Saturday, October 31, 2009

A Fuck You to PlayTV Canada

UPDATE (Dec. 5 2009): There is some fruitful discussion of this scam going on over at, um, "another blog": See Play TV Canada is a Scam and Play TV Canada Has No Legs.

I see this "show" on sometimes when I flip on the TV before bed, and I can't turn away. It's the most boring thing you could think of: this guy stands there, with some sort of "puzzle" on the screen, and he says that time is running out for someone to call in, give the solution to the puzzle, and win $500. That's it. He stands there, babbling, waiting for the phone to ring.

The thing is, it's a blatant scam. These people use subtle and not-so-subtle psychological tricks to persuade people to dial a number that costs $2.00 to call. For example, there is constant time pressure. The guy will put a countdown on the screen until the end of the contest. When it runs out he'll pretend he's fighting the producers to extend the deadline. The whole time, his phone sits there, not ringing. So you feel like, wow, this seems fishy, but I gotta decide right now, nobody else is calling, and the puzzle is easy (see above), so I'm guaranteed $500!

Another variation on the scam is putting up a "puzzle" with the terms of the solution so vague that it's pretty much guessing at random answers. Then, even if you get through, you'll get it wrong. Last night they showed a picture, and the puzzle was "how many hearts are in the picture?" But there were hearts within hearts, partial hearts, hearts that were covered but could be inferred, hearts too small to see, etc. Depending on which assumptions you include or exclude, there is a very large number of reasonable answers. So you hear people getting through occasionally, but they're all wrong.

The underlying scam is in fine text at the bottom: "calling in enters you into a random draw to give a guess on the air." So they arbitrarily decide when to air someone's guess. They no doubt time it for the maximum illusion that not many people are calling, so if you call, you will surely win. Meanwhile, thousands of people are calling in at $2.00 a call. At the end of the show, they finally allow someone to get through on the easy puzzle, give them $500, then these assholes walk away with a profit of tens of thousands of dollars.

Yet, even knowing it's a scam, I can't turn away. Hearing the poor (probably literally poor) confused people get on the air, falling for the greedy tricks, it's like witnessing a crime. So bottom line: fuck you, PlayTV Canada. And a bonus fuck you to Global Television for allowing this morally bankrupt shit to air.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

What Scares Me

Given the time of year, a lot of people have been writing about what scares them (see EvilFlu, CarissaJaded, SnoopDogg). Never one to avoid a bandwagon, here is what scares me:

  • Wolves
    To me, a wolf with its teeth bared is one of the most frightening images I can think of. If something is going to be stalking me from the darkness, I'd rather it be a guy with a knife than a wolf. Animals affect my emotions more than most humans do. It's the same principle that makes me weep uncontrollably when a dog dies in a movie, even after the human body count has already started piling up. At that ghost lecture, the only thing that freaked me out was when he described a spot where certain people would hear the howling and growling of "spectral wolves" drawing near. Ghost wolves. Fucking hell.

  • Gross Skin Things
    For the most part, I'm not too bothered by severed heads, gaping wounds, splattering blood, etc. (in movies I mean; in real life I'd probably barf like a garden hose if I saw any of these). Much more bothersome are oozing boils, cancerous growths, or just really bad zits. I guess because most people are likely to encounter these things at some point in their life, through no fault of their own or even at the hand of others. Plus I just have a thing for nice skin (but surprisingly, "I enjoy the way your skin looks on your body" never works as a pickup line).

  • Being Stuck in a Small Places
    I'm not generally claustrophobic; I rather enjoy being paid to lie in the narrow tube of an MRI machine for hours at a time. But the thought of being in that situation with nobody around and no way of freeing myself, that terrifies me. When I was in high school, I wrote a story about a guy who had to wriggle through a small sewer pipe, where he felt something nibbling at his toes but didn't have enough room to turn around or even free his hands to swat it away. All he could do was wriggle faster. That idea has always resonated in the fear centers of my subconscious.

  • My Future
    I'm sure I'll write more about this later, but I'm about to finish school after being there my whole life, thrust into the real world, and I have no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing at this time next year. That frightens me deep down. There's a bit of excitement too, sure, but the uncertainty of it is my number one crisis at the moment.

  • The Planet's Future
    I think it's a natural human instinct to go batshit crazy over the end of the world. Every culture has their apocalypse predictions. None have yet come true, but humans are now more powerful than ever, and I genuinely believe that the the technological singularity could happen within most young peoples' lifetimes. That's a make-or-break point; we either fuck it up so bad that this planet becomes a lifeless rock like the rest of them, or we end up in a near-perfect utopia. I have hope for the latter, but I fear the former.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Normal Activity

It's Halloween time, so as one would expect, many ghostly happenings have been ... happening.

A few nights ago I had a lovely date night with myself. I got some snacks and some wine, turned off all the lights except for a single candle, and sat down to watch a scary movie. I'd never seen The Changeling before, but it had a few rare moments of freaking the hell out of me with its simple but effective scares. It's all the ghost story clichés done right.

Then today, at the Central Library, I went to see a talk by ghost researcher Cameron Bagg, who presented these same ghost clichés as fact. It was an interesting presentation; he told the story of how he first encountered ghosts (mysterious sounds, feeling a presence, teleporting objects, etc.), the tools he uses to hunt ghosts, some spooky anecdotes, all that. He showed some pictures of ghosts and spirit orbs. Ambiguous shadows and spheres of light.

At strange gatherings like this, I find the audience makeup and reactions as fascinating as the talk itself. This was a diverse group of people - old, young, crazy, not-crazy. Good old Roy McDonald was in attendance (he seems to be everywhere at once ... like a ghost). And their reactions; well, I think this was the defining moment:

Bagg took out a television remote control. A regular remote, with an infrared transmitter on the end. He pointed it at the audience, clicked a button a few times, and said "does everyone see the flashing light?"

Many in the audience nodded. Murmurs of "ah, yes!" and "I see it!"

But there was no flashing light. His point was that cameras can see frequencies of light that are invisible to the naked eye (e.g., infrared; indeed, a flashing light could be seen when he pointed it through a camera). But there is a deeper point that inadvertently came out: when people are presented with a suggestion, they are likely to see things as consistent with that suggestion. When shown a static bulb and told it was flashing, many people in the audience, they literally thought they saw it flashing.

Similarly, when someone believes she is about to see ghost photographs, then you show her a shapeless shadow, she will see a human figure in it. Suggest that a dead woman lived in a house, and a picture of an empty room contains her face in a blob of reflected light. The noises at night aren't the people in the next apartment bumping around, but ghostly rapping. An object appearing where it shouldn't isn't a lapse in memory, but a mischievous poltergeist.

I'm not saying ghosts aren't real. Ghosts are an intense phenomenon genuinely experienced by a significant proportion of the population. These experiences can't be explained by the speculations of armchair debunkers, and even though I wish he was more objective about it, I am glad that people like Cameron Bagg are out there actually trying to figure it out. But aside from any paranormal explanations, there is a lot of equally fascinating normal human psychology going on in the minds of those looking for ghosts.

Monday, October 26, 2009

RIP Geocities

Today, Geocities, one of the earliest free web hosting companies, is shutting down. SAD FACE.

I joined Geocities way back when it was called Geopages. This was in 1995, when it was organized into "neighbourhoods" (this was pre-Google, so the web had to be organized into hierarchies of links or you couldn't find anything), and I moved into one of the original 'hoods: Hollywood. I still have my address memorized: It's still there as of 10:00 a.m. today, so go laugh at my awkward teenage writing while you can.

Actually, I've barely changed. Here's an excerpt from my "about me" page:

"My name is Mike, but I'm known as Phronk on the Internet (as well as to some people in real life.) I'm a 21 year old straight white male. At the moment I live in London, Ontario, and I go to The University of Western Ontario. There, now you have enough info to stalk me. Enjoy. If you want to talk to me, I have ICQ running most of the time. My UIN is 252842, but I'm probably the only Phronk there so you can just search for me. If you have IRC, I can occasionally be found on Asylumnet ("

If you update the age, substitute MSN for ICQ, and Twitter for IRC, then nothing's changed. I still go to the same university, and I'm still straight and white.

I had a "web presence" before 1996, but even doesn't keep records of the web from before then. If I recall correctly, it had lots of under-construction GIFs, web portal links, blink tags, and shout-outs to the 5 other people with web pages.1

I sometimes claim to have invented blogging. While perhaps a slight exaggeration, sometime in the mid-90s I realized that static web pages were boring and there was potential for web sites that would show people new content every time they visited. So I started my "Thing of the Day," in which I'd update my web site (by going in and editing index.html by hand) with a new thing — a link, a picture, an opinion, or some personal anecdote about my life — every day. It was only later that the term "blog" was coined to describe this concept.

I was also involved in the ultra-geeky Quake community that is credited with developing blogging in Wikipedia's history of blogging article. I recall chatting with John Carmack a few times on IRC and reading his finger updates (ew?), which were totally the original Twitter.

Anyway, RIP Geocities. You're the grandaddy of this blog. Maybe the grandaddy of all web content created by regular people. You'll be missed, but will live on in our memories (and, and Google's cache).


1 Actually, it looked a lot like xkcd's current tribute to Geocities.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Never Fart

I promised fart talk, and apparently today is TMI Thursday, so here we go.

I don't fart.

People don't believe me when I tell them this, but it's true. I'll qualify by saying that of course a little one slips once in a while, like if I laugh too hard after eating a tub of chili, or I dream about riding on a giant balloon with a hole in it. But I never intentionally let one rip outside of a bathroom.

That last part is important. Once I'm within range of the W.C., I can really sound off. When I wake up in the morning, it's a veritable symphony.

But when I'm out and about, or even alone at home, you'll hear not a single trouser cough from me.

There are many reasons for this. Part of it goes back to my childhood. When I was a kid — ok you're going to think I'm an idiot now — but for a period of a few weeks when I was a kid, I thought farts were shit transmuted into air. Like if you fart enough, all the poop will fly out as air and you'll never have to take a dump. So I farted a lot.

I soon realized some of the inevitable consequence of farting a lot: smelling funny, and skid marks. Probably not a huge problem for most people, but when your mom still does your laundry, it can be embarrassing. So I did a 180 and stopped farting. And let me tell you, since then, my underwear is so clean you could eat off of it. My underwear, it lasts until the elastic band goes.

And although I have no memories of this happening that I haven't blocked out, there is a constant threat for people who fart on a regular basis:

The shart. Gas followed by mass. The difference between the two can be hard to identify until it's already out, and then it's too late. It may be a small risk, but given the possibly catastrophic consequences, the risk doesn't justify the reward for me.

I don't feel the need to toot in public. Gas buildup never happens any more frequently than I'm on the toilet anyway.

I am not trying to convince everyone to stop playing the butt trumpet (even though the world would smell better if you did). I just want to raise awareness that not everyone falls in line with the cheese-cutting agenda.


P.S. I really wanted to work in the phrase "skid marks on the Hershey highway to Brown Town" somewhere in this post. I guess I'll just have to plop it here.

P.P.S. There is talk of farting over at Blonde Monde today too.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Book Review: Under the Banner of Heaven, by Jon Krakauer

Under the Banner of Heaven tells three interwoven true stories: the history of the Mormon faith, the current life of Mormon fundamentalists, and the 1984 murders of an innocent woman and her baby daughter at the hands of brothers Ron and Dan Lafferty, two such fundamentalists. The implication is that the Lafferty murders were not an isolated incident, and indeed, the history and current practice of Mormonism are littered with acts of brutal violence.

Krakauer writes as if he takes the insane things that the killers and other Mormons believe at face value. It's sort of an inside perspective, describing not what is objectively true, but what the major players believe to be true. This can be humourous when writing about, say, Dan thinking that his bowel movements are a sign from God. Krakauer doesn't need to inject his own opinion into the descriptions; the stories are ridiculous enough in a straight telling.

That same matter-of-fact style can also be heartbreaking. Like when describing the Mountain Meadows massacre, in which Mormon militia slaughtered an entire wagon train of innocent travelers. Or when the timeline of the Lafferty murders is described in great detail, partly through Dan Lafferty's own unrepentant words (Krakauer interviewed him directly in prison, where as far as I can tell, he still lives to this day). It's hard to understand how any sane person could murder a baby.

Yet Krakauer argues that the Lafferties are not insane. The take-it-at-face-value writing underscores that, given what the brothers believed and their rationalizations for any setbacks, they acted rationally. At worst, he identifies Ron as having symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. The combination of the radical beliefs of Mormon fundamentalists, coupled with an extreme personality — the same sort of personality that has fueled the prophets behind all of Mormonism's violent history — can be a dangerous mix.

This quote illustrates some of the workings of extreme religious minds:

"In one of Ron's revelations, God had, in fact, instructed him to send his brother Mark to Nevada to wager on a horse to race to raise funds for the City of Refuge. With the Lord letting Mark know which mount to bet on, it seemed that they couldn't lose. But they did. Afterward, Onias couldn't resist telling the brothers 'I told you so,' causing relations between Ron and the prophet to deteriorate even further."

With examples like these, on top of more serious ones, it's difficult to imagine how anyone could believe in prophets. In the history of mankind, no prophecy capable of coming true has ever come true. Ever. The bickering and splintering of the church over whose "divine" revelation is better further emphasizes that they are pure fantasy. Yet people do believe. There are over 13 million Mormons worldwide, their faith based on a prophet who, less than 200 years ago, claimed to have "translated" a book of golden plates an angel showed him in the woods, by putting a magical rock in a hat then stuffing his face in the hat. And these are the less delusional, non-fundamentalist ones.

What may disturb readers is that their own beliefs — especially other religious ones, but this applies to some atheists too — could be just as unfounded and dangerous if left unchecked. Krakauer briefly makes an explicit link with Christianity, but I think the lessons of this book are even broader. All beliefs should be questioned, as should all sources of authority - be it the voice of God, a charismatic prophet, or Richard Dawkins.

If I had to complain about one aspect of the book, it would be its overemphasis on polygamy. The polygamist relationships of both modern and historical Mormons are whipped out as if the mere mention of multiple partners should send shivers up the reader's spine. I may write a follow-up post to this, but my opinion, in short, is that it's not polygamy itself that is troubling. Rather, it is the irrational beliefs that are the cause of polygamy in Mormons, and the monumental abuse of women and girls that polygamy often (but not always) leads to, that should be eradicated.

Sarah lent me this book, thinking it'd be up my alley, and she was so right. It's hard to say I "liked" it, since much of my reaction to it is jaw-dropped horror, but especially in the early chapters when both the historical background and the murder story are fresh, it is an astounding, mind-blowing read. Anyone with any interest in religious belief, true crime, or both, should pick up Under the Banner of Heaven immediately.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Guest Post

Hello. I am not blogging here right now. However, I am blogging over at Dan Brown's (London Free Press Dan Brown, not the other one) Cool Blog Name to Come. I guest-posted there about being paid to write blog posts. Dan did not pay me to write it.

I've been pretty serious lately eh? I've got one more deep, serious book review tomorrow, then we shall get back to our regularly scheduled fart jokes.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Response to Accusations of Police Brutality at The University of Western Ontario

Yesterday, a crazy person rampaged through the Social Science Centre at the University of Western Ontario - the building I would have been working in had I not been home sick - and after barricading himself in an office and threatening people, had a run-in with police. His arrest was captured on video and posted to Youtube almost immediately.

Here's the full story at the London Free Press, and the video is below (warning: a bit disturbing).

Opinions are divided on this one. Many people think it is an example of police brutality. Others think the officers used an acceptable level of force. Here are my thoughts.

When it comes to a violent act, people often consider whether or not the person "deserved it." This guy deserved it. He had already punched an officer and caused grief on upper floors (though it's unclear whether he caused physical harm to anyone else) before being taken down on the first floor.

However, we, as a civilized society, and especially our police officers, should need better reasons for violence than whether or not someone deserved it. Judging someone as worthy of punishment is an emotional decision, and not a rational one. In my humble opinion, violence should only be carried out when it is the only possible way to bring about a greater good (e.g., preventing further violence). "Deserving it" has nothing to do with whether or not the violent act would be effective in accomplishing the actor's goal.

I prefer to avoid having strong opinions unless I am fully informed about a situation. With many issues, I think it is more useful to identify the questions that would need to be answered in order to have an informed opinion, rather than immediately forming one based on gut reactions to incomplete information.

In this case, the crucial question is this: after the six police officers had the man on the ground, could they have subdued him without kneeing him, punching him, and beating him with a baton? Or were these actions motivated purely by a sense of "he deserved it"?

I genuinely don't know. It is quite possible that the only way to get handcuffs on a strong, struggling, possibly insane man is to weaken him with pain, and this is reflected in police training and proper procedure. It's also possible that the actions were motivated purely by the darker side of human emotion.

And I understand that. It's quite possible this dangerous man passed by my office yesterday; I feel that dark desire to see him harmed and locked up, for what he did and could have done to me and people I care about. He deserved to be hurt. But if we want the world to be a better, more humane place, we need to resist these gut reactions and look at violence purely with cool-head rationality.


Update Oct. 15, 3:00 - Another video is available here. More of the same, but outside, and with people discussing the really deep implications for race and gender issues.

Also, apparently pepper spray was used and didn't work. Bottom line: being crazy gives you superpowers.

Update 4:30 - Aaaand the remixes are already in:

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Horrors of Internet Dating, Volume 4

Good news everyone!1 I'm still single. That means I continue to check free internet dating sites once in a while, scouring them for the worst of the worst to mercilessly mock for your entertainment. And I mean it when I say "once in a while." It doesn't take long to find this stuff. The saddest thing is, the self-presentation FAILS2 you see below are in no way atypical.

Let's start with a real ad banner that someone actually paid to have displayed at the top of a dating site:

Maybe if their potential customer base wasn't so specific, they could afford a better marketing department.

While we're on the topic of race:

I can't decide if this is racist or not. On one hand: obviously. On the other: everyone has certain traits that they are attracted to, and these preferences are largely not consciously chosen. For example, some people are only attracted to blondes; they wouldn't be accused of hairism. And on a larger scale, most people have an exclusive preference for one gender over the other, and that's not considered sexism.

Like me, I'm only attracted to females. Sorry guys, just never had the urge to see any of you naked. Which is why I only browse female profiles, and get confused when I see this:

No offense or anything, but "she" is the ugliest girl I've ever seen. Sadface. :(

And um, ok, maybe sometimes I see dudes' profiles. Who the hell is this guy? Trying to copy my name almost exactly and answering questions 95% the same as me. Maybe this is my secret clone that's out there, causing random people to think they've met me before when I have no idea who they are (this happens to me all the time, and cloning is the only explanation (not this, no)).

Maybe I need to wear clothing that sets me apart...

Yes! I've always wanted to be with someone who can set me up with sweet Halloween costumes. Smarts N/A? Don't be so hard on yourself.

Just hanging out at the pool with her pal Frosty the Snowman. Hope he doesn't melt.3

Hey internet, there's this new thing that computers can do now. It's called "cropping." Might be worth looking into.

Do you actually know what vegetarian means?

So basically, you're unapologetically annoying.

What confuses me about this one, and all the others like it, is the seemingly random use of the shift key. First of all, it seems like it would be really hard to put a capital letter in front of almost every word. It's not like there's a caps lock for that. So why bother with all the effort? Second, what determines which words get the shift key and which don't? "Well Umm right Now I Wanna Still Try & Finish School" mostly gets the capital letter treatment, but "i think i'm a pretty chill person lol" gets lower case even where it shouldn't. What's the crucial difference in her mind? Are the capitalized sentences louder in her inner voice? Higher pitched?


(see, capitals there clearly indicate yelling)

As usual let's end with someone who actually does something right.



See also:

1 Everyone except my penis.
2 I'm not saying I'm any better at this. There are probably people out there mocking my profile just as harshly. At least I can spell "and" though.
3 Which would probably reveal the girl underneath who's way hotter. This censorship approach is not much of a solution to the group shot problem, because the sub-Frosty girl I'm imagining in my mind is way more attractive than any real person.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Book Review: Club Dead, by Charlaine Harris

Club Dead is the third book in Charlaine Harris's Southern Vampire Mysteries series. See my reviews for Dead Until Dark and Living Dead in Dallas for the general gist of the series. Vague spoilers for Club Dead lie ahead, but nothing you won't forget before you get around to reading it.

A lot is familiar here, having read the first two books. The writing is better but still full of awkward moments. I suspect Harris started following some new writing advice, such as mapping out her locations before writing about them (in too much detail; "I walked into a 100 square foot room with a window in the wall in front of me, a door in the center of the right wall that lead into a hallway that lead into a bedroom which also had a window, and a broom closet on the left wall. I then left and never came back"), and buying a word-a-day calendar (which she cleverly gives to Sookie as an excuse for the sudden appearance of big words). Vampire Bill is still up to his delightful rapist ways, and adds a few other unforgivable wrongs on top of that (which are quickly forgiven). But this time he's joined by a whole cast of loveable sexual predators.

Oh, and maybe I'm beating a dead horse here (LOLvampirehorse), but Sookie's extreme shallowness also makes a return. Seriously, she's about to go on dangerous mission with dangerous people, her life in jeopardy, and the first thing she thinks of is what to do with her hair. The world conspires to conform to her bizzarre superficial wishes, and the whole next chapter is spent describing her getting a surprise makeover. Let me reiterate: in this book full of vampires and werewolves and telepaths, a whole chapter is devoted to a fucking makeover.

As the hero of the novels, Sookie doesn't really do many heroic things. For example, here is the complete Sookie Stackhouse Manual for How to be a Detective:
  • Get your hair done. Find a cute outfit.
  • Show up somewhere where there may or may not be stuff relevant to the case.
  • Get seriously injured.
  • Get saved by a supernatural creature.
  • Wake up in the right place at the right time to witness the mystery's solution.

But there are a lot of good reasons to read the book anyway. For the first time, I felt there were actually some compelling mysteries, with answers that made sense but weren't completely obvious. Also, that really dumb character I alluded to in my review for Dead Until Dark makes a significant reappearance, but this time doesn't seem so out of place, and his silliness does add some comic relief.

All in all, I give Club Dead the same recommendation I did the other two books: read it for cheap thrills and nothing more.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

The Glass's Half Empty

So there's good news and there's bad news.

The good news it that I finally found those glasses I lost a few months ago.

The bad news is that I found them in the washing machine.

And they look like this:

Ain't those just the saddest little things you ever did see?

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Kindness and Attraction in London Ontario

Here's a follow-up to my other sellout post about Lenzr. The latest contest is for Ontario Tourist Attractions (sponsored by... wait for it... here's the link I'm being paid for ... Kanetix insurance & mortgage rate quotes). Take pictures of Ontario's tourist attractions and you could win $200.00. Nice.

It got me thinking about London's tourist attractions. And how we, uh, really don't have any. But if I had to choose one, it wouldn't be a building or a location at all, but a person. Roy McDonald has been entertaining London and visitors to London for decades. On almost any given weekend evening, he can be found outside the bars on Richmond Row, sporting a kickass beard while singing or reciting poetry. He's been a permanent downtown fixture for as long as I can remember, and should definitely be an attraction to any London tourists.

And hey, look at this picture of Roy with another London legend, the Town Crier. No London event would be complete without this guy.

In other local news, check out 1000 Acts of Kindness, a project that aims to eliminate hate by spreading kindness here in L-dot. Of course no single site is going to eliminate hate, but even a single additional act of kindness is making the city a better place. Go help reach their goal of describing 1000 acts of kindness by doing something good for another person. It's not hard.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Movie Review: Zombieland (2009)

Here is a quick review of Zombieland that I wrote while drunk:

Zombie land is the latest zom-com from director woody harrelson. it is about zombies and it stars that kid from Get REal & Cursed and Dakota Fanning and also TEH ZOMBIES. but not the 1960s rock band, IDIOT. real zombies. Altho, I'm gonna let you finish, but i think that She's Not There is one of the greatest songs of all time. OF ALL TIME.

In other words, TWO THUMBS UP.

Friday, October 02, 2009

My Bar Chart Turned Into a Flow Chart and Made a Scatterplot

Guys! I figured out how to make one of my diagrams even better!

Now I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, "my my, this fellow is awfully immature for someone who's almost 30", or "you have too much time on your hands", or "golly gee, these do not fit the Chicago Manual of Style's specifications for a correct Venn diagram", or perhaps, "dude needs a girlfriend."

In response to such thoughts, I drew you another diagram:

Feel free to link this diagram to anyone you wish to cease communications with.

Thursday, October 01, 2009


One day I'm going to finally meet a special lady, and we will be lucky enough to bring a new life into this world. We'll rush to the hospital, then await the little bundle of joy, marveling at how he will soon breathe air for the very first time. And I can't wait for the moment when he finally emerges into this brave new world, then I punch him in the face, and I says to him, I says, "welcome to Earth!"