Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Lessons From The Bachelor

I think the whole Bachelor fiasco can teach us valuable lessons about life and love.

For those who don't watch it, here is what happened. The final three girls were Jillian, who is not only beautiful but also seems to be an awesome person and would probably be perfect for any sane dude; Melissa, who is a sweet and cool person too; and Molly, who has bug eyes and seemed to treat the entire season like an extended job interview.

Jillian got kicked off first, which was the first sign that something ain't right in Jason's head. But he redeemed himself somewhat by picking Melissa, who clearly really did love him as much as one can after dating them on camera for a few weeks, then immediately falling into the role of a cute happy couple (just minutes after bawling tears over Molly that smelled vaguely of crocodile, but whatever). Oh, but then we cut to 6 weeks later. Oops, Jason screwed up, he actually loves Molly more. So, on camera, he completely destroys Melissa's dreams and acts all weepy. Which is sorta fine. Dude's gotta follow his heart. But then Molly comes back, and immediately after destroying someone's life, he's sticking his tongue down the throat of the woman who he'll love forever and ever until he realizes how much he misses Deana from last season. Cue romantic music.

Everyone knows it's an artificial train wreck. But what can we learn from it?

First, we can learn that being a man-whore just doesn't work. No matter how attractive and how much of a good guy a dude is, he can't date 25 women at the same time, narrow it down to 3 who are good enough to boink when the cameras go off, then expect to choose one and have it work out. In reality, nobody has that many people to choose from at the same time. It may seem like it would be nice, but I think it'd turn even the nicest guy into a confused douchebag.

Second, love can't happen when everyone is watching. It leaves no room for lies or secrets. Yeah yeah, deception is bad, but in real life many things rightly remain implicit. In reality, for the first few dates, it's understood that the person you're seeing might be seeing other people, but it's not being videotaped, he's not forced to talk about it in front of you, and every woman he's dating isn't roommates with every other woman he's dating. Leaving some things unshared is essential for real relationships to work.

Third, we learn that relationships can't follow a forced timeline. Setting a deadline doesn't work in real relationships, and on The Bachelor, setting a deadline at the very point when the guy has been forced into the most awkward situation he could be in is even worse. Love's gotta happen naturally. Whether it's artificially rushed by TV producers or by a woman worrying about her biological clock, it ain't gonna work.

I have no idea why I'm writing a long ass post about shitty reality TV. Oooooh but omg omg did you see that Jillian is the next Bachelorette?!?! I'm for seriously thinking of applying even though A) I'm not retarded enough to get chosen; and B) Jillian seems cool now, but by the end of the season she'll be forced into douchebaghood just like every other one. Ahhh, but wouldn't it be nice to dry hump her in a hot tub...with cameras the same hot tub she grinded with Jason in? Hm. Maybe not.


Phronk said...

This post has special features.

-- Deleted scene.

-- Discussion question: Is it possible to dry hump in a hot tub?

Anonymous said...

I think you owe it to your art to at least try to get on the show.

Anonymous said...

Bahahaha brilliant phote! Did you see Jillian on Ellen? Major dig on Jason "When I have a husband who's 6'2 gorgeous bla bla bla" i.e. Jason is sub-par for our Jill. Yes, that's right OUR. Canada's own.

Yvonne said...

Apply anyways. It's good publicity.

Phronk said...

Jack & Von: Maybe I will apply, just for the LOLs.

Sass: It's true, Jason is sub-par for my Jill. Yes MY Jill. I think she misjudged my height though.

Phronk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.