Thursday, January 29, 2009


Last month, I went to a Christmas party where they were doing this secret Santa gift exchange thing; everyone brings a small wrapped gift and puts it under the tree, then people pick gifts in random order. When my number came up, I attempted to use my psychic materialism powers to sniff out the very best gift. I opened the bag that the spirits guided me to, and inside were...two pieces of cloth.

I didn't really know anyone at this party, but suddenly a room full of strangers were screaming the word "SHAMWOW!" at me. I thought maybe I'd stumbled into a cult who developed their own freakish language, in which "shamwow" means "you got a shitty gift." Then someone poured their drink all over the floor. "Shamwow," he grunted, pointing at the spilled booze like an astronaut trying to communicate with a mildly retarded alien race. I spread one of the cloths over the spill, wiped it away, and like magic, the floor was clean.

In case you don't already know, this is ShamWow:

Yeah, it's a piece of cloth, but just try to watch that video without wanting to run out to Germany and buy one.

Fast forward to today. My elbow knocks my coffee cup, and there's coffee all over my brand new wireless keyboard. At first I'm very angry at my elbow, but then, like a choir of angels, I hear the voices of fifty strangers screaming "SHAMWOW!" Instantly, the situation goes from horrible accident to exciting opportunity to test out my new ShamWow. I whip it out of the drawer, and the coffee runs away before the ShamWow can even get close.

It made me say "WOW."

Or at least, it absorbed more coffee than many paper towels would. My keyboard is probably still fucked.

I should probably also get the Slap Chop:

Remember kids: boring tuna, boring life.


Erica said...

I tried in vain to convince my fiance that a ShamWow would be a great Christmas gift exchange present, but he wouldn't go for it :(

Glad to hear that it works!

Anonymous said...

"You're going to love my nuts"

Best Thing I have heard All Day.

Anonymous said...

oh my god.
slapchop is the greatest thing have seen- in my life.
no more boring life

Anonymous said...

I wanna slap-chop my hand, and then use the shamwow to mop it up and stop the bleeding--it's the only thing on the market that can do both!

Anonymous said...

That man is one hell of a salesman!

And I agree with KVL. Almost did a spit-take when he said that.

Anonymous said...

This is your first step. The second step is having your very own Snuggie!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Canada is such a strange place with some weird people!!!!!

Jennifer said...

HAHAHAHA! I am going to make America thin again one slap at a time - except I am going to just slap people eating McFood.

Also - my nuts? You're going to love them.

E Flo said...


Tigerlily said...

Believe it or not, I owned both of these products before they were ShamWOW and Slap Chop!