Monday, November 30, 2009


Ugh. Done. Out of words now = me. Writing haaard.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Suck Bite Blow

It's the home stretch of NaNoWriMo, and I'm a few thousand words behind. But I'm gonna write like a mofo and get it done.

I am happy to announce the title for this year's novel. It is called "This Novel Sucks." It is another unremarkable novel about vampires.

While staring off into space instead of writing, I also came up with ideas to craft into novels for the next two Novembers.

Next year I shall unleash "This Novel Bites," which is another unremarkable novel about werewolves.

The year after that, I shall write "This Novel Blows," another unremarkable novel about wind creatures.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Matthew Good and Mother Mother Live at Centennial Hall, London Ontario

Yesterday, I had the good fortune of winning free tickets to the Matt Good show, courtesy of @London_events on Twitter. After walking to the London Free Press Building to pick them up, then to near Masonville after that, I was exhausted and kinda worried about falling asleep. But the music was so damn good that I couldn't.

I've been a huge fan of the opening act, Mother Mother for the last year or so. I was pumped to see them live, and wasn't disappointed. They sounded a lot heavier and more energetic in person; they literally had (weird) people dancing in the aisles. The only shitty part was that their act was so short. Matt Good I'd seen before at a festival, which wasn't really the right venue for his music. He was a lot better at a show dedicated to him, playing a good mix of old and new, familiar and unfamiliar. He stuck to the "here is the quiet part AND THEN THE LOUD PART and then the quiet part" type of songs that are best live.

After the show, we went for some drinks at Crabby Joe's. Dan and I had a lengthy discussion about which of the two Mother Mother keyboardist / singers we'd like to marry, because they were both pretty from a distance. So we Googled them for a better look. Amazingly, the bar then played one of Mother Mother's songs. Weird! What a coincidence!

A few minutes later, our server asked use if we'd heard of Mother Mother. Well yeah, we were just at their show. She then told us that the band had been sitting right behind us as we Googled them and talked about which one we'd like to Google.1

Oh, and Matt Good's band was there too. Apparently they were mildly douchy, and signed their brown paper tablecloth with the provided crayons. Our server gave it to me because she secretly loves me.

She signed it too. I don't really care about Matt Good's band's autographs (and grease stains), but as a signed gift from the beautiful Crabby Joe's waitress, I will cherish it forever.


1 The server also told us that there was only one female member of the band. THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Ga Ga Ooh La La

This may come as a surprise, but I am capable of being wrong.

When I listed the best and worst albums of 2008, I chose Lady GaGa's The Fame as the worst of the year, deriding its extreme shallowness.

But in the last year, Lady GaGa has become something so much more than her shallow dance music. In her live performances and videos, she's used fashion, dance, and confusion over whether or not she has a cock, to tap into that most powerful of human emotions, WTF.

So I was wrong. I've come to love her whatthefuckedness. Like, have you seen her latest video?

Plus, in case you missed it, the video for Paparazzi:

So incredibly good! She's taken that shallowness and embraced it, twisted it, flipped it around and reflected it back on an unsuspecting public.

Oh, and here she is all acoustic-style back in 2005:

She can sing. And looks better as a brunette. I think. Actually, it's hard to even tell what she looks like, since she's completely different every time she's seen. I don't know if I'd recognize her walking down the street. Being plastered all over every media source but remaining almost unrecognizable? That. That takes talent.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Search Terms Used to Find, Volume 7

I'm still writing that novel (almost 30 000 words, motherfuckers!), so I don't have time for a real blog post. Here are ways that people have found recently:

- conservative cake
- bob ross joy of painting book 23

- how to keep things out of my 3 year olds mouth
- how to talk interesting
- why isnt cussing beeped on hell's kitchen dvd

- ice cream wars in london

And I still get plenty of:
- uwo nude girls
- saugeen stripper's name
    - sookie wtf
    - does anyone else think charlaine harris's books suck?
    [always good to phrase Google searches as if you're talking to a room full of people]

    - some children find an ancient scroll in their attic. they read it in the playground, unknowingly trapping the soul of satan himself in the monkey bars. the jungle gym's killing spree won't stop until
    [someone in Australia searched for this. It's an exact quote from one of my one hundred original ideas for horror films]

    - sucking and fucking
    - suckingandfucking
    - ladies sucking and fucking
    - [etc. x 100]

    - aliens pee-pee and barf
    - carrie pees on mythbusters
    - fish in vagina porn
    - fucked by a giraffe
    - do people fart a lot when they burn fat

    - how can you write on your own facebook wall [I get this all the time, and can't figure it out. I don't know which Facebook other people are looking at, but on mine, writing on my own wall is one of the few easy things to accomplish there. It's the giant text box right in the middle of the screen.]

    And speaking of finding this blog: I'm thinking of moving it over to a real domain. If anyone out there links to here, please make sure the link is to . Links to individual posts will be broken.

    I will be back to regularly scheduled blogging in a few weeks.

    Sunday, November 15, 2009

    Never Forgive, Never Forget

    This is another post I'm being paid to write. You know what that means: PASS. On to the next blog. It's Sunday anyway, so why are you reading this? Go call your mom or something.

    Today's lovely sponsor is Warranty Elephant. When I first saw the name, I was all like "OMFG, like, what do elephants have to do with warranties? Is this just an attempt to cash in on the need for every technology site to have an animal icon? Why would I want an elephant reminding me when my warranty runs out?"

    But then I remembered that elephants never forget.

    Why do elephants never forget? According to Dr. Orville Boyd Jenkins, the saying comes from ...

    ... the true story of a British colonial villa which was built across a traditional elephant walk in India. The elephants were confused and enraged to find their way blocked, and every year at the same time, the villa staff would have to defend the villa and deflect the herds around it so they could get from one side of the offending villa in their traditional migration.
    Finally the elephants could not be dissuaded, and one year in rage they finally stormed on through the villa, destroying it and killing many of the people

    In other words, this web site will remember warranty information for you, even if it means killing anyone who gets in the way.

    Here is a review of the service: The web site is ugly, but it's simple enough to navigate and to set up an account. I'm not sure why it asked for my marital status though; maybe the rampaging elephants kill single people first? I plugged in the info for my iPhone, and now the site will email me 3 months, 1 month, and 1 week before the warranty on it expires.

    In a way it's a solution looking for a problem. I rarely even pay attention to warranties unless there's a malfunction, in which case it's not that hard to figure out if I'm still in the warranty period or not. I suppose this would be most useful for extended warranties. You know, the ones they sell you at Best Buy with the line "you can take a hammer to it when the warranty is about to expire, then bring it in and get upgraded to the latest model."

    Also, I agree with Dead Robot that it would be more useful if it automatically imported warranty information based on the product info you input.

    Anyway, go check out Warranty Elephant if you blah blah blah etc etc.

    Thursday, November 12, 2009

    Do What You Do - Down On Me

    Here is a list of things that are way funnier if done while crying:
    • Eating.
    • Exercising to workout videos from the 80s.
    • Writing "LOL" on your ex's Facebook wall.
    • Giving a lap dance (obvs.)
    • Receiving oral sex.


    Tuesday, November 10, 2009

    Wonders Never Cease

    So it's a pretty embarrassing blotch in my otherwise perfect life, but I share a birthday with Mel Gibson.

    However, this minor tragedy is alleviated by also sharing a birthday with:
    • Sergio Fucking Leone
    • John Paul Fucking Jones
    • J.R.R. Fucking Tolkein
    And I just found this out today, but also with:
    You know? From The Wonder Years?

    Wait, let's zoom out on that Google image search ...

    Holy crap! Winnie Cooper got hot!

    Maybe if I send enough creepy letters and Wonder Years fan fiction, she'll, you know, be with me.




    P.S. SHOUT OUTS to Fragileheart and Lauren Blonde because they talked about birthdays on Twitter and made me write this.

    P.P.S. It's not my birthday today. I just think about it a lot because I am terrified of turning 30.

    P.P.P.S. Danica McKellar is actually an awesome person, who now writes books encouraging young girls to get into mathematics. So she's got brains and heart in addition to good looks.

    Here's proof!


    Wednesday, November 04, 2009

    One Letter Off Movies and Unseen Prequels

    I admit, I kinda love these little Twitter hash tag memes that pop up now and again. In case you've been living under The Rock, it works like so: on Twitter, when people want to make their posts part of an easily-searchable group, they tag them with a hash tag. That's just a word preceded with "#". Like right now, it's the anniversary of the Islamic Revolution in Iran, so people talking about that add #iranelection to their posts, and anyone wanting to see up to the minute updates about it can search for that term.

    Somehow, sometimes, a tag pops up with some frivolous theme that anybody can participate in.

    Here are some that I wrote recently:

    One Letter Off Movies (#oneletteroffmovies)1:
    • Very Rad Things.
    • Dirty Pork.
    • Hobo Cop.
    • She-Hobbit.
    • Jews.
    Unseen Prequels (#unseenprequels):
    • 28 Days Before.
    • Night of the Living.
    • Moulin Under Construction.
    • The Intact Crystal.
    • Twelve Unemotional Men.
    • Mr. Smith Goes to the Bathroom.
    • Look Who Hasn't Started Talking Yet.
    • When Two Strangers Named Harry and Sally Went About Their Separate Lives.
    • Annie Vestibule.
    • Batman: Spending Time With Mom & Dad.

    Try your own. By joining Twitter, if you haven't yet, you dinosaur.


    1 Whoa, I just thought of another one. THE COCK! ROFLMAO


    See also: #cowfilms

    Tuesday, November 03, 2009

    Why You Shouldn't Date or Hire Michael Bolton

    So I've had the Michael Bolton song Said I Loved You But I Lied stuck in my head for a week (mostly thanks to EvilFlu). This has given me some time to analyze the lyrics.

    Here is the song's big twist (SPOILER ALERT):

    Said I loved you but I lied
    'Cause this is more than love I feel inside
    Said I loved you but I was wrong
    'Cause love could never ever feel so strong

    Hrm. Here's the thing: "More than love" is not really what you want from a romantic partner. Love is the goal; the defining feature of a successful relationship. Once Michael Bolton loves you, you've hit the maximum. "More than love" is likely to be creepy obsession, neediness, or some bizarre fetish. Since Bolton lied about love, all that's left is the weirdness. And the fact that he's a liar.

    If you fall for this song, you will probably soon find Michael Bolton in a tree outside your house, dressed in a giant baby bonnet and diaper.


    It's similar to someone expressing that they will "give 110%." Let's say I'm interviewing someone for a job, and he tells me he will put 110% of his effort into his work. This immediately tells me that he is: A) Bad with math; and B) Not very good at judging his own quantity of effort. Because if he reaches 100% of his effort, then goes 10% further, all that means is what he thought was 100% was lower than 100%. He said he gave 100%, but he lied.

    I'd rather hear "I'll give 80% effort, with the other 20% devoted to being lazy, distracted, or spiteful." Because that's realistic, and probably more effort than most people actually put towards anything.

    So watch your maximums, people. Furthermore, get out of my dreams, and into my life.


    P.S. The video for this song is actually pretty amazing:

    Get it? There are flames, because he cleverly compares love to a flame in the song. And horses, because... horses are fucking cool. Fuck yeah.


    Monday, November 02, 2009

    NaNoWriMo 2009

    Hello blog. I am, once again, participating in NaNoWriMo, a.k.a. November, a.k.a. the month in which people try to write an entire novel.

    I'll still blog, but not as much, and it will probably suck, since I only have a finite supply of creativity juice and all that will be left for here is the chunky dregs at the bottom.

    Here is my NaNoWriMo user profile, and you will see a little graph of my progress below and on my sidebar whenever traffic slows down and their widgets start working. Feel free to cheer me on to cancel out all the people who say I can't do it.1

    P.S. You should participate too. I truly believe that everyone has at least one novel in them. Maybe not one that other people would want to read, but you'll be a better person for having written it.

    1 Note: Nobody has ever said I can't do it.