Monday, March 16, 2009

The Horrors of Internet Dating

Ok after that last post, my taste in women was questioned several times. Well you know what? That's what being single for a while does to you. Warps your perspective 'n shit.

To alleviate this condition, I have joined a few online dating sites. Now I know, I know, you're probably thinking, why would such an amazing person, who probably has his pick of all the women in London, stoop so low? Well, 1) Because online dating is cool now; 2) I'm only joining free ones, so there is nothing to lose; and 3) I know I'm awesome but STOP CALLING ME.

This venture has been mildly successful so far, but it is quite difficult. Know why? Look. Look what I have to work with here:

Damn, no interest in white men? But I've been looking all my life for a confused professional mama who doesn't want children and is into baskettball.

Well, she looked pretty good in the picture, but apparently she's a man.

She will shit on your motherfucking face.

All women care about is dating a doctor.

Laughing out loud at her own "whit."

More incredible wit.

But she already loves Brad. Also: something I've learned from online dating sites is that "prefer not to say" is a synonym for "obese," and "average" is a synonym for "fat but not quite obese yet." I prefer a few extra pounds to not enough pounds, but honesty trumps both.

Ok but maybe not this honest.

I think I know why. Because being branded with "save a horse ride a cowboy" is fucking retarded.

But let's end this on a positive note.

Ok this person is actually pretty awesome. That's how to write an online dating profile.

Unfortunately, the vast majority are more like the preceding ones. I guess I'll have to go back to meeting attractive people in real life and through my blog (HI LADIES).


EVILFLU said...

OMG those are hilarious!!!! Trust me, the men ads aren't much better ;)

Anonymous said...

Or go for long walks on the beach late at night, you never know who you might come across, for hire or otherwise...

wendy said...

"Because online dating is cool now"? Really? I only wish this was true. I joined OKCupid a while back but creepy people kept messaging me, so I've never gone back. Only the lesbians seemed decent, but I don't quite fit their orientation. :/

Anonymous said...

hahaha, best post of the day.
Great list. That last one was especially awesome. You should give her a call :)

S said...

Fuck, I'd date them all.

Phronk said...

@EvilFlu: Hehe, yeah I browse my male competition once in a while, and I wonder how any straight women stand it.

Dan: But beach hookers always call me gay. :(

@Wendy: I think it's much cooler than it used to be. I know people who met their spouses through it, so it can't always be bad. The relative anonymity of the internet really does bring out the creepiness though...even in girls, so I can't even imagine the messages that guys send.

@Pat: Bwahah, thanks. I think I actually did exchange a few messages with her.

S: Your sexuality is a never ending source of confusion.

E Flo said...

she quit school to make a collage?

Yvonne said...


Seriously, internet dating sucks balls. Although I have to admit if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have written the entertaining blog fodder that went around the boys I met online: the cheerleading coach with the belly-button fetish, the short dude with the nylon bikini panty fetish who compensated for his small penis with a fast car (Nissan 350Z), Mr. Poly(amorous), Navy Dude, Military Boy, etc...

tornwordo said...

I'm dumbfounded. Is the art of proofreading a lost one?

Go date Snooze. She can be found relatively nearby:

Anonymous said...

I love those ads. Hilarious stuff.

I just stopped by to ask, "how the hell are you?" and I see that you've been entertained, so everything is kewl.

Anonymous said...

this is a funny funny post. I to am one of the funniest people I know! lol!

Shora said...

gap toothed glass eye chick is awesome! You should marry her. Can we see YOUR profile???

Phronk said...

E Flo: Maybe she's going to collage college.

Von: Hehe, your dating stories are always entertaining, so maybe it's worth it just to get some of my own.

Torn: Ok I will!
Update: We are now married with 3 kids.

Jali! Long time no see! Everything is indeed cool here, and I hope everything is kicking ass with you as well.

Sarah: lol! ur always doing things spare of the moment!

Shora: No way dude! There are people on the internet who make fun of dating profiles.

Ubersehen said...

I tried online dating for a while. I called it quits on that front after I got semi-stalked by the best friend of one of my dates that didn't work out. Awkward. I don't personally recommend it, since you don't actually meet people based on actual common interests, only stated common interests.

katrocket said...

So do we have to live in London to win a date with the Phronk?

My only concern is that I have a fat old uncle named Mike who lives in London, and that would just be so awkward.

Phronk said...

Uber: Haha that is awesomely awkward. It's weird that people would lie about their interests. Especially when many of them state their top interests as NASCAR and beer.

Katrocket: Wait a minute, my name is Mike! But unless my sister has a horrible / time travel secret and I underestimate my weight and age, I'm probably not your fat old uncle. So our future together in London won't be that awkward.

katrocket said...

That's great news! Because I may be a lot of things, but I'm no unclefucker.

Ubersehen said...

It's weird that people would lie about their interests.

I think that it's not so much that they lie about what their interests are as that nothing that can be said on a dating profile can truly represent the kind of person you're going to meet. Even if you have details of what someone likes, you never get all the details, and so you never really know what they are like until you've committed yourself to an awkward afternoon's coffee. It's like a blind date without the benefit of the opinion of a friend who feels the two of you would get along.

shine said...

Oh, how I love online dating sites. I joined one on a whim, purely for the blog fodder. Which, actually, I haven't bothered to write about yet.

I have some opinions about online dating and why I don't really think it works, but that whole dilemma about how to categorize your body is...not fun for girls. Just keep in mind that some people are capable of being honest.

Profiles for the men are no better. And please take down the picture you posted of yourself shirtless in front of your bathroom mirror. It's not cool.

Phronk said...

Yeah it seems to only be good for blog fodder. Well not really. Some people on there are OK. But not many.

Yeah the dishonest people ruin it for the honest ones. Another advantage of real life I suppose.

Kissy faces while showing cleavage in the mirror are no better for girls. Or a series of pictures that obviously all came from the same one night when she looked presentable.

Trixie said...

I just saw this post on 20SB and thought it was hilarious. I have dabbled a bit in the online dating world and have found the same things. This is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

OK - I've stopped crying with laughter for long enough to compose a reasonably coherent comment on your Horrors of Dating series...

Sorry, started cry/laughing again and had to back away from the keyboard. Fuck me - these people are terrifying! They can't be real. For the love of all that's grammatically holy use a damn spell-check and explore the wonderful world of proper capitalization and punctuation!

As a young widow who's considering a tentative return to the dating world (whatever the hell that is these days!), your postings strike terror and cynical amusement into my heart.

Looking forward to more horrific updates. Hope you get some fun/smart dates in this pool of crazies!