Monday, December 14, 2009

Sixty Nine Reasons to Avoid Tall, Dark and Handsome

Girls often say they want a guy who is tall, dark, and handsome.

Handsome I get, obviously. Dark? Yeah, I definitely understand dark. But tall? Why tall?

It's not like height automatically fulfills that "I'm a tiny girl and I need a big strong man to protect me from tigers and serial killers and serial killer tigers" instinct / stereotype. An extra half-foot of leg and torso doesn't automatically confer kung fu skills, or even strength.

There is one situation I can think of where height matters, but it is almost always a detriment. I'm talking about one of my favourite configurations of people, the sixty-nine. If a girl is dating a "tall" guy (i.e. taller than her), this position is awkward, and may lead to stiff necks, stretched appendages, and/or a permanent hunch-back.

I know sometimes you're a bit dim, so let me illustrate this for you. Let's say Lady GaGa (5'1") has made special friends with Conan O'Brien (6'4"):

Bad Romance

It doesn't work! Neither of them are enjoying themselves.

But let's say Conan goes for someone more his height, like Jane Lynch (6'0")


Much better!

So yeah, go for dark, go for handsome, but please, don't go for tall, because look what you are missing out on. LOOK. Unless you are Jane Lynch and then it's okay. Or Anne Coulter (6'0"), but I'd really prefer if you didn't have babies.

Thanks Anne.

Females and gay dudes: can you explain to me why tall men are alluring?

~ Phronk (5'8")


P.S. I find it a bit disturbing that there is a whole community devoted to figuring out how tall celebrities are.


EVILFLU said...

Oh man! My new work monitor now has diet coke spit all over it and people are staring at me like I'm camveman lady or something. Those are the bestest pictures ever...sort of :/

oh yeah, guess I should say something about tall guys now...tall guys are easy to tip over...and sometimes they are scary.

Unknown said...

love the pictures! Yep, tall, dark and handsome works for me. Why tall? well, I'm 5'9 and I don't like dating men shorter than me. I have done, but I've found quite a few with a massive complex over being shorter than their girlfriend. I like to wear heels (a lot!) being told not to by my squeeze, just so I won't tower over him sucks! So, tall works for me... Dated a 6'5 bloke once though. There was definite neck-crickage!

Laurel said...

I'm 5'10" usually, but when I wear heals I'm like 6'2". I like being around really tall guys so I'm not towering over everyone.

katrocket said...

hahaha Best Doodles of 2009!

I'm also 5'8", and "not being a dumb jerk" is far more important than height will ever be. "Dark" has always been a mystery to me, too. I prefer blonds. BALD GUYS ARE HOT, TOO. ;)

Forest City Fashionista said...

You should post a warning of "Not safe for work" at the beginning of your post :) I don't want to know what my co-workers think I'm looking at. I'm 5'7", so I usually prefer guys that are at least my height or a little taller. I don't like having to lean over to kiss someone!

Phronk said...

EvilFlu: Haha, sort of. It's true that tall guys are easier to tip over. A strong breeze is often enough.

Nearly: Yeah I definitely like when a girl is slightly shorter than me. Not midget short though.

Laurel: Those are some huge heels. How do you not tip over?

FCF: Sorry. Next time I post poorly drawn cartoon penis, I will include a warning. You should show your co-workers though. This is important.

Jay Ferris said...

What you failed to include in your calculations is that us taller guys have longer equipment, which allows my junk to reach her instead of the other way around.

The science on that last statement may not be 100% sound, so let me just say this: I'm 6'7", my wife is 5'2", and that numerical configuration works just fine for us!

S said...

Can you hear me laughing?

There are so many things that are wrong/right with your post and pics.

True, being with someone almost the same height makes things so much easier for everyone.

ash. said...

I am 10 inches shorter than T. but I love him anyway.

Dead Robot said...

I need someone to get snacks down from the top shelf.

Great pics! Thank you for not using Anne Coulter.

Unknown said...

I didn't fall in love with my husband because of height. I am 5'4 and have dated guys my own height or slightly taller. And when girls say Tall dark and handsome they usually mean Taller than them :)

Phronk said...

Jay: Thank you. I was wondering about the size of your penis. You're right though, that can make up for height differences. I guess the rule should be your height, +/- penis length.

S: I heard you laughing! All the way over here! Or it could have been that constant ghostly laughing in my head, not sure.

Ash: T is a giant. Good thing you married him so he wasn't forced to track down Anne Coulter.

DR: Psh, short people can use teamwork! Just like the 69!

Shopper Girl: I'd hope so. A slightly taller dude seems ideal.

Jennifer said...

I may not be a good person to answer, because I married average, pasty and dorky over here.

I am el shrimpo, and while I did date a tall guy for a couple years, it's not something I'm eager to do again. The sex works just fine tyvm, but the upright kissing is uncomfortable.

Your illustrations are teh awesome.

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sarah said...

Conan isn't dark nor handsome. I don't know how you could arbitrarily remove those variables from your experiment. Aren't you a doctor? What kind of whack methodology are you using? Maybe if he was dark and/or handsome, him and Lady GaGa would be enjoying themselves much more. Ever thought of that smarty pants?????

I also laughed when you started out your paragraph, "I know sometimes you're a bit dim, so let me explain this to you."

Phronk said...

El Shrimpo: Ah yes, upright kissing is a whole other problem. Like imagine Danny Devito having to stand on his tippy toes to make out with Anne Coulter? Awkward!

Sarah: I happen to think Conan is quite handsome. But even if he wasn't, no amount of darkness can make up for genitals failing to reach their targets.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

aimee adler said...

Actually, it appears it might be an evolutionary reason for it...I read in a study (don't ask me where, I read the whole internet every day) that the downward flow of saliva from a tall man to a shorter woman can help boost the woman's immune system. It would therefore be preferable and healthier for a lady to seek out taller mates. Food for thought, at any rate, true or otherwise.

Phronk said...

I read something recently too, about kissing helping the immune system or something. I can't really picture how height helps, though. Unless tall guys just kinda stand over a shorter woman drooling until some gets in her mouth. Once it's in there, how could it make a difference?

I better scour the whole internet for more details. :)

Hey Lady! said...

I found this link and thought of you and your posts about dating and dating sites:

If you can't find a date on one of these sites you should just give up looking.

Phronk said...

Haha, awesome! Thank you! If only I shared some of these weird passions / physical characteristics / disorders.

I am signed up for some dating site for lovers of zombie movies. I can't find it now though. Not surprisingly, haven't met my soul mate there yet.