Thursday, September 24, 2009

At the Gym, Volume 4: The Grunter

UPDATE 09/25/09 11:15: None of you fuckers commented on this post, but check out the intense debate about it going on over at Reddit.

UPDATE 09/25/09 11:23: I'm sorry I called you a fucker. You know I love you.

If you've ever been to a gym, you've met the grunter. He (for he is invariably male) is not content to demonstrate how hard he's working out purely with the muscles bulging out of his sleeveless shirt, or the strained expression on his face, or the sweat he's dripping all over the place. No, he has to announce his effort with grunts.

Unfortunately this is not an audio blog, but it sounds something like this:

UUUUNGH! [lift weight] FFFNNNG!! [lift weight] GGGRRRRMMPH!!!

Maybe he thinks it helps. If he focuses his energy with a primal howl, it will allow him to lift more weight.

But then you use the machine when he's done, and you're adding fifty pounds before silently completing your workout, and you gotta wonder what all the commotion was about.

A gym is swimming in testosterone, so you really can't blame him for allowing his animal instincts to kick in. It's not like he's Grunty McGruntsalot during more mundane, less manly activities.

But then you use the bathroom on your way out, and guess who's in the stall next to you?

SSSCRRRGH! [dribble] EEEFRRCH!! [fart] EEUURRKK!!!


Hey Lady! said...

I have not experienced the bathroom portion, but I sure as hell know the gym grunters out on the gym floor! I was about 20 feet from this dude the other night, and I had my MP3 player turned up, and STILL the guy was so loud I was too distracted to finish my rowing, I had to move away from him. I don't get it. If you're straining that much, I'd be concerned about a hernia.

shine said...

Yum. Thanks for that.

Phronk said...

Hey Lady: Yeah, it really can be distracting. It doesn't bother me too much (other than making me laugh and drop my weights), but it is a public place and being loud in public is rude.

Shine: You're SO welcome.

Anonymous said...

I wrote a beautiful comment but your blog hates me. Basically your friends at Reddit talk about how the Valsalva maneuver helps them lift weights. However the Valsalva maneuver can also cause people's heart rates to drop by causing vagus nerve stimulation. So, techincally, it can cause people to pass out. After heart surgery, people get laxatives so they don't bear down when going to the washroom so they don't perform a Valsalva manuever.

So technically these people have a small chance of dieing. Does that make you happier?


Tatiana said...

I wanted to leave a comment but all that was coming into my head was the two grunts colliding from excess strain....

Anyhoo, grunters are pretty annoying but the sweaters bother me more. No towel in the world is enough to soak up that mess. And that's why I hate gyms.

Hey Lady! said...

Wait, wait being loud in public is rude? Someone had better tell all the UT Longhorns fans that crowd the pub near my house every weekend.

Anonymous said...

You should join a Planet Fitness gym. They sound an alarm on anyone on the gym grunting (no, really).

It's amazing!