Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Horrors of Internet Dating, Volume 4

Good news everyone!1 I'm still single. That means I continue to check free internet dating sites once in a while, scouring them for the worst of the worst to mercilessly mock for your entertainment. And I mean it when I say "once in a while." It doesn't take long to find this stuff. The saddest thing is, the self-presentation FAILS2 you see below are in no way atypical.

Let's start with a real ad banner that someone actually paid to have displayed at the top of a dating site:

Maybe if their potential customer base wasn't so specific, they could afford a better marketing department.

While we're on the topic of race:

I can't decide if this is racist or not. On one hand: obviously. On the other: everyone has certain traits that they are attracted to, and these preferences are largely not consciously chosen. For example, some people are only attracted to blondes; they wouldn't be accused of hairism. And on a larger scale, most people have an exclusive preference for one gender over the other, and that's not considered sexism.

Like me, I'm only attracted to females. Sorry guys, just never had the urge to see any of you naked. Which is why I only browse female profiles, and get confused when I see this:

No offense or anything, but "she" is the ugliest girl I've ever seen. Sadface. :(

And um, ok, maybe sometimes I see dudes' profiles. Who the hell is this guy? Trying to copy my name almost exactly and answering questions 95% the same as me. Maybe this is my secret clone that's out there, causing random people to think they've met me before when I have no idea who they are (this happens to me all the time, and cloning is the only explanation (not this, no)).

Maybe I need to wear clothing that sets me apart...

Yes! I've always wanted to be with someone who can set me up with sweet Halloween costumes. Smarts N/A? Don't be so hard on yourself.

Just hanging out at the pool with her pal Frosty the Snowman. Hope he doesn't melt.3

Hey internet, there's this new thing that computers can do now. It's called "cropping." Might be worth looking into.

Do you actually know what vegetarian means?

So basically, you're unapologetically annoying.

What confuses me about this one, and all the others like it, is the seemingly random use of the shift key. First of all, it seems like it would be really hard to put a capital letter in front of almost every word. It's not like there's a caps lock for that. So why bother with all the effort? Second, what determines which words get the shift key and which don't? "Well Umm right Now I Wanna Still Try & Finish School" mostly gets the capital letter treatment, but "i think i'm a pretty chill person lol" gets lower case even where it shouldn't. What's the crucial difference in her mind? Are the capitalized sentences louder in her inner voice? Higher pitched?


(see, capitals there clearly indicate yelling)

As usual let's end with someone who actually does something right.



See also:

1 Everyone except my penis.
2 I'm not saying I'm any better at this. There are probably people out there mocking my profile just as harshly. At least I can spell "and" though.
3 Which would probably reveal the girl underneath who's way hotter. This censorship approach is not much of a solution to the group shot problem, because the sub-Frosty girl I'm imagining in my mind is way more attractive than any real person.


Jay Ferris said...

No lenses? I don't mind the odd idiosyncrasy, but a girl that doesn't take eye protection seriously? No thank you!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

It's great being single, isn't it?!

The Caffeinated Librarian said...

Hilarious, and sadly, so true. When I was single, I was also browsing online dating sites and horrified at what I found. They should make people take an IQ test before they can sign up on those things.

Being single sucks, but it doesn't last forever. Good luck!

Tigerlily said...

The men on the sites I browse seem to fill the about me portion in with some variant of either: "I'll fill this out later" (ie I'm lazy) or "I like hockey" (ie I live in Canada).

The ladies at least seem good for a laugh.

Jen said...

I remember there being a "Title Case" function where it would capitalize the first letter of each word, but that girl is totally bizarre - it seems like WAY too much work! I do love your misadventures in internet dating though :)

EVILFLU said...

haha I love these so much! How come there are no strange men profiles? It's like they hide their weirdness until you actually talk to them and then it comes out that they wear women's underwear and cry at commercials. Men are smarter at hiding their weirdness I guess :/

shine said...

I love it that you referred to your penis as a person.

I'm impressed because I usually only write about the weirdos who actually contact me, but you're out there scouring the Internets for weirdos who haven't been knocking on your virtual door. I get so many weird ones, I don't want to go looking for them in other places.

Also, about a month ago, OKCupid matched me up with a cross-dressing furry. No shit. I'm questioning everything I've ever said to understand how I might have given the impression that I'm into that sort of thing.

Anonymous said...

ARRRG I'll never understand the random capitalized letters either!! I just don't understand the freaking extra effort! WHY?! My online profile said "I will judge you based on your grammar." I still had idiots messaging me.

sarah said...

Some One Up In Your comments Said Being single Sucks but I Don't think That Being Single Sucks at all lol.

Really though, I don't.

Love these posts though. It seems that social networking sites are a clear laserbeam-like view into the deep stupidity of anyone who is even a little bit stupid. I'm sure all these people are perfectly nice, normal people IRL but put under the social network magnifying glass they just become intolerable. Absolutely, insanely intolerable. It's one of the most fascinating things that wastes my time in my life right now.

But yeah, I would love to see your profile. :) You must be so so so self-conscious at this point after all this analysis. I get like that too because I'm constantly judging other people on FB for example, and so I become terrified that I'm being a hypocrite. That being said, marry fake glasses lady. Someone's going to snatch her up if you don't.

Phronk said...

Jay: Psh, life is no fun without the possibility of shooting your eye out.

AG: In lots of ways, it is.

Meg: That's actually a great idea. A site that weeds people out with IQ and grammar tests before they can even join. No less shallow than J-date or Black Girls Who Want White Guys. :)

Jen & Angryredhead: Wow, that would be pretty useful for long titles! Let's just hope that girl found that function and left it on accidentally.

Sarah: There are good things and bad things about singlehood and non-singlehood. I think people get sick of whatever situation they're in and want the other. Unless they've found "the one." Maybe?

I am a bit self-conscious, but I also gotta just be myself. Which might result in a mockable profile, but better to have it honest than trying to be perfect.

I think I messaged fake glasses lady but she lives in another province or something. :~(

Tigerlily, EvilFlu, Shine: I think guys and girls are sorta reversed in when they display the crazy. With guys, it's the ones who contact you that are batshit. With girls, the profiles are crazy, but the ones who contact you are just dull or unattractive or look 20 years older than their profile says.

Lauren said...

So. good.

Tigerlily said...

Just found a profile and thought of this post: "I like to play hockey.
Not sure what makes me unique. Probably everything.
I like all music, even country."

There's the hockey again, and as for unique...I don't think any of that spells unique.

Tigerlily said...

Just found a profile and thought of this post: "I like to play hockey.
Not sure what makes me unique. Probably everything.
I like all music, even country."

There's the hockey again, and as for unique...I don't think any of that spells unique.

Blondie said...

oh my gosh! I've been tweeting about lame e-dating fails a LOT lately. Nothing on this scale though. One you might enjoy:

"I should mention a few qualities that the person I will get evolved with should have"

Forest City Fashionista said...

Mike: I love your dissections of the online dating profiles (it could be the subject of a blog by itself).I met a total of 5 guys from Plenty of Fish, three were freaks, two were not (not bad average). Maybe I would have had more dates if I would have used the word "Wanna" more?

Katie said...

This post cracked me up. Online dating is such a mess.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

awesome post. dating makes me sad and anxious and thinking more and more about adopting 15 cats.

I have a question for you though - not tha tit illustrates insanity per say but it's a guy thing and MAKES ME CRAZY. On Eharmony (gah!) they ask you to fill out 3 things you can't live without. Common answers being coffee, internet, my kids, etc. But 9 out of 10 men will also include air. AIR. And each seems to think that this is super clever and original. WHY FOR THEY DO THAT? would you include air? please say no.

Anonymous said...

sorry - that's "not that it". not "not tha tit". tit. hee.

Phronk said...

You are all awesome.

To answer you, Alexandra: There is a similar question on OKCupid (except it's 6 things), and on my profile I explicitly make fun of people who say "air" or "food." It's so obvious and unfunny; I don't understand either. It's not just men though. Plenty of women have it too.

Anonymous said...

yikes, sorry. Don't know why I assumed it was a guy thing. geez, does that make me sexist? good to know both sexes suck equally.

Anonymous said...

think dating sites had it pretty tough during the crunch