nearly laughed out a baby.

Speaking of such, if you'd like to test drive a baby and write about it, I'll totally send you one for free.

tornwordo said...

LOL what kind of name is, I mean what does Peloop have to do with anything, is that like the sound a shit makes hitting the toilet water? Peloop. Peloop.

Imagining the airport security scene made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Say what you will, but the blood in my penis has never been better. I still need to kill drifters to get erections, but the blood's top notch.

Butchie said...

You have cockrings all over your blog.