Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Never Fart

I promised fart talk, and apparently today is TMI Thursday, so here we go.

I don't fart.

People don't believe me when I tell them this, but it's true. I'll qualify by saying that of course a little one slips once in a while, like if I laugh too hard after eating a tub of chili, or I dream about riding on a giant balloon with a hole in it. But I never intentionally let one rip outside of a bathroom.

That last part is important. Once I'm within range of the W.C., I can really sound off. When I wake up in the morning, it's a veritable symphony.

But when I'm out and about, or even alone at home, you'll hear not a single trouser cough from me.

There are many reasons for this. Part of it goes back to my childhood. When I was a kid — ok you're going to think I'm an idiot now — but for a period of a few weeks when I was a kid, I thought farts were shit transmuted into air. Like if you fart enough, all the poop will fly out as air and you'll never have to take a dump. So I farted a lot.

I soon realized some of the inevitable consequence of farting a lot: smelling funny, and skid marks. Probably not a huge problem for most people, but when your mom still does your laundry, it can be embarrassing. So I did a 180 and stopped farting. And let me tell you, since then, my underwear is so clean you could eat off of it. My underwear, it lasts until the elastic band goes.

And although I have no memories of this happening that I haven't blocked out, there is a constant threat for people who fart on a regular basis:

The shart. Gas followed by mass. The difference between the two can be hard to identify until it's already out, and then it's too late. It may be a small risk, but given the possibly catastrophic consequences, the risk doesn't justify the reward for me.

I don't feel the need to toot in public. Gas buildup never happens any more frequently than I'm on the toilet anyway.

I am not trying to convince everyone to stop playing the butt trumpet (even though the world would smell better if you did). I just want to raise awareness that not everyone falls in line with the cheese-cutting agenda.


P.S. I really wanted to work in the phrase "skid marks on the Hershey highway to Brown Town" somewhere in this post. I guess I'll just have to plop it here.

P.P.S. There is talk of farting over at Blonde Monde today too.



Jay Ferris said...

I've only sharted once in my adult life, which was the result of a farting competition gone awry. Luckily in said competition, a shart means instant victory, in reward for your ultimate dedication to this, the sport of kings.

Anonymous said...

I just HAD to read this entry on my lunch break while eating salad with suspicious coloured salad dressing on it. Awesome. I also love you followed "skid marks on the Hershey Highway" with "plop."

Johnson said...

Weird. I just finished writing a post for tomorrow morning that is also entirely about farting and it's of virtually the exact opposite opinion. Public farting is wonderful. Not to mention comedy gold. I think you should reconsider. Just walk into a crowd and rip. You'll never look back.

katrocket said...

I didn't think I would enjoy reading a post about farting, but you've proven me wrong. You totally had me at "trouser cough".

I'll never understand why you're still single.

EVILFLU said...

You have superb fart/poop vocabulary! A+ ;)

If someone told you that if you were to fart really loudly in public (like in church or something) you would never have to fart again...ever. Would you do it? I ask myself that in public places sometimes (I'm not weird)

shine said...

I don't fart unless I'm in the bathroom.

For a while, I dated a complete asshole, but one of his redeeming qualities was that he also only farted in the bathroom.

It was lovely.

rachaelgking said...

"Gas followed by mass."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am *so* filing that away for later use! Love!

Happy TMIT ;-)

carissajaded said...

I haven't laughed so hard at anything posted about farts that was really about not farting... I don't often fart either,at least never on purpose. I have been scarred since childhood. One time I farted in my severely OCD grandpa's car, and for years afterwards, he made me sit on a towel in his presence. I wish I was kidding- but it really did teach me my lesson about farting, and I didn't even shart!.... I'm didn't inherent his OCD, but I did inherent his hatred of passing gas.

Phronk said...

Jay Ferris: Sounds like a productive use of sharting. Congrats on never doing it again (YET).

Angryredhead: I published it during lunch for maximum effectiveness.

Johnson: No thanks. I enjoy a well-timed fart as much as everyone, but I'll enjoy others' from the comfort of my clean underwear.

Kat: I know right? Chicks should be just be tumbling into my bed as soon as I start listing euphemisms for flatulence.

EvilFlu: I's nice to have the option to fart, just in case I need it in an emergency (e.g., comedy gold, or to help light a fire)

Shine: Phew, I'm not alone. I hope to find a girl like that too, except most of them just fake it until they're comfortable with you, then call it "fluffing."

LiLu: Happy TMIT and thanks for starting it! I read "filing" as "flinging" for a second and got very frightened.

Carissa: Wow, that made me literally LOL. Sorry for your childhood trauma, but LOL.

Blondie said...

Somehow I feel my day has been fart saturated today. Thanks again for the mention! It's strange how open the blog community will be about farting.

tornwordo said...

Have you played with this yet?

Anonymous said...

I was mid-sip of wine when I read the part about when you were little and thought farts were poop particles, and I totally spit all over my computer laughing when your solution was to fart A LOT! Because I heard the same thing and decided I would never fart because what if my mouth was open! I'd be eating my own poop!!! Funny how the same words have a completely different effect!!

Rick Bman said...

I only have one thing to say to someone that says they don't fart...

He who denied it, most like supplied it.

Katrina said...

I know this comes late, but I have a bit of a problem with your claim. I'm not sure I believe the same guy who puts blue cheese sauce in his coffee doesn't fart.

We used to have a rule in our home that our friends shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable by holding in their gas. I say "used to have a rule", because it eventually came out that a very dear friend suffers from IBS. I'm pretty sure on some occaisions that was gas you could actually SEE! Now we ridicule our farting friends in the hope that they will take their gas outdoors.

I also have a fart/relationship theory that I have maintained for many years now. I think farts can be used as a measure of relationship success. If you're with someone for an extended period and you've never heard them fart it's not gonna last. I feel it's a sign that you are just not that comfortable with one another.

Phronk said...

Torn & Ashley: You both kinda made me barf.

Rick & Katrina: Get out of here, HURRICANES.

You see? Nobody believes me. I swear it's true that I don't fart though.

I agree with your relationship theory Katrina. I'm happy when a girl is comfortable enough to fart around me (within reason). I just can't reciprocate. Maybe I'm not comfortable with myself? :)